Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Thursday, July 24, 2014


So I went ahead and joined Twitter.  That's it.  But joining Twitter has made me realize that I need to get back into my writing so here I go....

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Oscar and the Grouch: Laura's Oscar Predictions

Oscar and the Grouch – Laura’s Yearly Oscar Predictions
Welcome to my 10th installment of Laura's Oscar predictions.  

As always, I am quite aware that most of you are not as obsessed with the Oscars as I, and you are very welcome because I know you use my answers for your Oscar pool.  You aren’t in an Oscar pool?  Liar.  Also, if you tell me you haven’t seen a movie in three years, you REALLY better be a cool person and have another reason to talk to me. 

What a year for film!  For the first time in years I can honestly say that the only sure thing is that American speed skaters may want to think about pulling a Lola Jones and switching their careers to track and field.

The Chinese say it’s the year of the horse. I believe it’s the year of the Leo, or “The Wolf” as he so rightfully should be knighted. This is the year Leo and I will become best friends and he is going to invite me over to his private island he bought in Belize. Marty will come over and we will all sit around and watch Titanic and make fun of Gisele.  (Ok, so maybe I’ll just wave at him from afar but you never know when I set my mind to something).

I can’t continue without a big shout out to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  RIP buddy.  I know I have often made fun of you for your obscene sweaty demeanor and mumble inflection. However, you were an exceptional actor. I am sure no less than five people will dedicate their award to you. You are a real heroine. I mean hero.  

Now let’s begin…

Best Actor in a Motion Picture:
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Leonardo DiCaprio
Who will win:  Leonardo DiCaprio
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Miles Teller for The Spectacular Now  (You haven’t seen it you say? It’s On Demand.  No excuses.)  And Joaquin Phoenix for Her (just wish they shaved his mustache because I miss his cute little cleft lip scar).

Christian Bale for American Hustle:
When I first saw the preview to this movie I knew it would get nominated for everything.  And, it did.  Go me.  I absolutely loved him in this role.  And since he always gets so much credit for losing 50 pounds to play a part (The Machinist and The Fighter), let’s give him his due credit for gaining it for this role.  He won’t win.  Why?  Leo will. 

Bruce Dern for Nebraska:
The Black Stallion.  I smell a dark horse here (and not the Chinese horse).  If he wins, it will be a big pile of manure in my view. 

Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street:
Honestly do I need to say more here? I won’t start again on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Blood Diamond and The Departed and well, every single movie (besides The Beach) that he has been in.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you are missing out on three hours of fantastic debauchery.  If you see any scene, watch the one where he is drugged up…no not that one…the other one…no other one…no, no the OTHER one.  He will win. 

Chiwetel Ejiofer for 12 Years a Movie (I mean Slave):
(Cheee-weeee-tell-Edge-O-Fir)  (Chew-we-tall-Elll-if-fer)  (Tea-we-tall -Ouija board)
These are all the way in which Jennifer Lawrence may get his name wrong when announced. Two scenes got to me in this which really could be the reason he could win.  First is when he was left hanging on the tree.  Second was at the end (after 16 hours) when he said “Sorry I’ve been gone so long.  I’ve had a hard time.”  He won the BAFTA.  I really don't think he will win this.

Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club:
Here’s the deal. He was terrific in this movie. He has come a long way from Fools Gold and The Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past.  What I think happened is that he married Camile and had a couple of kids and now has a whole new lease on life.  It’s that or he has been overloading on the placenta berries from the tree planted in his backyard. Did you read that wrong? No. Camile and Matthew planted a tree in their backyard using her parts of her placenta.  Placenta berries:  the new Goji berry, coming soon to a natural foods section near you (except Market Basket). 

It’s not that I don’t think he deserves this award, it’s just I really don’t want to hear his hillbilly award speech….”alright, alright, alright”…you know what I’m talking about.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Cate Blanchettt
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Amy Adams
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Shailene Woodley for The Spectacular Now

Amy Adams for American Hustle:
You watch her in this role and you immediately forget that it’s Amy Adams.  This woman is becoming the new Meryl and literally gets nominated for every thing she is in.  This would have been a done deal and I still think it should be.  But then you watch Cate and you think “crap, she was really good in that.”

