Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Friday, December 30, 2011

2012 Resolutions

Last year I had one big resolution. It was to read 20 books in 2011. I got to 32. Therefore, I have determined that if I put my mind to it, I really can do it. It also helps to date someone who annoys the shit out of you and makes you want to curl up in bed and read and never speak to another human being. Being that I do not have this in my life this year, I’m going to make some new resolutions that have nothing to do with laying in bed. Well, maybe one of them does.

I resolve to make 2012 the year of the skinny jean and boots.

I resolve to wear a bikini in July.

I resolve to wear a bikini in Belize.

I resolve to ride in a hot air balloon.

I resolve to get at least two more articles printed in a newspaper.

I resolve to put all new music on my ipod and finally get rid of R.E.M and Bon Jovi. Really come on!

I resolve to see at least two musicals in NY; one being Book of Mormon.

I resolve to plan another big trip with my measly tax return; preferably a place where I can put toilet paper in the toilet.

I resolve to climb the Precipice Trail in Acadia.

I resolve to get to work by 9:15 every day. Okay, at least three times a week.

I resolve to take a photography class so I can start using my camera.

I resolve to buy at least one really sexy lingerie piece and open my front door wearing it once.

I resolve to try a red and a green pepper both raw and cooked.

I resolve to really tell someone off to their face if they hurt my feelings or betray me and not just resort to email.

I resolve to only compare myself to my married with children friends three times a month.

I resolve to write one scene from Jewsical the Musical.

I resolve to finally learn how to spell ‘definitely’ without the need for spellcheck.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Shaw You Do It, Dude!

I try not to make it a habit to shop at Shaws but since I got Fred, I have found it is just easier to get my lunch, dinner and next day's breakfast at Shaws during my lunchbreak.  After Thanksgiving, I'll do a big shopping trip again at Trader Joes. 

Today, I was at the salad bar and I was done and ready for my dressing when this guy came right up to the salad bar in front of me and took his hands and grabbed a piece of watermelon.  I almost puked.  So now I am sitting here at my desk, eating a salad and trying not to think about how disgusting people are.  I almost said something to him but I decided instead to just mumble "uh ok" under my breath and give him my demon eyes.  He was already busy flirting with the deli counter girl to notice though. 

Moral of the story? I have got to start cooking again.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Fred at the shelter!

I did it.  I finally got a dog.  I decided that I could spend the next year telling myself the time wasn't right or I could just do it. So I ventured out to the Northeast Animal Shelter in Salem, MA ready to bring home a two year old, non shedding schuazer who was house trained and crate trained and just wanted some love. 

I left with a 4 month old (but turns out he is really 7 or 8 months old) terrier mix who sheds, isn't crate trained but is mostly housebroken.  I love my Fred.  I can't believe how much I love this dog already and it's only been one week.

So, in honor of Fred...

The Top Ten Things I learned about getting a dog
1.  Make sure your landlord understands that dogs have vocal chords and they will sometimes bark. 
2.  Make sure to watch when your dog is eating a dead bird on a walk.
3.  As hard as it is to say goodnight and put the dog in the crate, make sure you give it a conserted effort.  Okay, two nights.  Let's face it, it's not going to happen.
4.  Dogs like elk antlers; not reindeer antlers.  I'm pretty sure reindeer antlers would be harder to find and Fred is Jewish so he keeps kosher.
5.  At 9pm, I am flat out exahusted and can't even stay up to watch my recorded shows on TV.
6.  It's okay to stare at a picture of your dog for five hours at work.
7.  Make sure you hire an excellent dog walker.
8.  Make sure said dog walker doesn't ignore you when you walk out of the house like a two year old.
9.  I am now excited when Fred pees.  Even at 3 in the morning.
10.  There is no better time than now to get a dog. Especially a shelter dog.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Things that annoy me...and should annoy you too.

1.  People who thank their hubby on facebook for taking care of things in the house when they are sick.  (That should just happen anyway).

2. People who say, "nice to meet you" on a conference call. 

3.  Voice acitvated text messaging. 

Friday, October 28, 2011


I get it Cambridge, you are whimsy. But this does not mean that is okay to ride your bike, with your two children attached to it.  I wanted to run you over this morning. I actually for a moment thought about running over a child because she was attached to your bicycle.  It is bad enough when I have to manuever around a tadem bicycle when there are no bike lanes, but when you add a third child to this, you are just asking for it. Really.  Don't you know people in cars have places to be.  I should have beeped at you. You were lucky this time. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Tufts Shit

I work for a not for my profit organization that helps people with mental illness.  This same company offers really expensive insurance plans through Tufts with extermely high co pays.  Therefore, when I go to a therapist, it costs me $25 for 45 minutes and the entire time I'm complaning about my job. (And friends who think it's okay to date my ex girlfriends). 

I have also joined an 8 week support group for women who hate their jobs so each week I'll spend an additional $25 to listen to other women bitch about how much they hate their jobs.  I'll try it out but if I wanted to do this for free, I could probably just join a book club or something that straight women like to do.  And speaking of that, lesbian women never join straight clubs.  They always have to join gay clubs.  Once I had a friend tell me she wanted to join a bowling league (gay one) and a pool league (gay one).  And I digress...I'll save that for my $25 session.

Then I'll go to my other therapist which my insurance doesn't cover and pay $50 for 30 minutes explaining why I need to take drugs just so I can go into work and not cry.  Then I'll spend $50 a month for those drugs because my tufts insurance thinks these said drugs are Grey Goose of medicine. 

