Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Monday, December 29, 2008

Snap, Crackle, Crunch, Slap

I need to work on my new invention. Silent popcorn bags and a silencer to put in people's mouths at the movies when they eat popcorn. I don't know why, but the sound of the crunching bag and the munching people makes my insides feel all creepy. And I am sure I annoy people when I eat popcorn at the movies but I can't hear it.

It seriously never fails that when I go to the movies, there is either a single person eating a large bag or a couple eating a large bag. I am not sure what is worse. I think it might be the couple because they take a huge mound in their hands and pop in in their mouths and then they talk to their partner. "honey, did you notice the juxtoposition of the genre of the melodramatic cinematography?"

One Fine Day

I love this movie. I just watched it. I love when the little girl says, "he just wants to find a fish who isn't afraid of his dark chocolate layer."

i also love that this same little girl is ann on arrested development.

i also love that i was supposed to work today but instead i watched one fine day.

Laura's New Years Resolutions

Now, I know it is the "cool" thing to say, "I don't believe in resolutions. I think you should be your best all the time." And trust me, I am the first one to say that. But this year, I decided to make some resolutions that I think will help to better myself.

So here goes...

1. Dance to at least three songs everyday in my living room with the music on full blast. Preferably at around 1am to annoy my upstairs neighbor who thinks it is fun to throw his trash in my yard and make spaghettios for dinner every night which I can smell.

2. Eat more spaghettios so my upstairs neighbor can smell them.

3. Complain about my car only once a day rather than three times.

4. Take all of memory boxes out and organize them and throw out the memories I don't want to keep anymore.

5. Limit myself to one memory box a year.

6. Laugh at myself at least twice a day. Laugh at other people at least ten times a day.

7. Find a ALF t-shirt.

8. Bake more.

9. Get a flat screen TV.

10. Go to Iceland.

11. Grow my hair so I can put it in cute ponytails.

12. Cut my hair while I am growing it because it is driving me crazy.

13. Curse myself for cutting my hair before I could get it in cute ponytails.

14. Dye it black.

15. Ask someone out on a date.

16. Not an imaginary person.

17. Try sushi. *This is still up in the air. I am not sure I am ready for that step in my life.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


I was just reading a friend's facebook page about how she loved Slumdog Millionare and it made me realize that I never actually talked about how amazing this movie is.

It has been years since I was so moved at a movie. I go to movies all the time and I pretty much cry at all dramatic movies. Unless they involve Kate Hudson. She just annoys me. Not that she does dramatic roles. I think she tried once. She won a Golden Globe for it. Questionable. Anyway.... I don't always believe in fate and destiny and soulmates but this movie for a second, made me think that it could happen. Actually, I need to rephrase, I don't believe in soulmates. I do however believe in fate and destiny. I do think things happen for a reason.

At the end of this movie, I actually let out a sigh. I couldn't believe how powerful it was. It made me think for a second, that maybe things really do happen for the best.

I am going to buy the movie poster and hang it up in my living remind me.


I have been having the craziest dreams lately. So many involve people from my past. And they also involve things like swinger parties. I was so pissed when my alarm went off the other day. It was more excitement in my dream then I have had for months!!! I was like, "quick...get me a sleeping pill, I want to go back!"

I looked up swinger in my dreambook and it wasn't there. So then I looked up sex and turned to page 126. Here is what it told me about my dream.

To dream that you are having or have had a pleasurable sexual experience, denotes happiness and contentment in your personal relationships. Hmmmmm. Not so much.

To dream of watching others have intercourse, denotes an inability to be part of a successful, satisfying relationship. Hmmmmmm. Interesting.

To dream of joyless sexual relationships, is a warning that you will be contemplating some undertaking which, if carried out, will steep you in disgrace and guilt. That's more like it!!

Seducer: for a young woman to dream of being seduced (i suppose a swinger party would include that), foretells that she will be easily influenced by showy person. Watch out showy persons!!!

Hold my tongue

I am going to do the unthinkable and actually hold my tongue for a moment here. "somebody" made a comment on one of my last entries. It sounds like something one of my ex girlfriends may have written. So, let's just say, if you are my ex girlfriend, could you please stop reading my blog. There, how nice was that? See...I can be nice. I said please.

Also, you may want to look at my blog entry titled, "creepy". Just saying. Damn, I tried to hold it. I really did.

Total Elliptical of the Heart

I do the elliptical for an hour a day. I listen to Beyonce's "Halo" for almost the entire time. Is that weird?


Hey....if you are reading this blog, welcome. Thanks for the pancakes. ;)

Friday, December 26, 2008

Thing that annoy me #2

When you run a mile or something and then a "runner" or as I like to call them "crazy, insane person" says to you, "oh my god. congrats. you should TOTALLY run a marathon with me!"

