Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You know what annoys me #7,757

When I am trying to buy a ticket for something or just check on seating and I have to continue to put the words in. Also, when I put all my information in and my credit card information in and then I have to fill out this word and IT IS NEVER CLEAR. I have to do it over twenty times because you can never read the letters!!!

I just learned I can blog from my phone!

Blogging from phone? Ohhhh this is going to be good!

Word of the day that I just can't deal with


This word confuses me.  I don't understand when grown women or men use it.  When discussing your girlfriend or boyfriend, when exactly did you decide that the word yummy should come into the equation?  If he/she is attractive, use words such as beautiful or gorgeous or sexy or cute or I would say you can go as far as fucktastic.  But yummy? No. 

When describing food, is there any other adjective that you can come up with besides yummy?  If you are talking to a child and you want them to eat their vegetables, then by all means, you can occasionally say "but honey, broccoli is yummy!"  That works.

But grown women or men who say things during a dinner converstation at a nice restaurant like this, "My filet is yummy."  should just be sent home. 

I'm pretty sure if we were friends, I'd make fun of you.  And if we were dating, I'd probably drink some wine to get through that meal and then come up with about 100 different reasons in my mind why we wouldn't work because of the word yummy. 

I was told once, that I "plow through women".  I prefer to use the term "weed out" ones that don't fit. 

So, to summarize

I was talking to my 4 year old nephew the other day (made up i dont' have one) and he didn't want to eat his carrots. And I said to him, "Oliver (because I love that name), eat your carrots...Carrots are yummy."  Then I turned to my hott girlfriend and I said, "hey baby....lets go out tonight for thai food. I can't wait to get my mouth all over that succulent fresh summer roll...I love them. They taste amazing.  Also, you look so good tonight...fucktastic."

Monday, May 24, 2010

If I was to write a profile, this would be it. I'm not going to, I just thought this on my roadtrip and thought I was being very creative.

I would insert a hott picture of me...let's face it, there are a lot.  Then, I would call myself sarcasmishott.  Then my tagline would say this, "Sing along with me...if you don't know the tune, move along, please."

Maybe far away (but I would prefer that you lived in the same state)

or maybe real nearby (but not in my apartment because that won't happen anytime soon)
he may be pouring her coffee (I don't drink coffee)
she may be straightening his tie (don't wear a tie if you want to date me)

Maybe in a house (or a condo in the south end would be nice with exposed brick)
all hiden by a hill (which you will want to climb with me on a saturday)
she's sitting playing piano (hobbies...big bonus..dont be boring)
he's sitting paying a bill (yes, be financially stable. if i want to do something or plan something, i don't want to hear, "i can't afford it")

betcha they're young (be at least 30)
betcha they're smart (oh yes, you must be smart as me at least)
bet they collect things like (i love when people collect things but don't be a hoarder)
ashtrays (don't smoke) and art (how adult...yes do that)

betcha they're good (you must be a good person)
why shoudn't they be? (oh, you should be)
their one mistake (it's ok to make mistakes...just own them)
was giving up me!  (and it will be a big one)

so maybe now its time, (wear cool watches)
and maybe when I wake, (not a morning person unless you feed me pancakes)

they'll be there calling me baby, maybe...

Betcha he reads (please read so we can talk about books)
Betcha she sews (again, hobbies are good)
Maybe she's made me
a closet of clothes (or at least has a sense of style)

Maybe they're strict (not necessary)
As straight as a line (don't be STRAIGHT!)
don't really care (oh please care)
as long as they're mine!

So maybe now these prayers (don't be too religious but it's ok to believe)
the last one of its kind. (i think i'm the last of it's kind so if you are too that's a bonus)
won't you please come get your baby, maybe...

Want to stop and get a coffee?

The next time a friend asks if we should stop and get a cup of coffee I am going to have to rethink my answer.  Drinking alcohol and driving is, as I realized yesterday at around 3pm, almost the same for me as drinking espresso and driving.  Now, obviously there are a lot of differences and there isn't even one slight tiny bit of me who agrees with drinking and driving. In fact, if there was a LADD, I'd join it.  That would be Lesbians Against Drinking and Driving.  Or it could even be Laura Against Drinking and Driving.  There is never a reason to do it. 

Anyway, back to yesterday.  For years, I've been working through my fear of driving. I don't know where the fear came from.  Is it from the near-death experience I had when I was driving when I was 17 and got into a horrific car accident on the highway on my way home?  Maybe.  I don't know.  But, I've always had to work through my fear of driving and I do.  I do work through it. And it's been about 5 months since my last panic attack while driving and it's been awesome. 