Cate Blanchette for Blue Jasmine:
Pretty sure she will go home with this and dedicate it to Philip.  The problem here is Woody Allen, the dark donkey. Will she lose her tall gold man because of Woody’s short white weenie?  I don’t understand why people are surprised about the child molestation allegations. (He did marry his stepdaughter.)  I think it’s just because he is a tiny little nerdy Jewish man and you just don’t think...tiny little nerdy Jewish man: child molester...You look at him and you think , “dammit, why does he have to be such an amazing director.”  If the academy can look passed all this, yes she will win.

Sandra Bullock for Gravity:
All I can say is bravo to Sandra for this role.  It’s not her year to win because of the other talent but great job.  Let's also give a shout out to The Heat.  And to her son Louise.

Judi Dench for Philomena:
I can’t stand it.  Every nominee is amazing.  I give a lot of shit to Judi Dench but she really is brilliant.  This is such a sweet, simple film and everyone over the age of 50 will love it.  So if you want to take your mom to see a movie, go to this one. 

Meryl Streep for August:  Osage County:
I am starting to think they nominate her because of the off chance she will win and give one of her hilarious acceptance speeches.  I haven’t seen this movie yet but I will.  I am sure she is great in it and I am sure she is 200% better than Julia Roberts.  She won’t win.  It took her so long between Sophie’s Choice and Iron Lady that there is just no way she will win this year. 

Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Jared Leno
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Jared Leno
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Sam Rockwell for The Way Way Back

Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips:
How about the cameras just don’t do a close up on his teeth again please.  It scared the children at the Golden Globes.  He won the BAFTA and I think we can just attest that to the bad teeth thing.  Not a chance. 

Bradley Cooper for American Hustle:
Really should go to Bradley Cooper’s perm in American Hustle. It was the pièce de résistance of the entire movie.  (But that’s for costume design). All kidding aside, great acting.  He will win one day but not March 2. It took Leo years.  Just give it time blue eyes. 

Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Movie (I mean slave)
I can’t say that his role was the one I remember the most in this movie.  We were supposed to hate him and we did.  But luckily for him we hated Brad Pitt even more.  Not to go off Michael here but every actor in this movie made you feel like you were watching real life.  Pitt comes on and all you can think is “seriously Brad, shut up.”  Won’t win.

Jonah Hill for the Wolf of Wall Street:
I can’t stand him.  He annoys me in real life and in movies. He has gotten two Oscar nominations in his life and I’ve gotten none.  Tell me how that is fair.  Saying ALL that, I loved him in this movie.  I don’t know what to say besides that.  Plus he is good friends with Leo.  I guess I need to deal. 

Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club:
Forget the fact that he is absolutely gorgeous. He just seems like such a cool dude.  He should win.  Not because of his transformation to a woman. He should win for the one scene where he transforms into a man.  He will win.  Hands down.  Now let’s just hope he wears his hair down.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Lupita Nyong’o
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Jennifer Lawrence
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Laura Linney for “I hid my pregnancy at the age of 49” and “The Voice of Downton Abbey”

Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine:
She was good.  Nothing to really write home about.  Think they just needed to get their token Brits in each category. 

Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle:
Can a 23 year old be nominated three times and then win two Oscars in a row???!!  Why yes she can.  But, I don’t think she will with Lupita in the same category. You know…politics and shit.  It’s been a back and forth battle with these two all season but I think Lupita will come out on top (in acting and best dressed).

Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Movie (I mean Slave)
I’m torn here.  This movie has to win something right? Well this is it’s best chance.  It’s that damn soap scene.  That’s what is going to do it for her. 

