Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Thursday, December 30, 2010


Every year I come up with a list of resolutions I want to make for the New Year.  It's been a trying couple of months for me and I am so ready for the New Year. However, I haven't done my resolutions yet.  Tonight, the eve of the new year, I had a fun night. Perfect in my book. A movie, good food and some music and in bed reading by 10:30.  And I thought to myself while washing the eye liner off my face...

New Years resolutions should be sort of like getting your car inspected.  You should have 7 days after the first of the year to actually go in and get inspected.  So, technically, I have another week to inspect myself and decide what I want to do for my resolutions.  Tonight, I am just going to rest.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wonder in Winterland

It's that time of year again when people get all excited about the falling white snow and Christmas and winter.  The time of year that people see snow and think to themselves rational thoughts like, "i can't wait to build a snowman" or "nice, i get to take out my skiis".  Or even things like, "it is going to be so pretty! I can't wait for it to snow."  Basically, it's everyone's winter wonderland of fun and good times.

It's that time of year again for Laura to completely go off her rocker at the thought of snow.  The time of year when I think to myself, "why do i live here?"  "how am I ever going to get through another winter worrying about the snow"  "it is going to be so hard for me to mentally handle this again this year."

People who don't suffer the way I do won't ever really understand what I go through in my brain.  And I hide it from basically everyone anyway so nobody can ever truly understand how I basically put myself in a paralyzed state of fear of the very thought of snow.  It's not normal or at all rational and I totally know this but I can't help it.  The idea of driving in the snow (even in my new SUV) scares me.  It scares me so much I could just cry. It's not something I can laugh at. It actually affects every aspect of my life.  I can't drive to work. I get migraines.  I can't drive to see friends.  I can't plan anything because what if it snows???!  I see a flake and my brain goes into overdrive and all I see is car crashes and people I love dying and me losing control of the wheel. 

So now, this December I have to wonder.  Why do I live in this winterland?  And how can I get through this year with a little less fear. 

Anxiety pills!!!!!  So here's to you Lexapro. Start working your magic on my nutzo seratonin brain.  Because I have things to do and places to go and yes...even snow to drive in.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


What is with all the television commericals with people dressed up like food!? Really?  It started years ago with Fruit of the Loom underwear and the guys dressed up like fruit.  Now, I suppose years ago that was creative and it was before the whole "it's cool to be gay" stuff came out in movies and tv and commericals.  But they have just taken this to a whole new level of ridiculous.

Now, we have Jimmy Dean dressed like a sun, and thunder and lightning and a raindrop.  We have a child dressed up like Manwhich sandwich.  We have fathers and sons dressed up like Burker King whoppers.

Is it just me or do seeing all these people dressed up just make you NOT want to eat this food. 

Unless someone was dressed up like my mother's brisket, an alaskian king crab claw or plate of pad thai (three of my favorite foods), seriously, I don't want to see this anymore.

Monday, December 13, 2010

12 days til Xmas: Jewz-A-Clause Tip #3

When you buy a Yankee swap gift, get something nobody will want.  That way, when you get another gift, you can trade with the person and then that person thinks you are amazing and you look like a team player.  Then you can just return the gift the next day and no money has been spent. 

H stands for huh?

The Coen (not cohen) brothers are up to it again and this time wow what a surprise...right in time for award season.  Therefore, I need to ammend my earlier GG predictions and add freaking True Grit to the list of nominations.  I suppose best actor for Jeff Bridges and if Matt Damon gets one, that will be even more insane than is Inviction nom. It might even be up for best movie. 

I am not happy having to write this ammendment and I hope I am wrong.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Golden Globerger

The 2011 Golden Globe nominations come out on Tuesday, December 14.  I would like to quickly put down my predictions on the nominations to see how close I come this year. I am only going to do movies because TV is boring this year.  The big question is whether they will consider the Kids Are Alright a comedy or a drama.  I have think they will consider it a comedy for the Golden Globes so Natalie Portman wins under drama and Benning under comedy.  Now there are a few others in each category I think have a shot but these are the ones I am going to guess. 

Best Motion Picture-Drama
The King's Speech
The Social Network
The Town
Black Swan

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Natalie Portman - The Black Swan
Jennifer Lawerence - Winters Bone
Nicole Kidman - Rabbit Hole
Hilary Swank - Conviction

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama
Coliln Firth - The Kings Speech
James Franco - 127 Hours
Mark Walhberg - The Fighter
Jessie Eisenberg - The Social Network
Aaron Eckhart - Rabbit Hole

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical
Julia Roberts - Eat, Pray, Love
Sally Hawkins - Made in Dagenham
Annette Benning - The Kids Are Alright
Julianne Moore - The Kids Are Alright
Anne Hathaway - Love and Other Drugs

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical
John C Reilly - Cyrus
Jake Gyllenhaal, - Love and Other Drugs
Paul Rudd - How Do You Know
Kevin Spacey - Casino Jack
Johnny Depp - Alice in Wonderland

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Melissa Leo - The Fighter
Amy Adams - The Fighter
Dale Dickey - Winters Bone
Helena Bohnam Carter - The Kings Speech
Miranda Richardson -Made in Dagenham

Best Performance by and Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
John Hawkes - Winters Bone
Sam Rockwell - Conviction
Christian Bale - The Fighter
Andrew Garfield - The Social Network
Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical
Toy Story 3
Eat, Pray, Love
The Kids Are Alright
Love and Other Drugs
Made in Dagenham

Friday, December 3, 2010

24 Days Til Xmas: Tips from Jewz-A-Claus

Tip #2:  When mailing Christmas cards, you can save some money on stamps by just handing the cards to people who live near you rather than sending them in the mail.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

25 Days Til Xmas: Tips from Jewz-A-Claus

Tip #1:  When buying Christmas lights to hang on your windows, you could save a lot of money by just printing drawings of lights and tacking them in the wall.  That way, you don't have to worry about your electricity bill going up. 

Monday, November 22, 2010


So Pink is pregnant, which I guess means she won't be doing any dancing on the hanging linens for the next few months.  What I want to know is when the baby is born, will she say things to the kid like,
"what's the dealio?" and
"if you're too skool for cool."

or what happens if the baby pisses her off and won't sleep, will she write a blockbuster song about it called, "shut up"? 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

To School or Not To School

I have been thinking a lot recently about going back to school.  I think the ONLY thing stopping me at this point is not wanting to spend the money.  I wish one of my rich relatives who has a lot of money would say, "Laura, you are so smart...let me help you out."  It's nothing to them.  Like my father, if he could just give me a loaner from the trust fund I'm maybe going to receive when I'm 77 because he lives to be 109.  But I doubt I'll get that trust fund anymore because I've been such a "bad daughter" by making fun of his diseases and I'm pretty sure all my money is going towards his "just-in-case" radiation treatment or my stepmother's bipolar light mood stabilizer. 

But I digress.  I just don't know. I sit all day. Every day.  At work.  Bored. Bored. Bored.  And now I am 34 and I don't know how long I can keep doing this same thing over and over and over. So, school. That would keep me busy.  The problem is yesterday, I went from looking into getting my MBA, to being a pastry chef to being a laser technician to being a teacher.  So, my focus is a little off.  But, school would keep me interested right now.  A hell of a lot more interested than the daily drudgery of coming into a boring job everyday and getting excited when it's time to go to Shaws to make my salad and decide which flavor Kettle potato chips I wanted to eat that day. 

So, I decided to study for my GMAT.  I figured that would give me a focus at least and somthing to try for.  I am so bad at taking tests like that and my scores are always so low but I figure I could at least try.  But the problem is the test itself is $250. So, I am going to start by getting a couple of books and seeing if I can focus on practicing for the test.

I'm sure I could always ask my father for math advice while he lays in his hospital bed too.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Yellow ribbons and onions

Thursday is Veteran's Day.  And while I don't know many veterans (ok...I only know maybe one or two), I do know how important this day is to all veterans and families and friends.  And after watching TV last night, I now know how important this day is to advertisers and local restaurants. 

If you are a veteran and you go to Outback Steakhouse on Thursday, you get a FREE bloomin onion. How awesome is that veterans?  You put your life on the line everyday and you get an onion.  Damn, you are lucky. 

