Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Monday, October 22, 2012

Am I the ONLY ONE?

Last night was an eye opener for me as I am only a few weeks away from turning 36 years old. I went to my second Melissa Ethridge concert in my life and I can only describe it (and I take these words from the friend who went with me) as "psychologically horrifying".  That being said, Melissa Ethridge still rocks, looks great in leather pants, can belt out a song like nobodies business and make any straight person consider for just a second turning to the dark side.

I am not sure if my friend and I were just feeling the same way or she could sense from my body language and facial expressions, but about an hour and a half into it, everything seemed to change for me.  My favorite quote from her was "I think I need to just focus on my career right now."  The thing is, I don't understand 80% of lesbians in just a general sense.  Last night, that number skyrocketed to about 98%. 

I consider myself an attractive woman (or chick, girl, lady, gal).  I think I have a good sense of style.  I like labels.  I can dress it up.  I can tone it down.  And regardless of what some people think of my sweatpants and crocks look when I am at the dog park or grocery store, I still look good.  I understand social behavior and cues.  I try as hard as I can not to take myself too seriously.  And in the most simplest of common modern day tasks (and by modern, I mean no longer cave men), I know that it's important to brush your teeth and wash and comb your hair. 

I think as a female, it's important to show yourself in the world as confident yet flawed.  As beautiful, yet at times in need of some weight loss.  What I don't understand is why 98% of the lesbians last night did not seem to understand this.  Therefore, I am putting up a few sets of rules that should be applied if you are thinking of becoming, or already are, a lesbian in the year 2012. These rules apply mainly to woman over the age of 45 I guess but even still.  I don't want to turn 36 and be almost 40 and think that I can just give up on beauty.

1.  While you may not want a subscription to Glamour Magazine, pick one up occasionally and check out some of the hairstyles that are happening right now.  These styles do not include Don Johnson's look from Miami Vice.  If you saw it in 1980-1999, just think about maybe taking a trip to the salon.  You can even go to Cost Cutters or Supercuts if you want.  I don't care. Just think about it.

2.  Ponder for a few about maybe buying one pair of designer jeans.  Honestly, that's all you need.  You can even get a pair for under $100 if you look hard enough. I know you may be disappointed at first if the jeans don't go over your belly button but trust me, you will come to like it. 

3.  Neon track jackets that snap are not okay.

4.  Get a bra that fits.  They don't have to hang down to your toes.  They really don't.  I know you probably hate your boobs (I get it) but if you can find a way to lift them just a bit, I promise you they will be a bit more tolerable.

5.  This is just an assumption of course, since 98% of the lesbians did have on their Lee jeans on but think about self some care down there.  I can only assume, you don't shave.  I am positive you don't wax.  I know you have had the same "lover" and "partner" for years but let's keep this world clean folks.  The Venus razor might come in a pretty little case but use it.  Hell if you want to buy a Bic $.50 razor, by all means cut yourself up just get rid of the hair.

I know you lesbians can do this!  You all have iphones. You were ALL updating your statuses and uploading pictures during the show. This is a modern invention. I know you have the ability. 

I am not sure if I was just in the wrong section of seats.  Maybe I was sitting in the "Melissa Ethridge 500 years of social intolerance therefore I am going to prove to the world that I can be a lesbian and totally let myself go fan club"?  Maybe the attractive, modern day lesbians were up in the balcony?  I don't know.  All I have to say is if I ever look I might be breaking any of these above rules, please oh please kidnap me and take me to a Rhianna concert immediately.

Friday, June 22, 2012

You know what makes me smile?

When I call CVS to get the pharmacy and when they are looking for your records the computerized noise comes on like, "do do dooo dooo doo doo do".  If you have ever filled a perscription over the phone you know what I am talking about. If you have never filled a perscription over the phone, chances are you need to be on meds for something and you probably should go see your doctor.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Tick Tock

So once again I'm in the process of going through some crap and really taking pride in myself that I can overcome pretty much anything because I accept the fact that I have feelings.  Sure, I might do a lot of obsessing and wondering why and trying to figure out how it could have been better, etc but I think just like everyone tells me "time will tell everything" and I have to believe that.  It's scary not knowing what my future will bring and yes it's always so much easier to have a plan but that's not the way my world seems to be going. 

Today, all I can do is get a haircut.  And tomorrow all I can do is go to the movies with my mom and Saturday all I can do is hike and Sunday all I can do is watch the entire second season of Game of Thrones and get soft serve ice cream for dinner.  That's all I can do for now.  And time will tell.  Time will if I get what I want. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Pride and Oy

Well another pride week in Boston has come and gone and I as usual, I have some thoughts on it. Mostly though, this weekend has made me realize once again how lucky I am that I can openly say I am gay without judgement from the people I care about.  I think I take that for granted sometimes. Being gay is something that is just a part of me and not something that I really think about when it comes to stigma from the public. My family are very open about it and they really just want me to be happy.   Although my social worker mother would have a field day with some of the gays I saw this weekend for sure.

I wish that everyone could openly say that they are gay and I think that with time, they will be able to.

This brings me to pride weekend.

Let's begin with Friday at the dyke march.  This was my first year doing the dyke march and I am really glad that I did it.  I think it was important for me to see a group of people getting together to show the community that it is okay to be gay.  I've never really worried about that before so being in a group of other people who have had to fight for it was in a way humbling for me.  Fred, the girl and I walked together.

Now this doesn't mean I don't have some thoughts on the march.  I do. Trust me I do.  While I understand and fully agree that gays should have all the same rights as everyone else, I know that this will take time. It was only a couple of decades ago that men were legally told that they couldn't slap a woman on her ass in the workplace.  Things like this take time.  And we are getting closer and closer.  That is why marches like these are important.  However, I don't always agree that people need to be so angry at them or come up with chants that make absolutely no sense at all.