Julia Roberts for August: Osage County
I don’t really have much to say here because I didn’t see the movie.  My guess is she needs the publicity of an Oscar nomination because she is now voicing the Nationwide Insurance commercials.

June Squibb for Nebraska:
AKA:  “The woman nobody has ever heard of but she is in her 80s so we need to nominate her”. Line her up with others who have been awarded the same recognition in this category:  Gloria Stuart, Ruby Dee, Emmanelle Riva. 

I heard she was the best part of the movie though. 

Best Picture of the Year:
Who will win:  American Hustle
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  American Hustle
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  The Way Way Back

American Hustle:
I knew this would win from the moment I saw the preview.  It has everything it takes:  writing, acting, costumes, cinematography, top billed cast, sweet music, dancing, and it’s in filmed in Boston and NOT directed by Ben Affleck.  It’s perfect. 

Captain Phillips:
So I read that the “real” captain Phillips was kind of a jerk.  So that’s basically all I can think of when I watch this.  Not sure why this was nominated.  It wasn’t even that good. 

Dallas Buyers Club:
I’m torn.  This was a great film but Jennifer Gardner was in it and movies with Jennifer Gardner will never win an Oscar.  Unless hubby Ben directs it and Damon stars in it.  

We have gravity to thank for many things.  Keeping food on our plates, bringing us down when we jump up, forcing us to spend $85 on supportive bras, and recently to watch Sandra Bullock really shine.  This will win pretty much every special effect nomination and also for directing but I will be very surprised if it wins best picture. I wouldn’t be upset if it did though.

Fantastic movie.  I have been saying for years that technology; especially Facebook is going to be the death of humanity, as we know it.  I mean, come on this year alone I had to basically not read any posts until I saw the ending of Breaking Bad! End. Of. Humanity.  This movie will win best screenplay and I’m good with that.  “Isn’t that right Siri?”….”I am sorry.  I am very offended by this comment and will no longer tell you where the closest Five Guys Burgers is”. 

I haven’t seen this.  I think if there is literally nothing left on TV and I’ve seen everything On Demand that I possible want to spend money on, I would perhaps play with the idea of renting this.  I would probably just fast forward to the parts with June Squibb though because “I heard she was good.”

Sweet movie which made me teary.  I loved Dame Judi Dench and the fact that it is a true story.  It won’t win though. But don’t be surprised if 18 year olds who have children start naming their kids Philomena because they heard it on TV and thought it was a new trendy Italian pastry.

12 Years a movie (I mean Slave)
Oh stop being so politically correct.  Not every WWII Holocaust movie wins for best Oscar and neither should this.  It was a good movie.  And some of the parts were extremely hard to watch. But just so you don’t think of me as a nasty person, I think everyone should see this film at some point just to be reminded of our history….then of course go on Facebook and talk about it so you look like an important person.  End. Of. Humanity.

The Wolf of Wall Street
Like I said, three hours of drugs, sex, drinking, swearing and Leo.  Do I need to say more?  No.  But it won’t win.  If it wins, then I think someone gave the members of the Academy too many Quaaludes.

Others For Fun:
Adapted Screenplay:  12 years a movie (I mean slave)
Original Screenplay:  Her
Best Costume:  Great Gatsby
Best Director:  Alfonso Cuardon
Anything to do with sound and effects:  Gravity
Makeup:  If Bad Grandpa wins I don't won't even know what to do with myself.  
Song:  As much as I want Frozen to win and see Idina walk on stage, I have a strange feeling it's going to go to U2.  

And there you have it.  Good luck to all and enjoy the Oscars and your bowl of delicious placenta berries and wash it down it with a beer and fistful of quaaludes!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Ten things you won't say out loud but I will

It's been awhile since I've posted here and it's time to get back into it. I figured I would start with some basic facts of life and then together we can go from there. Here you will find ten things that I sometimes say out loud but definitely say to myself daily.

 1. I keep my eyes open during yoga oms and I really can't be bothered with them anyway because I just spent 90 minutes sweating my ass off and all I want to do is drink water and leave.