So, basically I spend about $400-$500 a month to take care of my mental issues.  Therefore, I need to keep the job that is making me mental just so I can afford to survive on a job that is making me mental.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Things that annoy me #4,569

Jennifer Hudson.  That commercial with her and Weight Watchers makes me want to dive into my freezer for my ice cream if losing weight means being anything like her.  She is like, "ohhhh oh ohh oh weight watchers."  "yayy ya ya aya, my liffffeeeeeeee is so much BEttterRRRRR."

This isn't Dream Girls, Jennifer.  Do me a favor please and go eat your collard greens and stop making me feel bad about eating ice cream everynight.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I was put on mood stabilizers for about a month. I was feeling overwhelmed, angry, irritated (just pretend you are having PMS times 50). I was also in an apartment I hated, a relationship that wasn't working unfortunatley and a job I am not a huge fan of.  As I started taking the meds and not being able to sleep and feeling completley shaky and restless but also calm and clearheaded I had to ask myself, "do I really want to control my moods this much?"  I like being a passionate peson but I also like my sleep. And I also could do without meds that people with schizophrenia take.  Just sayin.  So therefore, I am going off my mood stabilizers and I'm going to see if a new apartment, a new job and some new outlooks can do the trick just the same.  And if not, give em' back to me doc. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

Serial Dieter

Sometimes I wonder why I don't lose that 1 inch in 2 weeks that Kellogg's Special K promises me if I eat a bowl of ceral for breakfast and a bowl of ceral for lunch.

Do you think the problem is I eat almost the whole box in those two bowls?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

10 Things I Learned in Hawaii

1.  When you walk into your parents room with the door open make sure your mom put clothes on after the shower.

2.  When you are swimming and almost drown, make sure you check to see that your tampon string is still in tact.

3.  When you decide to go to a Luau, make sure you have all long overdue family issues out in the open BEFORE you eat.

4.  When putting on the spray sunscreen, make sure you actually rub it in or you will get a sunburn that looks like the outline of the United States of America.

5.  When riding on a boat don't tell too many people because you will end up with too much ginger root and dramamine.

6. When traveling with your family and you see lots of roosters, refrain from making too many cock jokes if possible as it will get old.

7.  Make sure that at least two people get the same exact picture in the hopes that at least one person got a good shot.

8.  Be aware that each time you stop at a fruit stand or farmer's market, you will spend at least $40.

9.  If you see a sea turtle, just know you are going to want to touch it no matter if you are supposed to or not.  However, do not try to hug it or it will swim away.

10.  Contrary to what the waiter says the sailfish is actually the fastest fish in the ocean and NOT the opah.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

F- Hired

Why is it that when non profits or any company for that matter hire an administrative assistant, they don't do a test to make sure said admin knows how to use excel beforehand.  Lately, everytime someone has a question on how to use excel or make labels, they call me and ask me to do it.  I am not the admin assistant.  What exactly are they doing all day long if they don't know how to use word and excel????? I'm serious.  Before you hire someone, you should:
A.  Make sure they know how to spell their name.
B.  Make sure they know how to put pants on.
C.  Make sure they know how to use the most BASIC functions of a computer that you need to do to be an admin so they don't say, "Laura...can you do it?  We don't know how."

I am going to snap.  The next time someone says that to me I'm going to scream "figure it out you moron!".  Then I will be fired and they will have to hire someone in my place who pay a contractor a shit ton of money to do what I do because NOBODY seems to know how. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

You know what annoys me #8,455?

When I am trying to park; in particular parallel park, and a stranger walks up to my car and trys to direct me.  It makes me all nervous and I can't stand it.  I know that stranger is trying to help but it always just infuriates me.  I'LL FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!  It might take 3 or 4 tries to get into a tough spot but I'll get there.  And if I can't, I'll drive and find another one.

Today, I wasn't driving but someone else was and I was in the passenger seat. I had to actually roll down my window and say, "I got this. All set."  And he kept trying. 

Of course I immediatley thought he was a mental patient because he was wearing a track suit and carrying pillows but it turns out he was just a guy helping his daughter move out of her college apartment.  Still, I'm all set.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

2 pounds

So I officially live a vegan lifestyle, plan yoga for sunday mornings, occasionally recycle cans and eat sushi.  Yup, I have changed a bit.  Although, my scale hasn't.  It seriously goes from 148-152 every day.  Every. Single. Day.  Although, I can now pull down my pants without unbuttoning them so I think if anything, vegan has helped me to save some time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Q:  What happens when Laura feels bored for even like 10 minutes?

A:  She books a trip to California.

I'm ready for it to pour

You know the saying, "when it rains, it pours". That is usually how my life is; all of our lives are.  When luck is on your side, things seem to always work out and when bad luck is on our side, things always look so bleek. 

In my case this saying usually has something to do with the amount of stuff I have going on in my life which directly relates to my mood, which in turn directly relates to whether or not I become wildly depressed or overly critical of myself.   

Lately, I have been feeling bored or boring.  And I am thinking to myself, "what the fuck is everyone else doing???".  People are always telling me how busy they are all the time.  How they have plans, or they are so exhausted from the week or when I ask them to do something they have to check their calendars!  I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL THESE PEOPLE ARE BUSY DOING! 

I can tell you one thing.  I am not busy doing anything.  If you want to hang out, I'm pretty sure I don't have to check my calendar because I am free which kind of makes me feel a little bit like a loser.  I get home at 5:30 everyday and I just look around my apartment and think "now what?  i have 6 hours until I am going to sleep."  I don't want to bother people with texts or calls but truthfully I have plenty of time to talk.

