Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I wish it was 2010

As the year...and alas, the decade winds down, I was thinking about the things I wish for in 2010 and beyond. And I would like to share them with you. My loyal 6 readers.

1. I wish more people would read my blog.
2. I wish that I could stop eating all the cookies on my desk and that when I offer people cookies at work they stop saying, "oh I couldn't possibly."
3. I wish people on facebook would stop asking me to use their status updates as a chance to plug their own passions, beliefs and causes.
4. I wish I could stop boring myself with my own anxieties.
5. I wish Meghan Fox would stop pretending she is a good actress.
6. I wish I had a really hot spin instructor who winked at me everytime I went in and then one day asked me out on a date.
7. I wish people could stop saying they are spiritual.
8. I wish I had more use for scotch tape at work.
9. I wish I could open the shades in my apartment without fear that the weird man living next to me who smokes cigars won't have a peep show everyday.
10. I wish The Cranberries would come up with a new album.
11. I wish my eyebrows would miraculously look fabulous everyday rather than having to wax them every week.
12. I wish that on my way to my car everyday from work a man would stop saying, "hola senorita."
13. I wish televsion shows would stop taking 5 week breaks.
14. I wish there really was a National Sarcasm Society and I would be the office manager, because you know anyone higher up wouldn't do anything anyway.. ;)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I love Christmas!

Because I get to go to a bunch of movies. I love going to the movies. Tonight I am going to see Up in the Air. Tomorrow, It's Complicated. I might even squeeze in Sherlock Holmes. I will not be seeing Precious. I am all set with that depressing crap right now. I can just poke my head out the window at work if I want to see that. I'll wait until the last minute before my Oscar predictions for that one.

Anyway, Merry Christmas Everyone!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Two sides to every man. One side to every woman

I am often told by people that they have no idea I am gay. What does that even mean? Do I need to wear a sign on my forehead that says I am gay. Do I need to wear special clothes. Do I need to act a certain way? I can pull off a wife beater and boy shorts the same as a dress and heels. It's just the way I am.

Often a question asked to me is, "why you are gay" and I have been struggling to come up with this answer to this question for years. And the more and more I ask myself and the more and more I am asked, the answer is this. "Because I am." I love men. I love women. And I do find that men can take that answer easier than woman.

Women are looking for complete answers. Testaments to why we are a certain way. And I can't give that. I love men because they make me laugh. Because they are so nuts in the way they do things. I love women because they are more sensitive. Because they can see the world in a more creative way.

I am a man. I am a woman. Okay. Maybe I am more a gay man. But that's neither here nor there.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Laura's 2010 New Years Resolutions Part I

It's that time of year again to start thinking about New Years Resolutions and Year Mottos. I did everything on last years list except buy a flatscreen TV. I bought the Alf shirt but it never came. So here it goes.

2010: Just Live

#1 Go to Nashville, TN. (Already booked the tix so I thought I'd start easy here.)
#2 Take a Zumba class.
#3 Lose 15 pounds and/or look like I did when I used to do pilates everyday.
#4 Get a different car.
#5 Go to San Fran.
#6 Cook at least one dinner a week.
#7 Stop trying to be accepted by groups of people who don't matter.
#8 Foucs on the small amount of people who care about me and really do like being around me.
#9 Take at least 2 classes from CCAE.
#10 Buy a really great camera and at least once a month do a creative photo shoot.
#11 Write 5 chapters of my book.
#12 Try to only go into Sprint 2 times about my piece of crap phone.
#13 If necessary, throw only one piece of electronic equipment against a wall in a fit of anger.
#14 Buy 2 different URLs for ideas I have just in case.
#15 Find a new apartment. One where I can have a plant. And my cat back.
#16 Really mean it when I say "I don't give a shit."
#17 Start planning my South American vacation.
#18 Ski or snowboard once.
#19 Surf.
#20 Go somewhere warm.
#21 Try fish eggs. (Oh yeah....Zippy that one is for you. Check.)

Just Live

So I randomly opened up an article on a magazine on my desk. The magazine is titled BP. Bipolar. Why, do you ask, do I have this magazine on my desk. Because of where I work obviously. I am trying to find movies for the film festival I am planning and Mariska Hargitay is on the cover. And she is hot.

Anyway, I opened to an article titled, "Discovering a NEW approach to RELAXATION" and it is exactly what I think about. I will quote it..

"I used to feel a bit of a failure when I couldn't just sit down and find the relaxing experience so many people were raving about. Then I understand my problem-relaxation techniques tend to be very subjective and have one thing in common: They are about adding something to your life to relax, rather than removing the behaviors that contribute to your stress in the first place." Then she gave a list of things she has REMOVED in order to relax (stressful relationships, taking on too much, watching the media, alcohol, pot, meditation and excercise). This woman is my hero. Excercise is great but can be over-stimulating. The best way to discover the rewards of relxation are to: sit in a hot tub, sing, take hike, paint, read, remove clutter from the house.

Life is so big. And so scary. And there is so much to do. And when people like the woman who wrote this article; and me, take on the world, we are left wildly disappointed.

Then she expalained unexpected relaxation and how to achieve it:

- turn off computer at least two hours before bed
- say no when you would normally say yes; say yes when it will lead to a calmer you
- play with your animals on their terms, not yours
- think of what you can remove tomake life more relaxing
- hang out with relaxing people while not doing anything specific
- say goodbye to people who are more stressful than relaxing

I really believe that people who suffer from mental illness of any kind; when they learn how to live with it in a way that suits them; have a much higher insight to life.

Getting cold feet

I am in a dilema. On one foot, I feel, "I am too old to be cold". On the other foot, "I don't want to spend my money on heat." Therefore, in the irony that ends all irony, my two favorite places to be are in my office and in my car.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why Jewish people don't do yankee swaps

Seriously. Everytime I buy something reasonably nice, I end up with this. I really have nothing else to say about this.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

ok seriously...

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "talk to me in baby talk because that is the best way to get my attention?". Thank god for this blog sometimes. It allows me to "scream" out loud instead of actually scream out loud and then most likely get canned.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

You know waht annoys me #6,358

When people ask me if I voted. Shut up. Get off your high horse. Stop annoying me. Do you really care if I voted. And why is this the first time you ever said anything to me at work ever in the over a year since I've been here?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

That's kind of crummy!

Everyday on my way to work I drive through Harvard Square. I pass the homeless people holding signs on the street near the stop lights. Now, I understand that there are many reasons people are homeless and it does make me feel. And I know I should keep granola bars in my car to pass out. I worked at a homeless shelter in development for a year. I get it. There are many reasons. However, this morning I had a headache. And one of the homeless men had a nicer jacket on than me. And he was throwing bread to the birds. And I was thinking, "shouldn't you be eating that?".

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Lady Gag Gag

I am all set with Lady Ga Ga. What is with her anyway. She can't even sing. And she isn't even pretty. And really all she does is make lesbians want to dress like her. She looks like a crack whore. Do you really want to look like a crack whore. Or as on the AMAs...a crack whore with flashing lights?

Monday, November 9, 2009

I am postitive these people are going to make me crazy

Why do people have to constantly write caring, inspriational things on people's facebook status updates. when i write something sarcastic, i don't need inspriational. And I am beginning to think that most other people feel the same. \

Keep your annoying postive remarks to yourself. Douchebags.