 2. Nickelback aren't as bad as everyone says. You only say they are because everyone else does.

 3. It's cute when you post pictures of your babies on Facebook but when they reach let's say seven or eight years old, we just don't care anymore. Come back when you have something interesting to talk about. 

4. How the hell do birds get out of the way so fast when you are about to run over them?

 5. At least five times a day I think that life would just be exactly the same without me and what's the point really?

 6. I kind of just judged you because of your race for a second.

 7. I have no desire to go to India.

 8. I seriously can't remember the names of everyone I've dated.

 9. Do I really have to say how happy I am for you?

 10. Why does every person seem to know which lane to get into to go the fastest? I never get it right. What am I missing? And if everyone is doing it, then shouldn't my lane be the fastest? I don't understand the logistics of this. I can't seem to visualize this. I am so bad at science. Is this even science?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Are pretty people happy or are happy people pretty?

This is a question I ask myself often.  It's usually during a time when I am down on myself for something and I decide that this would be the best and most appropriate occasion to compare myself to others.

I am not talking about celebrities here.  Of course they are pretty and of course they are happy.  And don't tell me that they all have their own problems too because I obviously know that but at the same time, they can afford to go to a 8 day, 7 night hydro-colon cleanse spa in Palm Springs and I can't.  So they don't count.

I'm talking about the people I know that just seem to have it all together and at the same time, just look good.  I have three people that I am thinking of right now in mind.  These three people come from different backgrounds and have different situations (although two of them have the same job).  These three people are just beautiful in my mind.  They have great skin, great hair, great eyes, great bodies and more than anything, they just seem happy.  And I've met these people in person.  Honestly, they are happy.  Like, seriously, happy.  (Sidenote:  I often like to go on these three people's Facebook page when I'm down as well and each time I do I tell myself "I'm deleting my page!" but then they post one thing that happened that kind of sucks and then I can feel better again.).

So my question is:  Are these three people happy and healthy because they are pretty and always look good or do these people look so pretty and healthy because they are happy?

I think I am attractive but I am by NO MEANS together in any sense of the word.  I drop food on my chest daily, my hair is often a mess, my glasses are smudged with grease (and for some reason I can never take the time to clean them) and I always just have this overwhelming feeling that something about myself is amiss.

That being said, when things are going well and something happens that makes me feel good about myself, I feel prettier and I think I show the world that.  When I am feeling down, I think I look less pretty and just assume everyone else does too.  But, when I take a picture and I know I look good, then that also makes me happy so in turn I feel better and want to do things that make me happy.

So if I just changed my thought process and worked to look good all the time with my eating and yoga and hair products and eye liner and clothes, would that in turn, make me happier?  Or could I just do those things anyway, be happy and then in turn be pretty?

It's so confusing.  I'm going to go eat a Lindt truffle, drop some of the chocolate inside on my white sweater and get back to you on this.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Oscar and the Grouch Part? Maybe 8 or 9?

Oscar and the Grouch Part? Maybe 8 or 9?

What a great year for film; that is if you enjoy sickness, depression, war, murder, terrorism and all kinds of water disasters. Although I am not counting Russell Crowe as Inspector Javert jumping to his death in the River Seine a disaster so to speak. There are some sure things this year but I also think this could be a real year for upsets and I am not talking about Ben Affleck not getting nominated for Argo because everyone else is so I don’t need to.

So here you go. Laura’s 2012 Oscar predictions.

Best Award Night Dancing: Seth McFarland or Neil Patrick Harris. I don’t know if NPH is going to show up but he probably will and if he does, than obviously he will sing and dance.

Best Award Night Singing: Barbara Streisand. Like that is even a question. Sorry Adele. You will win for Skyfall so you will get your chance to be on stage. Maybe you will also stop being mum on the name of your baby. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Just tell us.

Best Dressed: Still believe that Naomi Watts will play it really beautiful and simple.

Who will shake the most showing her manicure in E!’s Mani-cam: Jennifer Lawerence.

