Tight Wad

I have never been considered a patient person.  Ever. I have a lot of amazing qualities. Patience has never been one of them. Whether that means standing in line, sitting in traffic, waiting for an answer, waiting for a relationship, patience to find my calling in life, anything....just don't have it.

However, the past few weeks I've noticed a significant change to this pattern.  I am a lot calmer.  Maybe it's the summer.  Maybe it's just me growing up.  Maybe it's just me giving less and less of a shit about the useless stuff.

However, today I think it has to do with the fact that my bra could not be any tighter and I just can't focus on anything else right now. I can't wait to go home and take it off and then put on a sports bra and pick up my bike from the shop and go for a ride. 

Morning Jolts

The past two weeks I have been waking up at 4am every day.  I do not like this.  I am not sure exactly what is going on.  I am starting to think that maybe my body is telling me to become a morning person and get up and go for a jog at 4am.

If you believed that then you are crazy!  I don't jog.  I will never jog. I will never run.  No thank you.  I like my legs and knees.  I will walk for hours and hike and bike or do anything else besides run though.

So, if it isn't my body telling me to get up and jog, what is it?  Is it my mind telling me to get up and get going and enjoy the day!!  Again, I can do that at 7am or 8am too....so I hope not.

I am going with the air conditioning theory...that my air conditioner is waking me up and telling me that my soft and warm comforter fell off the bed and I need to pick it up.  That's the theory I am going with.

It's 5:30 now...if I can get back to sleep in the next five minutes, I can still get two hours of sleep.

Things I learned at this year's "pride"

1.  Think before you go to Cottonwood.
2.  I would rather get wet than stand under an umbrella with my ex girlfriend and her crazy new girlfriend who acts like her mother.

3.  I have nothing to say to my ex girlfriend, which is sad.

4.  It's okay to run into ex girlfriends who are cool and actually talk to you.

5.  Don't think girls will change. They won't. That's why you left them.

6.  Don't ever go dancing at Machine ever again.  The girls don't know how to dance and they are disgusting.

7.  Always drive myself when I go out someplace.

8.  Tell girls who you have "hung" out with you and seen you around for about 2 years to fuck off when they hit on you and say "hey, my name is Jane." and I say, "yeah..I know. we have hung out for 2 years." and she says, "we have" and then you say, "yeah...so anyway" and walk away...yeah...you remember Laura Goldberg.  If you don't....you don't even deserve to look at me.

9.  People do not change.  I change.  For the better.  And I could not be happier about it.

So difficult

Do you ever wonder why commercials make simple mundane tasks seem so hopelessly difficult so you order or run to the grocery store to buy their product.  Those commericals always crack me up.  I remember one a few years ago for those non dairy creamer containers.  It showed a woman struggling to open a cardboard carton.  She just couldn't figure out how to press the lip together to open the carton.  You know...the same one we had to use as kids all the time to open our milk cartons at camp.  Yeah, the ones that take 5 seconds to open and occasionally 10 seconds if you had to peel back the paper a little with your hand.

Anyway, the commercial was for a non dairy creamer with a screw on cap.  And they moved the shot from the woman with messed up hair and milk all over her shirt to her easily unscrewing the cap and pouring it in her coffee. 

Sidenote:  I only buy the screw caps myself.

The commercial I saw yesterday was even funnier.  It was for the "shoe keeper" for under your bed.  Bascially it is a cardboard box with cardboard liners to separate your shoes.  Or as the commercial says, "your socks, your belts, yours shoes or any accessory."  Basically, if you have a hard time actually putting your socks in your sock drawer, you can place them in this cardboard box and put it under your bed for only $19.95. 

I don't know about you, but if something ends up under my bed in a cardboard box, it stays there for years.  Hence, the reason I just recently found a cardboard box full of stuff from an ex...sharpie pens, an old broken ninento game and a bowl.

Quilly

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade.  Actually,  I think I might have been born in the wrong century.  What ever happened to the time when people were romantic?  When people tried to look beautiful? When people had to talk to each other if they had something to say.  Or even more romantic, had to pick up a quill and actually write down their thoughts?  When people boarded trains with beautiful luggage and gave each other long kisses before venturing off on a two week trip to their destination?  There is nothing more romantic than a train. 

Don't tell my little sister I said that because she will remind you of the time in Hungary when we had to board the train to get to Prague.  And I had a minor meltdown because of the heat and the 3am wakeup calls to check our passports while the window was wide open because of the extreme heat.  And how through some sort of adrenaline rush, I managed to literally throw my suitcases over my head into the bin like I was tossing a car.  And how the whole time I kept telling her boarding this train reminded me of the Nazi Germany trains because everyone had their hands out the window and were tossed in like cattle in second class!  So, don't tell her I said this.  Also don't tell my older sister this because she will remind you of the time in Spain when I had to jump off the train because it was leaving before I had taken all my bags off!!  "Laura, JUMP!"  Ironically, I would have probably ended up in Prague then too...just years earlier.