Not only have the panic attacks basically disappeared out my system, with the help of my new car, but they haven't even come into my head as something I should be worried about when I do want to go on a trip.  And more than that, because I've been so calm lately, I didn't even worry about my parents on their road trip. It's been amazing. 

Don't get me wrong, I have OCD. So the thoughts come in my head for sure.  But then I let them pass.  They come in, then I let them pass quickly. I'm healing myself!!

Then yesterday happened.  But because I am very self aware, I knew it was happeneing and I spent almost two hours figuring out how to cope with it while driving home and I did it.  And I'm here.  So, that's awesome. 

After 3 hours of driving home from a really fun weekend, I started to feel anxious. Was it talking to my mom and getting frustrated?  Maybe.  Was it thinking about an email I got which affected me?  Maybe.  Was it thinking about my life and relationships and friends?  Maybe.  Was it the fact that I was running out of gas?  Maybe.  Was it the fact that I hadn't eaten anything for hours?  Maybe.  Was it the espresso drink I had a few hours earlier?  Most definitely!  I don't drink caffenine because it makes me anxious.  So, because I've been so non anxious about driving, I think I forgot that so I drank it.  Big mistake. 

About three hours in I started to feel dizzy, and numb.  I don't know if you have ever had a panic attack, but they aren't pretty...but if you can stop your brain and figure it out while it is happening, they pass.  So, I started to get all numb and I could feel my body slowly fade from myself and I got light-headed and I couldn't see straight. I got off the road and got some gas.  Then I drank some water. Then I ate an apple.  Then I texted a couple of people to see if they would maybe contact me to make me feel better.  Only one person did, my sister...thank you sister. 

I got back on the road and just took it really slow and started to do my singing of a hundred bottles of beer on the wall, and laughing at myself and breathing and thinking postiive happy thoughts about my weekend and about myself and my future etc.  It really helped.  I was fine until about 20 minutes until I was home and another one happened.  I think I started to feel really bad about myself for it happenening so it happened again.  But then I calmed myself down again and made it home!!

I think for myself, I need a panic attack sponsors. hahahah....someone who can call me and just say the right things; even if for just a mintue; to bring me back to the Laura I know I am.  I have to find someone I can reach out to like that. 

I'm not perfect. I have my faults. But, here's the thing. I know them.  And I work through them. I ask for help when I need it....albeit that some of the people I ask for help don't have a clue how to help me because they just don't get it. 

I'm a very funny person but when it comes to things like this, sometimes I just need someone to call me and say this, "Laura, you are amazing and strong.  Focus your brain on that.  Breathe.  I'm proud of you."  I say it...but yeah, sometimes, I want to hear it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'll give you my .99 cents fo shiz

You know where you can go to feel good about yourself? The Dollar Store on Cambridge Street. I like to go in there and look at the clientele and just stand in the aisles and listen to their stories. I always leave feeling better about my life. And equipped with cheap sunglasses or candy or a new pair of socks or something too.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm faster...lane!

What is it with people who think they don't need a fastlane pass? Everytime I am in a car with someone without a fastlane pass they say, "why do I need a fastlane pass?"

I'll tell you why? It's faster!!!!! And everytime you go through the toll, you say this. So basically, you DO need a fastlane pass.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Rules of Match

Sometimes I like to go on just to play around and see what they hell is out there.  I often do this when I am feeling vulnerable so I can remind myself that I really am a diamond in the rough and albeit I don't have the best luck in dating, I am much better off than some of those fools on

I came up with a few rules while looking the other day.

1.  Don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page.  Actually.  First, don't say the word "partner". It is gross.  Second, don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page!!!!  Are you kidding me?!  I don't want to read that you have a cat that you love so much that you and your partner bought together and you won in the "divorce".  I know you are a lesbian, but at least save that for the first date you freaking moron.

2.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Really?  Because I would put money down on the fact that when we actually do date, you will sit at home playing Nintendo games and watching sports, drinking Bud Light and listening to Ludacris. 

3.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Why did I just repeat this?  Because that doesn't make you smart.  It makes you boring.

4.  Don't put pictures up of yourself that your ex girlfriend took of you.  Because when she goes online to read your profile to get some laughs, that will just annoy her.