Best Movie of the Year:

There are nine in this category. Let me start with what should and will win then go from there.

Will win: Argo
Should win: Argo
Runner up for who will win: Lincoln and Silver Linings Playbook
Runner up for who should win: Django Unchained or Silver Linings Playbook

Amour: I don’t know what to say about this. The acting was stupendous by both main actors. It was only filmed in a couple of rooms but I still loved the camera angles. The writing was genuine and raw and even with it being so unbelievably slow and at times, painful not to put your head on your neighbors shoulder for a nap, there were still surprises throughout and questions at the end. It will win for best foreign film so it won’t win in this category.

Argo: Besides nominations for Alan Arkin, best screenplay and editing, which it will not win, it is the front runner in my mind and in many critics’ minds to win best picture of the year and it should be. Filled with suspense, comedy and real-life situations, it definitely had me on the edge of my seat. I know that in real life, things were a bit different and the airport scene didn’t happen like that at all but that doesn’t matter. It kind of happened and that is enough for me. And I always know a movie is good when I need to spend the next day googling everything about it. Will win.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Let me guess. You have never heard of this movie and you haven’t seen it right? Well I have and it was a great movie filled with “nobody’ actors in Louisiana. It beautifully portrayed the love of a group of people trying to live their life on their own terms in basically the swamps of Louisiana. The movie was great because of the little actress I will call “Q”. This won’t win.

Django Unchained: I loved this movie which is not what I thought would happen. I feel like I have been annoyed with Quentin Tarantino ever since my time at Syracuse when I had to write a paper about Pulp Fiction and I got a D because I suppose I wasn’t artsy enough at the time to understand the “essence” of the film in the eyes of a want- to-be director-turned professor. That being said, this film made me laugh, made me cringe and I really enjoyed all 3 hours of it. Won’t win but I am routing for it for best original screenplay.

Les Miserables: Le Sigh. I definitely think this deserves to be in this category and I sigh only because it doesn’t stand a chance to win against a movie like Argo and Lincoln. Only 9 musicals have won in the 85 years of Oscar history and it looks like this won’t be number 10. I blame Russell Crowe. When in doubt, always blame Russell Crowe. Although Meg Ryan did that very thing and look where that got her.

Life of Pi: I think the special effects and the cinematography were amazing even though I don’t think it needed to be in 3D. Any movie that has a tiger in a starring role is good enough for me. See the movie but definitely also read the book. Will win for visual effects and most likely cinematography if Lincoln doesn’t.

Lincoln: Who doesn’t like Abraham Lincoln besides the south? Even though I fell asleep for about ten minutes at the beginning and I was a bit confused as to what exactly was going on through most of it, I do think it is an amazing film achievement. I also think it’s important to remind us all that if we didn’t have Abraham Lincoln, I do know that the country’s bird would have been changed to a duck and the new capital of the country would have been the entire state of Texas.

Silver Linings Playbook: This is by far, the best movie depiction of mental illness that I have ever seen. I should know. I plan a film festival on films about psychiatric disabilities for god’s sake. Bradley Cooper delivered such a real and raw performance about a man with bipolar. He showed us all how people with it are creative and idealistic and how much a person can suffer to just fit in the world. This film also showed how important it is to find that certain someone who can love you not in spite of it but because of who you are. And that is, in my opinion, the only reason Jennifer Lawrence and Jacki Weaver are nominated. This movie might pull the upset for best picture.

Zero Dark Thirty: Why was this movie made? If you want to see one of the best tellings of this story, you need to watch the episode of the not so well known HBO TV series, The Newsroom. I didn’t see this movie and I most likely won’t.

Movie that got screwed: I can’t really think of a movie I saw that wasn’t rightfully nominated so I’ll say Les Mis again.

Worst movie of the year: The Grey. It technically was 2011 but it deserves to be mentioned here. Magic mike comes in at a close second.