Let me rephrase. Trains USED to be romantic. 

And so were people.  Now, we have to wait for an email or a text or some sort of electronic communication to know that someone is interested in talking to you.  At least back in the day, you knew that a letter could take up to a month or two to get to you!  And during that time, you just thought about the person and when the letter finally came, and you opened up the parchment paper and saw that beautiful cursive writing, you just melted.  And then you ran to your secretary desk and immediately wrote back all the things that you had been thinking about for the past month!  How romantic!  Today, we just have to wait for an email.  And the problem is, everyone is on email so when you don't get an email, you have to question why!

I'll be the first to admit that I use email and I text all the time.  But lately, I have just had the desire to talk to people...on the phone or in person!  I would love to run to my mailbox and see a package from someone special or a letter.  Or...let's bring this back to modern day...how about just a card?  And not an ecard!

White Liar, MD

So I have a little bit of a problem.  I am probably one of the most honest people you will meet.  When I have something to say, I say it.  I'm usually very tactful unless you piss me off enough to make it to my blog...then I may or may not be "as" tactful.  But, in general, I am open and honest and genuine and I make people feel comfortable enough so they can be too.

One problem. The one person I am not this brutally open with is my primary care physican.  I have seen the same woman since 2001. I don't like her very much. She has long stringy gray hair and she has pictures of her three boys up in the room so when I'm sitting there in my stirups or for whatever reason I go in, I have to see her three boys staring at me.  Not cool.

Anyway, the problem I have is that she has no idea I am gay and I have been lying to her about it for so long that my white lie has just reached the point of no return and I need a new doctor.

I was on the birth control pills for 14 years to control my period because....blah, blah, blah...I am nothing short of inconsistent.  Anyway, she actually once took my hand and looked to see if I had a ring on my finger before she would prescribe again.  Last time I went in, my blood pressure was so high because she kept asking if I was sexually active, which I wasn't at the time.  But then she says, "last time you said you weren't.  are you saying for two years you haven't been?"...woah, get a grip woman.  I totally have.  But instead I said, "well, i guess a little."  and she says, "do you use protection" and I say "yes" ...then she gives me STD tests!!!!  jesus. I can't ever go back there!!!

Another problem, I have been PMSing for almost 2.5 months.  I am off birth control and of course I am irregular again.  I haven't had it but everyday I experience all the symptons and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  Imagine what it feels like for 2 days before your period. I've had it for 2.5 months!!!!!!  I am seriously thinking of sticking a pin inside and popping that damn egg myself!  Every. I mean every emotion is running through me and that includes irritability and laziness.  I can't wait to go home and nap!

So, I need to call Fenway, where I can stand up straight and say I'm gay. And hopefully leave without a fistful of condoms!

Favorite Moments

I was looking through some photos from the past few months and I wanted to post some of my favorite moments.  In order:

The 1st image is a goose with her goslings.  I love when the goslings hatch. It's one of my favorite times a year. I actually skipped across the street when I saw them. 

The 2nd image is me at a work gala. I had on black heels but after a few hours of d ancing I had blisters. 

The 3rd image is me at the end of the continent in Washington.  What a beautiful place!!!!

The 4th image is the sign just makes me laugh because Cat thinks of me everytime she passes it.

The 5th image is the outcome of me taking a cooking class.  I learned how to make pork tenderloin. I've made it three times.  This meal makes me so happy.

The 6th image is my lobster roll. This is one I got in Portsmouth on Mother's Day when I went with my sister to see a play.  It's the start of summer to me. 

The 7th image is my new owl belt.  I declared this the year of the owl on New Years and this belt makes me confident. 

The 8th image is when I was sitting in a bar in NYC with Cat....tried a new beer and liked it.  Tried a new sandwich and liked it. Just so much fun.

The 9th image is my Red Sox outfit which just makes me laugh As Cat says, "Laura, you go to the games and eat everything but I bet you couldn't name four players."

The 10th image is my birthday breakfast.  There are two pancakes on this plate. 

The 11th image was in San Fran..actually Oakland.  Dream car.

The 12th image is me seeing Mt. Ranier.  Amazing. I've been to Seattle 8 times but only seen in a couple. 

The 13th image is my favorite sign ever.  I voted for her because of her name. 

The 14th image is right before skydiving....why do I look so silly. I was so proud of myself. One of my proudest moments.