Also, if you are a veteran, and you want to go to The Golden Corral buffet restaurant, you get a FREE meal. That's right.  Strap on those prosthetic legs and let go of your PTSD for a day, and get yourself a plate filled wtih corn, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and spagetti (that is at least what I get at buffets).  Even Gary Sinese is doing it.  And I'm pretty sure he only played a veteran in a movie. 

I'm not making light of veterans and the struggles they face when they return home. I'm just saying, you might want to skip your parades and get some free food. Something to think about. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I have decided that this year I am going to record Oprah every day because this is her last year on the air and I figure the stories are going to be really good.  Last week I was watching an episode with Pam Smart and with every commercial Oprah kept telling us about this family that was the bravest family she has ever met (AND they were WHITE!) and how they had a miracle we just had to stay tuned for.  So I waited and waited all weekend to watch it and last night I watched it.  It was about a family who lost all three children in a car accident. I waited 30 minutes for the miracle, which I guessed because lets be honest, anyone could have guessed the miracle.  They had triplets a year after the accident.  What got my blood pumping though was not Oprah shedding tears, or her bringing it back to herself and how this story eventually was really just about her.  What got my blood pumping was at the end we find out that the family had over $291,000 in legal fees and Oprah shakes their hands and says, "Thank you for sharing your story."  AND DOESN'T GIVE THEM ANY MONEY!  In what planet does this make sense?  Pay their billls Oprah. For the love of God.  One of your shoes and one of your diamond earrings would have covered this! 


So it's been awhile since I've blogged.  I've also been annoyed and stressed and my back has shooting pains running through it down my leg and I just spend $300 for a chiro to take xrays and tell me that I've been misaligned for over 25 years.  I can't even begin to explain the irony of that one.  Then he did a quick pop and that cost $25 and I still have shooting pains down my spine.  I could have had 4 massages at this point for what I just spent for that!  Now I have to go back two more times this week and if my back doesn't feel better by Friday, I'm going to lose it. How many times am I supposed to pay $25 for him to pop me for two seconds?  I could have had MASSAGES.  I get so bent out of shape when I am stressed...literally!  I'm bent out of shape. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

What size is your pretzel?

Saturday I decided that I needed to get my culture-on. It was a beautiful Saturday and it was open studio time in the South End.  I would like to fancy myself a cultured art person. I am a very creative person and I always have thousands of ideas streaming around my head of things I can do creatively.  So going to open studios always fuels this.  Ok, you caught me...I've only gone to open studios once in my life before.  But, I feel like open studios would fuel that.

So a friend and I decided to take the day to venture to open studios. It started with a beautiful sign outside that said "free parking".  You can't get much more artistic in the South End of Boston in my book than that.

When you walk into people's lofts and see their idea of art, it can always be a little challenging for someone as sarcastic as myself.  Especially someone who doesn't understand how a white canvas with a piece of hair on it at the MOMA can be considered contemporary art.  If that was contemporary art, you could call my purse art with the stuff you find in that on a daily basis.

At first, I went in thinking I would stand and look at people's work all serious..with my hand on my chin.  I would be quiet.  That lasted about 15 seconds until I realized that these artists were not only selling art; but they were giving away free food.  And it was like each artist was not only competing on their work and selling their work.  Yeah, yeah....any artist would tell you they are not competing. They are doing "their own thing"...WRONG.  You are always competing.  And how do I know this?  Because of the food.

All artists thought they needed to give out pretzels.  All. Of. Them.  Some had little pretzels. Some had full on pretzel sticks.  That is like the rich houses you go to on Halloween who give out full Snicker bars.  I totally bought a pair of earrings from the guys who also gave out the full pretzel sticks and starbursts.  All of them had hummus and spritzer water too.

We finally left after a couple of hours of art peeping, about 20 different postcards from artists that were also free, which I can in turn frame for free art and a stomach full of pretzels and I turned to my friend and said, "wow...there are a lot of white people here."

Honestly, I have to ask myself how some of these people afford to work in these studios. My guess.  Trust funds.  Not that these people aren't creative or that they don't derserve everything they have.  But honeslty, let's not kid ourselves thinking that cutting pictures from magazines and making framed pictures allows you to afford a loft like this.  If that is the case, I am doing something really really really wrong.  I thought it would have been funny to bring a fan into that studio. 

That is what I learned at open studios. That white people like art, pretzels, bubble water and overpriced canvases that make their exposed brick apartments more appealing.

Monday, August 23, 2010

3.5 years?

What does it mean when I walk into my bathroom and there is a broken mirror on my rug that I didn't actual drop?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

If you can dream, you can pee.

I have had the same dream for awhile now. It's hard to know exactly how long this has been going on. It seems for the past month, I seem to have this dream a lot. Basically, no matter what the dream is about I always end up running to my bed to pee. In the dream I know that I should just go to the toilet but instead I have to pee in my bed.

I've looked up some analysis on least the urination part and I like what I see.

"To urinate, as well as to defecate, in a dream is usually related to removing all that is wrong, unnecessary, excessive or not wanted in your waking life. All negative external or internal factors which keep you from achieving an emotional balance must be eliminated from your life - just like urine, which is naturally removed in order to cleanse, purify and detoxify your body.

Dreams of urination may also stand for changes, usually for the better, to follow in one's waking life. They may also illustrate one's determination to let go of a painful past and adopt a new lifestyle, changing one's old habits and way of thinking. Consequently, urination dreams may be a symbol for re-birth and revival. "

So basically I am letting go of all the negative in my life and jumping in my bed to do this. Let's not even go there right now why I am symbolically doing this in my bed.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

This is why I will forever be single I think...this is an actual profile on okcupid.

i am a [[transgender]] bibliophiliac [[lesbian]]. (as a [[transdyke]], i am uninterested in dating men, so stop right here, loverboy.)
i am shy but enthusiastic, [[linguist]]ically-oriented, [[feminist]], [[imaginative]] and an exceedingly well traveled homebody. i have a sense of humour inherited from my [[irish-american]] father's side of the family: coarse, strong, but loving. i'm not afraid of showing affection and i stand up for my friends and family something fierce.

these profiles are so undemonstrative of our true personalities. maybe if you think i'm interesting, we should just talk. i don't know what to say on these things; it's hard to find the right words.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL A TRANSGENDER BIBLIOPHILIAC LESBIAN TRANSDYKE IS!? I seriously don't even know if this is a woman or a man. I think a woman but am I wrong?  If I can't figure out what is under the sheets so to speak before I even read the profile, I'm pretty sure I should just move on to the next.

And what's up with everyone on okcupid being "bi".  Can't a woman just commit to being gay.  Just say you are gay. If you want to fuck a guy later that's fine, just commit when making a profile. 

Stop me in my tracks

Occasionally I will hear a song and it will just stop me in my tracks on what I am thinking about..and most likely overthinking about and just make me really happy and really hopeful.  Matt Nathanson's song "Come on Get Higher" does just that.  My opinions about dating have again taken a different turn the last couple of weeks and I am feeling more and more calm about things just naturally falling into place one day.  With each day and each date or girl, I am learning more and more what makes me tick, and what makes me tock.  (And I don't necesarrily love the tocking.)  My recovery period has been off the charts and I'm pretty stoked about that. 

However, I do sometimes get emotional and sensitive and romantic and this song describes how I felt today in the car.  There is one line in this song that pretty much sums up what I want someone to feel about me.  I'll let you figure out which line it is. 

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water, If I could tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

Monday, July 26, 2010

The top ten things I learned on the 3 day this time...oh crap.

1.  When you take immodium on Saturday morning, it will be very hard to move by Sunday night.
2.  When you eat filet on Friday night and then take immodium on Saturday that makes it even harder to move on Sunday.
3.  Sunchips must have a lot of fiber.  Even the non assorted kinds.
4.  Mind over matter....especially the shitty kind.
5.  It's best to wear shorts with velcro on Sunday when you decide to will yourself not to shit until Sunday night.
6.  When you decide that willing yourself not to shit is a good idea, understand that you will look pregnant in most of your photos on Sunday.
7.  If you look pregnant in most of your photos on sunday, it's totally okay to load up on more salty snacks.
8.  Don't be jealous when your friends shit in the portie and you refuse to.
9.  When all else fails, dance.
10.  If you ever want to feel skinny; take immodium for two days, eat a lot of salt, get home and then wake up the next morning looking really tiny.