Monday, November 2, 2009

You know waht annoys me #3,458

Why the rush at the grocery store checkout? Why can't I have 15 seconds to put my debit card back in my wallet and fold up my receipt in my purse before I get pushed out of the way by the next customer?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Expression of the day that annoys me to the point of exhaustion

"You're the man!"

Why is it at work that people are called, "the man" when they actually are just doing their job? Why do people get rewarded for doing their job? Oh, cause non profits have to do that because they can't give actual things like bonuses. So, we have to take 8x10 paper certificates and someone saying, "Thank you for all you do".

Monday, October 26, 2009

I am PMSing but there is one thing I love today!

I love the spot on a stapler that looks like a face. You know...the spot on the bottom that shows the two different angles you can staple in. It looks like two eyes and a mouth. I love it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Lying Lie-ers

You know who I can't stand? Lying liars. And the lying liars I am talking about here are people who say they don't watch tv! Lying liars. Or people who don't own a TV. Really? Liars. You know why? Because even if they don't own a TV, you know they are watching their favorite tv shows at work on Hulu or on their phone....or on you tube. Oh yes they are! So why don't you just admit you watch tv. Nobody cares and really we would think more of you if you did.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Catch me on a good second

I live with extreme highs and lows. Not bipolar extremes.....more like life extremes. I can go from annoyed to laughing my ass off within a two minute period. Oh wait...I am getting my period soon...must be it. Except, I am always like that! God damn son of a bitch! That's awesome...

Thank god I have a sense of humor to get through the maze of myself. Yesterday, I was walking to my car from work and I was thinking, "urgh. this place. urgh. these people" and then I saw someone from work and he looked sad and I was like, "awww....poor guy. I wish I could make him feel better."

It's a constant battle between my sarcastic wise-ass can't stand the world side and my unbelievable empathetic, caring and want to help the world side.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Macy's Confuses me Sexually

While I know I am a lesbian, there are still times when I have to question this. One such time is when I go to a department store, such as Macy's. That happened this evening. I walked into Macy's to buy a new black trench raincoat. I need something to wear when I dress up. I know that it is getting cold but I have enough pea coats and fleeces and ski jackets (although I don't ski) so I wanted a nice trench coat.

I walk in and the first thing I see is INC brand it is so pretty and girlie and I love it. Sparkles. I thought to myself..."I could wear this sequined shirt and black pants with heels for sure!".

Then I started walking towards the escalator looking for the coat section and I got to look in the mirror the whole way up. "Hello gorgeous". On the second floor were the coats and also the men's section. I walked through the men's section and found myself eyeing the shoes. Then I walked by a man-aquin...and I got turned on by his sexy hat and outfit. And I thought, "I could totally date a guy who dressed like that."

Then I passed by the outdoor men's section and started looking at the fleece coats and stopped myself because I wanted a trench. I found the trenches and the woman had to help me put the belt on because I couldn't figure it out.

I picked out a coat and paid for it and put it on right there in the store to walk out with it. On my way out, I passed the women's shoe department and looked at chucks! Then I found a Fossil red leather purse I wanted and cashmere gloves.

My gay man/straight woman/gay woman personalities all clashed! I had to get the hell out of there! With a fabulous black trench coat with my belt tied in a knot.

Things that annoy me #7857

When there is a store that closes, big or small; in a mall or standing on its own, that turns into a Halloween Annex. If there is a store that used to be somewhere but closes, you can pretty much guarantee that it will be a Halloween Annex which then in turn becomes a Christmas store in November that carries obnoxious ornaments and Santa figurines that belong in places that are actually called "The Christmas Tree Shop" not because they are Christmas-y but because they are trashy pieces of crap nobody but people in nursing homes need.

Friday, October 16, 2009


What does it mean when your new therapist of ony two weeks suggests a book for you to read that you already read about ten years ago for the same problem?

I am not sure if it is still in my bookshelf but I bet you there is a pretty good chance. I'll have to check that out tonight. It's called Peace Is Every Step. Maybe this will be the year I actually read and absorb. Read and absorb. Read and absszzzz................

Things that annoy me #5478

When you are working on getting packets out in the mail and you need addresses and people give you addresses with no zip code. Then I have to go look up the zip code. Why would you give someone an address without a zip code? Ever?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

So You Think You Can Live?

So I am a HUGE fan of So You Think You Can Dance. I had tickets to go see Season 5 live but of course, because of a break-up, I had to forfeit my tickets this year.

And maybe I am seeing things a little different in life at this moment but what the hell is with this show taking things so seriously? I just watched the Vegas week auditions and I kept hearing things like, "DANCE FOR YOU LIFE" AND "THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL DANCE SO DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE" AND "YOU AREN'T SHOWING ME THAT YOU CAN SURVIVE LIFE OR THIS AUDITION."

WTF?????? It's a dance show. It's pre-recorded. They already know who they are going to choose! Why are they making this out to be the ONLY thing these kids will have in life? Give it a few years will be a guest judge on a stupid dancing show too.

Don't get me wrong. I love the show. But seriously....stop taking it so seriously!

Friday, October 9, 2009


okay. and celine dion. whatever! i love her.

something is seriously wrong with my seratonin levels i think. ;)


I have waited all week to be home and watch my recorded shows.

I don't care that it is Friday night. Let's see. Tonight I watched ANTM, Top Chef, The Office, Three Rivers. Has anyone seen this? It's just a little weird to see Shane not fucking some chick...she is a doctor now?

Then I ate plain pasta for dinner. Now, I am dancing in my bedroom to Barry Manilow, Carole King, Barbara Streisand and Beyonce.

Good night.

Oink Oink

I hope one day when I am pregnant...and I hope this happens within a 5 year period....I hope that I don't just look really really fat. I hope that I have a cute belly so it will actually look like I am pregnant.

Where did I come up with this? I was looking at an overweight person today who was pregnant and I really just couldn't tell she was pregnant.

But for now....I'm all SET with not being pregnant or having a child.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Postive Polly Today

So as sarcastic and negative as I am about my relationships...I have to remember I choose the wrong ones. So today, I'll listen to Micahel Buble and be postiive. Today I will....

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

This isn't Amersterdam

I am all for riding bikes. However, Boston isn't a biking city yet. There are some bike lanes but they go on for about half a mile and then they just end with a giant pothole and 2 rotaries.

This morning I saw a man riding a tandem bike with his 6 year old son on the back. In the pouring rain. In Harvard Square. Obviously.

And I thought to myself...."this isn't fucking Amsterdam. take your kid to school in your fucking landrover."

Friday, October 2, 2009

You know what annoys me #245

When people send emails but the only words are in the subject line.

3 and 2

So I am a little nervous to go to my "unofficial" 15 year high school reunion. Why you ask? Well because I am probably the only one in the room who doesn't have three names and two kids. In fact, I just went through a breakup and now I am single again. But then I wonder, why do I put so much emphasis on the fact that I am not like everyone else. I am me. And I do cool things to be proud of. So its cool. I'll get to see people i haven't seen in years and hear things like, "you haven't changed a bit" which um.....isn't true at all. ;)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Can someone please explain to me why there are 30 cops on my 6 miles to work that stand around at construction sites. Do they know that they are actually doing more harm than good. They stand there and wave on traffic and at the same time, tell you to go. They text. They talk to other cops. They basically do everything but direct you to the place you are supposed to go.