Just because you want to be nuts and destroy your body in a marathon doesn't mean I want to. When someone says to me, "I just ate a hamburger" I don't scream out, "oh my god, you should TOTALLY come kill a cow with me!"

freaking runners.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


Okay. I did the whole Xmas cheer thing. I sent cards. I sent out texts. Some people texted me back. Most ignored me. Yeah...Merry xmas. What I am really sick of though is how everyone is using facebook to tell us how wonderful their freaking xmas is. How cute their kids are in santa hats and santa tshirts and sitting on the tree and how cute they look playing with their new elmo doll. I get it.

I am a single, 32 year old chick with no husband or wife or kid. Last night, on xmas eve, i sat on my parents floor and watched a nazi movie. Yeah, that's right. merry xmas eve to me.

Can we all get back to real life now and forget about xmas. please. thank you.

And i really look forward to seeing the pics of your kids in their cupid outfits in a couple of months.

Laura Leary

I am reading Dennis Leary's new book, "Why We Suck" and I love it. Mostly because I could have written it. I have that angry, witty, sarcastic humor that he does and I pretty much think all the same things. I just haven't written them all down in a book. Yet.

Just the other day I was thinking that we should just give Texas over to the terrorists and be done with it. If we could just tell these guys/gals, hey, "take texas and leave us the hell alone." i think all would be better in this country. Let's be honest, all we will miss is Austin anyway. That is the only thing people around here ever say. "I don't like Texas. Well, i guess Austin is cool."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Things that annoy me #1

People who use the phrase and/or more than five times a day.

name game

Here's something I don't understand. Parents who name all their children with the same first letter. Also. Parents who name their children Paige or Jade.


Is it bad that I get really stressed out at all the movies I want to see? Why the hell can't I just be happy about my favorite thing to do? Urgh. My brain. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't left the house in three days. Maybe it's all the fried food. Maybe I need to make an excel spreadsheet. Yeah, that will do it. I will make a spreadsheet on the movies I need to see.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Home Sweet Ass Home

Top five things about being in Nashua

1. Steam shower
2. Mom cooks for me.
3. Chinese take-out
4. Steam shower
5. Steam shower

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Cats...the Musical

You know what I love? The fact that Snowball loves when I sing musicals to him. Every time I do, he relaxes and purrs and puts his head into my chin. Love it.

Solar Power

I was thinking today about the idea of soul mates. Actually, I was thinking about it on my way to the grocery store to get more tea. Now, my thoughts might have something to do with the fact that I've had more organic tea in my system in the last week then I ever thought I would. I actually just bought more. I can't stop drinking tea because it is the only thing that is making my throat feel better.

Anyway, I was thinking about soul mates. And I decided today that I don't believe in them. I don't believe that there is one person out there for you. I don't believe that there is one person who will cure you and make the world okay for you and be there for you and support you and know you inside and out.

There isn't a tea that can do that. So how the heck can there be a person who can? Seriously though, what if your soulmate dies? What if you never meet your soulmate? What if you decide to never go to Whole Foods again and get organic tea? Then what? Then, you are just fucked. And nobody wants that.

Friday, December 12, 2008


I would like to start some discussion here on my blog.  Please comment.

What the fuck do you mean when you write the words haha in an email or text?  


Thank you.


creep . y:  
-adjective, creepier, creepiest
1.  having or causing a creeping sensation of the skin, as from horror or fear:  a creepy ghost story.
2.  that creeps:  a creepy insect.
3.  Slang.  of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is a creep; obnoxious; weird.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My "Ah-Ha" Moment

You know what annoys me?  Oprah's fucking Ah-Ha moments.  Also, when white guests on the show try to talk like Oprah.  

Things crazy roommates have actually said to me...Number 1

Scene - living room in new apartment two weeks after move-in date with complete stranger

Crazy:  "I don't know why you care if don't unpack my boxes in the kitchen.  You are never here. You don't even care about me."

Me: "Am I supposed to care about you?"

Top 10 things I learned while being sick

1.  I really wish I bought those straws the other day.  It is so much more fun to drink juice with a straw.
2.  There are way to many teas to choose from in the grocery store.  And I'm talking Stop-N-Shop.  I didn't even go to freaking Whole Foods.  I don't like green tea, even though I suppose that is something I am going to have to start drinking for my health.  I went with peppermint.  That's green.
3.  I have been really whiny and that is just not fun.
4.  I get really bummed that my muscles are sore and not because I went to the gym.  I miss the gym.
5.  The one week I am on the couch all the time, freaking Oprah is all repeats.  Please.  The one on today is about Sex and the City.  NO thank you.  
6.  When I am sick, Snowball is sick.  How cute is that.
7.  The holiday season can be such a drag.  It gets dark at 4 and people are always busy shopping and going to parties.  I do not have those parties to go to, especially since I work as a contractor and don't have company parties to go to.  
8.  I am however excited that I can be part of decorating a tree on Saturday.  
9.  When you wake up with your eyes glued closed and it isn't conjunctivitus, which I don't have, does that mean, I've been crying too much at movies?
10.  I suppose when I am sick, I realize that maybe, probably not, but maybe....I could use a roommate and/or a girlfriend.  No...not really.  Maybe just a friend who could bring me soup.  Nobody ever comes to Watertown, though.  