I bet you were expecting some deep emotions about the 3 day.  If you know me,  you know this cause and this event is near and dear to my heart.  Now you know what it does to my colon.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


So I'm reading the Improper Bostonian Best of and I quickly glanced at the gay section.  And they quickly talked about dyke night at Bella Luna, it made me think...

Going out as a lesbian in Boston is kind of like parking in Somerville. Confusing.  You know the signs I'm talking about...where you can only park every other Wednesday on the right hand side between 8-10 from April-May and then every Thursday on the left from 6-9 from November-June except if it falls on the third Wednesday then you can only park on Fridays.

Huh!?  Why can't I just go out. And be gay. And just go out to eat. And go dancing.  Why does it have to be this complicated???

Grape (fruit) disaster of 2010

I posted something a few months ago about how happy I was that I finally figured out how to cut a grapefruit in half but I needed a grapefruit spoon to eat it.  Well, I have backtracked....I still obviously can't figure out how to cut it..I don't have a spoon to eat it with and the plastic ones at work just don't "cut" it.  This was a disaster.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I should just date myself

I am always putting myself out on a limb with people. I embarass myself a lot.  I try my hardest to make new friends and meet new people; and hope that eventually one of those new people could eventually turn into someone I date; or even *gasp* a healthy relationship. 

The problem is I am starting to think that people are really not seeing how terrific I am; seeing myself the way I see myself.  And isn't that what we learn about all the time on Oprah or Dr. Oz or self-help books or therapy or Seasame Street or whatever???  That we should love ourselves and then someone can then in turn love us.

But what happens when we do love ourselves and we do see ourselves as great people who deserve greatness is return but others can't? Or won't? Or just don't even really put any thought into it at all? Then what?  Where does that leave us?

I'll tell you where that leaves me.  I'm going to just start asking myself out on email and text messaging.  And then when I receive that email and text message, I'm going to respond to it.  If I am busy at the moment, I'll say something like, "hey laura! i'm swamped right now..I'll text you later." If I just don't think I am someone I want to talk to anymore I'll text back quickly, "hey, i just don't think the time is good to talk to you. But good luck to you."  Or if I am interested in going out with myself I'll say, "hey laura, i'm psyched you wrote.  it made me smile. can't wait to hang." 

But I most definitley will not ignore myself if I text or email myself.  This much.  This much I know.  I guess it comes from the place where if I want to talk to someone, I will communicate with them.  If I want something, I will go for it. But I've also learned that if I don't want something, it makes it so much easier to just say I don't want that out loud too. 

Dating wouldn't disappoint or be as hard if people could just be as open as me.  Therefore, I should just date myself. Because I definitley want to date a girl with a belt buckle like this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

If I could draw my perfect woman

This would be it.

Drew Barymore is the perfect woman. 


I had a dream last night and I always like to analyze my own dreams.  I was in a hair I had never been in before.  I had a hairdresser I've never seen before cutting my hair except my hair was darker and longer.  She gave me a very boring cut.  I looked like one of those afghan dogs.  Then my actual hairdresser came up to me and said, "Laura, what happened to your hair?  You need to get the color back in and fix that!" and then I found out it was going to cost me another $110 to do that.  But then she started to cut my hair for me and she kept hugging me and when she was done, my hair looked great again.

Then I woke up.

So, I will now analyze this dream.

I went to bed last night thinking that I didn't like the way my hair looks in a hat or in a bandana anymore right now because it is too short (although I love my hair).  I was worried that the color change wasn't bold enough.  Then I probably started thinking about one my exes who once told me that if I was a dog, I'd be an afghan.  WTF?  I remember that converstation

Me:  "If I was a dog, what kind do you think I'd be?"
Her:  "An afghan."
Me:  "Those are the dumbest dogs in the world!  That's just great."
Her:  "hahahaha"
 (sidenote...this is the same chick who called me scarface and told me that she didn't want to have children with me because they would turn out crazy.)

Anyway, then last night I was thinking that it has been so long since I've had any touch of any kind and all I want is someone to run their hands through my hair.  But I don't want to keep spending all this money to date if the girls aren't going to be into it with me and give back what I give in! 
I mean, I am all about passion and I WANT passion and I won't settle for anything less...but sometimes I'd even settle for just a quick hand in my hair or a rub of the shoulder.

Come on!!!  Then I woke up.  Now, I'm at work.

Monday, July 12, 2010


My favorite conversation that happened at Redbones this weekend:

Friend:  Are you a Scorpio Laura?
Me:  Yes.  How can you tell (as I sit quietly all night when I'm usually very talkative)
Friend:  For three reasons.  You are hard to pin down.  You are dramatic (slightly) and you are very sexy.
Me:  You mean pin down like tie down?  Because that is also very Scorpio.
Friend:  No, I mean pin down...figure you out.
Me:  Oh, yeah, that too.

Ahhh...that's what cyrstal clear means

The more time I spend with good people, the more I realize how much time I wasted with the not so good people.  And I think it is important sometimes to remember the not so good people to help me keep balanced.  It works the same with anything in life; if you eat a bad meal you can welcome the good ones so much more.  If you watch a bad Meg Ryan movie (which let's face it since Addicted to Love has been all of them), then you can appreciate When Harry Met Sally all that much more.

Today on the way to work, I started to think for a few minutes about one of my bad relationships; and not in a depressing way. I just thought about the person I was in that relationship; one year ago today. a week, one year ago today.  And I realized this morning that I am the same hopeful person I was in that not so good relationship; but now I am open and ready to let only a good girl in. 

I am a romantic.  This might surprise you but I am.  I am a believer in love and that I will find love one day.  That someone will allow me to do all the things I think about all the time and not be afraid of it....and even better provide it back to me without me asking; or even realizing it is happening. 

I digress for a few lines there because almost a week ago today I was in Iceland. And I remember making a wish in a wishing well.  Of course I can't tell you what the wish was. Above is a picture of this wishing well.  The water in Iceland was pure...cyrstal clear.  Perfect.  I snorkeled in it.  I remember throwing my Icelanic Kronur in the water and closing my eyes and making this wish and then watching the Kronur land on the bottom.  I remember the feeling of romance I had in my heart at the exact moment and the warmth I felt.  And I remember my girlfriend at the time having no clue what I wished for; not a clue.  And that is what is different from me and other girls.  I WANT my girlfriend to know what I wished for. I want her to feel it to.

So, my wish that I wished for for this July 17 hasn't officially come true; but I still feel it. I still remember it.  I still long for it and hope for it.  And I know with patience, maybe some luck and maybe just somebody seeing me for can still happen.  And I don't rush it.  I am not in NEED of a relationship now but I WANT one.  And for now, I continue to work on my relationship with anyone I meet and with myself.

Friday, July 9, 2010


I had the weirdest dream last night.  I can't remember every piece of it but it had a few different scenarios in it that I thought were interesting.

It started with me wanting tickets to the Oprah show.  I ended up in line and then I had to get to the front of the line and I was with my family.  But we were late so we weren't able to get the front of the line. Then my mom decided to have lunch but I really wanted to go so I ended up in the woods.  I guess to get to the Oprah show we had to hike in the woods through all these windy roads.  Finally, I got to my hotel room and I couldn't move. I really wanted to go to the show but nobody else wanted to go with me.  I tried to put on my sneakers but I couldn't get them on. Then I got a text from my mom that said, "you can take care of it. I'm out of it."  Then, I remember feeling really frustrated and I got to the restaurant where my mom was eating and had a temper trantrum in front of her friends because I wanted to go to the show but my stepfather and sister were nowhere to be found and then I found out they went to the show because they didn't think I wanted to go!