This doesn't mean I don't like having some time to myself. I do.  And I DO.  In the past three months, I've seen most of the movies I've wanted to see, watched almost all the TV I've wanted and I'm read 14 books (5 which have been over 1,000 pages long).  I've gone to a couple of musicals, I started a new diet, I've learned to cook and bake new foods, I've worked, I've reorganzied my entire apartment, I've payed all my bills and balanced my checkbook and I've purged my closet.   And I'm still not busy. I still have plenty of free time to hang with people without having to check my calendar.

So I'll say this again.  What is everyone doing that they are sooooo busy they can't make a plan with me for two weeks?  I need to seriously add to my portfolio of friends because I'll tell you this much. I refuse to sit around all spring and summer having nothing to do and planning everything.  I want people to do things with who will also call or ask me to do things too!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

I Wear Leather Shoes to Whole Foods: My Month of Veganism

When I told my friends and family and let’s face it; everyone else I have run into these past few weeks that I was becoming a vegan for a month, this is what I heard in return; “You?” “Aren’t you the one who makes fun of those people?” “Why would you do THAT?” “Do you remember getting probed by an alien in the past couple of weeks?”

These comments aren’t really too far off base either. I AM the person who makes fun of THOSE people. I never thought I would do THAT. And while it would make a good story to be probed by an alien in the past couple of weeks, I don’t recall it (unless of course you count Oprah and her show on veganism).

I decided to try being a vegan for one reason only. The reason is not that I oppose a good filet, pork tenderloin, chicken tender or lobster roll. I absolutely love those foods. The reason is not that I rented Food, Inc. and decided to not only change my digestive system but the fate of the world’s chickens in the hopes that they will soon be singing “Free Bird”. In actuality, I’ve never had a desire to watch that film. The reason is not that veganism is the new trendy thing to do in Hollywood. I don’t take celebrity’s advice anyway. If I did I’d be wearing wing pants, ankle boots and extra large hip belts.

The reason is simple. I just wanted to see if I could. What I never expected to find, however, was that I feel better. I mentally and physically feel better about myself, about others, and about the world. I know this sounds extreme but it’s true. And I swear it’s not my mood stabilizers talking here. It is my new outlook on eating and the control I have allowed myself to take on my body and my life.

It is important to understand the actual definition of veganism (according to A vegan (pronounced VEE-gun) is someone who, for various reasons, chooses to avoid using or consuming animal products. While vegetarians choose not to use flesh foods, vegans also avoid dairy and eggs, as well as fur, leather, wool, down, and cosmetics or chemical products tested on animals.

Therefore, no matter how many times a friend says to me “At least you can have pizza or an omelet.” the answer is still no I can’t have cheese and no I cannot have eggs. That would make me a vegetarian. It is hard for some people to even rationalize this, including me until I actually tried it.

The truth is I love animals. I dream of one day working with and owning many of them. The other truth is I love my $400 leather boots I got from Fluevog for my birthday and while I don’t condone animal testing one bit, I like to pretend it just doesn’t happen.

To understand the extreme change in me is to not only look at how I eat; but also how I think and how I live. I can say a few things about myself I was certain of a few weeks ago.

I was certain that I was not the person who shopped at Whole Foods or Trader Joes as a general rule of thumb. I would go there occasionally to buy a salad for lunch but I always had (and always will) have to hold my nose in the cheese section and try not to laugh at the people looking up the ingredients to flax seed granola in the cereal aisle. I always wanted to scream out, “Oatmeal, nuts and flax seed!”

I was also certain that I was not the person who carried a recyclable grocery bag or a nalgene bottle to work. In fact, my red recycle bin that sits outside my apartment in Watertown has had the same few cans and bottles in it a few weeks ago that it did the year before. I was certain that I was the only lesbian in the world who couldn’t be bothered to recycle and I would laugh when I threw away my jar of Prego tomato sauce in the trash.

I was certain that if I saw a woman on who said she was a vegan, I would immediately roll my eyes and quit reading her profile even if she offered other amazing qualities. I would ironically think to myself, “What would we eat together? She is probably so judgmental of what I eat anyway.”

Now, just a few weeks into my new vegan diet, I find myself questioning the things I was so certain of. I find myself thinking and doing things I never would have been caught dead doing before. Don’t get me wrong, I am still goofy and sarcastic and will laugh at you if you take yourself too seriously when it comes to something as silly as granola or organic fruit. I am just a healthier vegan version of that person.

The day before my challenge or “the last supper” I called it, I was chowing on a burger from Wild Willy’s and a Reeses Pieces sundae at Friendly’s. I was very nervous about what the next four weeks would mean to me. My first few days as a vegan were filled with a few interesting changes in the world as well. Prices of gas were going up all around us but it was completely free in veganland! It makes sense with all the beans and salad and vegetables I was putting in my system but even still, it was a huge change which made me question why I was doing this! Then my mom taught me about this magic pill called beano and I have to say those little pills actually work. I ran to the store and bought a huge bottle of them.

I started to take words out of my vocabulary such as hamburger and ice cream and I replaced them with phrases such as “I need to buy a box of tofuttis”, “Vegan patties are actually delicious over Israeli couscous and vegan teriyaki sauce and “I can’t wait to try the multi-grain tempeh I bought last night in my stir fry.”

I started to seriously look at the ingredients that were in my food and I spent a few moments before putting something in my cart and thinking to myself, “Maybe that is what those people were doing all along.“ It is amazing how much you can fill up a grocery cart with vegan products. I went to the grocery store last weekend and was so impressed with the amount of healthy food I put in there and besides the beano being the most expensive thing in the cart, my total for food for the week was only around $60.