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I'm watching movies about depression and bipolar and schizophrenia and austism. This got me thinking about what it means to be crazy.  And I'm going to go ahead and put it out there that the only thing that I know is crazy fo shizzle, is when people say things to me like, "I'm falling.  Will you catch me."  That is all I know.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008


I just decided that when I get married, I am going to serve pancakes for the meal.  

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Lesbian, books and coffee

I decided that I want to do a coffee table book on the hot belts that lesbians wear.  I just need to round up the lesbians.  And what is even more perfect, is that is doesn't matter what their faces look like....I'm just documenting the belts.  Unless they are hot of course, then I'll include faces.  

Round em up lesbians.  Round em up.

What I really want is a pure girl

Top 10 things I learned on Friday night at Pure.
1.  lesbians are scary.
2.  90% of all lesbians hide behind their own stereotypes.
3.  lesbians really need to stop wearing popped collars.
4.  lesbians are so gross in the bathroom. 
5.  obviously since all girls are gross in the bathroom.  
6.  i can dance longer than any lesbian.  freaking try me.  I dare you.
7.  lesbians love to drink bottles of beer by holding them on the top rather than the middle.
8.  lesbians wear the sexiest belts I have ever seen.
9.  lesbians worry so much about what they look like that they forget to smile, which is probably the number 1 turn on.
10.  i am going to be single for a really long time i think.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Only One?

So it is time for me to go to the movies 3-4 times a week.  I have to get them all in so I can write my Oscar predictions.  Maybe I'll even go all out this year and do my Golden Globe predictions.  That may be pushing it.  

Anyway, I often go to the movies alone.  Actually, now that I am single and my best movie friend has moved out of town, I pretty much only go alone.  When I say I love going to the movies, I mean I love going to the movies.  I would much prefer going to the movies than sitting at a dive bar having useless conversation with a bunch of idiots.  

Tonight, I went up to get my ticket and the guy screamed out, "only one???"  I was like, yeah, buddy.  This is freaking Coolidge Corner Artsy Fucky Theatre.  People go to movies alone all the time here so they can seem mysterious and knowledgeable.  I go for popcorn with butter, candy and a way to stop hearing people talk for a few seconds.

Two things happened to me in the theatre tonight.  1.  The entire theatre was empty.  This is a huge theatre.  Finally, people began to come in but seriously, there were like 3 rows empty in front and behind me.  This girl came in and literally sat down next to me talking on her cell phone.  She looked at me and sat down and then took out her Indian food to eat at the movies.

The sound of people eating popcorn makes me crazy enough.  I couldn't even begin to think what would happen if I stayed in that seat.  I got up and ran to CVS to go buy some candy. candy.  I came back and sat somewhere else.

2.  After the amazing movie, I was feeling good.  That was until a mouse ran across the aisle.  bllahhahahh. 

Train This!

Is it just me or are the trainers at the gym coming up with stranger and stranger things to do with their clients.  I swear I won't be surprised if tomorrow at the gym I see the trainer put down some lillypads and make their clients jump around like a frog.  

Do what I do.  Get on the elliptical and save your knees from running.  Pick up some free weights and work on your calves.  Easy.


Can somebody please, please, please tell Tony Bennett that he doesn't have to make a new Christmas album every year.  Seriously...I am sure the past 20 years of his music will suffice.  

Monday, December 1, 2008


Well, the time came again that I was able to go to a boring wedding.  Why do people spend so much money to have really boring weddings that really don't look like they have any meaning at all for the bride and groom.  

If I get married.  Or, when I get married I should say.  Because I am going to find someone to marry me.  Guy, girl....doesn't matter.  Somebody is going to marry me one day so I can have my flatware and dinnerware sets.  

Seriously, wedding would include dancing, friends and good music.  There will not be 150 of my parents closest friends at this wedding.  

I will not have a checklist of things that need to happy at my wedding.  There will be a cake.  Obviously.  There will probably be two cakes.  There will be pretty flowers.  There will a Celine Dion song.  There will be pigs in a blanket.  And there will be a HUGE honeymoon.  The money will be spent on the four week long honeymoon.  

There will be pretty bridesmaids.  I don't need ugly people wacking up my scene.  

Question from two weeks ago

Why is it in the lesbian world, that many lesbians don't feel the need to wear pants that don't fit them?  I understand the baggy thing.  I even have some cargo looking pants myself. But why do they wear pants that are basically falling off of them when their fat bellies are hanging out.  Nobody needs to see that shit.