I'm going to out on a limb and say this is a little like my life sometimes. I always want to do things...have a hard time always finding people to do them with....then find out they do them but don't think to ask me.  So, then I end up going out to eat. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I know today is slow

because my favorite conversation has been this

Boss:  Where are we eating lunch?
Me:  Don't yell at me but I think we should get snack wraps at McDonalds.
Boss:  Let me look up the sodium content.
Me:  (as I roll my eyes and dramatically go back to my office) Eat rice paper then!!!!!!!
Boss:  Fine I'll go but you might as well have a hamburger.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Real L Word

So my friend and I decided to bite the bullet so to speak and watch the Real L word on Showtime.  I don't really need to say too much more about that except, "Really?" and if you know me at all you can probably hear my voice when I say that.  That phrase is kind of my trademark.  That and "Seriously?"

So I won't discuss it too much except to bring forth a few phrases that I hope I never, ever, ever, ever have to hear when dating or have a girlfriend.  (These are in addition to the 10 phrases I hope I don't have to hear in 2010 which I wrote earlier this year.)

1.  Lust is easy.  Love is scary.   (blow me.  really???  both are easy. and scary.  but just do it.  enough with the drama.)

2.  I think I have finally become adjusted to your breast reduction.

3.  Babylove (written on a card).  No.  yes, i LOVE being called baby...but not babylove. 

I would also prefer to never have my girlfriend get drunk and tell me to move out and then make burnt pancakes for me on a piece of shit camping frying pan the next morning.  I would also prefer to not have my girlfriend take off her shirt outside at a bar and sit on another girl's lap because I was too busy to hang with her that night.  I would also prefer not to have an anorexic girlfriend. 

And as disgusting as Jill and Nikki are....I too would have put a video on the flip for my girlfriend and hope she would apprecite it.  Because that is the kind of stuff I do.  Does anyone else do that!!???? If you do, come and get me.  Just don't call me babylove. 

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tight Wad

I have never been considered a patient person.  Ever. I have a lot of amazing qualities. Patience has never been one of them. Whether that means standing in line, sitting in traffic, waiting for an answer, waiting for a relationship, patience to find my calling in life, anything....just don't have it.

However, the past few weeks I've noticed a significant change to this pattern.  I am a lot calmer.  Maybe it's the summer.  Maybe it's just me growing up.  Maybe it's just me giving less and less of a shit about the useless stuff.

However, today I think it has to do with the fact that my bra could not be any tighter and I just can't focus on anything else right now. I can't wait to go home and take it off and then put on a sports bra and pick up my bike from the shop and go for a ride. 

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Morning Jolts

The past two weeks I have been waking up at 4am every day.  I do not like this.  I am not sure exactly what is going on.  I am starting to think that maybe my body is telling me to become a morning person and get up and go for a jog at 4am.

If you believed that then you are crazy!  I don't jog.  I will never jog. I will never run.  No thank you.  I like my legs and knees.  I will walk for hours and hike and bike or do anything else besides run though.

So, if it isn't my body telling me to get up and jog, what is it?  Is it my mind telling me to get up and get going and enjoy the day!!  Again, I can do that at 7am or 8am I hope not.

I am going with the air conditioning theory...that my air conditioner is waking me up and telling me that my soft and warm comforter fell off the bed and I need to pick it up.  That's the theory I am going with.

It's 5:30 now...if I can get back to sleep in the next five minutes, I can still get two hours of sleep.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Things I learned at this year's "pride"

1.  Think before you go to Cottonwood.
2.  I would rather get wet than stand under an umbrella with my ex girlfriend and her crazy new girlfriend who acts like her mother.

3.  I have nothing to say to my ex girlfriend, which is sad.

4.  It's okay to run into ex girlfriends who are cool and actually talk to you.

5.  Don't think girls will change. They won't. That's why you left them.

6.  Don't ever go dancing at Machine ever again.  The girls don't know how to dance and they are disgusting.

7.  Always drive myself when I go out someplace.

8.  Tell girls who you have "hung" out with you and seen you around for about 2 years to fuck off when they hit on you and say "hey, my name is Jane." and I say, "yeah..I know. we have hung out for 2 years." and she says, "we have" and then you say, " anyway" and walk remember Laura Goldberg.  If you don' don't even deserve to look at me.

9.  People do not change.  I change.  For the better.  And I could not be happier about it.

Monday, June 14, 2010

So difficult

Do you ever wonder why commercials make simple mundane tasks seem so hopelessly difficult so you order or run to the grocery store to buy their product.  Those commericals always crack me up.  I remember one a few years ago for those non dairy creamer containers.  It showed a woman struggling to open a cardboard carton.  She just couldn't figure out how to press the lip together to open the carton.  You know...the same one we had to use as kids all the time to open our milk cartons at camp.  Yeah, the ones that take 5 seconds to open and occasionally 10 seconds if you had to peel back the paper a little with your hand.

Anyway, the commercial was for a non dairy creamer with a screw on cap.  And they moved the shot from the woman with messed up hair and milk all over her shirt to her easily unscrewing the cap and pouring it in her coffee. 

Sidenote:  I only buy the screw caps myself.

The commercial I saw yesterday was even funnier.  It was for the "shoe keeper" for under your bed.  Bascially it is a cardboard box with cardboard liners to separate your shoes.  Or as the commercial says, "your socks, your belts, yours shoes or any accessory."  Basically, if you have a hard time actually putting your socks in your sock drawer, you can place them in this cardboard box and put it under your bed for only $19.95. 

I don't know about you, but if something ends up under my bed in a cardboard box, it stays there for years.  Hence, the reason I just recently found a cardboard box full of stuff from an ex...sharpie pens, an old broken ninento game and a bowl.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade.  Actually,  I think I might have been born in the wrong century.  What ever happened to the time when people were romantic?  When people tried to look beautiful? When people had to talk to each other if they had something to say.  Or even more romantic, had to pick up a quill and actually write down their thoughts?  When people boarded trains with beautiful luggage and gave each other long kisses before venturing off on a two week trip to their destination?  There is nothing more romantic than a train. 

Don't tell my little sister I said that because she will remind you of the time in Hungary when we had to board the train to get to Prague.  And I had a minor meltdown because of the heat and the 3am wakeup calls to check our passports while the window was wide open because of the extreme heat.  And how through some sort of adrenaline rush, I managed to literally throw my suitcases over my head into the bin like I was tossing a car.  And how the whole time I kept telling her boarding this train reminded me of the Nazi Germany trains because everyone had their hands out the window and were tossed in like cattle in second class!  So, don't tell her I said this.  Also don't tell my older sister this because she will remind you of the time in Spain when I had to jump off the train because it was leaving before I had taken all my bags off!!  "Laura, JUMP!"  Ironically, I would have probably ended up in Prague then too...just years earlier.

Let me rephrase. Trains USED to be romantic. 

And so were people.  Now, we have to wait for an email or a text or some sort of electronic communication to know that someone is interested in talking to you.  At least back in the day, you knew that a letter could take up to a month or two to get to you!  And during that time, you just thought about the person and when the letter finally came, and you opened up the parchment paper and saw that beautiful cursive writing, you just melted.  And then you ran to your secretary desk and immediately wrote back all the things that you had been thinking about for the past month!  How romantic!  Today, we just have to wait for an email.  And the problem is, everyone is on email so when you don't get an email, you have to question why!

I'll be the first to admit that I use email and I text all the time.  But lately, I have just had the desire to talk to people...on the phone or in person!  I would love to run to my mailbox and see a package from someone special or a letter.  Or...let's bring this back to modern about just a card?  And not an ecard!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

White Liar, MD

So I have a little bit of a problem.  I am probably one of the most honest people you will meet.  When I have something to say, I say it.  I'm usually very tactful unless you piss me off enough to make it to my blog...then I may or may not be "as" tactful.  But, in general, I am open and honest and genuine and I make people feel comfortable enough so they can be too.

One problem. The one person I am not this brutally open with is my primary care physican.  I have seen the same woman since 2001. I don't like her very much. She has long stringy gray hair and she has pictures of her three boys up in the room so when I'm sitting there in my stirups or for whatever reason I go in, I have to see her three boys staring at me.  Not cool.

