Am I the ONLY ONE?

Last night was an eye opener for me as I am only a few weeks away from turning 36 years old. I went to my second Melissa Ethridge concert in my life and I can only describe it (and I take these words from the friend who went with me) as "psychologically horrifying".  That being said, Melissa Ethridge still rocks, looks great in leather pants, can belt out a song like nobodies business and make any straight person consider for just a second turning to the dark side.

I am not sure if my friend and I were just feeling the same way or she could sense from my body language and facial expressions, but about an hour and a half into it, everything seemed to change for me.  My favorite quote from her was "I think I need to just focus on my career right now."  The thing is, I don't understand 80% of lesbians in just a general sense.  Last night, that number skyrocketed to about 98%. 

I consider myself an attractive woman (or chick, girl, lady, gal).  I think I have a good sense of style.  I like labels.  I can dress it up.  I can tone it down.  And regardless of what some people think of my sweatpants and crocks look when I am at the dog park or grocery store, I still look good.  I understand social behavior and cues.  I try as hard as I can not to take myself too seriously.  And in the most simplest of common modern day tasks (and by modern, I mean no longer cave men), I know that it's important to brush your teeth and wash and comb your hair. 

I think as a female, it's important to show yourself in the world as confident yet flawed.  As beautiful, yet at times in need of some weight loss.  What I don't understand is why 98% of the lesbians last night did not seem to understand this.  Therefore, I am putting up a few sets of rules that should be applied if you are thinking of becoming, or already are, a lesbian in the year 2012. These rules apply mainly to woman over the age of 45 I guess but even still.  I don't want to turn 36 and be almost 40 and think that I can just give up on beauty.

1.  While you may not want a subscription to Glamour Magazine, pick one up occasionally and check out some of the hairstyles that are happening right now.  These styles do not include Don Johnson's look from Miami Vice.  If you saw it in 1980-1999, just think about maybe taking a trip to the salon.  You can even go to Cost Cutters or Supercuts if you want.  I don't care. Just think about it.

2.  Ponder for a few about maybe buying one pair of designer jeans.  Honestly, that's all you need.  You can even get a pair for under $100 if you look hard enough. I know you may be disappointed at first if the jeans don't go over your belly button but trust me, you will come to like it. 

3.  Neon track jackets that snap are not okay.

4.  Get a bra that fits.  They don't have to hang down to your toes.  They really don't.  I know you probably hate your boobs (I get it) but if you can find a way to lift them just a bit, I promise you they will be a bit more tolerable.

5.  This is just an assumption of course, since 98% of the lesbians did have on their Lee jeans on but think about self some care down there.  I can only assume, you don't shave.  I am positive you don't wax.  I know you have had the same "lover" and "partner" for years but let's keep this world clean folks.  The Venus razor might come in a pretty little case but use it.  Hell if you want to buy a Bic $.50 razor, by all means cut yourself up just get rid of the hair.

I know you lesbians can do this!  You all have iphones. You were ALL updating your statuses and uploading pictures during the show. This is a modern invention. I know you have the ability. 

I am not sure if I was just in the wrong section of seats.  Maybe I was sitting in the "Melissa Ethridge 500 years of social intolerance therefore I am going to prove to the world that I can be a lesbian and totally let myself go fan club"?  Maybe the attractive, modern day lesbians were up in the balcony?  I don't know.  All I have to say is if I ever look I might be breaking any of these above rules, please oh please kidnap me and take me to a Rhianna concert immediately.