Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Monday, July 26, 2010

The top ten things I learned on the 3 day this time...oh crap.

1.  When you take immodium on Saturday morning, it will be very hard to move by Sunday night.
2.  When you eat filet on Friday night and then take immodium on Saturday that makes it even harder to move on Sunday.
3.  Sunchips must have a lot of fiber.  Even the non assorted kinds.
4.  Mind over matter....especially the shitty kind.
5.  It's best to wear shorts with velcro on Sunday when you decide to will yourself not to shit until Sunday night.
6.  When you decide that willing yourself not to shit is a good idea, understand that you will look pregnant in most of your photos on Sunday.
7.  If you look pregnant in most of your photos on sunday, it's totally okay to load up on more salty snacks.
8.  Don't be jealous when your friends shit in the portie and you refuse to.
9.  When all else fails, dance.
10.  If you ever want to feel skinny; take immodium for two days, eat a lot of salt, get home and then wake up the next morning looking really tiny.

I bet you were expecting some deep emotions about the 3 day.  If you know me,  you know this cause and this event is near and dear to my heart.  Now you know what it does to my colon.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


So I'm reading the Improper Bostonian Best of and I quickly glanced at the gay section.  And they quickly talked about dyke night at Bella Luna, it made me think...

Going out as a lesbian in Boston is kind of like parking in Somerville. Confusing.  You know the signs I'm talking about...where you can only park every other Wednesday on the right hand side between 8-10 from April-May and then every Thursday on the left from 6-9 from November-June except if it falls on the third Wednesday then you can only park on Fridays.

Huh!?  Why can't I just go out. And be gay. And just go out to eat. And go dancing.  Why does it have to be this complicated???

Grape (fruit) disaster of 2010

I posted something a few months ago about how happy I was that I finally figured out how to cut a grapefruit in half but I needed a grapefruit spoon to eat it.  Well, I have backtracked....I still obviously can't figure out how to cut it..I don't have a spoon to eat it with and the plastic ones at work just don't "cut" it.  This was a disaster.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I should just date myself

I am always putting myself out on a limb with people. I embarass myself a lot.  I try my hardest to make new friends and meet new people; and hope that eventually one of those new people could eventually turn into someone I date; or even *gasp* a healthy relationship. 

The problem is I am starting to think that people are really not seeing how terrific I am; seeing myself the way I see myself.  And isn't that what we learn about all the time on Oprah or Dr. Oz or self-help books or therapy or Seasame Street or whatever???  That we should love ourselves and then someone can then in turn love us.

But what happens when we do love ourselves and we do see ourselves as great people who deserve greatness is return but others can't? Or won't? Or just don't even really put any thought into it at all? Then what?  Where does that leave us?

I'll tell you where that leaves me.  I'm going to just start asking myself out on email and text messaging.  And then when I receive that email and text message, I'm going to respond to it.  If I am busy at the moment, I'll say something like, "hey laura! i'm swamped right now..I'll text you later." If I just don't think I am someone I want to talk to anymore I'll text back quickly, "hey, i just don't think the time is good to talk to you. But good luck to you."  Or if I am interested in going out with myself I'll say, "hey laura, i'm psyched you wrote.  it made me smile. can't wait to hang." 

But I most definitley will not ignore myself if I text or email myself.  This much.  This much I know.  I guess it comes from the place where if I want to talk to someone, I will communicate with them.  If I want something, I will go for it. But I've also learned that if I don't want something, it makes it so much easier to just say I don't want that out loud too. 

Dating wouldn't disappoint or be as hard if people could just be as open as me.  Therefore, I should just date myself. Because I definitley want to date a girl with a belt buckle like this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

If I could draw my perfect woman

This would be it.

Drew Barymore is the perfect woman. 


I had a dream last night and I always like to analyze my own dreams.  I was in a hair I had never been in before.  I had a hairdresser I've never seen before cutting my hair except my hair was darker and longer.  She gave me a very boring cut.  I looked like one of those afghan dogs.  Then my actual hairdresser came up to me and said, "Laura, what happened to your hair?  You need to get the color back in and fix that!" and then I found out it was going to cost me another $110 to do that.  But then she started to cut my hair for me and she kept hugging me and when she was done, my hair looked great again.

Then I woke up.

So, I will now analyze this dream.

I went to bed last night thinking that I didn't like the way my hair looks in a hat or in a bandana anymore right now because it is too short (although I love my hair).  I was worried that the color change wasn't bold enough.  Then I probably started thinking about one my exes who once told me that if I was a dog, I'd be an afghan.  WTF?  I remember that converstation

Me:  "If I was a dog, what kind do you think I'd be?"
Her:  "An afghan."
Me:  "Those are the dumbest dogs in the world!  That's just great."
Her:  "hahahaha"
 (sidenote...this is the same chick who called me scarface and told me that she didn't want to have children with me because they would turn out crazy.)

Anyway, then last night I was thinking that it has been so long since I've had any touch of any kind and all I want is someone to run their hands through my hair.  But I don't want to keep spending all this money to date if the girls aren't going to be into it with me and give back what I give in! 
I mean, I am all about passion and I WANT passion and I won't settle for anything less...but sometimes I'd even settle for just a quick hand in my hair or a rub of the shoulder.

Come on!!!  Then I woke up.  Now, I'm at work.

