Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Saturday, August 30, 2008


That bastard. Picking a woman. Oh the games we play.

Happy B-day!

Thank god for facebook. Now I don't have to remember my friend's birthdays. Facebook tells me when I need to get my head out of my ass and send birthday wishes to people. What did we do before this amazing invention. You thought the Jew who invented the knish was impressive. He has nothing on this guy!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 1

Manager: "We need to have a staff office clean-up day."
Me: "Sure, when?"
Manager: "I think next week. We ALL need to be involved."
Me: "Sorry, I am on vacation for the next two weeks but just do it without me and when I come back, I will clean up my stuff."
Manager: "It's not just about your stuff, Laura It is a team effort."
Me: "Ok. How about in three weeks then?"
Manager: "I will be out on vacation. But go ahead and do it without me."
Me: " I thought you said we all have to do it and it is a team effort."
Manager (after only trying for three seoncds): "Well it is just too hard to coordinate that. So go ahead and do it while I am gone."

Is he gay or just German?

It's hard to figure out. This is now the second time I have taken a plane from Philly to Salisbury, MD and both times, the amount of gay flight attendants and pilots has exceeded all expecations.

The guy yesterday was on the fence for me, though. When I first got on the plane, I was like, oh yeah big time gay. He was blonde, with spiky hair and a ridiculous fake tan. He hot this huge shit eating grin on his face. Usually when I get on a plane, the flight attendants never smile at me. This guy was all about it.

Anyway, when he started doing his announements, I realized that he German...or Austrian. Hard to tell really. I could not understand a single word he was saying. Not that I need to since it is always the same speech. I think if I was a flight attendant, I would totally mix it up...give people a reason to take their eyes off the skymall catalog for a second and pay attention. I try to pay attention but it is just way too boring.

It got me thinking, maybe he isn't gay. Maybe he is just German and that made me laugh. But then he just got way too much enjoyment about walking up and down the aisle that I went back to my original thought that he is gay.

On a sidenote: I swear I am going to start having to pay to wear pants on the plane. You have to pay to bring on luggage and pay for your own drinks now. I can just imagine when you check in, there will be a button that asks if you will be wearing pants on the plane and if so, please insert your credit card for a $15.00 charge. People would do it. Maybe not the gay/German flight attendant but I would.

Monday, August 25, 2008

If the question is

Here is a game I like to play a lot.

If the question is did I lay in bed with a only a towel on this afternoon and then wake up two hours later naked with a self-help book on my chest, the answer would be yes.

I went to the aquarium today and saw the fishes

And by aquarium, I mean the Arsenal Mall in Watertown. And by fishes, I mean whales.  And by whales, I mean people.  

This woman was waiting for a parking spot in her minivan so I let her park but then she kept backing up and finally I threw my hands up in the air and said, "what the fuck?".  She waved me to go by her.  I literally parked next to her and got out and when I passed her, she had five children get out of her van.  I might have said something under my breathe like, "five kids. great" but don't quote me on that one.

I went to Marshall's to buy a new suitcase because I want to do a lot more traveling and my huge piece of luggage has just gotten a little too obnoxious...even for me.  In order to get to Marshall's you have to pass the Sprint cart in the middle of the mall. You know the ones where the guy with all the silver chains is standing there and says, "excuse me, can I ask you a question?" in which I always reply, "no." Except the one time when the guy said what service to do have and I said, "Sprint and it sucks."  

Anyway, going into Marshall's in the Watertown mall is seriously like going to a different country.  A sad, poverty-stricken country where people still wear white keds and tube tops.  I walked straight ahead to the luggage and picked out one that will work fine. I walked to the registers and I was second in line.  It was then that I realized that the woman working the register had a lisp.  I was PRAYING that I would get the other woman but of course I didn't.  "Ethcsuse me, would you likthe to shatve 10 perthent?"  "No."  "Wouldth you liketh to help juvenileth diabethees?" In my head, "no, but i would like to give you a dollar to help you go to a speech therapist."

Let's just say it was a boring day and this was the highlight.  I know I am going to hell but I swear I am caring person.  I swear!!  

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I know they eat fresh but do they have to be so slow?

Everytime I go to Subway I wonder if it could be anymore possible for a human being to give less of a shit about his/her job.  Each time, I realize that is is most definitely possible.  Without fail, I will walk in and the guy (in this case it is always a guy) asks me what I want while he is working on another person's order.  

I say the same thing each time depending on my mood.  It is either, "a foot long turkey on wheat, no cheese, not toasted with lettuce, lots of pickles, cucumbers and honey mustard.  No chips or drink."  Or, I say, "a foot long spicy italian on whole wheat, toasted with provolone, lettuce, lots of pickles and a little bit of olive oil.  Yes, that's it. Yes.  Only that."  

I will say the whole thing and they will continue on with the other person's order.  Ten minutes later when they are done with this order, they will come back to me and say, "what would you like?"


I found a treasure chest last night.  All my old notes and cards from elementary school through college.  I had one of the best nights in a long time.  Thanks, Amy.  ;)

Off to go hiking for the day.  