5.  Don't focus so much on the fact that you love to travel.  I love to travel too.  I've been to a lot of places...but when we first start dating, I'm guessing that we are going to stay local. So, tell me some of the things you want to do locally before you tell me how cool you are that you travel so much.

6. If you have been on match for over two years, change your profile picture. That just makes you sad. 

7.  Don't put pictures of you with children. That is just a turn off.  Yes, I am 33.5 and my chances of having a child are getting slimmer, but if we do start dating, it will be a few years before a child is mentioned so take those down. 

8.  Let's face it.  You are on match because you can't find anyone else right now or maybe you are like me and just want to feel better about yourself.  So just be real.  Because people like me, again, (someone who notices things and can read people pretty well), see right through your writing.  So, be real.  If you want a diamond in the rough, be real.

9.  What is real?  For example, if I were to have a profile, which I don't, I'd put a couple of pics of my face.  But then I'd probably just put pictures of my favorite foods.  That way, when you date me, you will know that when you come to my door and bring me Brighams chocolate chip ice cream with you, there is a really good chance that will make me smile.  That is real.  But of course, teaching real can be tiring so I'll save my real lessons for another blog.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Everytime I read it, I still get the chills

The Scorpion is one intense little creature, with enough poison in its own tail to disable or kill a much larger opponent. But the problem with this kind of built-in biological weaponry is that it must be mastered in order to be used most effectively. You Scorpios can use your "stinger" for self-defense, using your powerful emotional awareness to render your opponent harmless. But there is a sexual component of poisonous tail also, and until Scorpio learns to control those strong urges, Scorpio may find yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Scorpio is the only sign that has three animal totems. First, there is the well-known Scorpion with its active tail. Second, as the Scorpio learns to master its passion and hold its instincts at bay, it changes into the Eagle. The Eagle has more perspective, for it flies high above the surface of circumstances, swooping down with its power only to kill prey for food. In its third form, the Scorpion becomes the always-peaceful dove. The real meaning of Scorpio is thus shown. Scorpio is about metamorphosis. Scorpios transform the painful poisons of possessive passion into a higher consciousness based on universal love.

The Scorpio motto might be "What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious." You are the detectives of the zodiac. Your magnetic personality draws others to you. But you can also be secretive yourself, for you learn early on that when you express everything, others may be scared by the power of your feelings. You desperately want to have someone to merge with your feelings, but can become cold and withdrawn when hurt in love. You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all.

Monday, May 17, 2010

You know what annoys me #687

When contestants on Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy say please after each turn.

"I'll take a C, please."  Ok. Maybe for the first turn but after that it should just be obvious.  Kind of like when people sneeze a lot.  One or two sneezes, I'll say bless you.  After that, it is just clear that I meant bless for you for the entire duration of the sneezes.

Same with Jeopardy.  There are a lot of clues people and time is a ticking.  No need for the please.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Luggage Tags

I need to go back to baggage for a few moments here today on this beautiful sunny Sunday.  Today, I am going to wash my car and read my book outside on the porch while my cat plays outside.  Today is awesome.

I just need to go back to baggage (maybe because I want to travel which I do) or maybe because I want to let out some steam.

I think there are two types of people when it comes to baggage.  There are the types of people who like to use their rollaway luggage and carry their baggage with them at all times, rolling it along with them.  They don't like to be too far away from their baggage at any given time; regardless of how annoying that baggage might be for someone else or how much it can hurt when the wheels of that baggage hit your achilles heel.

Then there are the types of people who like to check their baggage when they arrive because it is bulky and heavy and can be a bother when trying to get around.  It might cost a little more to check it and yes of course you have to worry that when you get to your next destination, that baggage might not arrive with you, but they take that chance.  And even if you lose the luggage, you can get new stuff; better stuff.  And when the times comes to pick up that checked baggage, they pick it up and unpack it.  And whether that is through therapy or just becoming more in touch with yourself and your place with other people, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that it gets unpacked.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I've had a kind of frustrating week. I mean, for the most part (about 80%) I'm totally cool and everything is good. But life is full of frustating things and 20% of things to me this week are frustrating and I want to bitch about them for a minute. I can bitch about them. Then I can move on. That's what I do.

I am frustrated that I still don't know what I want to do with my life when it comes to career. And yes....I know some people that have been laid off the past two weeks. (moment of silence for them). Now, back to me. I am frustrated that I don't know what to do with my life sometimes with my career. Yes, I have a job. But I am somebody that needs to be a lot more fulfilled than just having something. I want to feel something for what I have.