I learned that vegan desserts are amazing. I ate carrot cake, cookies, cupcakes and they tasted just as delicious as anything else I’ve eaten except they don’t have milk or eggs. My tooth is sometimes called the sweetest thing about me and I can say for sure that those cravings were met. This area is lacking in the vegan pastry genre and I started to think I could finally open my restaurant/bakery and help to cater to those crazy vegans out there with delicious and creative products.

Speaking of restaurants in the area, I think the biggest shocker of all was that there ARE vegan restaurants right near where I live. The only food I thought I could get in Watertown was diner food, fried food, and meat on a stick! I tried one such place and bought an $11 smoothie. I thought that seemed a little high but how am I to know what young coconut meat, young coconut water, cacao powder, a bunch of nuts, and some Himalayan crystal salt is worth? I am new to all of this. I didn’t even know coconut meat grew up!

My greatest find has been sitting in front of me for awhile but I never noticed it: Red Lentil vegetarian and vegan restaurant. I pulled open the thick curtain and walked into this amazing and beautiful place and thought to myself, “This is the mecca of veganwomanhood”. “These are where all the vegans and lesbians come in Watertown! People even travel here from JP!” It’s now my go-to place when I don’t want to cook.

To my surprise, in the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that the more I told people about this, the more I found out that other people around me did this too. People were ready and willing to try vegan recipes with me and were intrigued in my challenge. This vegan diet was allowing me to meet new people, develop amazing new friendships with people who also wanted a challenge and a healthy way of life; two things which I think I subconsciously wanted out of this diet too.

Will I stay a vegan for life? No. Will I stay a vegan for a year? No. I do know this, though. I will continue to eat healthy; to take what I have learned this month and use it on a daily basis and then add things that I love to eat such as ice cream and lobster and use those as treats for myself. I don’t believe you have to take everything out of your diet in order to be healthy; you just have to put in the things that make you feel good and stop putting in the things that make you, to put it mildly, feel like crap.

So to all those vegan haters out there. I was one of you. And with 100% certainty I can say I am no longer. But if you try to tell me to grow my own garden and start composting when you see me at Whole Foods, I’m going to kick you in your behind with my red leather boots.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I wear leather shoes to Whole Foods: Going Vegan Day 2

Gas is getting more expensive by the day.  Fortunately for me, this vegan diet is giving me a lot of it for free!!!  All I have to say is thank god I have an office with a door and I live alone!

Last night, I made my first vegan dinner. I made polenta, and some meatless dinner and some quinoa and it was delish-"ish". Af first I had to question this meal.  I mean come on!  I was the one making fun of vegans just a few weeks ago.  But don't you worry all you vegan haters, this vegan still throws her glass bottles in the trash.

By 10pm though I was starving and I had to will my body to not eat anything. I had to tell myself I wasn't really hungry.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I wear leather shoes to Whole Foods: Going Vegan Day 1

I decided to start a new challenge for myself.  I have already begun the read 30 books this year challenge and I am about to finish my 10th book in two months so if I keep this up, I will double my goal for the year.  Therefore, I thought it only fitting that I see if I can do another challenge; one that I never thought I would be doing in my entire life.  I want to go vegan for one month or maybe even more if I like it.

I am not doing this because I just watched Food Inc. I am not doing this because I don't believe in eating animals.  I am not doing this because it is trendy. I am doing this because I simply just want to see if I can.  I want to actually feel the difference in my body. I want to know what it will feel like to eat incredibly healthy and fresh food for a month and see if it gives me more energy or makes me feel better about my body.  I want to see if my cholestrol can go down. 

I love the idea of actually looking at the ingredients in food and seeing what is actually going in my mouth.  I love the idea of buying fresh vegetables and going outside my comfort zone to make new foods. 

Will I miss dairy? Yes.  Will I miss chicken?  yes.  Will I miss meat?  Not as much.  Will I finally learn to eat kale, tomatos and portabello mushrooms?  Well, I guess we have to see what happens this month.

So far, so good.  I've been a vegan for 3 hours. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

Reasons I know I'm not ready for a dog

1.  Dog+rain=having to mop
2.  I don't own a mop
3.  I own a swifter, which doesn't do a mop justice.
4.  Dogs learn how to put the heating blanket on at night to sweat me out of my own bed
5.  You think I have problem with people chewing?  A dog chewing on a bone when I'm going through PMS is worse than my boss eating potato chips
6.  I like to step on a bathmat after the shower and not fall on a furry breathing body
7.  My hands smell like dog food

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Vegan with the leather shoes

I'm contemplating becoming a vegan for one month.  It has nothing to do with my lack of wanting to eat animals (which I do love to do and enjoy the taste of).  It has everything to do with wanting to clean my body out a bit and feel lighter and healthier and I think this might be a good way to start. 
The problem is this is going to be an extemely hard diet for me for a whole month. I could try it for one week and see how I feel.  I mean, let's face it, I can't stand the taste of portabello mushrooms and I love love love dairy.  I had to go on a dairy-free diet for a month a couple of years ago and I wanted to lie down at Stop and Shop and cry in front of the yogurt and cheese.  I remember my mom serving me a plate of pesto pasta and putting freshly grated parmesean cheese on top and me saying, "i can't have dairy" and she saying, "it's only a little."
I have to try to be strict with this vegan diet.  I have to at least give it a shot. I'm also going to try going to the gym again during this period to keep my mind off the fact that I'm not eating ice cream, or meat, or chicken, or an omelette or anything really except metamucil and flax seed!
stay tuned!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I've lived in my apartment for over 3 years.  I can't even believe this fact.  I've never done anything for that long in succession. Relationships, jobs, apartments. Actually, that's not true. I've owned a few pairs of boots for that long. 