Friday, August 22, 2008

You Rock My World Port!

Today was the first time I have ever gone to Rockport by myself.  I have always gone with family or ex girlfriends.  Ex girlfriends who say things like, "you take generic pictures."  I think that is interesting coming from someone who thinks spending a night drinking PBR is cultural.  

I found this amazing state park in Rockport and I used the morning to learn how to use my camera.  I love how the zoom allows me to get rid of all the hairy men with no shirts on who decided to continue to walk in my line of view and speak very loudly every time they went by.  

It was so peaceful to sit on the rocks and put my feet in the water, which was actually rather warm.  A wave came crashing and I almost got soaked and all I could think of was the scene in Grease (and yes, I know that scene was originally From Here To Eternity) but I like it better in Grease.  

I could live in Rockport.  I mean I am not a 50 year old lesbian who owns an art studio and sits around eating kalamata olives, but I think I could figure it out.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I got my parking spot.  I also got a new camera.  I am so excited to start taking pictures again.  The world is my freaking oyster and I am about to say shuck it!  Yes, that is cheesy but I don't care.  

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Laura...don't sweat the small stuff.

Why is it that the only thing I can worry about right now is the fact that I don't have a parking spot.  Never mind that I have no job and no clue and no idea where I am going.  I don't have a parking spot and that is all I can think about.  Oh's cause I have OCD and that is how f-d up that crap is.  

Why can't I just have to check the stove a hundred times and wash my hands a million times a day. That would be so much easier than worrying about a parking spot.  

So to make myself feel better, I just went outside and said hi to all the cerebral palsy patients sitting in the parking lot next to the post office.  I just want to help them.  But then I realized that their wheelchairs were taking up a couple of parking spots and now I am back to my initial problem.  

People who say they don't like Celion Dion can kiss it!!!

I have been without cable and a TV for almost two weeks.  If I don't have a TV by September 22 when Heroes comes back on, I BETTER get invited somewhere to watch it in HD.  

Me not having a TV and cable at first seemed like the worst thing in the world (besides Celine retiring of course).  However, I am getting around it.  I am watching DVDs and all the episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  And really it is beautiful out and summer in New England so I guess I can deal with it for now.  

But as soon as The Office and Grey's comes back on and Heroes....I need a 42 inch LCD TV.  And now thanks to a certain someone who I won't mention, I now have to spend my George Bush money on rent instead of a TV.  

I am going for another walk now to go to Newbury Street to buy new glasses.  I have three pairs and now I want a fourth.  I am going to listen to Celine the entire way.  F-IT!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Things I learned on my two and a half hour walk

1.  A dead bluejay with its eyes open and wings spread apart makes me sad.  It also makes me contemplate the circle of life.

2.  A dead mouse doesn't really make me feel anything.  Even a flat dead mouse.

3.  People don't know which side of the road to walk on.  Isn't it a natural instinct...something you come out of the womb knowing? Right side.  You walk on the right side.

4.  Don't think about ex coworkers when you are walking.  This nice guy smiled at me and I almost gave him the finger because I was thinking about her.

5.  People were smiling at me which means I must not have had bitch face on the whole time.

6.  People who say "on your left" annoy me.  I get it.  Seriously, just go around me.  I have my headphones in anyway and can't hear you and plus I see your shadow.  Just, go around me. 

7.  There are so many beautiful walking trails that go from my house to Boston.  I could get a dog.  Who knew!!

8.  New England is so beautiful.

9.  I actually stopped to look at a community garden and suddenly they don't seem so pretentious.  

10.  I am going to be ok.


I didn't need couples counseling to figure that all out. I needed true friends, a wonderful family and a strong head and heart.  

Now that I said all this, let's get back to what is really important:  making fun of all the idiots in the world.  

If I was dramatic, I would be on Broadway!

I was accused today of being "dramatic".  That is a big time NO-NO in my book of insults.  Don't tell me to calm down, relax or chill out. And DON'T ever tell me I am being dramatic.  I am not dumb. I know that I can be extreme at times.  But, this morning a light went off in my head and I realized things I needed to do to move forward in my life and I think that is very positive.  But to be accused of being dramatic over this newly found light, well that is just not cool!  

I have spent over a year dealing with people who get drunk, who cheat on me, who act like my friends, who act like they care about my well being, who get jealous, who get angry, who want to take care of me on their terms, who want to fire me because of my personality, who want to make me cry so they can hold me, who want to see how far they can push me before I break (which I NEVER will), who want to use me for my talents and then just push me out the door!

Why don't these people realize that they are the ones who need the help.  I am done holding on to people just to say I have people in my life.  I don't need those people. I am a firm believer that people come and go in your life and come for a reason.  I know now when to let these people loose.  I want to tell all the people how I really feel but it won't matter.  They won't change.  They won't understand.  And they will only be jealous that I am moving forward and finding new positive solutions to my life.  Good-bye you fools!  Sorry if you think that is dramatic but you are the ones acting crazy!