Monday, July 12, 2010


My favorite conversation that happened at Redbones this weekend:

Friend:  Are you a Scorpio Laura?
Me:  Yes.  How can you tell (as I sit quietly all night when I'm usually very talkative)
Friend:  For three reasons.  You are hard to pin down.  You are dramatic (slightly) and you are very sexy.
Me:  You mean pin down like tie down?  Because that is also very Scorpio.
Friend:  No, I mean pin down...figure you out.
Me:  Oh, yeah, that too.

Ahhh...that's what cyrstal clear means

The more time I spend with good people, the more I realize how much time I wasted with the not so good people.  And I think it is important sometimes to remember the not so good people to help me keep balanced.  It works the same with anything in life; if you eat a bad meal you can welcome the good ones so much more.  If you watch a bad Meg Ryan movie (which let's face it since Addicted to Love has been all of them), then you can appreciate When Harry Met Sally all that much more.

Today on the way to work, I started to think for a few minutes about one of my bad relationships; and not in a depressing way. I just thought about the person I was in that relationship; one year ago today. a week, one year ago today.  And I realized this morning that I am the same hopeful person I was in that not so good relationship; but now I am open and ready to let only a good girl in. 

I am a romantic.  This might surprise you but I am.  I am a believer in love and that I will find love one day.  That someone will allow me to do all the things I think about all the time and not be afraid of it....and even better provide it back to me without me asking; or even realizing it is happening. 

I digress for a few lines there because almost a week ago today I was in Iceland. And I remember making a wish in a wishing well.  Of course I can't tell you what the wish was. Above is a picture of this wishing well.  The water in Iceland was pure...cyrstal clear.  Perfect.  I snorkeled in it.  I remember throwing my Icelanic Kronur in the water and closing my eyes and making this wish and then watching the Kronur land on the bottom.  I remember the feeling of romance I had in my heart at the exact moment and the warmth I felt.  And I remember my girlfriend at the time having no clue what I wished for; not a clue.  And that is what is different from me and other girls.  I WANT my girlfriend to know what I wished for. I want her to feel it to.

So, my wish that I wished for for this July 17 hasn't officially come true; but I still feel it. I still remember it.  I still long for it and hope for it.  And I know with patience, maybe some luck and maybe just somebody seeing me for can still happen.  And I don't rush it.  I am not in NEED of a relationship now but I WANT one.  And for now, I continue to work on my relationship with anyone I meet and with myself.

Friday, July 9, 2010


I had the weirdest dream last night.  I can't remember every piece of it but it had a few different scenarios in it that I thought were interesting.

It started with me wanting tickets to the Oprah show.  I ended up in line and then I had to get to the front of the line and I was with my family.  But we were late so we weren't able to get the front of the line. Then my mom decided to have lunch but I really wanted to go so I ended up in the woods.  I guess to get to the Oprah show we had to hike in the woods through all these windy roads.  Finally, I got to my hotel room and I couldn't move. I really wanted to go to the show but nobody else wanted to go with me.  I tried to put on my sneakers but I couldn't get them on. Then I got a text from my mom that said, "you can take care of it. I'm out of it."  Then, I remember feeling really frustrated and I got to the restaurant where my mom was eating and had a temper trantrum in front of her friends because I wanted to go to the show but my stepfather and sister were nowhere to be found and then I found out they went to the show because they didn't think I wanted to go!

I'm going to out on a limb and say this is a little like my life sometimes. I always want to do things...have a hard time always finding people to do them with....then find out they do them but don't think to ask me.  So, then I end up going out to eat. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I know today is slow

because my favorite conversation has been this

Boss:  Where are we eating lunch?
Me:  Don't yell at me but I think we should get snack wraps at McDonalds.
Boss:  Let me look up the sodium content.
Me:  (as I roll my eyes and dramatically go back to my office) Eat rice paper then!!!!!!!
Boss:  Fine I'll go but you might as well have a hamburger.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Real L Word

So my friend and I decided to bite the bullet so to speak and watch the Real L word on Showtime.  I don't really need to say too much more about that except, "Really?" and if you know me at all you can probably hear my voice when I say that.  That phrase is kind of my trademark.  That and "Seriously?"

So I won't discuss it too much except to bring forth a few phrases that I hope I never, ever, ever, ever have to hear when dating or have a girlfriend.  (These are in addition to the 10 phrases I hope I don't have to hear in 2010 which I wrote earlier this year.)

1.  Lust is easy.  Love is scary.   (blow me.  really???  both are easy. and scary.  but just do it.  enough with the drama.)

2.  I think I have finally become adjusted to your breast reduction.

3.  Babylove (written on a card).  No.  yes, i LOVE being called baby...but not babylove. 

I would also prefer to never have my girlfriend get drunk and tell me to move out and then make burnt pancakes for me on a piece of shit camping frying pan the next morning.  I would also prefer to not have my girlfriend take off her shirt outside at a bar and sit on another girl's lap because I was too busy to hang with her that night.  I would also prefer not to have an anorexic girlfriend. 

And as disgusting as Jill and Nikki are....I too would have put a video on the flip for my girlfriend and hope she would apprecite it.  Because that is the kind of stuff I do.  Does anyone else do that!!???? If you do, come and get me.  Just don't call me babylove.