Anyway, the problem I have is that she has no idea I am gay and I have been lying to her about it for so long that my white lie has just reached the point of no return and I need a new doctor.

I was on the birth control pills for 14 years to control my period because....blah, blah, blah...I am nothing short of inconsistent.  Anyway, she actually once took my hand and looked to see if I had a ring on my finger before she would prescribe again.  Last time I went in, my blood pressure was so high because she kept asking if I was sexually active, which I wasn't at the time.  But then she says, "last time you said you weren't.  are you saying for two years you haven't been?"...woah, get a grip woman.  I totally have.  But instead I said, "well, i guess a little."  and she says, "do you use protection" and I say "yes" ...then she gives me STD tests!!!!  jesus. I can't ever go back there!!!

Another problem, I have been PMSing for almost 2.5 months.  I am off birth control and of course I am irregular again.  I haven't had it but everyday I experience all the symptons and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  Imagine what it feels like for 2 days before your period. I've had it for 2.5 months!!!!!!  I am seriously thinking of sticking a pin inside and popping that damn egg myself!  Every. I mean every emotion is running through me and that includes irritability and laziness.  I can't wait to go home and nap!

So, I need to call Fenway, where I can stand up straight and say I'm gay. And hopefully leave without a fistful of condoms!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Favorite Moments

I was looking through some photos from the past few months and I wanted to post some of my favorite moments.  In order:

The 1st image is a goose with her goslings.  I love when the goslings hatch. It's one of my favorite times a year. I actually skipped across the street when I saw them. 

The 2nd image is me at a work gala. I had on black heels but after a few hours of d ancing I had blisters. 

The 3rd image is me at the end of the continent in Washington.  What a beautiful place!!!!

The 4th image is the sign just makes me laugh because Cat thinks of me everytime she passes it.

The 5th image is the outcome of me taking a cooking class.  I learned how to make pork tenderloin. I've made it three times.  This meal makes me so happy.

The 6th image is my lobster roll. This is one I got in Portsmouth on Mother's Day when I went with my sister to see a play.  It's the start of summer to me. 

The 7th image is my new owl belt.  I declared this the year of the owl on New Years and this belt makes me confident. 

The 8th image is when I was sitting in a bar in NYC with Cat....tried a new beer and liked it.  Tried a new sandwich and liked it. Just so much fun.

The 9th image is my Red Sox outfit which just makes me laugh As Cat says, "Laura, you go to the games and eat everything but I bet you couldn't name four players."

The 10th image is my birthday breakfast.  There are two pancakes on this plate. 

The 11th image was in San Fran..actually Oakland.  Dream car.

The 12th image is me seeing Mt. Ranier.  Amazing. I've been to Seattle 8 times but only seen in a couple. 

The 13th image is my favorite sign ever.  I voted for her because of her name. 

The 14th image is right before skydiving....why do I look so silly. I was so proud of myself. One of my proudest moments.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Red Velvet Cake

So I just came off a high watching the Celtics....they get my blood pumping during these freaking games.  Kind of like today when I took a 115 degree steam shower for 25 minutes then immediately took a cold shower after.  There is no better feeling than feeling that cold water on you after you just cleansed your body like that!

Anyway, before bed I did my checking of my which has become my before bed routine (again...need some sort of routine because that is what I have to do to join the ranks of the normal working people) and I clicked on to "my matches".  Those make me laugh so hard.  "Like you, she likes dogs."  "Like you, she likes to socially have a beer."  Hilarious.  PS.  if you have a profile pic of you drinking a beer, chances are I go right past you.  Anyway, one of "my matches" said and I quote..

"I like color food people."  Please tell me she meant colorful and put color food. Wow.  This stuff is cracking me up.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Douchebags vs. Yoga

Yesterday was Friday.  By Friday, I am tired.  Not physically but mentally.  I have a rough outer edge a lot and my inside is so sweet and tender that sometimes by Friday I just melt.  I am able to hold in so much during the week things that affect me:  being bored, occasional lapses of self esteem, girls who say they want to date me but then just stop talking to me, friends who hurt my feelings, feeling overweight, being confused at work, everything that everyone goes through I guess.

But on Friday at work, someone said something to me that made me upset.  And in my head I thought, "I wish I had a masters degree so I could look at her and say, 'i'll wipe my ass with my about that?'" Instead, I hung up the phone and went outside in the sun. People can be so unhelpful sometimes.  And truthfully, just plain mean for no reason.  So, on my way out the door, a man with Downs Syndrome asked if I needed help with a big smile.

I put on my extra large sunglasses and just started to bawl in the parking lot.  Why?  Because when I let go of all the things that affect me negatively during the week and let, for one moment, someone who is naive to the woahs of life and so good and so kind in, I let loose and I let go.  So, I bawled.  For about 20 seconds.  Then I was ok.

That led me to hot yoga this morning.  I thought I'd try something that is supposedly good for your mind.  I just came back and I am a hot, sweaty pig right now!  I like it ok.  I used to do pilates and I am more into that I think.  Pilates is about strength building and I like that. Yoga is more about breathing and making really weird noises.  And I think I am too silly for yoga.  It's hard and the more I do it, the better I will be I know.  There needs to be a yoga for silly people.

Friday, June 4, 2010

My taste buds

Since I decided to start eating all new and different foods, my whole world has opened!!  I've come so far from spaghetti every night.  I am so proud of myself.

Tonight, fish tacos!  And I tried black beans.

Now, you are probably thinking, "I can't believe you never had those!" But making fun of me for trying new foods that I have never had is like making fun of an overweight person at the gym.  Lame.  There are a few areas/things I will not make fun of.  Overweight people at the gym...and the developmentally disabled.  Everyone else is a target.

Ummmm....this place was amazing.


Today has been a funny day with me and the boss.  I talk to her a lot about dating and being single.  She has been there for me the past year during all my girl fiascos...being happy, then getting sad, then getting happy again, then getting annoyed, then getting confused.  Then being single and smiling a lot.  She is one of my biggest fans of me finding someone who will just treat me right and be fun and cool.  She told me once I'd make a great wife (I bake).  I said, "how about we start with one date."

So now she is here with me as I venture on  It's funny, funny stuff having her by my side as I troll the site.  It's hard for me because I don't know how to date.  I always end up being with friends or friends of friends, or alcoholics, or people who just broke up with their girlfriends.  So, the whole meeting someone new thing that doesn't know, have dated or slept with my friends is hard. Very hard. 

And being gay makes it even harder.  And being the kind of gay girl that a lot of lesbians don't understand makes it even harder.  Girls never hit on me.  Ever.  Is it because they don't know I am gay?  Is it because I am too sarcastic? I don't know.  But I never get hit on. I don't think lesbians like me.  Men like me.  Men flirt with me all the time.  Men check me out.  So, why won't women?

I am a flirt.  One of the biggest flirts you will ever meet.  I am also a Scorpio so I am passionate and sexy.  But then I start talking and building connections to fucking women and then they turn weird.  So should I just be sexy and pretty and have men stare at me and sometimes talk to them because they think I am funny or should I flirt with women and acutally be myself and then have them turn away.  Ahhh, the dilmena.

Anway, I got the month membership and my boss said if I don't find a date, then she will pay for next month.  I think it is because she wants to use my membership to find herself a date...which leads me to this.

As I was looking for men for her, I realized that straight people might actually have it harder than us gays.  There is so much to choose from and so much cheese on match with men you wouldn't even believe it.  It's like going into the biggest bookstore in the world and there are too many books to choose from.  It's easier to just go to Brookline Booksmith and be gay and have less selection.  But it is?  Because Boston is small so half the people on match are either: not my type at all, would never understand my sarcasm, are probably dating someone already, have slept with my friends or are just way to gay for me. 

So back to the men.  There are a lot of lonely people out there.  And most of them, have no idea how to post a normal photo.  I just laughed for a good hour going through the men with boss picking out the ones that would work and wouldn't work and it was so fun. I could do that for hours.  Why?  Because as much as I think everyone in the world has healthy stable relationships, the reality is that just as many don't. 

