Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Thursday, July 24, 2014


So I went ahead and joined Twitter.  That's it.  But joining Twitter has made me realize that I need to get back into my writing so here I go....

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Oscar and the Grouch: Laura's Oscar Predictions

Oscar and the Grouch – Laura’s Yearly Oscar Predictions
Welcome to my 10th installment of Laura's Oscar predictions.  

As always, I am quite aware that most of you are not as obsessed with the Oscars as I, and you are very welcome because I know you use my answers for your Oscar pool.  You aren’t in an Oscar pool?  Liar.  Also, if you tell me you haven’t seen a movie in three years, you REALLY better be a cool person and have another reason to talk to me. 

What a year for film!  For the first time in years I can honestly say that the only sure thing is that American speed skaters may want to think about pulling a Lola Jones and switching their careers to track and field.

The Chinese say it’s the year of the horse. I believe it’s the year of the Leo, or “The Wolf” as he so rightfully should be knighted. This is the year Leo and I will become best friends and he is going to invite me over to his private island he bought in Belize. Marty will come over and we will all sit around and watch Titanic and make fun of Gisele.  (Ok, so maybe I’ll just wave at him from afar but you never know when I set my mind to something).

I can’t continue without a big shout out to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  RIP buddy.  I know I have often made fun of you for your obscene sweaty demeanor and mumble inflection. However, you were an exceptional actor. I am sure no less than five people will dedicate their award to you. You are a real heroine. I mean hero.  

Now let’s begin…

Best Actor in a Motion Picture:
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Leonardo DiCaprio
Who will win:  Leonardo DiCaprio
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Miles Teller for The Spectacular Now  (You haven’t seen it you say? It’s On Demand.  No excuses.)  And Joaquin Phoenix for Her (just wish they shaved his mustache because I miss his cute little cleft lip scar).

Christian Bale for American Hustle:
When I first saw the preview to this movie I knew it would get nominated for everything.  And, it did.  Go me.  I absolutely loved him in this role.  And since he always gets so much credit for losing 50 pounds to play a part (The Machinist and The Fighter), let’s give him his due credit for gaining it for this role.  He won’t win.  Why?  Leo will. 

Bruce Dern for Nebraska:
The Black Stallion.  I smell a dark horse here (and not the Chinese horse).  If he wins, it will be a big pile of manure in my view. 

Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street:
Honestly do I need to say more here? I won’t start again on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Blood Diamond and The Departed and well, every single movie (besides The Beach) that he has been in.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you are missing out on three hours of fantastic debauchery.  If you see any scene, watch the one where he is drugged up…no not that one…the other one…no other one…no, no the OTHER one.  He will win. 

Chiwetel Ejiofer for 12 Years a Movie (I mean Slave):
(Cheee-weeee-tell-Edge-O-Fir)  (Chew-we-tall-Elll-if-fer)  (Tea-we-tall -Ouija board)
These are all the way in which Jennifer Lawrence may get his name wrong when announced. Two scenes got to me in this which really could be the reason he could win.  First is when he was left hanging on the tree.  Second was at the end (after 16 hours) when he said “Sorry I’ve been gone so long.  I’ve had a hard time.”  He won the BAFTA.  I really don't think he will win this.

Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club:
Here’s the deal. He was terrific in this movie. He has come a long way from Fools Gold and The Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past.  What I think happened is that he married Camile and had a couple of kids and now has a whole new lease on life.  It’s that or he has been overloading on the placenta berries from the tree planted in his backyard. Did you read that wrong? No. Camile and Matthew planted a tree in their backyard using her parts of her placenta.  Placenta berries:  the new Goji berry, coming soon to a natural foods section near you (except Market Basket). 

It’s not that I don’t think he deserves this award, it’s just I really don’t want to hear his hillbilly award speech….”alright, alright, alright”…you know what I’m talking about.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Cate Blanchettt
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Amy Adams
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Shailene Woodley for The Spectacular Now

Amy Adams for American Hustle:
You watch her in this role and you immediately forget that it’s Amy Adams.  This woman is becoming the new Meryl and literally gets nominated for every thing she is in.  This would have been a done deal and I still think it should be.  But then you watch Cate and you think “crap, she was really good in that.”

Cate Blanchette for Blue Jasmine:
Pretty sure she will go home with this and dedicate it to Philip.  The problem here is Woody Allen, the dark donkey. Will she lose her tall gold man because of Woody’s short white weenie?  I don’t understand why people are surprised about the child molestation allegations. (He did marry his stepdaughter.)  I think it’s just because he is a tiny little nerdy Jewish man and you just don’t think...tiny little nerdy Jewish man: child molester...You look at him and you think , “dammit, why does he have to be such an amazing director.”  If the academy can look passed all this, yes she will win.

Sandra Bullock for Gravity:
All I can say is bravo to Sandra for this role.  It’s not her year to win because of the other talent but great job.  Let's also give a shout out to The Heat.  And to her son Louise.

Judi Dench for Philomena:
I can’t stand it.  Every nominee is amazing.  I give a lot of shit to Judi Dench but she really is brilliant.  This is such a sweet, simple film and everyone over the age of 50 will love it.  So if you want to take your mom to see a movie, go to this one. 

Meryl Streep for August:  Osage County:
I am starting to think they nominate her because of the off chance she will win and give one of her hilarious acceptance speeches.  I haven’t seen this movie yet but I will.  I am sure she is great in it and I am sure she is 200% better than Julia Roberts.  She won’t win.  It took her so long between Sophie’s Choice and Iron Lady that there is just no way she will win this year. 

Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Jared Leno
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Jared Leno
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Sam Rockwell for The Way Way Back

Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips:
How about the cameras just don’t do a close up on his teeth again please.  It scared the children at the Golden Globes.  He won the BAFTA and I think we can just attest that to the bad teeth thing.  Not a chance. 