Actor in a Leading Role:

Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook: This one I get. His performance was perfect and I hope that people seeing someone as hot as Cooper playing someone with mental illness will realize that you don’t have to walk around talking to yourself and drool to be considered mentally ill. I mean come on, really we are all a little mental. He won’t win but I think we will see him win in the future.

Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln: It will be hard to find anyone else in this category fill his size 15 shoes for his portrayal of the 16th President of the United States. The makeup and costumes were also perfect and you really do have to take a double-take when you look at the poster because if I didn’t know any better I would think it was really him. He really does deserve this award and he will win it.

Hugh Jackman for Les Miserables: I think if it wasn’t for Daniel Day-Lewis he would win for this. He was brilliant in this role. I knew that Jackman could sing but I have never seen him play such a powerful character. And the singing was live. I can’t stress this enough. He won’t win.

Joaquin Phoenix for The Master: This was such an incredibly bad movie even though the acting was great. I am a huge Phoenix fan and I truly believe he is one of the greatest actors of my generation. I think one day we will actually see him in a role where he doesn’t play an alcoholic or a drug addict and I am looking forward to that.

Denzel Washington for Flight: Great movie and great acting. He deserves to be in this category but he won’t win. Although the end of the movie when he is in court and admits to drinking because he is an alcoholic made my jaw drop and the runts in it to fall on the floor.

Most Screwed: John Hawkes for The Sessions and Jean-Louis Trintignant for Amour.

Who will win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Who should win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Actress in a Leading Role:

Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty: If you can win an Oscar for looking incredibly hot in Ray-Ban Aviators, Chastain should definitely win in this category. Heck, I should even win in this category. Like I said before, I haven’t seen this movie and I probably won’t until it comes out on DVD and I can’t find anything else to watch and I am really bored and that is the only movie left in the Redbox at Shaws. That being said, I really do love Jessica Chastain for no other reason that what she did in the movie “The Help”, which she should have won supporting actress and didn’t. Will she win? This is a tough one. I am going to say yes.

Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Lining Playbook: Am I missing something here? I mean she was great and the movie was great but I can’t really remember leaving the theater and saying “Wow, she deserves an Oscar for that role”. It was funny and heartwarming and not everyone can pull off white leggings, but Oscar worthy it was not. I can actually see her winning more for the Hunger Games than for this. She is the front runner in most reviewers list. And she is definitely the front runner for me for the future.

Emmanuelle Riva for Amour: This. Was. The. Most. Depressing. Movie. I. Have. Ever. Seen. That being sad, she did a fantastic job in this role. It was heartbreaking and for anyone who has ever watched a loved one suffer from dementia or Alzheimer’s (which thank god I have not), I can only imagine this is what it would be like. Will she win? No. But she is definitely in my top 3.

Quvenzhane Wallis for Beasts of the Southern Wild: You have never heard of her but hopefully you will in the future. She was delightful in this movie. The scene where she is helping her father as he is dying and the love she has for him even with his abuse was heartbreaking. She is the youngest ever nominated and that is an achievement all on its own. I am also just really looking forward to last year’s winner for Best Actor Jean Dujardin try to pronounce her name.

Naomi Watts in The Impossible: I sadly have not yet seen this movie but I am betting that when I do, I will say that she should win. I can’t really speak any more about it but I hope she pulls the upset. I don’t think she will though.

Most screwed: Only because reviewers are also saying this but I haven’t seen it yet is Marion Cotillard for Rust and Bone.

Who will win: Jessica Chastain
Who should win: Naomi Watts

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Alan Arkin for Argo: I remember saying after Argo that he would win an Oscar for this role. It reminded me so much of what he did in Little Miss Sunshine for which he won an Oscar. He was hilarious in delivering his lines and was such a hero of the movie. He won’t win.