Today's Favorite Converstation

Boss:  "laura, i have a bump on my hand."
Me:  "where?"
Boss:  "here."
Me: "if you even think of going on fucking web md i'm going to lose my shit."
Boss:  "why???"
Me: "i don't want to hear about how you think you have fingernail cancer."
Boss: "you will miss me when i'm gone!"

What I thought about on the way to work today.

In order to not feel like anything in my life is routine, I try to take a different way to work everyday throughout the five days and then switch it up each week.  It also depends on traffic.  Because I know that in order to make it in the workplace until I open my own business I will have to succumb to some sort of routine.  So this week, I had strawberry Greek yougurt everyday.  So that is something.

Anyway, today in traffic I thought of this:

1.  Taylor in the morning on Cosmo radio makes me so happy. She is my ideal straight friend.  And just like most friends, I needed to take a three week hiatus from her this past month and listen to the CDs in my car and also top 40 radio for awhile so I can know what the summer song was going to be.  At first I thought it was going to be Rhianna's Rude Boy and I was crossing my fingers for this but it isn't looking good.  Today, I brought Taylor back into my life and just in time for my favorite expression so far today, "A skank is a skank is a skank."

2.  Why do celebrities always have twins?  This reminded me that Celine Dion is expecting twins, which reminded me of when my old boss at my old job told me she was "expecting" and I thought to myself at that point, "obviously lady, your hair is turning gray and could you just say you are pregnant....because saying you are expecting is just annoying."

3.  I would do anything to see Celine Dion in concert.  So hopefully, this news of her expected arrivals does not interfere with her show in Vegas, which hopefully I can go to.

4.  Did I make the right decision to buy $110 shoes last weekend.  They are black sandals from an Israeli company.  And I have to just get over the fact that I can't wear chucks to work everyday and I have to find comfortable shoes I can wear with pants, capris and skirts.  So, they might not be the most fashionable but they are comfortable so I guess I made the right decision.

5.  I need a major hair change.  Since, my major life change of moving to Seattle is not happening now, I now need a major hair change.  I put my hair up like this today to see if I should go short again.  And I also want to put some red in it. 

6.  I am trying hot yoga for the first time tonight.  I am excited about it because I can imagine it will be quite a blog the next day as I haven't done anything like yoga or pilates for years. Years ago, I was so in shape you wouldn't even recognize me. I could hundreds of push ups and about 5 pull ups on the bar.  I was so flexible. I'm coming back, baby. I'm coming back.

7.  Last night while watching the Celtics at the bar, I realized I need to get back to wanting to learn sign language.  It would have been really helpful during one part of the converstation.  And I totally would have pretended to sign but last night, my friends were too busy watching Celtics to laugh at my jokes so it would have been wasted.  But even still, I love watching Celtics with them. 

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My favorite conversation over a beer the past two weeks was this.

Me:  "Why do we like those kind of chicks?"
Friend:  "I have no idea!"
Me: "What's with that?"
Friend:  "Do you have an armband?  Are you fucked up?  And are you in the human services field?  Sign me up!"



Planning things can be so tiresome.  Now...true, I plan events as part of my job so one could think that I love planning. I think, though, that in life, I feel like I HAVE to plan things.  If I don't plan things, then things won't happen and then I will be bored, which is dangerous. Very, very dangerous.  So, because of this, I am always planning things. 

The problem in this world is that other people don't see that or understand this way of life so when plans are made, they don't realize that I was actually looking forward to plans so that when things don't happen, it sucks. 

So sometimes, I just want other people to make plans and bring me into them. I want camping trips, and hiking trips and museum trips, and just shit to do...that is yeah, I'll say it, planned!!!

When I was younger, whenever I wanted my mom to make me something, my stepfather would say, "poof, you're a sandwich". 

"poof, you've got plans."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I love you more than peanut butter and jelly...and that's hard.

I love peanut butter and jelly.  It could possibly be one of my favorite meals.  But today, I used this bread I got at Russos....fancy bread and it ruined my sandwich...which is is a shame because I was so excited to try the natural peanut butter for the first time ever. 

Therefore, I can without a doubt say..I love natural crunchy peanut butter but I much prefer it on seven grain bread I get at Stop and Shop.

And no, I did not have natural jelly.  That would just be silly.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


It's June 1st...which to me...means I have a choice. I have a choice to let go some of the things that have happened in the past month and just start fresh today.  Summer.  It's June 1st.  It's sunny. It's summer.  I have been offcially at my job for one year.  I am starting to slowly meet some new friends.  I have to stop worrying about the "friends" who are selfish and only think about themselves.  I have to step back and just do things for myself. And if someone wants to hang with me, they will call me.  I just have to let it go because that is my choice.  My choice.  Otherwise, the selfish people win. 

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You know what annoys me #7,757

When I am trying to buy a ticket for something or just check on seating and I have to continue to put the words in. Also, when I put all my information in and my credit card information in and then I have to fill out this word and IT IS NEVER CLEAR. I have to do it over twenty times because you can never read the letters!!!

I just learned I can blog from my phone!

Blogging from phone? Ohhhh this is going to be good!

Word of the day that I just can't deal with


This word confuses me.  I don't understand when grown women or men use it.  When discussing your girlfriend or boyfriend, when exactly did you decide that the word yummy should come into the equation?  If he/she is attractive, use words such as beautiful or gorgeous or sexy or cute or I would say you can go as far as fucktastic.  But yummy? No. 

When describing food, is there any other adjective that you can come up with besides yummy?  If you are talking to a child and you want them to eat their vegetables, then by all means, you can occasionally say "but honey, broccoli is yummy!"  That works.

But grown women or men who say things during a dinner converstation at a nice restaurant like this, "My filet is yummy."  should just be sent home. 

I'm pretty sure if we were friends, I'd make fun of you.  And if we were dating, I'd probably drink some wine to get through that meal and then come up with about 100 different reasons in my mind why we wouldn't work because of the word yummy. 

I was told once, that I "plow through women".  I prefer to use the term "weed out" ones that don't fit. 

So, to summarize

I was talking to my 4 year old nephew the other day (made up i dont' have one) and he didn't want to eat his carrots. And I said to him, "Oliver (because I love that name), eat your carrots...Carrots are yummy."  Then I turned to my hott girlfriend and I said, "hey baby....lets go out tonight for thai food. I can't wait to get my mouth all over that succulent fresh summer roll...I love them. They taste amazing.  Also, you look so good tonight...fucktastic."

Monday, May 24, 2010

If I was to write a profile, this would be it. I'm not going to, I just thought this on my roadtrip and thought I was being very creative.

I would insert a hott picture of me...let's face it, there are a lot.  Then, I would call myself sarcasmishott.  Then my tagline would say this, "Sing along with me...if you don't know the tune, move along, please."

Maybe far away (but I would prefer that you lived in the same state)

or maybe real nearby (but not in my apartment because that won't happen anytime soon)
he may be pouring her coffee (I don't drink coffee)
she may be straightening his tie (don't wear a tie if you want to date me)

Maybe in a house (or a condo in the south end would be nice with exposed brick)
all hiden by a hill (which you will want to climb with me on a saturday)
she's sitting playing piano (hobbies...big bonus..dont be boring)
he's sitting paying a bill (yes, be financially stable. if i want to do something or plan something, i don't want to hear, "i can't afford it")

betcha they're young (be at least 30)
betcha they're smart (oh yes, you must be smart as me at least)
bet they collect things like (i love when people collect things but don't be a hoarder)
ashtrays (don't smoke) and art (how adult...yes do that)

betcha they're good (you must be a good person)
why shoudn't they be? (oh, you should be)
their one mistake (it's ok to make mistakes...just own them)
was giving up me!  (and it will be a big one)

so maybe now its time, (wear cool watches)
and maybe when I wake, (not a morning person unless you feed me pancakes)

they'll be there calling me baby, maybe...

Betcha he reads (please read so we can talk about books)
Betcha she sews (again, hobbies are good)
Maybe she's made me
a closet of clothes (or at least has a sense of style)

Maybe they're strict (not necessary)
As straight as a line (don't be STRAIGHT!)
don't really care (oh please care)
as long as they're mine!