What I am getting at here is that since I've lived in my place, I've had the most obnoxious upstairs neighbors.  My first year I had a guy who thought he was so cool but he looked like a chimpmunk.  I never saw him except for when he was taking his recycle bin out filled with empty beer bottles and pizza boxes.  He was loud.  He was rude. He was dirty.  Once, he even broke my front window by throwing a chair through it one night.  I didn't see him much after that. He moved out.

About a year ago, the newleywed couple moved in. I have yet to see both of them at the same time. I have never said hi or looked in their faces.  I wouldn't even know they exist except for 2 really annoying facts about them.

1.  They fight louder than any couple I have ever met.  Every night they fight. It is usually the woman doing most of the screaming.  I would seriously hang myself with a noose if this was my wife.  She is awful.  She screams when he comes home.  She screams when he goes out.  She screams about the TV, the car, everything you can imagine, she yells about. 

2.  They slam the door about 30 times a day.  They have yet to realize or maybe they do it on purpose, but every time they come down the stairs. Excuse me, pound up and down the stairs, they rattle my apartment.  Then they slam the door and then slam the other door.  I don't know where they are going. There are some mornings, I hear this slamming about 5 times in a row. Some nights, the same thing.  Sometimes I think one goes out and the other comes in just so they can slam the door.

I've turned into crazy lady with these neighbor. I sit on my couch and scream, "Don't slam the door!!"  I pound on the wall. One night I just opened and closed my door about 15 times just because I thougth I was going insane.  I know I am being passive but I can't stand them. I don't know whether I need to put a note on the door or what but it is getting worse lately.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Oscar and Grouch Part 7 or 8….not sure, I’ve lost count.

Oscar and Grouch Part 7 or 8….not sure, I’ve lost count.

The 83rd Academy Awards (AKA The Oscars) are coming up. This year was a record year for me I must say. I saw every nominated film in all the big categories and most in the smaller ones. This is a first for me and I am very excited about this.

I only saw one documentary this year and no it wasn’t “Waiting for Superman”, which I’ll bite my tongue…didn’t get nominated. This brings me to this year’s theme and also the color of most of the actresses’ dresses I’m assuming: White.

This year, the Academy has decided that they didn’t want to hear as many speeches about thanking god and would much prefer a white person ranting about Egypt. Actually, this year, a British white man ranting about Egypt. Therefore, there was nobody of any color but white nominated for an Oscar.

On February 27 I hope you all take a few hours out of your evening. These Oscars are as obvious as a non-profit manager having no clue how to use Excel, but even still, it’s fun to go through them and pick them apart.

Best Actor AKA Obviously Colin Firth
Javier Bardem for “Biutiful”

If ever I wanted to get up from a movie and walk out, this could be it. However, I just can’t ever really seem to do that (even for Meet Joe Black) because I always feel like something is bound to happen in the movie that makes sense; that gives a point to the whole thing. While this movie was one of the most depressing ones I’ve seen in a long time, Javier Bardem did a bueno job and he does deserve a nomination. It just makes me sad that movies like this have to be made. It was just so heartbreaking and I don’t always want to see unhappiness. I think my mom said it best, “Schindler’s List was more uplifting than that movie.” He won’t win. Colin Firth will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: when he is telling his daughter he is going to die

Jeff Bridges for “True Grit”

I was all for Jeff Bridges last year when he won for Crazy Heart. I even accepted the fact that he got a standing ovation because it was a first time win. But I wildly disappointed in this year’s nomination. I thought the movie was just ok in most parts. It’s not that Bridges didn’t do a good job, I just couldn’t understand anything he was saying. I needed subtitles for his lines. (Kind of like how I need them for every Dustin Hoffman movie made since Rainman). I have no idea why Ryan Gosling or Aaron Eckhart weren’t nominated and he was. But it doesn’t matter. He won’t win. Colin Firth will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he first meets the girl in the courthouse

Jesse Eisenberg for “The Social Network”

I think Eisenberg did a very impressive job. From the first scene to the last, he captured the “Zuckmerman” mannerisms even if it wasn’t exactly 100% based on truth. You hate him. You think he has autism. You feel for him. You get angry with him. Then, at the end when the money comes up, you wish you were him. For that, he most definitely deserves this Oscar nomination. He won’t win. Colin Firth will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he tells the lawyer why he doesn’t want to answer a certain question

James Franco for “127 Hours”

If there ever was a year that there should be a runner-up for best actor, it should be this year with James Franco and I’m not talking about his work on General Hospital, which I can only assume is amazing. James Franco had my attention for the entire film. You could really feel for him down there in that canyon. It wasn’t a movie just about cutting off your own arm. It was about survival. I love the scene when he remembers he left his orange Gatorade in his truck. He did an incredible job. Way to go Franco. He won’t win. Colin Firth will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: Considering the whole movie is him stuck with his arm in a canyon, probably a scene when his arm is stuck in a canyon

Colin Firth for “The King’s Speech”

There is no doubt in my mind that he deserves this nomination and this win. I really loved this movie. You might not know the story and you might think to yourself, “how does a movie about a guy with a speech impediment sound interesting?” But, it was. Acting is about speaking and facial expressions and being able to feel for the character regardless about whether you believe in that person or not. Colin Firth did just this. Everyone I know has something about themselves that makes them vulnerable and you just wanted to cheer for him at the end.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he is explaining to his therapist about his father.

Actor who got screwed because he wasn’t white: Were there any parts for non white actors this year? I mean besides Samuel L. Jackson in The Other Guys and Denzel Washington in that train movie?

