Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tight Wad

I have never been considered a patient person.  Ever. I have a lot of amazing qualities. Patience has never been one of them. Whether that means standing in line, sitting in traffic, waiting for an answer, waiting for a relationship, patience to find my calling in life, anything....just don't have it.

However, the past few weeks I've noticed a significant change to this pattern.  I am a lot calmer.  Maybe it's the summer.  Maybe it's just me growing up.  Maybe it's just me giving less and less of a shit about the useless stuff.

However, today I think it has to do with the fact that my bra could not be any tighter and I just can't focus on anything else right now. I can't wait to go home and take it off and then put on a sports bra and pick up my bike from the shop and go for a ride. 

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Morning Jolts

The past two weeks I have been waking up at 4am every day.  I do not like this.  I am not sure exactly what is going on.  I am starting to think that maybe my body is telling me to become a morning person and get up and go for a jog at 4am.

If you believed that then you are crazy!  I don't jog.  I will never jog. I will never run.  No thank you.  I like my legs and knees.  I will walk for hours and hike and bike or do anything else besides run though.

So, if it isn't my body telling me to get up and jog, what is it?  Is it my mind telling me to get up and get going and enjoy the day!!  Again, I can do that at 7am or 8am I hope not.

I am going with the air conditioning theory...that my air conditioner is waking me up and telling me that my soft and warm comforter fell off the bed and I need to pick it up.  That's the theory I am going with.

It's 5:30 now...if I can get back to sleep in the next five minutes, I can still get two hours of sleep.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Things I learned at this year's "pride"

1.  Think before you go to Cottonwood.
2.  I would rather get wet than stand under an umbrella with my ex girlfriend and her crazy new girlfriend who acts like her mother.

3.  I have nothing to say to my ex girlfriend, which is sad.

4.  It's okay to run into ex girlfriends who are cool and actually talk to you.

5.  Don't think girls will change. They won't. That's why you left them.

6.  Don't ever go dancing at Machine ever again.  The girls don't know how to dance and they are disgusting.

7.  Always drive myself when I go out someplace.

8.  Tell girls who you have "hung" out with you and seen you around for about 2 years to fuck off when they hit on you and say "hey, my name is Jane." and I say, "yeah..I know. we have hung out for 2 years." and she says, "we have" and then you say, " anyway" and walk remember Laura Goldberg.  If you don' don't even deserve to look at me.

9.  People do not change.  I change.  For the better.  And I could not be happier about it.

Monday, June 14, 2010

So difficult

Do you ever wonder why commercials make simple mundane tasks seem so hopelessly difficult so you order or run to the grocery store to buy their product.  Those commericals always crack me up.  I remember one a few years ago for those non dairy creamer containers.  It showed a woman struggling to open a cardboard carton.  She just couldn't figure out how to press the lip together to open the carton.  You know...the same one we had to use as kids all the time to open our milk cartons at camp.  Yeah, the ones that take 5 seconds to open and occasionally 10 seconds if you had to peel back the paper a little with your hand.

Anyway, the commercial was for a non dairy creamer with a screw on cap.  And they moved the shot from the woman with messed up hair and milk all over her shirt to her easily unscrewing the cap and pouring it in her coffee. 

Sidenote:  I only buy the screw caps myself.

The commercial I saw yesterday was even funnier.  It was for the "shoe keeper" for under your bed.  Bascially it is a cardboard box with cardboard liners to separate your shoes.  Or as the commercial says, "your socks, your belts, yours shoes or any accessory."  Basically, if you have a hard time actually putting your socks in your sock drawer, you can place them in this cardboard box and put it under your bed for only $19.95. 

I don't know about you, but if something ends up under my bed in a cardboard box, it stays there for years.  Hence, the reason I just recently found a cardboard box full of stuff from an ex...sharpie pens, an old broken ninento game and a bowl.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade.  Actually,  I think I might have been born in the wrong century.  What ever happened to the time when people were romantic?  When people tried to look beautiful? When people had to talk to each other if they had something to say.  Or even more romantic, had to pick up a quill and actually write down their thoughts?  When people boarded trains with beautiful luggage and gave each other long kisses before venturing off on a two week trip to their destination?  There is nothing more romantic than a train. 

Don't tell my little sister I said that because she will remind you of the time in Hungary when we had to board the train to get to Prague.  And I had a minor meltdown because of the heat and the 3am wakeup calls to check our passports while the window was wide open because of the extreme heat.  And how through some sort of adrenaline rush, I managed to literally throw my suitcases over my head into the bin like I was tossing a car.  And how the whole time I kept telling her boarding this train reminded me of the Nazi Germany trains because everyone had their hands out the window and were tossed in like cattle in second class!  So, don't tell her I said this.  Also don't tell my older sister this because she will remind you of the time in Spain when I had to jump off the train because it was leaving before I had taken all my bags off!!  "Laura, JUMP!"  Ironically, I would have probably ended up in Prague then too...just years earlier.