So maybe now these prayers (don't be too religious but it's ok to believe)
the last one of its kind. (i think i'm the last of it's kind so if you are too that's a bonus)
won't you please come get your baby, maybe...

Want to stop and get a coffee?

The next time a friend asks if we should stop and get a cup of coffee I am going to have to rethink my answer.  Drinking alcohol and driving is, as I realized yesterday at around 3pm, almost the same for me as drinking espresso and driving.  Now, obviously there are a lot of differences and there isn't even one slight tiny bit of me who agrees with drinking and driving. In fact, if there was a LADD, I'd join it.  That would be Lesbians Against Drinking and Driving.  Or it could even be Laura Against Drinking and Driving.  There is never a reason to do it. 

Anyway, back to yesterday.  For years, I've been working through my fear of driving. I don't know where the fear came from.  Is it from the near-death experience I had when I was driving when I was 17 and got into a horrific car accident on the highway on my way home?  Maybe.  I don't know.  But, I've always had to work through my fear of driving and I do.  I do work through it. And it's been about 5 months since my last panic attack while driving and it's been awesome. 

Not only have the panic attacks basically disappeared out my system, with the help of my new car, but they haven't even come into my head as something I should be worried about when I do want to go on a trip.  And more than that, because I've been so calm lately, I didn't even worry about my parents on their road trip. It's been amazing. 

Don't get me wrong, I have OCD. So the thoughts come in my head for sure.  But then I let them pass.  They come in, then I let them pass quickly. I'm healing myself!!

Then yesterday happened.  But because I am very self aware, I knew it was happeneing and I spent almost two hours figuring out how to cope with it while driving home and I did it.  And I'm here.  So, that's awesome. 

After 3 hours of driving home from a really fun weekend, I started to feel anxious. Was it talking to my mom and getting frustrated?  Maybe.  Was it thinking about an email I got which affected me?  Maybe.  Was it thinking about my life and relationships and friends?  Maybe.  Was it the fact that I was running out of gas?  Maybe.  Was it the fact that I hadn't eaten anything for hours?  Maybe.  Was it the espresso drink I had a few hours earlier?  Most definitely!  I don't drink caffenine because it makes me anxious.  So, because I've been so non anxious about driving, I think I forgot that so I drank it.  Big mistake. 

About three hours in I started to feel dizzy, and numb.  I don't know if you have ever had a panic attack, but they aren't pretty...but if you can stop your brain and figure it out while it is happening, they pass.  So, I started to get all numb and I could feel my body slowly fade from myself and I got light-headed and I couldn't see straight. I got off the road and got some gas.  Then I drank some water. Then I ate an apple.  Then I texted a couple of people to see if they would maybe contact me to make me feel better.  Only one person did, my sister...thank you sister. 

I got back on the road and just took it really slow and started to do my singing of a hundred bottles of beer on the wall, and laughing at myself and breathing and thinking postiive happy thoughts about my weekend and about myself and my future etc.  It really helped.  I was fine until about 20 minutes until I was home and another one happened.  I think I started to feel really bad about myself for it happenening so it happened again.  But then I calmed myself down again and made it home!!

I think for myself, I need a panic attack sponsors. hahahah....someone who can call me and just say the right things; even if for just a mintue; to bring me back to the Laura I know I am.  I have to find someone I can reach out to like that. 

I'm not perfect. I have my faults. But, here's the thing. I know them.  And I work through them. I ask for help when I need it....albeit that some of the people I ask for help don't have a clue how to help me because they just don't get it. 

I'm a very funny person but when it comes to things like this, sometimes I just need someone to call me and say this, "Laura, you are amazing and strong.  Focus your brain on that.  Breathe.  I'm proud of you."  I say it...but yeah, sometimes, I want to hear it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'll give you my .99 cents fo shiz

You know where you can go to feel good about yourself? The Dollar Store on Cambridge Street. I like to go in there and look at the clientele and just stand in the aisles and listen to their stories. I always leave feeling better about my life. And equipped with cheap sunglasses or candy or a new pair of socks or something too.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm faster...lane!

What is it with people who think they don't need a fastlane pass? Everytime I am in a car with someone without a fastlane pass they say, "why do I need a fastlane pass?"

I'll tell you why? It's faster!!!!! And everytime you go through the toll, you say this. So basically, you DO need a fastlane pass.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Rules of Match

Sometimes I like to go on just to play around and see what they hell is out there.  I often do this when I am feeling vulnerable so I can remind myself that I really am a diamond in the rough and albeit I don't have the best luck in dating, I am much better off than some of those fools on

I came up with a few rules while looking the other day.

1.  Don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page.  Actually.  First, don't say the word "partner". It is gross.  Second, don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page!!!!  Are you kidding me?!  I don't want to read that you have a cat that you love so much that you and your partner bought together and you won in the "divorce".  I know you are a lesbian, but at least save that for the first date you freaking moron.

2.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Really?  Because I would put money down on the fact that when we actually do date, you will sit at home playing Nintendo games and watching sports, drinking Bud Light and listening to Ludacris. 

3.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Why did I just repeat this?  Because that doesn't make you smart.  It makes you boring.

4.  Don't put pictures up of yourself that your ex girlfriend took of you.  Because when she goes online to read your profile to get some laughs, that will just annoy her.

5.  Don't focus so much on the fact that you love to travel.  I love to travel too.  I've been to a lot of places...but when we first start dating, I'm guessing that we are going to stay local. So, tell me some of the things you want to do locally before you tell me how cool you are that you travel so much.

6. If you have been on match for over two years, change your profile picture. That just makes you sad. 

7.  Don't put pictures of you with children. That is just a turn off.  Yes, I am 33.5 and my chances of having a child are getting slimmer, but if we do start dating, it will be a few years before a child is mentioned so take those down. 

8.  Let's face it.  You are on match because you can't find anyone else right now or maybe you are like me and just want to feel better about yourself.  So just be real.  Because people like me, again, (someone who notices things and can read people pretty well), see right through your writing.  So, be real.  If you want a diamond in the rough, be real.

9.  What is real?  For example, if I were to have a profile, which I don't, I'd put a couple of pics of my face.  But then I'd probably just put pictures of my favorite foods.  That way, when you date me, you will know that when you come to my door and bring me Brighams chocolate chip ice cream with you, there is a really good chance that will make me smile.  That is real.  But of course, teaching real can be tiring so I'll save my real lessons for another blog.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Everytime I read it, I still get the chills

The Scorpion is one intense little creature, with enough poison in its own tail to disable or kill a much larger opponent. But the problem with this kind of built-in biological weaponry is that it must be mastered in order to be used most effectively. You Scorpios can use your "stinger" for self-defense, using your powerful emotional awareness to render your opponent harmless. But there is a sexual component of poisonous tail also, and until Scorpio learns to control those strong urges, Scorpio may find yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Scorpio is the only sign that has three animal totems. First, there is the well-known Scorpion with its active tail. Second, as the Scorpio learns to master its passion and hold its instincts at bay, it changes into the Eagle. The Eagle has more perspective, for it flies high above the surface of circumstances, swooping down with its power only to kill prey for food. In its third form, the Scorpion becomes the always-peaceful dove. The real meaning of Scorpio is thus shown. Scorpio is about metamorphosis. Scorpios transform the painful poisons of possessive passion into a higher consciousness based on universal love.

The Scorpio motto might be "What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious." You are the detectives of the zodiac. Your magnetic personality draws others to you. But you can also be secretive yourself, for you learn early on that when you express everything, others may be scared by the power of your feelings. You desperately want to have someone to merge with your feelings, but can become cold and withdrawn when hurt in love. You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all.

Monday, May 17, 2010

You know what annoys me #687

When contestants on Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy say please after each turn.

"I'll take a C, please."  Ok. Maybe for the first turn but after that it should just be obvious.  Kind of like when people sneeze a lot.  One or two sneezes, I'll say bless you.  After that, it is just clear that I meant bless for you for the entire duration of the sneezes.

Same with Jeopardy.  There are a lot of clues people and time is a ticking.  No need for the please.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Luggage Tags

I need to go back to baggage for a few moments here today on this beautiful sunny Sunday.  Today, I am going to wash my car and read my book outside on the porch while my cat plays outside.  Today is awesome.