Actor who got screwed even though he is white: Tie for Ryan Gosling for “Blue Valentine” and Aaron Eckhart for “Rabbit Hole”

Best Actress AKA…The Upset (especially from me if Benning wins)

Annette Benning for “The Kids Are All Right”

All right. All right. We get it. She has been nominated four times before and has lost twice to Hilary Swank and what a shame it would be to lose to Natalie Portman so give it to her right? Not all right! I was so excited about this movie because who doesn’t love a movie about hot lesbians? And by that I mean Julianne Moore. However, this movie was just a big disappointment. Annette’s character was cliché and trite down to the pant suits she wore and her spiky haircut and her drinking of red wine. I won’t get started here on the sex scenes because I’ll leave that to best movie category. However, let me just say that Annette did an all right job and I think she is nominated only because she played a lesbian. And if this is the case, I should win the Oscar and I don’t even wear vests or ties. And if she does win this, you will hear me sigh all the way through her 2 minute Oscar speech about equal rights and her love of Julianne Moore who she couldn’t have done this movie without. No doubt. I have a little fear she could take it but I am going to say she won’t.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she is yelling at Julianne Moore when she finds out she was cheating

Nicole Kidman for “Rabbit Hole”

I saw this movie this past Saturday and it was my last Oscar movie to see. I loved Nicole in this movie. I think she could pull off a real upset and take her second Oscar with this performance. She was magnificent. The movie, while it had a sad theme, was more about the how the couple dealt with their lost in their own way. Nicole’s scenes were she cried out and yelled at her husband were very powerful. However, it was the quitier scenes when she is sitting on a park bench or in her car that really portray her agony. I loved her in this movie.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she asking her mother if the pain ever goes away

Jennifer Lawrence for “Winter’s Bone”

This movie I don’t understand at all. I guess because it is so artsy it belongs in the Oscar world but honestly, I just thought it was boring and depressing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jennifer Lawrence’s lips were really hot in this movie, (which is awful because she played a 17 year old girl I think) but that’s okay. And it was kind of hot when she skinned the squirrel but that’s about it. Her acting was fine. It was another slow, depressing, heartbreaking film and I guess this year, I was just over that.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she is talking to her uncle the first time at his house

Natalie Portman for “Black Swan”

Did I just say I was over slow, depressing, heartbreaking films? Let me take that back for one second because Black Swan was the exception for me. I think she should win for this based on the fact of what she had to do to prepare for the role. All Annette Benning had to do to prepare was watch gay male porn and learn how to shop at Express for Men. Natalie Portman’s acting was amazing. She didn’t have too many lines but it was her facial expressions and movements that really captured her in this movie. I am going to go out on a limb here and say she will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she is telling the director that Lily is against her or when she is dancing turning into the black swan

Michelle Williams for “Blue Valentine”

I really liked her in this film. I know she basically played the same character as she did in Brokeback Mountain but that is okay with me. This was a story about a real relationship. I have no idea why Ryan Gosling wasn’t nominated as well except Jeff Bridges was and took his place. Regardless of how you feel about this character, there is no doubt that she played it really well. But she has less than zero percent chance of winning.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she is in the kitchen at the end yelling at her husband

Actress who got screwed because she wasn’t white: Halle Berry for “Frankie and Alice” (but lets face it nobody could stand to hear that speech again anyway) and according to Ebony Magazine she is black.

Actress who got screwed even though she was white: Halle Berry for “Frankie and Alice” (she seems to decide her color based on who is asking anyway)

Best Supporting Actor: AKA We know it’s going to be Christian Bale but we needed to have 4 others to make it fair

Christian Bale for “The Fighter”

Christian Bale did an amazing job in this film. Never mind that an English actor had to play a blue collar guy living in Lowell, MA, but he also had to play a real life character. You could really feel for his character when you found out the documentary was going to be about drug abuse and to see his recovery was like watching a real episode of Intervention. You didn’t once think watching this movie, “I wonder when the new Batman is coming out” because he was able to take you so far away from his other roles that you forgot it was him. He will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he is talking to his brother’s girlfriend during his recovery at the end

John Hawkes for “Winter’s Bone”

Again with this movie. Okay, let me see. I suppose he did a good job. I mean, the guy was a real scumbag for pretty much most of the movie so even though I didn’t like the character, I can see that he did a good job playing it. I just think they threw him in there for some artistic quality or something. Again, doesn’t matter, Christian Bale will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he comes to his niece’s house at the end

Jeremey Renner for “The Town”

I’m pretty sure the only reason this guy is up for this movie is because The Town didn’t get any other nominations and they thought for sure that they were going to get a bunch when it was made. I am not saying he did a bad job, he just did a good job. It wasn’t an Oscar worthy performance the way it was last year when he should have won for The Hurt Locker. But it doesn’t matter anyway because Christian Bale will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he is talking to Ben Affleck at the park in front of the fence

Mark Ruffalo for “The Kids Are All Right”

No. Don’t get me wrong. I like this guy. I’ve liked him since he showed up at Sundance with You Can Count On Me and I forgave him for Zodiac but I am not sure this was an Oscar worthy performance. He did a great job in the movie and in my opinion was the only character I really could feel for in the end, but he did his usual. He was charming and cute. But it doesn’t matter anyway because Christian Bale will win.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When is on the phone learning talking to his sperm daughter for the first time

Geoffrey Rush for “The King’s Speech”

I think if anyone could possibly upset Christian Bale for the win it could be Geoffrey Rush. You could just feel the friendship and the bond that formed between the King and the therapist and for that he definitely worthy of a nomination and a win if he gets it, which he probably won’t because let’s hear it everyone….Christian Bale will get it.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When he meets with Colin Firth for the first time

Actor who got screwed because he wasn’t white: Ken Watanabe for “Inception”

Actor who got screwed even though he was white: Andrew Garfield for “The Social Network”

Best Supporting Actress AKA Usually The Category That Throws You Off

Amy Adams for “The Fighter”

Does she have to be nominated every other year for something just for the sake of it? I like Amy Adams and yes she did play a completely different character than her other more airy and flighty roles, but I am not sure this was an Oscar performance. She got the accent down and the clothes and the attitude but that was what she was supposed to do. She didn’t do anything other than that for me. Now if they nominated the sisters as a whole for this part, now that would have been something!