Let me rephrase. Trains USED to be romantic. 

And so were people.  Now, we have to wait for an email or a text or some sort of electronic communication to know that someone is interested in talking to you.  At least back in the day, you knew that a letter could take up to a month or two to get to you!  And during that time, you just thought about the person and when the letter finally came, and you opened up the parchment paper and saw that beautiful cursive writing, you just melted.  And then you ran to your secretary desk and immediately wrote back all the things that you had been thinking about for the past month!  How romantic!  Today, we just have to wait for an email.  And the problem is, everyone is on email so when you don't get an email, you have to question why!

I'll be the first to admit that I use email and I text all the time.  But lately, I have just had the desire to talk to people...on the phone or in person!  I would love to run to my mailbox and see a package from someone special or a letter.  Or...let's bring this back to modern about just a card?  And not an ecard!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

White Liar, MD

So I have a little bit of a problem.  I am probably one of the most honest people you will meet.  When I have something to say, I say it.  I'm usually very tactful unless you piss me off enough to make it to my blog...then I may or may not be "as" tactful.  But, in general, I am open and honest and genuine and I make people feel comfortable enough so they can be too.

One problem. The one person I am not this brutally open with is my primary care physican.  I have seen the same woman since 2001. I don't like her very much. She has long stringy gray hair and she has pictures of her three boys up in the room so when I'm sitting there in my stirups or for whatever reason I go in, I have to see her three boys staring at me.  Not cool.

Anyway, the problem I have is that she has no idea I am gay and I have been lying to her about it for so long that my white lie has just reached the point of no return and I need a new doctor.

I was on the birth control pills for 14 years to control my period because....blah, blah, blah...I am nothing short of inconsistent.  Anyway, she actually once took my hand and looked to see if I had a ring on my finger before she would prescribe again.  Last time I went in, my blood pressure was so high because she kept asking if I was sexually active, which I wasn't at the time.  But then she says, "last time you said you weren't.  are you saying for two years you haven't been?"...woah, get a grip woman.  I totally have.  But instead I said, "well, i guess a little."  and she says, "do you use protection" and I say "yes" ...then she gives me STD tests!!!!  jesus. I can't ever go back there!!!

Another problem, I have been PMSing for almost 2.5 months.  I am off birth control and of course I am irregular again.  I haven't had it but everyday I experience all the symptons and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  Imagine what it feels like for 2 days before your period. I've had it for 2.5 months!!!!!!  I am seriously thinking of sticking a pin inside and popping that damn egg myself!  Every. I mean every emotion is running through me and that includes irritability and laziness.  I can't wait to go home and nap!

So, I need to call Fenway, where I can stand up straight and say I'm gay. And hopefully leave without a fistful of condoms!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Favorite Moments

I was looking through some photos from the past few months and I wanted to post some of my favorite moments.  In order:

The 1st image is a goose with her goslings.  I love when the goslings hatch. It's one of my favorite times a year. I actually skipped across the street when I saw them. 

The 2nd image is me at a work gala. I had on black heels but after a few hours of d ancing I had blisters. 

The 3rd image is me at the end of the continent in Washington.  What a beautiful place!!!!

The 4th image is the sign just makes me laugh because Cat thinks of me everytime she passes it.

The 5th image is the outcome of me taking a cooking class.  I learned how to make pork tenderloin. I've made it three times.  This meal makes me so happy.

The 6th image is my lobster roll. This is one I got in Portsmouth on Mother's Day when I went with my sister to see a play.  It's the start of summer to me. 

The 7th image is my new owl belt.  I declared this the year of the owl on New Years and this belt makes me confident. 

The 8th image is when I was sitting in a bar in NYC with Cat....tried a new beer and liked it.  Tried a new sandwich and liked it. Just so much fun.

The 9th image is my Red Sox outfit which just makes me laugh As Cat says, "Laura, you go to the games and eat everything but I bet you couldn't name four players."

The 10th image is my birthday breakfast.  There are two pancakes on this plate. 

The 11th image was in San Fran..actually Oakland.  Dream car.

The 12th image is me seeing Mt. Ranier.  Amazing. I've been to Seattle 8 times but only seen in a couple. 

The 13th image is my favorite sign ever.  I voted for her because of her name. 

The 14th image is right before skydiving....why do I look so silly. I was so proud of myself. One of my proudest moments.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Red Velvet Cake

So I just came off a high watching the Celtics....they get my blood pumping during these freaking games.  Kind of like today when I took a 115 degree steam shower for 25 minutes then immediately took a cold shower after.  There is no better feeling than feeling that cold water on you after you just cleansed your body like that!

