Rules of Match

Sometimes I like to go on match.com just to play around and see what they hell is out there.  I often do this when I am feeling vulnerable so I can remind myself that I really am a diamond in the rough and albeit I don't have the best luck in dating, I am much better off than some of those fools on match.com.

I came up with a few rules while looking the other day.

1.  Don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page.  Actually.  First, don't say the word "partner". It is gross.  Second, don't talk about your ex partner on your profile page!!!!  Are you kidding me?!  I don't want to read that you have a cat that you love so much that you and your partner bought together and you won in the "divorce".  I know you are a lesbian, but at least save that for the first date you freaking moron.

2.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Really?  Because I would put money down on the fact that when we actually do date, you will sit at home playing Nintendo games and watching sports, drinking Bud Light and listening to Ludacris. 

3.  Don't tell me you love to sit at coffee shops and listen to NPR.  Why did I just repeat this?  Because that doesn't make you smart.  It makes you boring.

4.  Don't put pictures up of yourself that your ex girlfriend took of you.  Because when she goes online to read your profile to get some laughs, that will just annoy her.

5.  Don't focus so much on the fact that you love to travel.  I love to travel too.  I've been to a lot of places...but when we first start dating, I'm guessing that we are going to stay local. So, tell me some of the things you want to do locally before you tell me how cool you are that you travel so much.

6. If you have been on match for over two years, change your profile picture. That just makes you sad. 

7.  Don't put pictures of you with children. That is just a turn off.  Yes, I am 33.5 and my chances of having a child are getting slimmer, but if we do start dating, it will be a few years before a child is mentioned so take those down. 

8.  Let's face it.  You are on match because you can't find anyone else right now or maybe you are like me and just want to feel better about yourself.  So just be real.  Because people like me, again, (someone who notices things and can read people pretty well), see right through your writing.  So, be real.  If you want a diamond in the rough, be real.

9.  What is real?  For example, if I were to have a match.com profile, which I don't, I'd put a couple of pics of my face.  But then I'd probably just put pictures of my favorite foods.  That way, when you date me, you will know that when you come to my door and bring me Brighams chocolate chip ice cream with you, there is a really good chance that will make me smile.  That is real.  But of course, teaching real can be tiring so I'll save my real lessons for another blog.