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she tells Mark Walhberg that she believes in him (wait, wasn’t that the whole movie? Yes.)

Helena Bonham Carter for “The King’s Speech”

So I am going to say I don’t really understand this nomination. I think it was maybe thrown in there because it is going to win best actor and movie and maybe they felt like she had to get it too. Pretty much the same reason Amy Adams got nominated. This must have been a slow year for supporting actresses for women but I think I would have even rather seen Dianne Wiest nominated than her. Again, excellent movie and great job by the Queen (and not the Queen of Hearts which in hindsight might actually have made more sense for a nomination). However, we all love to see what her hair will look like on Oscar day so I guess it’s worth it.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she meets with the speech therapist for the first time

Melissa Leo for “The Fighter”

I will bet money that she will win for this role. I don’t think it was the best acting that any woman has ever done in a movie, but this was a slow year for the supporting woman so I understand all the hype about why she would win. She had to play a character much older than herself and the character was a bit of a shocker. I can’t imagine being or having a mother like the one she played. And she pulled off white pants so you got to give her some credit for that.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: when she is talking to Mark Walhberg in his house about not quitting

Hailee Steinfield for “True Grit”

She was the only thing I thought was great in this film. I love stories about tough chicks in history, especially during a time when women weren’t considered strong. For a young actress, she has made a name for herself with this role. If she won, I would be happy with it. But I don’t think she has gotten enough hype to pull it off against Leo.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: When she is trying to get Jeff Bridges out of bed for the first time

Jacki Weaver for “Animal Kingdom”

Woah. No, this movie is not about lions and tigers on the Discovery Channel narrated by Oprah. THANK YOU! However, it was just as surprising. This is an Australian crime family movie which at times you can hardly understand and need subtitles. Jacki Weaver was only in this film for probably a total of 10 minutes but I can see why she was nominated. Judi Dench won for Shakespeare in Love after only being it in for 7 minutes so why not. She played a mother and grandmother doing such despicable things but with such a calm authority that you can’t believe that a person could be so evil. She won’t win but good for her for getting recognized.

Scene they will show if they finally show scenes again for the love of god: when she is talking to the police officer about killing her grandson

Actress who got screwed because she wasn’t white: Brenda Song for “The Social Network”

Actress who got screwed even though she was white: Dianne Wiest for “Rabbit Hole”

Best Picture AKA why bother when it really comes down to just 2 anyway.

“Black Swan” – great sound, great editing, great acting, and obviously great cinematography. This film got a lot of people interested the first weekend it opened because of the illucid “lesbian” scene but then people started to really see the actual appeal of this movie and that it was just a great thriller. Won’t win.
“The Fighter” – this was an interesting story and as a whole, the cast did a great job. It will win two acting honors because of it. But it won’t win.

“Inception” – it took me twice to realize that this was a really great movie. The story was interesting and the special effects were off the chart (and will win for that). Won’t win.

“The Kids Are All Right “– why do you have to make a lesbian based movie and then have the lead character sleep with a guy. Come on! Really? And also, I don’t know any lesbian couples where one is a spiky haired doctor and the other is hot tomboyish gardener who live in a fabulous house in California. And if that actually does exist, I want it. Won’t win.

“The King’s Speech” – This is the winner fo-fo-fo-fol-folks. This is it. The man with the speech impediment who eventually became King and brought his country together in a time of war. This movie had it all. Costumes (it will win), acting, directing, friendship, story about love and loyalty and friendship and trust. It’s a true story with a happy ending. This will win.

“127 Hours” – Great film. Danny did another movie where he took to you another world for a couple of hours with the music and the colors and the uncertainty of what is next. I watched only part of the “the arm scene” but it was done in such an artistic way that he should win something for it; editing maybe? Won’t win best picture.

“The Social Network” - I’ve now seen this movie 3 times. At first I wanted it to win best picture of the year because I think it was just a great movie. It had wonderful writing, cinematography, acting (even Justin Timberlake) and it made you think. It might not have been all true to life but it was a story and we love stories. It is between this movie and the “The King’s Speech” and I think the Speech will take it. This one will get director and that will make Oscar history in itself when a movie and director get different wins. But it happens folks...remember Shakespeare in Love and Saving Private Ryan.

"Toy Story 3" – this must be the “Up” syndrome where the best animated feature that will win is also up for best movie of the Year. It was great. I loved it. Animation was so real and the characters were so greatly drawn and acted that you could have sworn it was real life. But won’t win.

“True Grit” –Of course because it’s the Coen Brothers (who might as well be called The Righteous Brothers) since all of Hollywood for some reason swoon over them. Isn’t it enough they won for “No Country For Old Men?” Won’t win.

“Winter’s Bone”- yawn. Won’t win. Maybe in a college film festival class or something where all the students think they are so creative and wise.

To summarize for those of you who don’t want to read all my witty remarks (Joel) here you go.