Anyway, before bed I did my checking of my which has become my before bed routine (again...need some sort of routine because that is what I have to do to join the ranks of the normal working people) and I clicked on to "my matches".  Those make me laugh so hard.  "Like you, she likes dogs."  "Like you, she likes to socially have a beer."  Hilarious.  PS.  if you have a profile pic of you drinking a beer, chances are I go right past you.  Anyway, one of "my matches" said and I quote..

"I like color food people."  Please tell me she meant colorful and put color food. Wow.  This stuff is cracking me up.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Douchebags vs. Yoga

Yesterday was Friday.  By Friday, I am tired.  Not physically but mentally.  I have a rough outer edge a lot and my inside is so sweet and tender that sometimes by Friday I just melt.  I am able to hold in so much during the week things that affect me:  being bored, occasional lapses of self esteem, girls who say they want to date me but then just stop talking to me, friends who hurt my feelings, feeling overweight, being confused at work, everything that everyone goes through I guess.

But on Friday at work, someone said something to me that made me upset.  And in my head I thought, "I wish I had a masters degree so I could look at her and say, 'i'll wipe my ass with my about that?'" Instead, I hung up the phone and went outside in the sun. People can be so unhelpful sometimes.  And truthfully, just plain mean for no reason.  So, on my way out the door, a man with Downs Syndrome asked if I needed help with a big smile.

I put on my extra large sunglasses and just started to bawl in the parking lot.  Why?  Because when I let go of all the things that affect me negatively during the week and let, for one moment, someone who is naive to the woahs of life and so good and so kind in, I let loose and I let go.  So, I bawled.  For about 20 seconds.  Then I was ok.

That led me to hot yoga this morning.  I thought I'd try something that is supposedly good for your mind.  I just came back and I am a hot, sweaty pig right now!  I like it ok.  I used to do pilates and I am more into that I think.  Pilates is about strength building and I like that. Yoga is more about breathing and making really weird noises.  And I think I am too silly for yoga.  It's hard and the more I do it, the better I will be I know.  There needs to be a yoga for silly people.

Friday, June 4, 2010

My taste buds

Since I decided to start eating all new and different foods, my whole world has opened!!  I've come so far from spaghetti every night.  I am so proud of myself.

Tonight, fish tacos!  And I tried black beans.

Now, you are probably thinking, "I can't believe you never had those!" But making fun of me for trying new foods that I have never had is like making fun of an overweight person at the gym.  Lame.  There are a few areas/things I will not make fun of.  Overweight people at the gym...and the developmentally disabled.  Everyone else is a target.

Ummmm....this place was amazing.


Today has been a funny day with me and the boss.  I talk to her a lot about dating and being single.  She has been there for me the past year during all my girl fiascos...being happy, then getting sad, then getting happy again, then getting annoyed, then getting confused.  Then being single and smiling a lot.  She is one of my biggest fans of me finding someone who will just treat me right and be fun and cool.  She told me once I'd make a great wife (I bake).  I said, "how about we start with one date."

So now she is here with me as I venture on  It's funny, funny stuff having her by my side as I troll the site.  It's hard for me because I don't know how to date.  I always end up being with friends or friends of friends, or alcoholics, or people who just broke up with their girlfriends.  So, the whole meeting someone new thing that doesn't know, have dated or slept with my friends is hard. Very hard. 

And being gay makes it even harder.  And being the kind of gay girl that a lot of lesbians don't understand makes it even harder.  Girls never hit on me.  Ever.  Is it because they don't know I am gay?  Is it because I am too sarcastic? I don't know.  But I never get hit on. I don't think lesbians like me.  Men like me.  Men flirt with me all the time.  Men check me out.  So, why won't women?

I am a flirt.  One of the biggest flirts you will ever meet.  I am also a Scorpio so I am passionate and sexy.  But then I start talking and building connections to fucking women and then they turn weird.  So should I just be sexy and pretty and have men stare at me and sometimes talk to them because they think I am funny or should I flirt with women and acutally be myself and then have them turn away.  Ahhh, the dilmena.

Anway, I got the month membership and my boss said if I don't find a date, then she will pay for next month.  I think it is because she wants to use my membership to find herself a date...which leads me to this.

As I was looking for men for her, I realized that straight people might actually have it harder than us gays.  There is so much to choose from and so much cheese on match with men you wouldn't even believe it.  It's like going into the biggest bookstore in the world and there are too many books to choose from.  It's easier to just go to Brookline Booksmith and be gay and have less selection.  But it is?  Because Boston is small so half the people on match are either: not my type at all, would never understand my sarcasm, are probably dating someone already, have slept with my friends or are just way to gay for me. 

So back to the men.  There are a lot of lonely people out there.  And most of them, have no idea how to post a normal photo.  I just laughed for a good hour going through the men with boss picking out the ones that would work and wouldn't work and it was so fun. I could do that for hours.  Why?  Because as much as I think everyone in the world has healthy stable relationships, the reality is that just as many don't. 