Bradley Cooper for American Hustle:
Really should go to Bradley Cooper’s perm in American Hustle. It was the pièce de résistance of the entire movie.  (But that’s for costume design). All kidding aside, great acting.  He will win one day but not March 2. It took Leo years.  Just give it time blue eyes. 

Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Movie (I mean slave)
I can’t say that his role was the one I remember the most in this movie.  We were supposed to hate him and we did.  But luckily for him we hated Brad Pitt even more.  Not to go off Michael here but every actor in this movie made you feel like you were watching real life.  Pitt comes on and all you can think is “seriously Brad, shut up.”  Won’t win.

Jonah Hill for the Wolf of Wall Street:
I can’t stand him.  He annoys me in real life and in movies. He has gotten two Oscar nominations in his life and I’ve gotten none.  Tell me how that is fair.  Saying ALL that, I loved him in this movie.  I don’t know what to say besides that.  Plus he is good friends with Leo.  I guess I need to deal. 

Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club:
Forget the fact that he is absolutely gorgeous. He just seems like such a cool dude.  He should win.  Not because of his transformation to a woman. He should win for the one scene where he transforms into a man.  He will win.  Hands down.  Now let’s just hope he wears his hair down.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Who will win:  Lupita Nyong’o
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  Jennifer Lawrence
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  Laura Linney for “I hid my pregnancy at the age of 49” and “The Voice of Downton Abbey”

Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine:
She was good.  Nothing to really write home about.  Think they just needed to get their token Brits in each category. 

Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle:
Can a 23 year old be nominated three times and then win two Oscars in a row???!!  Why yes she can.  But, I don’t think she will with Lupita in the same category. You know…politics and shit.  It’s been a back and forth battle with these two all season but I think Lupita will come out on top (in acting and best dressed).

Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Movie (I mean Slave)
I’m torn here.  This movie has to win something right? Well this is it’s best chance.  It’s that damn soap scene.  That’s what is going to do it for her. 

Julia Roberts for August: Osage County
I don’t really have much to say here because I didn’t see the movie.  My guess is she needs the publicity of an Oscar nomination because she is now voicing the Nationwide Insurance commercials.

June Squibb for Nebraska:
AKA:  “The woman nobody has ever heard of but she is in her 80s so we need to nominate her”. Line her up with others who have been awarded the same recognition in this category:  Gloria Stuart, Ruby Dee, Emmanelle Riva. 

I heard she was the best part of the movie though. 

Best Picture of the Year:
Who will win:  American Hustle
Who Laura thinks SHOULD win:  American Hustle
Who was totally screwed for a nomination:  The Way Way Back

American Hustle:
I knew this would win from the moment I saw the preview.  It has everything it takes:  writing, acting, costumes, cinematography, top billed cast, sweet music, dancing, and it’s in filmed in Boston and NOT directed by Ben Affleck.  It’s perfect. 

Captain Phillips:
So I read that the “real” captain Phillips was kind of a jerk.  So that’s basically all I can think of when I watch this.  Not sure why this was nominated.  It wasn’t even that good. 

Dallas Buyers Club:
I’m torn.  This was a great film but Jennifer Gardner was in it and movies with Jennifer Gardner will never win an Oscar.  Unless hubby Ben directs it and Damon stars in it.  

We have gravity to thank for many things.  Keeping food on our plates, bringing us down when we jump up, forcing us to spend $85 on supportive bras, and recently to watch Sandra Bullock really shine.  This will win pretty much every special effect nomination and also for directing but I will be very surprised if it wins best picture. I wouldn’t be upset if it did though.

Fantastic movie.  I have been saying for years that technology; especially Facebook is going to be the death of humanity, as we know it.  I mean, come on this year alone I had to basically not read any posts until I saw the ending of Breaking Bad! End. Of. Humanity.  This movie will win best screenplay and I’m good with that.  “Isn’t that right Siri?”….”I am sorry.  I am very offended by this comment and will no longer tell you where the closest Five Guys Burgers is”. 

I haven’t seen this.  I think if there is literally nothing left on TV and I’ve seen everything On Demand that I possible want to spend money on, I would perhaps play with the idea of renting this.  I would probably just fast forward to the parts with June Squibb though because “I heard she was good.”

Sweet movie which made me teary.  I loved Dame Judi Dench and the fact that it is a true story.  It won’t win though. But don’t be surprised if 18 year olds who have children start naming their kids Philomena because they heard it on TV and thought it was a new trendy Italian pastry.

12 Years a movie (I mean Slave)
Oh stop being so politically correct.  Not every WWII Holocaust movie wins for best Oscar and neither should this.  It was a good movie.  And some of the parts were extremely hard to watch. But just so you don’t think of me as a nasty person, I think everyone should see this film at some point just to be reminded of our history….then of course go on Facebook and talk about it so you look like an important person.  End. Of. Humanity.

The Wolf of Wall Street
Like I said, three hours of drugs, sex, drinking, swearing and Leo.  Do I need to say more?  No.  But it won’t win.  If it wins, then I think someone gave the members of the Academy too many Quaaludes.

Others For Fun:
Adapted Screenplay:  12 years a movie (I mean slave)
Original Screenplay:  Her
Best Costume:  Great Gatsby
Best Director:  Alfonso Cuardon
Anything to do with sound and effects:  Gravity
Makeup:  If Bad Grandpa wins I don't won't even know what to do with myself.  
Song:  As much as I want Frozen to win and see Idina walk on stage, I have a strange feeling it's going to go to U2.  

And there you have it.  Good luck to all and enjoy the Oscars and your bowl of delicious placenta berries and wash it down it with a beer and fistful of quaaludes!