Best Actor Who Should Win: Colin Firth

Best Actor Who Will Win: Colin Firth

Best Actress Who Should Win: Natalie Portman

Best Actress Who Will Win: Natalie Portman

Best Supporting Actor Who Should Win: Christian Bale

Best Supporting Actor Who Will Win: Christian Bale

Best Supporting Actress Who Should Win: Melissa Leo

Best Supporting Actress Who Will Win: Melissa Leo

Best Movie That Should Win: The King’s Speech

Best Movie That Will Win: The King’s Speech

Enjoy! Pass Around. And Enjoy the Oscars.

Love, Laura

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Things that annoy me #7,595

Why do some pregnant women say, "I'm expecting." when they are due. 

Here's what I say to that.

#1.  Obviously.  You have a huge bulge coming out of your stomach.
#2.  What exactly are you expecting?  Me to care?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Scratch it and sniff

Q:  Why do people feel the need to put the flowers they got for Valentine's Day up on facebook for all the world (or their 65-674 friends) to see? 

A: People feel the need to constantly show how amazing their girlfriends or boyfriends are so they can get reassurance from the world that they are in a good relationship. 

Q:  Don't you think that maybe these people just want to show how pretty the flowers are to everyone and there is no other agenda?

A:  No.  There is always another agenda when people post the flowers they got.  Yes, I'm sure the flowers are very pretty and it was a very sweet gesture but there is a bit of need for attention when the flowers are posted. 

Q:  Why do people usually follow the flower picture with a quote that says something like, "isn't my so and so awesome?"

A:  Again, these people want to be validated that they are in a good relationship.  You don't see them post pictures of an empty table with no flowers do you?  No.  They only post when the significant other does something sweet.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Carrots and Berries

When I think about the winter and having to sit inside from the cold weather thinking and thinking about my life, I often get down.  That is when I have to creat carrots for myself to help me get through the harder times.  There are now three huge carrots awaiting me and I only have to wait a few months for them.  I can do this.

My first carrot is I have a $400 credit on Jet Blue to take a long weekend somewhere. 

My second carrot is a 9 day trip to Hawaii with my family in May.

My third carrot and I just found this out this morning, is a week long trip to Peru in July with my sister and her friend Lauren. We are going to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu.  And yes, Lauren Z, I will be camping without showers.  So we might have to take a trip to NH to prepare for this!

So now I just have to take the next few months and get to the gym and get my body in shape.  I love the spring and the summer so now only great things to look forward to.  Trips, hikes in NH, going to the beach.  It's all coming!!!

So I'll keep eating my winter root veggies knowing that I'll be switching to berries real soon.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Creative Juices

I know I often don't drink enough liquids throughout the day but what I don't understand is why my creative juices have been running out.  Maybe it is the lack of sun.  Maybe it is my boring job.  Maybe it is that I always feel stuck, but I need to figure out a way to to get them flowing again.  I'm currently writing my Oscar prediction blog out and it's taking me awhile but I think by the end of the week it should be done. 

On a side note, I've successfully found a way to use my OCD to my advantage.  I told myself that I would read 30 books this year. I am no book #7 now and three of them have been over 1,000 pages.  I can't stop reading because I've convinced myself that I am going to double this number.  Not that reading is a bad thing. It actually stops my mind from going to scary places so I am going to continue with it. 

Things that annoy me #5,694

Why do people feel the need to tell me how many people are in their family by putting those stupid stickers on their minivans?  You know the ones...where it shows the mom and the dad and the little boy billy and the little girl sally and even the little pup spot.  What is that all about?  And they are always in the lower left hand of the back window.  Are those stickers supposed to make me go slower or not beep at you when you stop completely before taking a right turn onto a side street?  Because they won't!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dr. Dr. Give me the news....

It's official. I finally have a primary care doctor who knows that I am gay!  It was awesome.  She said, "are you sexually active?" and I said, "no and I'm a lesbian too!".  It was amazing to finally say that after 8 years of lying about using condoms and having sex with men.  Thanks Dr. G! 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Race to a joke

Mom: (being serious):  "Where do you think the largest Indian population is in the US?"

Laura (being serious):  "Probably the customer service line at Kohls."

Reasons I know it's time to fly across the country

I like Seattle.  I like to call it my "second city". Mostly, because it sounds cool to have a "second city" but also because when I go there, I know how to get around and I've been about 10 times now that I feel like I know the city pretty well and I have a favorite noodle place so really there isn't much more to life than that. 

Whenever I start to feel a little down in life (I take a pill).  No seriously, whenever I start to feel a little down in life and I manage to not curl up in my bed crying over my wasted life, I seem to book a trip out west.  It's the furthest away from where I can go in America so I always feel that must mean I am doing something special.  Last year, I flew across the country three times in 2 months.  This year, I already have a Seattle/Vancouver trip booked and Hawaii is in May.  And I might fly out to California or Vegas later in the spring but that is not decided yet.  I also want to go to Sedona and just sit by myself in a spa for a few days and hike around the beauty but I always say that and don't actually do it.

Morale of this blog, is I know I am ready for a cross country trip when I do a few things.  Below are these such things:

1.  Start touching my hair non stop at work.
2.  Take out the scissors and start cutting the split ends of my hair at work.
3.  Stop even trying to look nice when I go into work.
3. Wear the same exact pants three days in a row at work.
4.  Stop obsessing about the Oscars for a few days and tell myself, "I can skip that movie"
5.  Start thinking about what I should have studied in college so I would have a great job and make a lot of money by now and understand things like IRAs and stock options and feel like an adult.
6.  Obsess about getting a new comforter because I've had mine for seven years. 

I've done all 6 of these things.  Good thing I'm flying out next week.