I rolled my window down the other day and said to one, "it changes everyday on this street. i have no idea where I am supposed to go." And he said, "then you need to pay more attention."

Um....then what is he being paid for???

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Sometimes when you make a mess out of your life; for whatever reasons, it is very important to realize that you can't clean it all up in one night. But at the very least, you can do the dishes.

So that is what I am going to do.

Monday, August 24, 2009


I am very happy that I am not morbidly obsese or super obsese. Or obsese. Or even overweight. I remain a constant 140-150 depending on the month. I do have a little pudge in the belly but that is because I enjoy eating. And I can eat a lot.

If I was obsese though, I bet I would be one of those obsese women who go from drive through window to drive through window ordering hamburgers and french fries and sit in my little car stuffing my face in the parking lot looking around to see if anyone is looking and crying.

But I am not. I did, however, just sit in my office licking and biting a huge eclair just now and savoring every bite.

Validates my barcode on our bodies idea

From MSN..."Jenkins was accused of killing his ex-wife, a model whose body was so badly mutilated when found in a trash bin outside Los Angeles it had to be identified by her breast implants' serial numbers. He evaded a massive international manhunt for days as he crossed from California into his native Canada."

Is there something in this paragraph that stands out as kind of funny in a sick way? Hmmmm.......

TV Talk

You know what I can't stand about my job. I don't have anybody to talk to about TV. I am currently sitting in my office watching the You Tube video of Heidi Montag lipsynching her Body Language song on the Miss Universte pageant and I am freaking pissing my pants laughing. This stuff is priceless. And I am all by myself. People take themselves too seriously here.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I really like when people can make an effort to remember your name. At work, this woman came barging in demanding something be done. First, not the best way to make an introduction to me. Second, got a flabby handshake. Oh hell no. You make an effort when you shake my hand. And third, when I finally finished it for her, she walked right past me in my own office and said, "I am looking for Laura Goldberger."


Monday, August 17, 2009


I think I might have the solution to crime in America. I think every human. At least every human with half a brain. So, ok....25% of the humans in America should be allowed to carry a taser gun and be given 5 chances a month to use them on who ever they like. No questions asked. For example, if somebody at work annoys you and asks you to join them in singing happy birthday for their boss...taser. If the person behind you beeps at you for no apparent reason, step out of your car and taser them. If the person behind you at the movie theatre is eating her popcorn too loud, taser her. Or, if somebody does nothing at all, taser them.

I think this would allow people to get out their aggression without really hurting anyone too bad. You don't really physically hurt them for long and really you aren't hurting their feelings.

This is a perfect solution. Think about it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

You Gotta Love Them

So I see a therapist on Wednesdays now after work. However, it is like the welfare version of therapy and going there makes me more anxious then not going there. It is an old building filled with people I can only assume beat their children because they have no money and spend their welfare checks on lucky jeans and scratch tickets. I wouldn't know though because nobody in the lobby ever speaks english.

I should have learned with experience to never trust a place that has clip art pictures of cell phones with a circle and a cross dashed through it as their lobby signage.

Anyway, my therapist is nice enough but I really think I might overpower her with my emotions. I pretty much just go now to therapize myself.

Yesterday's Conversation (please see blog below to explain why I was annoyed when I walked in):

Therapist: How are you?
Me: Annoyed. Don't you need to take my co-pay?
Therapist: Oh, I guess I do.
Me: Cause every time I walk in here, the door gets slammed on me cause I come after 5.
Therapist: Here is your receipt
Me: By the way, what's with this place. I just got a $400 bill. That's ridiculous.
Therapist: They always make mistakes here.
Me: Interesting.

blah. blah. blah...compained about work for 45 minutes.

45 minutes later

Me: I need techiques to help me cope with my negative emotions during the day at work.
Therapist: Well, you need to start walking down the hallway everyday and get to know the people you work with.
Me: I try that. Nobody talks. And they are all idiots anyway.
Therapist: Did you just hear what you said.
Me: Yes. See. Negative thoughts. Again, I need ways to cope with my negative emotions during the day.
Therapist: You need to learn to love the people you work with. That is how you will learn to like your job.
Me: Fuck that. I don't want to love these people.
Therapist: When you walked in here you asked me how you can learn to think positively.
Me: Yeah. But let's be realistic.

You know what annoys me...or at least annoyed me yesterday

Actually, tan lesbians.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street when I am trying to park in a certain spot.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street when I am trying to park in a certain spot and then park in their own driveway in a house in Jamaica Plain.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street when I am trying to park in a certain spot and then park in their own driveway in a house in Jamaica Plain and have a trunk full of paper bags from Whole Foods.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street when I am trying to park in a certain spot and then park in their own driveway in a house in Jamaica Plain and have a trunk full of paper bags from Whole Foods filled with hummus and olives.
Actually, tan lesbians who wear plaid shorts and drive a honda fit and drive on my ass going up a one-way street when I am trying to park in a certain spot and then park in their own driveway in a house in Jamaica Plain and have a trunk full of paper bags from Whole Foods filled with hummus and olives and talking on their phone about their dinner party that night really loudly when I walk by.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

You know what annoys me...

When I am driving and an ambulance comes from behind so I have to pull over. And then when the ambulance drives by, the cars that pulled over behind me pull out before me and go around me. WTF?

Monday, August 10, 2009

What color is your parachute?

The answer to this is I have no freaking idea! I don't know what I am suppossed to be doing for work? I don't know where I am supposed to be. But, I am pretty good where I am right now. And that sky diving world!

I was sitting at work on Friday with my head back, probably drooling in ultimate bordeom. I got a text from my friend Colleen saying she was going sky diving on Sunday. And I told her to sign me up! I have been wanting to do this for years. I always told myself if I can sky dive, I can do anything. So, I figured why the hell not.

I got to the place on Sunday and short story even shorter..I did it! I remember the feeling...sort of. It is kind of like taking a klonopine (uh...not like i know what that feels like.) It is a calming feeling like I wasn't sure where I was when I landed.

I was so nauceous though, which I should have realized since I can't even spin on tea cups. My guy kept spinning me and all I could see was the big X landing point and then I would look down and just see my legs dangling and it was so cool. Sans the almost puking. Good thing I have spent my life practicing how not to puke!! Minus the time in January when I actually put my fingers down my throat to puke because my non-tolerant body couldn't handle two margaritas. And I digress...

So now I can do anything. That's what I have to tell myself anyway. Really, besides cage diving with the great white sharks, I can't think of anything scarier than jumping out of a plane 11,000 feet in the air. And it wasn't even that scary. It was a peaceful just gotta do it. I wanted to pull the rip cord but I guess I was all positioned wrong cause all I remember is saying to the guy, "guess you pulled it!" ahhhh.....laura is sarcastic even flying through the air.

I just wish I knew what color my parachute really was. I guess all that matters is that it opened. The rest...I'll figure out.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


You know what annoys me about pregnant women? When they basically find out they are pregnant and then like at week 3 they come to work and tell everyone and then the next day they come in wearing maternity clothes.