Robert DeNiro for Silver Linings Playbook: I can definitely see him winning this year, if not just because the movie has all four leading characters nominated and somebody has to win. I wouldn’t be upset. For anyone who has OCD, or even just a little bit of OCD (and let’s face it who doesn’t), you can definitely understand his character. It makes you uncomfortable and upset. It seems like he worries so much more about keeping things in order than he does for his family but that is not true at all. I say he is runner-up.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Again, just like with Joaquin, this was an awful movie. However, he was fantastic in his role (as usual). He did his fair share of sweating and mumbling like he does in every movie he is in but he commanded the screen and just completely pissed us all off. All of us besides the thousands of people in middle America who actually believe this religious shit. And John Travolta.

Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln: Hmmmmm. He really was great in this role and he is the front-runner. So is his wig. I say he shouldn’t win only because he ALWAYS has a scowl on his face no matter what role he plays. Think about it; The Fugitive all the way to Hope Springs. I can honestly say that I still have no idea what he said in Lincoln and I couldn’t tell if he was a “good” guy or “bad” guy for the entire movie until the end when I realized he was on “our” side or should I say “the side where people don’t believe in hanging trees.” He might win but I am still going with Waltz.

Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained: I love him in this movie. He won for Inglorious Bastards as such, well I am going to say it, a bastard. I really want him to win for this again. He played the good guy. I was cracking up at every one of his scenes and I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say next. I think he will win. I hope so.

Most Screwed: I’ll say Leonardo DiCaprio just because I love him so much. However, I will say that an award should go out to John Goodman for being the most over-used side-kick in movies this year. Let’s count them, Trouble with the Curb, Argo, Flight and even The Artist last year. Also, the soon to be Hangover 3. Yes, you heard me right. I don’t drink. This might lead me to it.

Who will win: Christoph Waltz
Who should win: Christoph Waltz or Alan Arkin

Best Supporting Actress AKA this year as Best Naked or Semi Naked Woman in a Supporting Role:

Amy Adams for the Master: Her again???? I understand Joaquin and Hoffman, but not so much her. I am getting sick of her. I’d like to see her in some sort of action movie.

Naked Scene: Naked pregnant and singing.

Sally Field for Lincoln: Don’t get it. If we are talking about roles of woman suffering from PTSD and depression, then Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway and Naomi Watts I get. But, Sally Field not so much. Don’t get me wrong, she was fine and played the role to the best that was written for her.

Naked Scene: She wasn’t. Thank god.

Anne Hathaway for Les Miserables: Yes, she will win. Yes, she deserves to win. I’ve seen the movie twice and this is still my favorite scene both times. And when she reappeared at the end, I lost it and could not hold in the tears anymore. For those of you who are going to say “but she was only in the movie for 28 minutes” let us not forget the year Judi Dench (see below) won for only being in the movie for 8 minutes. And let’s all agree that who doesn’t sing “I’ve Dreamed a Dream” every now and again especially when I work in particular the line “I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living.” Hathaway sang this song live in one take. Done. She should win. Jennifer Hudson won for her one song. Please though, I hope after she wins, she doesn’t sell herself and go make money in Weight Watchers commercials.

Naked Scene: not exactly naked but in the rape scene her emotions were raw and naked so that counts.

Helen Hunt for The Sessions: Love her and love her in this. I definitely chose her as my second pick for winning. The scene in the car when you finally realize how important her relationship was with Mark and she had to say goodbye with tears was fantastic. If it wasn’t for Hathaway, she could have won.

Naked Scene: Basically the whole movie and good for her.

Jacki Weaver for Silver Linings Playbook: I can imagine that living with a father and a son with mental illness you would have to be a little screwy yourself to deal with it and she was definitely that in this movie. She seemed kind of quiet and reserved but when it was necessary really spoke up to herself with her husband. Yeah, she was good. No she shouldn’t win.

Naked Scene: She wasn’t naked but was in pajamas in bed. Guess that counts.

Most Screwed: Cannot believe I am going to say this but Judi Dench in Skyfall. I know I give her a lot of crap for always being nominated and stuff but finally we got to see a more personal side to this woman. And we got to see her die.