Today's Favorite Converstation

Boss:  "laura, i have a bump on my hand."
Me:  "where?"
Boss:  "here."
Me: "if you even think of going on fucking web md i'm going to lose my shit."
Boss:  "why???"
Me: "i don't want to hear about how you think you have fingernail cancer."
Boss: "you will miss me when i'm gone!"

What I thought about on the way to work today.

In order to not feel like anything in my life is routine, I try to take a different way to work everyday throughout the five days and then switch it up each week.  It also depends on traffic.  Because I know that in order to make it in the workplace until I open my own business I will have to succumb to some sort of routine.  So this week, I had strawberry Greek yougurt everyday.  So that is something.

Anyway, today in traffic I thought of this:

1.  Taylor in the morning on Cosmo radio makes me so happy. She is my ideal straight friend.  And just like most friends, I needed to take a three week hiatus from her this past month and listen to the CDs in my car and also top 40 radio for awhile so I can know what the summer song was going to be.  At first I thought it was going to be Rhianna's Rude Boy and I was crossing my fingers for this but it isn't looking good.  Today, I brought Taylor back into my life and just in time for my favorite expression so far today, "A skank is a skank is a skank."

2.  Why do celebrities always have twins?  This reminded me that Celine Dion is expecting twins, which reminded me of when my old boss at my old job told me she was "expecting" and I thought to myself at that point, "obviously lady, your hair is turning gray and could you just say you are pregnant....because saying you are expecting is just annoying."

3.  I would do anything to see Celine Dion in concert.  So hopefully, this news of her expected arrivals does not interfere with her show in Vegas, which hopefully I can go to.

4.  Did I make the right decision to buy $110 shoes last weekend.  They are black sandals from an Israeli company.  And I have to just get over the fact that I can't wear chucks to work everyday and I have to find comfortable shoes I can wear with pants, capris and skirts.  So, they might not be the most fashionable but they are comfortable so I guess I made the right decision.

5.  I need a major hair change.  Since, my major life change of moving to Seattle is not happening now, I now need a major hair change.  I put my hair up like this today to see if I should go short again.  And I also want to put some red in it. 

6.  I am trying hot yoga for the first time tonight.  I am excited about it because I can imagine it will be quite a blog the next day as I haven't done anything like yoga or pilates for years. Years ago, I was so in shape you wouldn't even recognize me. I could hundreds of push ups and about 5 pull ups on the bar.  I was so flexible. I'm coming back, baby. I'm coming back.

7.  Last night while watching the Celtics at the bar, I realized I need to get back to wanting to learn sign language.  It would have been really helpful during one part of the converstation.  And I totally would have pretended to sign but last night, my friends were too busy watching Celtics to laugh at my jokes so it would have been wasted.  But even still, I love watching Celtics with them. 

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My favorite conversation over a beer the past two weeks was this.

Me:  "Why do we like those kind of chicks?"
Friend:  "I have no idea!"
Me: "What's with that?"
Friend:  "Do you have an armband?  Are you fucked up?  And are you in the human services field?  Sign me up!"



Planning things can be so tiresome.  Now...true, I plan events as part of my job so one could think that I love planning. I think, though, that in life, I feel like I HAVE to plan things.  If I don't plan things, then things won't happen and then I will be bored, which is dangerous. Very, very dangerous.  So, because of this, I am always planning things. 

The problem in this world is that other people don't see that or understand this way of life so when plans are made, they don't realize that I was actually looking forward to plans so that when things don't happen, it sucks. 

So sometimes, I just want other people to make plans and bring me into them. I want camping trips, and hiking trips and museum trips, and just shit to do...that is yeah, I'll say it, planned!!!

When I was younger, whenever I wanted my mom to make me something, my stepfather would say, "poof, you're a sandwich". 

"poof, you've got plans."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I love you more than peanut butter and jelly...and that's hard.

I love peanut butter and jelly.  It could possibly be one of my favorite meals.  But today, I used this bread I got at Russos....fancy bread and it ruined my sandwich...which is is a shame because I was so excited to try the natural peanut butter for the first time ever. 

Therefore, I can without a doubt say..I love natural crunchy peanut butter but I much prefer it on seven grain bread I get at Stop and Shop.

And no, I did not have natural jelly.  That would just be silly.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


It's June 1st...which to me...means I have a choice. I have a choice to let go some of the things that have happened in the past month and just start fresh today.  Summer.  It's June 1st.  It's sunny. It's summer.  I have been offcially at my job for one year.  I am starting to slowly meet some new friends.  I have to stop worrying about the "friends" who are selfish and only think about themselves.  I have to step back and just do things for myself. And if someone wants to hang with me, they will call me.  I just have to let it go because that is my choice.  My choice.  Otherwise, the selfish people win.