Monday, August 18, 2008


There is something seriously wrong when people get on waiting lists to be on couples counseling. I can't even imagine living in a world full of waiting lists.  A list to get married, a list to get married in a church, a list to have your gourmet wedding cake made, a list to put your kid in kindergarden, a list to to go to sex counseling, a list to go to couples counseling, a list to get divorced, a list to pick your burial ground.

I don't even make a list when I go to the grocery store.  I just walk down the aisles and see if I need something.  Or, even better, see if I want something.  

If you need counseling after six months, you DON'T need to be together.  I love how people try to tell me how to live my life and how I should feel in relationships when they have to pay a $20 copay to stay together each week.  It's a joke.  Seriously, a joke.  

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Can you give a child whiskey?

Is it wrong that I wanted to pour an entire bottle of whiskey into the child sitting behind me on the plane on Friday? She was probably 4 or 5 years old and was just:
a: not cute
b: annoying

What is wrong with parents? There was literally NOBODY talking on this flight. Everyone was quiet with the exception of the mother behind me who decided that she needed to read a book to her child. I can't stand baby talk to begin with but when it is forced upon me in the seat behind me on a plane, that is just too much. And she choose to read the book while the plane was landing so I couldn't use my headphones to dffuse the sound of the mother trying to teach her child a lesson about asking for directions or some crap like that. Here's a lesson. Teach your child to be quiet.

When the plane landed, the girl said, "I want to get out of this stupid plane!" I turned around and replied, "Tell me about it, kid."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My cup runeth over.

Literally. I went bra shopping today and my boobs have officially runeth over the C cup. I didn't really want to admit it. I thought I could keep going thinking I was a C. It wasn't until Celine Dion's "Taking Chances" came on in the dressing room that I realized I must bite the bullet and face the fact that I have a very large chest. The truth is I am a D. And also a DD. So I wouldn't be so upset about the DD, I got a 38D and a then a 36DD.

I have no idea how you are supposed to go about finding a bra that fits. However, I have decided from this day forth, I will only bra shop when I am tan. The reason is, all the bras looked great on me because of my newly darkened skin. Also, because I went to the gym twice and have an alien's metabolism and my six pack is starting to form. Not really, but I can see a notable difference from three days ago.

When I finally decide that I don't want to get skin cancer and I stop tanning, then I will also stop wearing bras. Just you wait, ladies. Just you wait.

Why did I delete DETMA?

A few years ago I was on unemployment.  It was my job to call in every week to get my check. Let's just say that is the easiest work I have ever done. I supposed to say that?  Anyway, when I actually found a job, I no longer had to call in.  I decided to keep the number in my contact list on my cell phone under DETMA. I often keep numbers I don't need anymore.  I have know idea who half of the people in my phone are anyway.  I have names like "water person" and "ffj".  Who is ffj?  

I decided a few weeks ago that I would finally take DETMA out of my phone since I have been on a roll and have been working for about two consecutive years.  No...not at the same place.  Let's not be silly.  I thought "hey, I think I am finally at a place where I can take this number out of my phone.  I am growing up.  I am becoming responsible and do I dare say, stable??". 

Well, I woke up at 8:30am this morning to look up the DETMA number because, is time again to be on unemployment.  Maybe this time I'll put it under something else.  Maybe "sio"....stability is overrated.  

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Young Lady

Number of times a manager/boss/CEO, etc. has said "you are in big trouble young lady".  

The answer to that would be TWICE.  Just saying.

3 Mexicans gave my yard a Brazilian

That's right.  I can no longer sing "Welcome to the Jungle" when I get home.  Last week, one of the thorns on the vines next to my door actually cut my throat.  I thought it might be the end.  

I woke up this morning and my yard looks like it was violated.  Big time.  

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I don't want you dick, I just want to say hi

Why is it when people you have slept with in the past come in to town for a visit, and you try to call them to hang out because you are good friends, do they just assume I want to sleep with them so they ignore me?  NEWSFLASH:  I really just wanted to say hi and eat dinner.  Men.  That's why I stick with women.  Women would always eat dinner.

gym-gyminey, gym-gyminey, gym gym giroo

Days since Laura has been to Boston Sports Club:  zero!

That's right.  Today, I officially made it back to the gym.  It really is like riding a bike. Not that I would know since I hardly ever ride a bike or even have a desire to discuss bikes or anything pertaining to bikes or wheels or spokes or rides or anything on that matter.  (That is for a later posting).  

I did an hour on the elliptical and I must say I felt great. I was watching men's water polo on TV but realized very quickly that I have no desire to watch men's water polo on TV. So instead I listened to my shuffle to all my sad and sappy songs.  All the depressing lyrics just made me want to go faster.  Then I listened to my salsa music and realized that I want to learn how to salsa.  I must have been practicing on the elliptical without realizing it though because the next thing I know my keys were falling all over the place and the guy next to me said, "you are making quite a racket".  PS:  when you listen to music rather than watch TV, you can see yourself in the screen like a mirror.  You better believe I was chasing that hot girl in the screen.