I just need to go back to baggage (maybe because I want to travel which I do) or maybe because I want to let out some steam.

I think there are two types of people when it comes to baggage.  There are the types of people who like to use their rollaway luggage and carry their baggage with them at all times, rolling it along with them.  They don't like to be too far away from their baggage at any given time; regardless of how annoying that baggage might be for someone else or how much it can hurt when the wheels of that baggage hit your achilles heel.

Then there are the types of people who like to check their baggage when they arrive because it is bulky and heavy and can be a bother when trying to get around.  It might cost a little more to check it and yes of course you have to worry that when you get to your next destination, that baggage might not arrive with you, but they take that chance.  And even if you lose the luggage, you can get new stuff; better stuff.  And when the times comes to pick up that checked baggage, they pick it up and unpack it.  And whether that is through therapy or just becoming more in touch with yourself and your place with other people, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that it gets unpacked.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I've had a kind of frustrating week. I mean, for the most part (about 80%) I'm totally cool and everything is good. But life is full of frustating things and 20% of things to me this week are frustrating and I want to bitch about them for a minute. I can bitch about them. Then I can move on. That's what I do.

I am frustrated that I still don't know what I want to do with my life when it comes to career. And yes....I know some people that have been laid off the past two weeks. (moment of silence for them). Now, back to me. I am frustrated that I don't know what to do with my life sometimes with my career. Yes, I have a job. But I am somebody that needs to be a lot more fulfilled than just having something. I want to feel something for what I have.

I am frustated that people I've dated think they are always hurting me. They aren't. If you tell me that you don't want to be with me, then don't be with me. I will not fight it. I am better than that. You aren't hurting me.

I am frustrated when my sarcasm gets picked on. If you don't like it, then don't like it. But don't pick on it. Don't be critical of it. I am a very sweet person. 80% of the time. Get a backbone for the other 20%.

I am frustrated that yet again, this year, I have no Memorial Day plans. I want somebody to invite me to do something for Memorial Day weekend. I do. Of course I can plan something and ask a bunch of people what they are doing. I've already started. But, sometimes, I just want someone to want to include me in their plans because they want me around. Nothing more than that....that they want me around because it would be fun.

I am frustrated that I haven't had a trip with a girl in the past three years in which I print pictures and weeks later, they aren't my ex. I mean, don't get me wrong, I take lots of self photographs just in case I get an ex so my albums aren't empty. But seriously, it would be nice. I'm not embarassed to say it. I want cute pictures.

Sidenote: I am going to see my friend in Brooklyn next weekend because she asked me to come and wants to see me and I am very happy about that. 80%. And I'll totally get cute pictures of us.

See...I just have to bitch sometimes and then I feel better about the good stuff.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Cards. Table. On. Check.

Am I crazy?

I love my cat so much that I buy health insurance for him. And it's getting more expensive because of his age. (which is 10 and who knew that 5 and 10 were cutoffs for increasing the insurance)!!!????? I told the guy on the phone today that his insurance is going to cost more than my own! Which is not true, because my insurance is so expensive. I work full time and still pay over $250 a month for insurance. Same with dental and I still pay hundreds. What the hell!!???

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Morning Petting

The dictionary version of a pet peeve (or pet hate) is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to them, to a greater degree than others may find it.

I think this is an excellent defintion of a pet peeve. I find that often when I tell people my pet peeves, they acuse me of being a negative person. I disagree. Everyone has pet peeves. If we didn't then we would all do the same things all the time and have the same reactions and the world would be an unbelievably boring place to live. And everyone would go to movies thinking it was okay to rustle in their popcorn bags for the entire duration of the movie (not ok...popcorn should be done by the end of the previews).

How can the popcorn be done by the end of the previews you ask? Simple. Get to the movie early. If you get to the movie at least 15 minutes in advance, then you 15 minutes to eat the popcorn during the trivia questions, another 5-7 minutes during the commericals and then at least another 10 minutes for the previews. That gives you a grand total of 30-37 minutes to eat your bag of popcorn.

My parents have figured out a way to go to movies together and not get on each other nerves and I find this technique incredibly helpful because while I enjoy finishing my popcorn before the movie, I always have candy to eat during the movie. If you put your candy in a plastic bag before you go into the movie, you don't have to listen to the sound of candy in a box and it helps to figure out the lenght of movie:amount of candy left ratio so much easier.

So back to pet peeves: here are a few I thought of while on my way to work this morning.

1. people who give you the evil eye when you come to a sharp stop at an intersection that usually has no cars because a car was coming. I stopped don't have to slow down to a near stop and give me the evil eye. I stopped.

2. lesbians who put the word 'woman' in a song when the actual lyrics say 'man'.

3. paying $15 copays at a doctors office when all she does is take out stitches. I had to come up with something else for her to look at today and get a skin cream perscription just so I could feel my money was worth it!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Things I've noticed about myself today

1. I love when Bad Things comes on my ipod at work. It makes me just sit at my desk and smile for 2:43.

2. I thought I needed Pepto Bismol so I went to the dollar store and bought some. Turns out i just needed an extra large box of Junior Mints instead.

3. I love that I get to wear capri pants again because I look adorable in capri pants. However, I need all new shoes.

4. When I'm happy and myself, good people come out of the woodwork.

5. Transferring data from sheets to excel is boring. I prefer to use excel for other things. Like summarize things.

6. I drink more water now than I ever have because I am told not to. And my 'need water' impression is still making people laugh...3 days later.

7. People who write on fb how we should feel privileged because we live in a privileged society makes me irritated. What's wrong with being privileged? I feel privileged to be privileged.

8. I love when my legs burn from working out the day before. I can feel my calves getting hotter.

9. I have a calf muscle fetish.

You know what makes me happy #2

When I look at people that I have known in my past wedding fb pics and they just look...really happy. I love wedding pics that are natural...weddings that show people just having fun and looking happy. I like that.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Things I want

Things I want are different from my resolutions I think. I still need to work on my resolutions, which means I really need to take another class at Cambridge Adult Education and also try Zumba. This is fine, however, because I love taking classes and learning. I think I'm either going to take Thai cooking or maybe some sort of photography class. I also want to learn Spanish and Italian. For fun. I actually want to learn so many things sometimes I think my head is going to explode. That is why I avoid bookstores. When I walk into a bookstore, I get overwhelmed with all the the things there is to know and learn and I usually end up buying a book by a comedian. Brookline Brooksmiths is one of my favorite stores in Boston and last time I ended up buying a ring and a pair of socks because the bookshelves were making my head spin and I had Chelsea Handler's new book in my hands but I think I could read that in ten minutes so I am going to wait until someone lets me borrow it. Why is a bookstore one of my favorite stores in Boston if I try to avoid bookstores? Well that's me.

Anyway, things I want are just things that I want so here are a few things I want in the next let's say, six months.

1. I want to go up in a hot air balloon ride. I am a little scared of this but I think it could be so fun. And it kind of feels like it could be a little romantic as long as my heartrate stays under control and I don't have a panic attack. And whoever goes up with me is going to have to be okay with me reinacting Wizard of Oz for a minute.

2. I want a grapefruit spoon. Now that I have mastered the art of cutting a grapefruit (at least yesterday I did), I want to be able to eat said grapefruit easier.

3. I want to find a shampoo/conditioner that really works well for my hair. Everytime I get a haircut nobody notices until about 4 weeks later. That makes me wonder if I am using the wrong prodcut or if people are just that oblivious. I feel like I notice when people get haircuts and I usually try to say something. I think it's nice to say something when someone gets a haircut.

4. I got a month membership to the rock climbing gym for May. I want to actually use this.

5. I want to be able to do 100 push ups no problem again. Because lets face it, I have really great arms when I work them out. (When I work them out being the issue right now).

6. I want to go dancing. Which is awesome because I just got a text from a friend who asked if I wanted to go dancing on Friday. So, there. I got what I wanted quickly on this one. I mean seriously, I was just about to write I want to go dancing and then I got that text. I love that shit.

7. I want to go to a psychic.