Friday, July 10, 2009


I am very disappointed in Friendlys. I might even go as far as saying I am super disappointed with Friendlys...and I don't like saying super. That's how disappointed I was.

I freaking love Friendlys. It's a comfort. You walk in and they always look the same. They always have really shitty service from waitresses who don't give a fuck. And I can always get my clamboat basket with french fries (Friendly's version of vegetable of the day) and coleslaw and then get a reeses pieces sundae for dessert.

Last night, LG and I walked in and we were greeted with a smile. First of all, what's up with that? People don't greet you with a smile at Friendlys. Next, we were seated quickly. Excuse me? Then we sat down and the server asked if we were familiar with the menu? Huh? Yeah, I am familiar with the menu. I want the clamboat basket. Then, the waitress walked by with a smile and said she would be right with us. Then, the manager came by and asked if we had been helped. This was just all out of control. She said she could take our order so I ordered the clamboat basket. And she said, "we are all out of clams." (Insert look of sad desperation). I didn't know what else to do. So, I decided on the turkey club sandwich. Needless to say, it was gross. I didn't even want ice cream. Then the waitress asked if everything was ok. I was done.

I wanted bad service, a clamboat basket and an ice cream. I then wanted to wait 30 minutes for my bill.

Monday, June 29, 2009

This is kinda fun

A. Apples are amazing. I love eating them. I love apple pie. I love applesauce
and applejuice.
B. Bangs. I had them a few years ago and did not like them on me. It took over a
year to grow them back. I love my hair now.
C. Cancer. I sometimes miss working on the breast cancer walks because i miss
the closeness feeling of being around good people all the time.
D. Dog. I want a boxer and I want to name her Femur after the coolest sounding bone in the body. I really want to name her Fiero from Wicked but that isn't a girl name.
E. Emily is my younger sister's name. She wants me to write a one-woman show. I think she should help co-write it.
F. Funny. I think I am really funny. I love making people laugh.
G. God? Sure. Why not.
H. Highways. They make me very nervous. So much so that I will stay home rather than get in a car. Working on it and I am much better now.
I. Ice cream is my favorite. I love it. Soft serve. Hard serve. Anything. But not chocolate or coffee so much. I prefer chocolate chip, black raspberry or mint chocolate chip.
J. Jews. I love making Jewish jokes.
K. Kentucky. Nope never been there. But would like to. Also would like to drive cross country not on any highways.
L. Lobster. I grew up in NH and never ate it. My ex had me try it a few years ago and now I am hooked. I am trying lots of new foods now.
M. My pet of them. When people don't remember things I tell them. Is it that hard to listen to somebody? It is so important to me to know that people listen. Why bother talking otherwise.
N. New Hampshire. Where I am from and where I see myself living again one day. In a nice house with a large yard for Femur-Fiero.
O. Orange juice. I've always told myself I would be more centered if I could drink a glass of orange juice everyday. Haven't managed to do that yet. So, I'm always a little off kilter. ;)
P. Photography. I love taking pictures. I think pictures are a way to a person's soul. I feel like I have a talent for noticing details others miss.
Q. Quirky. I do have a lot of quirky little habits. It's because I have OCD. I like when people think they are quirky habits rather than annoying. It makes me feel better when I am called quirky.
R. Rent. I am not a huge fan of this musical. It's annyoing when lesbians don't know a lot about musicals but they love this one.
S. Sugar. I love eating anything with sugar. Any dessert. Even key lime pie. I love dessert. I eat it every night. My day isn't the same if I don't.
T. Tapas. Don't really eat them but I suppose I could. I like big meals. I eat a lot.
U. Urgh. Say this a lot. Especially when I hear anyone over the age of 10 say daddy. It actually gives me the creeps.
V. Vacation. I am excited about Iceland. I have been thinking about going there for years and I am proud that I took the plunge.
W. Work. I have a good work ethic. I believe in hard work. I believe in just doing it and doing it well. No need for excessive patting and making people feel good. Just do your work. And if you don't, get out.
X. Yup. Have a few of those. And no, not friends with them nor will I ever be.
Y. Because.
Z. Zoos. They make me happy but also sad. I don't like to see caged animals. If you look an amimal in the eye that is caged, there is something missing. I love looking into eyes of people and animals.

2 more things

I forgot.
1. I LOVE fireworks and parades and music.
2. You bet I fucking do.

The whole 25 thing

I never did the "get to know 25 things about me thing" that was on fb so I decided I'll do it here on my blog. Considering only about 10 people read it, what harm can that do. ;)

1. I love goslings. They make me so happy I can't even stand it.
2. I love singing musicals. I listen to musicals all day and pretty know most words to all the songs.
3. I wish I could work on Broadway in some capacity.
4. I love to say the word "fucking". I try to include it at least once a day in my vocabulary.
5. I want to be a nurse.
6. I really have never been happy with my jobs. I am currently content. Or ok at most.
7. I would like to finally start writing my book. I have two titles. And I think about it everyday. I don't know what is stopping me.
8. I am super creative.
9. I can't believe I just used the word super.
10. I can't stand when people use the term super cute.
11. I have a lot of pet peeves.
12. I really just want to be loved.
13. I want kids. I want a dog.
14. Knows Mitzi will make fun of me for number 12.
15. Buffets are my favorite food.
16. I've been to Eygpt.
17. I remember so many details and pay attention to everything. I am always aware of my environment.
18. I believe it is very important to remember people's names.
19. I don't drink very much because I can't.
20. Hopes oneday I won't have to be judged by the fact that I don't drink very much and people see that I am really fun to be around anyway.
21. Worries about what people think of me.
22. I wish I didn't.
23. I cry a lot.
24. I laugh a lot.
25. I am fucking done with this blog post.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I don't have time for dirty whores and pedophiles

All I have to say is thank god I like country music. When I got into my car this morning to drive to work, all that was on my radio station was MJ. "Don't stop til you get enough." "Beat it". Um...are the djs listening to the words? Don't they get it? So, I went to my number 1 preset...102.5. And was there MJ? Of course not! So that's where I stayed.

Don't get me wrong. I think MJ was an amazing entertainer. He had great music. We will always love his music. He will always be an icon. But can we just take a few moments to look at his personal life. How do I sum it up? Um...does crazy work? How about a kid diddler? Or maybe mental case? Let's try millions in debt for buying gold toilets? And I know he was never convicted of the kid diddling but really? Is anyone doubting that? He paid people off. And you know what, maybe those families are better off having the diddler money so they can get their kids some real therapy and a chance at a normal life.

And poor Farrah Fawcett. What did she die of? Oh, anal cancer. Sad. Sadder, that she is being called "courageous" with her battle. Do you know who is courageous. The thousands of people each day who fight cancer, and raise a family and do it without the fame and "fortune". What did Farrah do to better the world in terms of cancer? Did she speak out against how she got anal cancer and how to prevent it? No. Dirty whore. hahaha. Teasing. But fun to say nevertheless. Did she give money to a cancer ward at a hospital? No. Did she help families in need by opening up the "Let's rectumfy cancer fund" Get it. Haha. No she didn't. She made a NBC special. And now, is below Megan Fox's hairdo on in terms of newsworth.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Wonder what I am doing.

I wonder what I am getting ready for tomorrow night. I still get to enjoy my turkey on white bread for one more day before I go on a clear liquid diet tomorrow.