Who will win: Anne Hathaway
Who should win: Anne Hathaway

And there you go. My predictions for Sunday February 24th on ABC! Enjoy the show everyone!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Am I the ONLY ONE?

Last night was an eye opener for me as I am only a few weeks away from turning 36 years old. I went to my second Melissa Ethridge concert in my life and I can only describe it (and I take these words from the friend who went with me) as "psychologically horrifying".  That being said, Melissa Ethridge still rocks, looks great in leather pants, can belt out a song like nobodies business and make any straight person consider for just a second turning to the dark side.

I am not sure if my friend and I were just feeling the same way or she could sense from my body language and facial expressions, but about an hour and a half into it, everything seemed to change for me.  My favorite quote from her was "I think I need to just focus on my career right now."  The thing is, I don't understand 80% of lesbians in just a general sense.  Last night, that number skyrocketed to about 98%. 

I consider myself an attractive woman (or chick, girl, lady, gal).  I think I have a good sense of style.  I like labels.  I can dress it up.  I can tone it down.  And regardless of what some people think of my sweatpants and crocks look when I am at the dog park or grocery store, I still look good.  I understand social behavior and cues.  I try as hard as I can not to take myself too seriously.  And in the most simplest of common modern day tasks (and by modern, I mean no longer cave men), I know that it's important to brush your teeth and wash and comb your hair. 

I think as a female, it's important to show yourself in the world as confident yet flawed.  As beautiful, yet at times in need of some weight loss.  What I don't understand is why 98% of the lesbians last night did not seem to understand this.  Therefore, I am putting up a few sets of rules that should be applied if you are thinking of becoming, or already are, a lesbian in the year 2012. These rules apply mainly to woman over the age of 45 I guess but even still.  I don't want to turn 36 and be almost 40 and think that I can just give up on beauty.

1.  While you may not want a subscription to Glamour Magazine, pick one up occasionally and check out some of the hairstyles that are happening right now.  These styles do not include Don Johnson's look from Miami Vice.  If you saw it in 1980-1999, just think about maybe taking a trip to the salon.  You can even go to Cost Cutters or Supercuts if you want.  I don't care. Just think about it.

2.  Ponder for a few about maybe buying one pair of designer jeans.  Honestly, that's all you need.  You can even get a pair for under $100 if you look hard enough. I know you may be disappointed at first if the jeans don't go over your belly button but trust me, you will come to like it. 

3.  Neon track jackets that snap are not okay.

4.  Get a bra that fits.  They don't have to hang down to your toes.  They really don't.  I know you probably hate your boobs (I get it) but if you can find a way to lift them just a bit, I promise you they will be a bit more tolerable.

5.  This is just an assumption of course, since 98% of the lesbians did have on their Lee jeans on but think about self some care down there.  I can only assume, you don't shave.  I am positive you don't wax.  I know you have had the same "lover" and "partner" for years but let's keep this world clean folks.  The Venus razor might come in a pretty little case but use it.  Hell if you want to buy a Bic $.50 razor, by all means cut yourself up just get rid of the hair.

I know you lesbians can do this!  You all have iphones. You were ALL updating your statuses and uploading pictures during the show. This is a modern invention. I know you have the ability. 

I am not sure if I was just in the wrong section of seats.  Maybe I was sitting in the "Melissa Ethridge 500 years of social intolerance therefore I am going to prove to the world that I can be a lesbian and totally let myself go fan club"?  Maybe the attractive, modern day lesbians were up in the balcony?  I don't know.  All I have to say is if I ever look I might be breaking any of these above rules, please oh please kidnap me and take me to a Rhianna concert immediately.

Friday, June 22, 2012

You know what makes me smile?

When I call CVS to get the pharmacy and when they are looking for your records the computerized noise comes on like, "do do dooo dooo doo doo do".  If you have ever filled a perscription over the phone you know what I am talking about. If you have never filled a perscription over the phone, chances are you need to be on meds for something and you probably should go see your doctor.