I am frustated that people I've dated think they are always hurting me. They aren't. If you tell me that you don't want to be with me, then don't be with me. I will not fight it. I am better than that. You aren't hurting me.

I am frustrated when my sarcasm gets picked on. If you don't like it, then don't like it. But don't pick on it. Don't be critical of it. I am a very sweet person. 80% of the time. Get a backbone for the other 20%.

I am frustrated that yet again, this year, I have no Memorial Day plans. I want somebody to invite me to do something for Memorial Day weekend. I do. Of course I can plan something and ask a bunch of people what they are doing. I've already started. But, sometimes, I just want someone to want to include me in their plans because they want me around. Nothing more than that....that they want me around because it would be fun.

I am frustrated that I haven't had a trip with a girl in the past three years in which I print pictures and weeks later, they aren't my ex. I mean, don't get me wrong, I take lots of self photographs just in case I get an ex so my albums aren't empty. But seriously, it would be nice. I'm not embarassed to say it. I want cute pictures.

Sidenote: I am going to see my friend in Brooklyn next weekend because she asked me to come and wants to see me and I am very happy about that. 80%. And I'll totally get cute pictures of us.

See...I just have to bitch sometimes and then I feel better about the good stuff.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Cards. Table. On. Check.

Am I crazy?

I love my cat so much that I buy health insurance for him. And it's getting more expensive because of his age. (which is 10 and who knew that 5 and 10 were cutoffs for increasing the insurance)!!!????? I told the guy on the phone today that his insurance is going to cost more than my own! Which is not true, because my insurance is so expensive. I work full time and still pay over $250 a month for insurance. Same with dental and I still pay hundreds. What the hell!!???

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Morning Petting

The dictionary version of a pet peeve (or pet hate) is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to them, to a greater degree than others may find it.

I think this is an excellent defintion of a pet peeve. I find that often when I tell people my pet peeves, they acuse me of being a negative person. I disagree. Everyone has pet peeves. If we didn't then we would all do the same things all the time and have the same reactions and the world would be an unbelievably boring place to live. And everyone would go to movies thinking it was okay to rustle in their popcorn bags for the entire duration of the movie (not ok...popcorn should be done by the end of the previews).

How can the popcorn be done by the end of the previews you ask? Simple. Get to the movie early. If you get to the movie at least 15 minutes in advance, then you 15 minutes to eat the popcorn during the trivia questions, another 5-7 minutes during the commericals and then at least another 10 minutes for the previews. That gives you a grand total of 30-37 minutes to eat your bag of popcorn.

My parents have figured out a way to go to movies together and not get on each other nerves and I find this technique incredibly helpful because while I enjoy finishing my popcorn before the movie, I always have candy to eat during the movie. If you put your candy in a plastic bag before you go into the movie, you don't have to listen to the sound of candy in a box and it helps to figure out the lenght of movie:amount of candy left ratio so much easier.

So back to pet peeves: here are a few I thought of while on my way to work this morning.

1. people who give you the evil eye when you come to a sharp stop at an intersection that usually has no cars because a car was coming. I stopped don't have to slow down to a near stop and give me the evil eye. I stopped.

2. lesbians who put the word 'woman' in a song when the actual lyrics say 'man'.

3. paying $15 copays at a doctors office when all she does is take out stitches. I had to come up with something else for her to look at today and get a skin cream perscription just so I could feel my money was worth it!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Things I've noticed about myself today

1. I love when Bad Things comes on my ipod at work. It makes me just sit at my desk and smile for 2:43.

2. I thought I needed Pepto Bismol so I went to the dollar store and bought some. Turns out i just needed an extra large box of Junior Mints instead.

3. I love that I get to wear capri pants again because I look adorable in capri pants. However, I need all new shoes.

4. When I'm happy and myself, good people come out of the woodwork.

5. Transferring data from sheets to excel is boring. I prefer to use excel for other things. Like summarize things.

6. I drink more water now than I ever have because I am told not to. And my 'need water' impression is still making people laugh...3 days later.

7. People who write on fb how we should feel privileged because we live in a privileged society makes me irritated. What's wrong with being privileged? I feel privileged to be privileged.

8. I love when my legs burn from working out the day before. I can feel my calves getting hotter.

9. I have a calf muscle fetish.

You know what makes me happy #2

When I look at people that I have known in my past wedding fb pics and they just look...really happy. I love wedding pics that are natural...weddings that show people just having fun and looking happy. I like that.