Piece of crap

So the rain isn't helping my disgusting neighbor. I really need to buy this piece of crap a trashcan. I bought two but they were both stolen. But I think the time has come again. My neighbor likes to put his trash out and then let the raccoons come and eat the bags. Then, he thinks that if he takes the bag out on Sundays its okay. He however forgets that he left little pieces of trash like chicken bones out on the ground. Then it rains.

Oh, and my anger might make more sense if I tell you that one night he was drunk and threw a chair through my living room window. Yeah, he still lives there. Piece of crap.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Word of the day

Word of the day I can't stand: Truly
Word of the day I like: Loathing

So to recap. It is loathing to me when people say things like, "I truly want you to know how important you are to me."

This week is a shit show!

My colonscopy is on Thursday and I am in "prep" mode which totally blows because I can hardly eat anything. Wednesday is my clear liquid diet day which should be loads of fun. Except I can eat jello so that is good. I am so hungry right now and I can't even eat the rice cakes at my desk!

Today for lunch I have turkey on white bread. So in about two hours I can going to be scraping the roof of my mouth to get the bread off. For breakfast I had a yogurt. I am not supposed to be eating dairy but really now....what the hell am I supposed to do if I can't eat dairy. And I don't think I am lactose intolerant anyway. I think I am just really stressed and anxious all the time.

Tonight I am going shopping for Wednesday supplies. Looking forward to it. Currently, I am trying to figure out how I can move my tv to the hallway so at least I can watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Friday, June 19, 2009


So my task for the next couple of weeks is to mark down everytime I have a negative thought...and it seems impossible. check.

Here is my list so far as of today. Notice there are no checkmarks. I am so bad at marking them down in the book. check. But I will try.

I will post a new photo later with the progress.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things that annoy me...number I have no idea

Do you know what I hate more than being threatened? Being ignored. And caring about it when the other person doesn't. That is what I hate. I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The year is almost half over....let's see my progress.

These were my new years resolutions. Let's see where I am shall we?

1. Dance to at least three songs everyday in my living room with the music on full blast. Preferably at around 1am to annoy my upstairs neighbor who thinks it is fun to throw his trash in my yard and make spaghettios for dinner every night which I can smell.

(Ok. I have not been dancing everyday. I have however gotten even more annoyed with my upstairs neighbor and resorted yesterday to screaming, "clean up your fucking chicken bones!!! really loud while using a shovel to scoop up his trash.")

2. Eat more spaghettios so my upstairs neighbor can smell them.
(No. I have not done that. However, he is eating many more chicken bones.)

3. Complain about my car only once a day rather than three times.
(I think I am keeping that one ok.)

4. Take all of memory boxes out and organize them and throw out the memories I don't want to keep anymore.

5. Limit myself to one memory box a year.

6. Laugh at myself at least twice a day. Laugh at other people at least ten times a day.

7. Find a ALF t-shirt.
(Still looking!)

8. Bake more.
(Balls! I need to do that.)

9. Get a flat screen TV.
(Nope. After Iceland.)

10. Go to Iceland.
(Woo Hoo!!! In July.)

11. Grow my hair so I can put it in cute ponytails.
(Did that.)

12. Cut my hair while I am growing it because it is driving me crazy.
(Did that.)

13. Curse myself for cutting my hair before I could get it in cute ponytails.
(Yup. But now I like it.)

14. Dye it black.
(Nah. Not for summer.)

15. Ask someone out on a date.
(I suppose I did a very round about way.)

16. Not an imaginary person.
(Nope. She is real.)

17. Try sushi. *This is still up in the air. I am not sure I am ready for that step in my life.
(I did it once. )

8 things i learned while not eating dairy

1. Fuck that.
2. All soy and no dairy makes Laura a sour girl.
3. Salad without feta isn't the same.
4. There is dairy in everything. Even kettle corn popcorn.
5. It didn't make a difference. I am getting a colonoscopy anyway. (report to follow)
6. I might want to refrain from saying things like this at work during the CEO birthday party where there was my favorite carrot cake, "I don't know if I am lactose intolerant. But, I am defintely intolerant of other things!"
7. I am still supposed to not eat dairy but I can't help it.
8. Be careful when eating my mom's food especially when she says, "oh, yeah...there is dairy in that. but only a little, laura!"

It's been way too long!

After a series of white trash ex-girlfriend episodes this winter, I decided to refrain from writing in my blog. I needed a little break from it. However, I am back and ready to write again about the wonders of our little world and ponder why the fuck people are crazy.

I won't dig deep into the white trash route 1 Paradise dance club in Saugus shit that happened to me yesterday at the JP block party. There is no need to go into those details. But it made me realize how much better my life is right now then it was a year ago and I am so much happier for that.

I have a great girlfriend. I have a job. I have friends. I am going on a awesome trip in one month. And I know I have to be positive, but really there is just way too much crazy shit that happens for me to not write about it.

So, Laura is back. Sort of.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oscar and The Couch Part 5!

Oscar and the Couch Part 5 – Laura’s 2009 Oscar Predictions (and yes film majors, I know it’s for 2008 films but it’s shown in 2009…okay?)

One week until we get to see double-Oscar nominee couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt walk down that red carpet together and say things to Ryan Seacrest like, “Being nominated is so not important to us. We have a loving family and Angie is the best mother. What we care about is the poverty in this world. My movie was really a dedication to New Orleans. We just want to be out of the film business.” My ass you do!!!

This has been an exceptional year for movies. Or should I say films. I wouldn’t want my film major friends to get upset. I can’t think of another year in a long time that it was so exciting to go to the movies and see such amazing work. That being said, why the hell weren’t those films nominated in the right categories???? I can’t even begin to describe how upsetting some of the nominees are this year for me. (Ummmmm. The Wrestler). So….here it goes.

Things to Watch out for:
1. A shit ton of standing ovations when Heath Ledger is mentioned.
2. A long and if I do say so myself, not funny, number from Hugh Jackman. Since when is it okay for People’s Sexiest Man Alive to be the Oscar Host?
3. Angelina Jolie rolling her eyes at the camera.
4. Kate Winslet crying.
5. Jai Ho winning best song and even though you won’t be able to see, Laura dancing in her living room when that happens.
6. A hush of the audience when The Reader clip is shown because there is always a hush when a Holocaust movie is mentioned. Even if Steven Spielberg didn’t direct it.
7. And my guess is Maggie Gyllenhaal giving the technical award this year.
8. Gold gowns with lots of up-dos and for some reason, I see lots of animal prints on purses. Not sure why.
9. A Bollywood number when they do the two songs from Slumdog. And let’s hope to god Beyonce doesn’t do the singing for this one this year. Love her but come on….
10. Mickey Rourke doing lines in the bathroom and missing his nomination. Much like Reene Z. at the Golden Globes. Sans the lines. Maybe…..

Actor in a Leading Role

Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor”

Now, I know most people did not see this movie. I don’t think it was out in the theatres for very long. I saw it on DVD a couple of months ago and immediately knew that he would be nominated for this. Obviously he will not win because this is the year for white trash nominations (Mickey Rourke and Marissa Tomei). But if he did win, I would be fine with that as long as Mickey Rourke didn’t.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: When he is at the prison and says, “You can't just take people away like that. Do you hear me? He was a good man, a good person. It's not fair! We are not just helpless children! He had a life! Do you hear me? I mean, do YOU hear ME? What's the matter with you?”

Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon”
I think the Oscar folk are going to surprise us all this year and choose Mr. Nixon himself for the big statue. And I hope they do. There isn’t another actor in this category that deserves this award as much as him. The last time I checked acting meant that you don’t just play yourself (cocaine addict white trash piece of crap….Mickey Rourke). And that is exactly what Frank Langella did. He had Richard Nixon down from head to toe. The movie itself was something to be desired but his acting made the hair on my arm stand up straight. (Or was that the Soju I had before I watched the movie?) Seriously though, amazing. I really hope he wins. And he is the oldest nominee this year so that might not hurt his chances.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: One of two scenes. Either…when he is in the kitchen after one of his speaking gigs and says, “I didn't want to take any questions on Watergate!” or when he is on his final interview with David Frost and says “I'm saying that when the President does it, that means it's *not* illegal!” AND FOR THAT LINE ALONE, HE SHOULD WIN!

Sean Penn in “Milk”
Remember when Sean Penn won the Oscar for Mystic River? When he had that scene where he said, “Is that my daughter in there? Is that my daughter in there????” Yeah. That was awesome. Not to say that Milk isn’t also awesome. Because it was. But for me, it’s just one of those movies that was obviously going to be nominated for everything and I knew that the second I saw the trailer. I think Sean Penn did a terrific job in this film but I don’t think he will win. Not when we have such terrific talent such as Mickey Rourke pulling staples out of his back up against him.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: there are a lot of memorable
scenes in this movie but I am going to guess the one they kept showing in the trailers when he is talking to Dan White and he tells Harvey Milk that society can’t exist without the family and Harvey Milk says, “We’re not against that. No, but God knows we keep trying.”

Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
I think this is the classic case of an actor just being too overexposed in his personal life to ever win an Oscar. AKA Tom Cruise. This was a great movie and Brad Pitt did a wonderful job. But this movie really only deserves a nomination in the Best Make-up and Best-Costume Design category. And maybe Cinematography. Oh wait, it did get nominated for all those. He won’t win. Which is good, because he doesn’t want to be in the film business anyway. Oh, and if we have to hear about why he has a mustache right now again, I might lose it. But what’s up with actors like him anyway? Him and Tom Hanks growing their hair out all the time for roles. Have we heard of a make-up department people? Or when you reach a certain acting “level”, it becomes disgraceful to do anything but “play the part completely.”

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: definitely a montage. If ever there was a movie that deserves a montage, this is it.

And last but not least…..Mickey Rourke for “The Wrestler”
What do film majors like to say? Words like juxtaposition and genre? Well, I would like to juxtaposition my fist up against Mickey Rourke’s white trash genre for making me waste two hours of my time on this movie. What is up with this crap? Maybe this is generational. That is all I can think. I don’t really know anything about Mickey Rourke and his past movies but I know that this movie was one of the worst I have seen in years. Hands down! Was his acting good? I have no freaking idea? Because to me, he was just playing himself. He was cracked out in this film and it made me sick to my stomach to watch it. And did you see him on Oprah when he was skyping in…with his Pomeranian or whatever fluffy mess of a dog he was carrying? He is messed up! There are about five other actors that deserve this nomination more than Mickey Rourke and I think he might win this. Let’s hope not. But remember when the Oscar people gave the song from Hustle and Flow the award. This might happen again with this film. What????? I can’t even believe Leonardo was passed up for Revolutionary Road for this. Ridiculous.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: when he is talking to his daughter (Rachel Even Woods and the ONLY good thing about this movie) and says, “I am just a broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be alone. I just don’t want you to hate me.”

Actor in a Supporting Role: should I go through them all or just say Health Ledger?

Josh Brolin in “Milk”

Que? What? Huh? Excuse me? Pardon? Really? Why? Seriously….why? You are going to pass up actors in films like Slumdog and the father in Rachel Getting Married for him? I think the Oscar people just felt bad for not giving him the typical “play a president…get a nomination” nomination for his role in W. Because I don’t see a single reason why he should be nominated for this. James Franco. Totally. Emile Hirsch. Absolutely. But, Josh Brolin. No.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: this is hard. Maybe I switched this up and they will show him talking to Harvey Milk about reproducing. Either that or when he invites Harvey Milk to his son’s christening. It doesn’t really matter. They are going to show Diane Lane more than Josh Brolin anyway.

Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder”
Amazing. I am so happy that he got a nomination for this. It is very hard to get a nomination for a comedy. Renee Zellweger got one for Bridget Jones Diary. I think if Heath Ledger didn’t die, Robert Downey Jr. would win this. He was so funny.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: when he says, “All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!”

Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt”
Okay. Enough. I’ve had enough. I like this guy. I do. But enough. He mumbles. He looks like he hasn’t showered in two months. Is this a reason to get a nomination? I guess so. Mickey Rourke.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: I think they will either show him giving his sermon on gossip or show him in that one really powerful scene with Meryl Streep in her office. I think that is where he said this quote, “you have no right to act on your own! You have taken vows, obedience being one! You answer to us! You have no right to step outside the church!”

Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”
Obviously. He will win. And usually I would be upset that they would give an Oscar to an actor just because he died. However, in this case, he completely deserves it. He was haunting in this role. Every time he was on the screen, it was mesmerizing. He deserves this. And the 3 minute, 45 second standing ovation he will get when the director goes up to take the award on his behalf. No, Michelle Williams will not do that. They were divorced for gods sake.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: another montage. But they will show the pencil scene.

Michael Shannon for Revolutionary Road
Second to Slumdog, this was my favorite movie of the year and I can’t believe Leo and Kate were passed up for nominations. And I am not sure exactly why he is but I’ll take it! There is a very big pattern this year in nominated people with little to no lines in a movie. And what would a Laura prediction be without mentioning the lovely and talented Dame Judi Dench, who won for Shakespeare in Love with only like five minutes total in a movie. So, it’s possible to win. But, Heath is going to win.

Scene they will show when they announce his nomination: when he is in the living room laughing at April when he finds out she is pregnant.

Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married”

She is my second favorite to win this award. As much as I would like to think she has a chance, I don’t think she does. The movie itself was a little slow but the scene where she did the toast at the wedding rehearsal dinner (you know…the 30 minute scene) was fantastic. Good for her for getting a nomination. Well deserved.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: when she is giving her speech. I wish they would show her at rehab or talking to her father about her baby brother but I don’t think they will.

Angelina Jolie’s Lips in “Changeling”
Did I say her lips? I must have accidentally written that. Or, maybe I wrote that because that is the only reason she should be nominated for this role. Talk about snorefest. This movie. Yikes. She was in basically every scene and in about basically every scene I think she said, “I just want my son back!” (insert quivering lips here). I am pretty sure that is the only thing she said. Hello…..she already won for Girl Interrupted when she played a woman in a mental hospital. Let’s give this to someone else. Plus, like her hubbie, she also doesn’t want to be in Hollywood. But, if she did win, do you think she would tattoo the latitude and longitude of where she was when she won the award on her arm?

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: one guess. One of the scenes where she says, “I just want my son back!”

