2012 Resolutions

Last year I had one big resolution. It was to read 20 books in 2011. I got to 32. Therefore, I have determined that if I put my mind to it, I really can do it. It also helps to date someone who annoys the shit out of you and makes you want to curl up in bed and read and never speak to another human being. Being that I do not have this in my life this year, I’m going to make some new resolutions that have nothing to do with laying in bed. Well, maybe one of them does.


I resolve to make 2012 the year of the skinny jean and boots.

I resolve to wear a bikini in July.

I resolve to wear a bikini in Belize.

I resolve to ride in a hot air balloon.

I resolve to get at least two more articles printed in a newspaper.

I resolve to put all new music on my ipod and finally get rid of R.E.M and Bon Jovi. Really come on!

I resolve to see at least two musicals in NY; one being Book of Mormon.

I resolve to plan another big trip with my measly tax return; preferably a place where I can put toilet paper in the toilet.

I resolve to climb the Precipice Trail in Acadia.

I resolve to get to work by 9:15 every day. Okay, at least three times a week.

I resolve to take a photography class so I can start using my camera.

I resolve to buy at least one really sexy lingerie piece and open my front door wearing it once.

I resolve to try a red and a green pepper both raw and cooked.

I resolve to really tell someone off to their face if they hurt my feelings or betray me and not just resort to email.

I resolve to only compare myself to my married with children friends three times a month.

I resolve to write one scene from Jewsical the Musical.

I resolve to finally learn how to spell ‘definitely’ without the need for spellcheck.

I Shaw You Do It, Dude!

I try not to make it a habit to shop at Shaws but since I got Fred, I have found it is just easier to get my lunch, dinner and next day's breakfast at Shaws during my lunchbreak.  After Thanksgiving, I'll do a big shopping trip again at Trader Joes. 

Today, I was at the salad bar and I was done and ready for my dressing when this guy came right up to the salad bar in front of me and took his hands and grabbed a piece of watermelon.  I almost puked.  So now I am sitting here at my desk, eating a salad and trying not to think about how disgusting people are.  I almost said something to him but I decided instead to just mumble "uh ok" under my breath and give him my demon eyes.  He was already busy flirting with the deli counter girl to notice though. 

Moral of the story? I have got to start cooking again.

Fred

Fred at the shelter!

I did it.  I finally got a dog.  I decided that I could spend the next year telling myself the time wasn't right or I could just do it. So I ventured out to the Northeast Animal Shelter in Salem, MA ready to bring home a two year old, non shedding schuazer who was house trained and crate trained and just wanted some love. 

I left with a 4 month old (but turns out he is really 7 or 8 months old) terrier mix who sheds, isn't crate trained but is mostly housebroken.  I love my Fred.  I can't believe how much I love this dog already and it's only been one week.


So, in honor of Fred...

The Top Ten Things I learned about getting a dog
1.  Make sure your landlord understands that dogs have vocal chords and they will sometimes bark. 
2.  Make sure to watch when your dog is eating a dead bird on a walk.
3.  As hard as it is to say goodnight and put the dog in the crate, make sure you give it a conserted effort.  Okay, two nights.  Let's face it, it's not going to happen.
4.  Dogs like elk antlers; not reindeer antlers.  I'm pretty sure reindeer antlers would be harder to find and Fred is Jewish so he keeps kosher.
5.  At 9pm, I am flat out exahusted and can't even stay up to watch my recorded shows on TV.
6.  It's okay to stare at a picture of your dog for five hours at work.
7.  Make sure you hire an excellent dog walker.
8.  Make sure said dog walker doesn't ignore you when you walk out of the house like a two year old.
9.  I am now excited when Fred pees.  Even at 3 in the morning.
10.  There is no better time than now to get a dog. Especially a shelter dog.

Things that annoy me...and should annoy you too.

1.  People who thank their hubby on facebook for taking care of things in the house when they are sick.  (That should just happen anyway).

2. People who say, "nice to meet you" on a conference call. 

3.  Voice acitvated text messaging. 

Tri-cycle

I get it Cambridge, you are whimsy. But this does not mean that is okay to ride your bike, with your two children attached to it.  I wanted to run you over this morning. I actually for a moment thought about running over a child because she was attached to your bicycle.  It is bad enough when I have to manuever around a tadem bicycle when there are no bike lanes, but when you add a third child to this, you are just asking for it. Really.  Don't you know people in cars have places to be.  I should have beeped at you. You were lucky this time. 

Tufts Shit

I work for a not for my profit organization that helps people with mental illness.  This same company offers really expensive insurance plans through Tufts with extermely high co pays.  Therefore, when I go to a therapist, it costs me $25 for 45 minutes and the entire time I'm complaning about my job. (And friends who think it's okay to date my ex girlfriends). 

I have also joined an 8 week support group for women who hate their jobs so each week I'll spend an additional $25 to listen to other women bitch about how much they hate their jobs.  I'll try it out but if I wanted to do this for free, I could probably just join a book club or something that straight women like to do.  And speaking of that, lesbian women never join straight clubs.  They always have to join gay clubs.  Once I had a friend tell me she wanted to join a bowling league (gay one) and a pool league (gay one).  And I digress...I'll save that for my $25 session.

Then I'll go to my other therapist which my insurance doesn't cover and pay $50 for 30 minutes explaining why I need to take drugs just so I can go into work and not cry.  Then I'll spend $50 a month for those drugs because my tufts insurance thinks these said drugs are Grey Goose of medicine. 

So, basically I spend about $400-$500 a month to take care of my mental issues.  Therefore, I need to keep the job that is making me mental just so I can afford to survive on a job that is making me mental.

Things that annoy me #4,569

Jennifer Hudson.  That commercial with her and Weight Watchers makes me want to dive into my freezer for my ice cream if losing weight means being anything like her.  She is like, "ohhhh oh ohh oh weight watchers."  "yayy ya ya aya, my liffffeeeeeeee is so much BEttterRRRRR."

This isn't Dream Girls, Jennifer.  Do me a favor please and go eat your collard greens and stop making me feel bad about eating ice cream everynight.