Melissa Leo in Frozen River
I won’t even take the time to discuss this. Didn’t see it. Won’t win. Don’t even know what scene they will show. The end. They gave this to her and not Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road? I’m over you.

Meryl Streep in “Doubt”
What is this, her 23rd nomination or something? And this ladies and gentlemen, is the year she needs to win her third! This movie was kind of boring. And I think I would rather see it on stage but her acting was insane!! Hands down, of the nominees this year, she has to win and she will win. And let’s hope she does because she gives the BEST award speeches. And since we will be on hour three when she wins, we will need this.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: when she is yelling at scumbucket Philip Seymour Hoffman and says, “I have no sympathy for you. I know you are invulnerable to true regret. And cut your nails.”

Kate Winslet in “The Reader"
If this was for Revolutionary Road, I would say, hell yes she needs to win. But, alas, it isn’t. I think she did a great job in this film and I am huge Kate Winslet fan but I just don’t see a best actress award out of this. But it is really between Meryl Streep and her and since she did win the Golden Globe, I think she will be a close second.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: either when she is on trial and discussing what she did or when she is talking later in life and says “It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I feel. The dead are still dead."

Actress in a Supporting Role: AKA The worst nominations in Oscar history!

Amy Adams in “Doubt”

Love this actress. I do. But really does she have to get a nomination every time she plays a cowardly woman with big blue eyes? I know when the Oscar people like a movie, they like to nominate every person in it. (Except Slumdog…no comment.) But this one, is just too much. She was good but she won’t win.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: some scene where she is mousy.

Penelope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
I really loved this movie and I think of all the actresses in this category she did the best acting. Again, not best of the year but of the nominees, best of the best. She will win.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: when she is telling Scarlett Johansen (mmmmmmmm) that she went through her luggage.

Viola Davis in “Doubt”
She is the second in line to win. And I thought she would win when I saw the movie because the one scene she was in was so powerful and her acting was tremendous. I would be happy if she won but I don’t think she will.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: uhhh….the one scene she is in….my guess.

Taraji P. Hensen in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
Again, great acting. But a nomination? Don’t get it. Just don’t get it. I guess this is kind of like Sally Field getting a nomination for Forrest Gump. Would be the same exact thing actually.

Scene they will show when they announcer her nomination: I really have no idea. She is probably running around saying, “mmmm…huhhhh” and giving Brad Pitt a hug. Just a guess.

And of course….Marisa Tomei’s Tits in “The Wrestler”
So you are telling me that the sister in Rachel Getting Married was passed over for this woman???? Just like Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei was nominated for playing herself….a dated stripper. Ok, that might be a little harsh. But, she didn’t act in this movie. She hardly had any lines! She stripped! There wasn’t a single scene that should warrant a nomination. This is “In The Bedroom” part deaux. What is going on with the Oscar people? I am majorly disturbed by this nomination.

Scene they will show when they announce her nomination: I can’t think of a single scene that they could actually show. She was hardly in the movie. She didn’t act. I suppose they will show her saying, “I’m here. I’m real.”

Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I kind of get why this is nominated. It has great costumes, great makeup, great acting, great story, amazing cinematography (even though Slumdog’s was better). I’ll give this nomination to Benjamin. It won’t win though.

I think this is nominated because of Frank Langella. He really just stole the entire film. The movie itself was just so-so. It won’t win. And I really hope it doesn’t because then we have to listen to Ron Howard.

I smell runner-up! Great acting (sans Josh Brolin) but is more of a SAG best picture. Not an Oscar best picture.

The Reader
Urgh. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! Did people really not know what this movie was about? It’s called The Reader! Obviously, she is illiterate. And a Nazi. That doesn’t mean it should win for best picture. And can somebody tell the director or casting director or someone that it is NOT ok to give two parts to the same woman in one movie. I seriously felt like taking a bath after watching this. Not because I felt dirty but I just felt the need to take a bath.

Slumdog Millionare
This one is a slam dunk! No surprises here. Slumdog will win. Slumbdog should win. I am listening to the Slumdog soundtrack as we speak. If you haven’t seen this movie, go out right now and watch it. This is the movie that America needed. It is about love. It is about loyalty. It is about resiliency. I literally sighed out loud at the end of it the first time I saw it. I went to see it again after seeing the Wrestler just so I could get the bad taste out of my mouth. This movie will win it all….picture, director, cinematography, original score, original song and adapted screenplay.

Anyway, it’s a tough year to predict some of these categories. But to summarize:

Best Picture Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Picture Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor Should Win: Frank Langella
Best Actor Will Win: So help me god if Mickey Rourke wins...but tied with Frank Langella
Best Supporting Actor Should Win: Heath Ledger
Best Supporting Actor Will Win: Heath Ledger
Best Actress Should Win: Meryl Streep
Best Actress Will Win: Meryl Streep
Best Supporting Actress Should Win: Penelope Cruz
Best Supporting Actress Will Win: Penelope Cruz

ps....i mentioned god twice i think in my predictions. mickey rourke has resorted me to look to god! maybe he does deserve the nomination!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My dream

I took a nap today. From 2:00-4:30. It is impossible for me to take naps for less than this amount of time. I am also getting over a cold and I have a wicked case of PMS ( tits hurt so much I could scream and all I can think about is getting a boob reduction). dream.

I was on a boat. I was going somewhere warm for the day. I had to take my brown boots off. When I got to the destination, I had to put my boots back on. The water was really warm and blue. One of the boots fell in the water and I couldn't reach. These two people sitting behind me said, "oh...that's too bad." You know, the way people say things when something bad happens to you and not them because people love when other people are in misery so they can say things like, "figures."

Anyway, I couldn't reach the boot. Then, this boat came by and the boot ended up going further in the ocean. I told the guy in the boat to chase after it for me, which he did and he brought it back to me. But then I couldn't get the boot back on. Then I walked inside and went to the desk to find out what time the last boat was going to depart and she said, "2:30" which didn't work because it was already noon and that didn't make sense.

I finally got the boot back on. But then I wanted privacy but everywhere I went, people kept coming and sitting by me. All I wanted to do was text something to someone but I couldn't. It was so frustrating in my dream because I wanted to text my boot story in my dream to my friend but I couldn't and I could feel myself getting frustrated.

Then, I walked somewhere else and my boot fell into a swimming pool and I had to jump in and get my boot again. Then, I tried to text that, too but I couldn't text.

Then I woke up.

So, not sure what that dream was all about.

I'm BAaaaackk

Wow it's been a few weeks since I have written in this blog. And man....things have been happening. In my life, in my work....yikes!

First, I went to New Orleans. It was awesome. Had a great time. I'll leave it at that. I am taking risks this year. Remember, it's one of my resolutions.

Other resolutions I have successful completed:
1. I am eating more spaghettios.
2. I am growing my hair.
3. I am contemplating cutting my hair, which in turn will make me curse at myself for cutting my hair.

Let's talk for a minute about the food I tried in New Orleans/Baton Rouge.
1. Oysters (not sure exactly why people enjoy these so much). I mean they were ok. One had too much sand on it. I don't think I will crave these things...but I won't shy away if one is in front of me. I think it would have helped if I was drinking a Guinness at the time.
2. Crawfish. Why didn't I eat these more when I lived there? Yum. fried goodness.
3. Crab stuffed shrimp. Again, delicious.
4. Alligator. That's right, cajun spiced alligator jerky eaten in front of an alligator at the zoo.

And my stomach didn't hurt. The Patron....that made my stomach hurt. Which brings me to the conclusion that I must be allergic to alcohol. Why is it that the only thing I can drink now without feeling sick is Guinness? Who knew. I spent all these years looking at it and thinking, "I'll never drink that!" Ahh...taking risks.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Things I am looking forward to tonight:

1. washing my dishes from last night. i wasn't able to get around to it.
2. watching 24 from last night. i wasnt able to get around to it.
3. getting a pedicure.
4. not going to the gym.
5. filling my warm-mist humidifier up with water.
6. watching mariska.
7. playing with my split ends.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dot Coooommmmmmmm

You know what made me smile so hard today I could hardly believe it? I booked a trip to New Orleans in a couple of weeks. I wanted to see if I could change my itinerary and come a day early but I booked it on Expedia so I wasn't sure if I could do that. So, I called the 1-800 number and when the operator came on, it said, "welcome to expedia. Dottt coommmmmmm." And it totally cracked me up.

But I couldn't change the ticket. Bummer.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Things that I Actually Love #1

The word rapture. I like to pretend it is a spanish word and I roll my r when I say it. Then I laugh because I am weird.


All I can think about right now is wanting a Guinness, french fries and a hot lobster roll of claw and tail meat in a toasted bun smothered in butter. I am actually not thinking about pancakes for a brief moment because of this. I love you page 68.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm gonna put it out there that The Bachelor...

Is the most disturbing show on TV. What is wrong with these girls? And why do they all have names that are spelled weird? Shannon should be spelled like Shannon. Not Shayneaun.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Hollywood Sex

So you are probably thinking to yourself, "self....what would Laura's dream Hollywood bedroom scenario be?" So, here it is.

I would like Laura Linney to take me out to dinner and drink lots of red wine with me. We can talk about traveling. Then I would like to go out dancing with Julianne Moore. I would hope she would wear something strapless to show off her freckles. We would dance until about 2am while drinking shots of Patron.

Later in the evening, Laura would show up after she finished up some lecture on articulation of political reality & a comparison of the present with the past and she would meet up with Julianne and I.

Then, as we were all making out on the dancefloor, Joaquin Phoenix would come up and just start rubbing his hands all over my body and tell me that he had been looking at me all night and I would take the cigarette from his hand and throw it on the ground and start grinding him.

On the way out, American History X Edward Norton would be standing at the door with Blue Crush Michelle Rodriquez and they would decide to come back to my place as well.

Excuse me. I have to go now.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I tried Koreana tonight. Delicious. I tried some cocktail there. Even more delicious. I have been drunk on both Tuesday and Wednesday night this week. The trifecta of deliciousness.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Kind of

Okay. I've been kind of negative and angry the past couple of days. And everyone including the bowl of cereal I am eating right now, is kind of over it. And trust me so am I. Therefore, I am now officially back to being funny and I am looking forward to a few things. Tonight, Ben is a Bastard night. Tomorrow, Kovie. I usually do Phovie...Pho and a movie, but I am going to Koreana so this wednesday it is Kovie. And Thursday, freaking sushi. I will get back to you on how that one goes. Also, Golden Globes are on Sunday. I wish you could hear me actually say that out loud. It would sound something like this. "Goolllden Gllloobeesss are on Sunnndaayyyyy!!!!"

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Out with the old!

That's what a friend said to me yesterday via text. Actually, it was more like, "Urgh! Out with the Old!!" when I told her about my ex. And she is so right.

2009 is the year to throw out all the things that have been bad for me. And when I say throw them out, I don't mean put them in the basement just in case there is a chance one day that I might want to see them. I do save things that are important and that I feel will one day do me good or make me lots of money. Aka: my memory boxes. Those I keep.

Looking around right now, I can see a bunch of things I don't need to keep anymore. The Trader Joe dark chocolates my boss got me last year when I was stressed at work. I don't eat dark chocolate. Out with the chocolate. And out with her.

I also told myself that starting this year, I wouldn't open something until I am ready to deal with it. That is why I have a pile of unopened envelopes sitting around my place. If only I could tell my mouth to do the same. Still working on that.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

That got me out of bed!

So today has been interesting. It is almost 3 and I haven't done anything. Yet, somehow I still manage to keep it interesting. It started with a text. A text from my ex girlfriend. A text that said, "are you going to be around today. I (and please remember the I part) want to come by and pick up my boots."

I simply wrote back. "I am in and out. (which is a lie. I was laying in bed but didn't want my ex girlfriend to know that I was laying in bed doing nothing all day) and I'll leave them in the hall. When do you think you will be around?"

She then decided to write back this, which is the reason I am now officially out of bed. "WE have a few things to do. Maybe in an hour."

Now, if she would have just kept it simple and continued to say, "I", things would probably be fine. But oh no....she had to throw in the "WE", meaning her and her new girlfriend which I found out about via this text. Balls in my face. So, obviously, I had to write back, "what's with the we?" and she had to write back, "my new girlfriend. it's great. I am really happy."

I told her to fuck off and the boots would be on the street. Who does that? Who brings a new chick to her old girfriends house? Seriously? Low fucking blow.

Anyway, it got me thinking. She was never good enough for me. She drank so much and it hurt me so much. I was never attracted to her and she would have never fulfilled the things I need in a relationship. So, why is it that I care so much. Why is it that I am trying to hold onto a friendship with someone like that? Why? The thing is exes can't be friends. Now, if you date for a bit and it didn't work out, yes, I think a friendship can work. But, if you are in a relationship with I love yous and hurt and shit, I don't think a friendship is going to work out. And that is the chance you take when you get in a relationship. It is a huge chance.

But, when I made the decision to leave that relationship because it wasn't right for me, I took a big leap. A scary, big leap. I knew in my heart that I would be losing one of my closest friends but that was the chance I took. It is the chance we all have to take. It is hard. But, I don't want to compromise. I don't think you have to. There is no perfect relationship, but I truly want to be happy with someone. And as hard as it is to be alone. It's fucking harder to be with someone who makes you want to fucking die!

So....I think today's text was a good one. I managed to include one final sting. "I don't think I could deal with your drinking, even as friends". She is a major drunk so that one should hurt. And now, it's time to move on to 2009 and see what kind of fancy shit is going to happen this year.

Don't get me wrong. I'll miss her. But, no compromising. I say that do anyone who will listen.

Also, try not to throw your balls in people's faces. Especially a lesbian's face. I don't need balls in my face, literally or figuratively. So, if you are happy and you are my ex....let's just leave that ball in your glove shall WE!!

Things that annoy me #3

When I write something witty on my facebook status or photo or something and then somebody writes something that is so stupid sounding under the status that isn't witty at all. It totally takes away from my wit. Some people think they are being witty, but they aren't. Most of my friends are very witty. Some are not. Those will be deleted. :)

January 3

How many inner resolutions have I already broken? Let's see. Probably about 3. least 5. I can think of 5. But I kind of like it. It makes me more interesting and exciting. I think this year I need more excitement. I am going to try doing the opposite of everything that I normally do and see how that works for me.

I had a great New Years. Which is the opposite of what I usually have. No joke. So, this whole thing might work for me.