"Fuck your pink.  Fuck your blue.  Fuck your gender and we'll fuck you."  What does that even mean?

And the signs.  One girl had a sign that on one side said, "Butch and proud" and on the opposite side said "No more labels". That is just a contradiction and really just makes her look kind of like an idiot.  All be it, a gay idiot.  And let's face it, when it comes to idiots, I don't discriminate.

Moving on the parade on Saturday.  If you don't know, I love parades. I love any kind of parade and I hate to miss them.  And just for anyone who is reading for the future, I may seem anxious about getting to a parade on time, just wait until there is a fireworks display scheduled.  You might as well drop me off the night before if you don't want me pacing back and forth and tapping my leg until we leave.

The girl and I reached the parade after of course I paced and tapped my due share.  Hey, I am slowly becoming more patient but even I have my moments of setback. The parade was fun but once again I had to wonder why there weren't more fancy floats and drag queens and music and flair.  Mostly, there were just people from different churches marching.  Boring.  I mean I am glad that your church and your Jesus accepts you and all but after one or two, I get the point.  By the way, Jesus wore basically what looked like Birkenstock sandals and drank wine when he went out.  Gay.

My favorite part of the parade, however was the end. I have never been part of that before.  At the end of the parade everyone got on the streets and walked down to Government Center together while the Portuguese played music. It was a lot of fun.  I love when the city gets together like that.  It makes me feel so happy to live in Boston.

Moving on to the block party.  Yes, I went to the block party.  Yes, I drank a can of beer.  A can. I never drink beer in cans.  But, I did it.  The girl and I went together and it really wasn't all that bad.  In the past, the block party has been a source of major annoyance and anxiety for me and I would always leave feeling really pissed off.  However, this time I just took it all in and looked around and mostly just laughed.

The thing is, most people at this block party were so young.  Every year, the lesbians get younger and younger while I get older and older.  And while the lesbians my age are getting married, and buying houses and adopting kids and traveling the world, the younger ones are getting sloppy drunk, humping each other and wearing neon tank tops.  It's all just so silly to me.  I'm all for a fun day and hanging with friends and having a drink or two but I don't need to be with the young lesbians finding their way. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have some more gay friends.  I need more gay friends.  But, I want gay friends who love to go hiking and camping and to the theater and the movies and travel and go to nice restaurants and order fancy meals and make sarcastic and witty comments and are just as comfortable going out for a drink as they are playing a game at my house.

As you can tell, the girl and I were out for a few hours by this point. We decided to keep it going and we went to the Rattlesnack.  We were the first in line, which never happens for me at these things.  It was around this time, that my sarcastic mood began to appear more rapidly.  I was looking around at all the people in line and started to really wonder why so many lesbians just let themselves go.  So many lesbians are overweight, wear clothes that don't fit, and walk around with a frown acting like they are just too cool for everything and everyone.  I am not sure if this has to do with their self esteem or what, but I think I could make a fortune on a lesbian diet plan.  I figure if I just put a diet shake in a cans of bud light, that could be a start.  It could work.  Then I looked down at my belly and realized that I need to get in shape too!  My back has been hurting so I took ten days off of yoga and it has made a huge difference.  I have been eating like crap and this has drastically affected both my belly and my mood.

The Rattlesnake wasn't all that bad accept once again, it was filled with really annoying and young lesbians.  A few of them just made me shake their head.  What is with the baggy jeans, the plaid shirts with the sleeves cut off, the suspenders and the boxers.  And yes, this was one person.  It must take such a long time to look so un-put-together.  Everyone pretty much just got drunk and I watched the Celtics lose.  But that was fine.  At the end of the night, I got to get away from the lesbians and I got pancakes.

So to conclude, yes I am glad that I can say I am gay.  I am glad that I can date someone and kiss her in public and hold her hand and walk beside her and be happy.  For me pride week doesn't mean lime bud light and rainbow wrist bands.  I mean, those are good too but pride week for me just means, well, that I can be proud.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

50 Shades of Red

I got into the 50 shades of grey series and woahhhhhh, those books are hot! Talk about passion!  I had to look up some of the things online thought because I had no idea what a butt plug or a leg spreader were. Luckily, google gave me some idea.  Now, everywhere I look, I wonder if people have kinky sex like that!  Or, once they read the book, if they will. Also, does the author of the book have this kind of sex?

I'm pretty sure that the next time I see a lesbian with a carabeaner hooked to her belt loop, I'm going to seriously wonder what she does at home!!

Ok that was too much. Period.

So my 30 day yoga challenge kind of...well um ended.  It's not that I don't love yoga now but going everyday with a full time job and a dog was just too hard and it was putting unnecessary pressure on myself.  I decided that there was absolutely no reason to put that kind of pressure on myself it wasn't enjoyable.  One thing they say in yoga a lot is that if you aren't enjoying a pose, then you should change it up so you do.  So, I decided that I will do yoga on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays and on the weekend do some sort of cardio whether biking or hiking or just a nice long run!

So this leads me to Thursday when I had the complete opposite of yoga. I was getting my period so I was having so many cravings that I never ever have!!  First, E and I went to Jim's deli and instead of my usual turkey or a chicken salad sandwich, I ordered the Brookline.  The Brookline had pastrami, corned beef, turkey, russian dressing, cheese and cole slaw!!!  I ate almost the whole things, with a pickle (not sour but that's ok....wasn't a jewish deli) and a side of french fries.  It didn't end there either.  I got a black raspberry shake as well later.

Well the period has arrived thank god so I don't think I'll be ordering meat sandwiches like that for awhile...or at least another three weeks or so.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Yo Bud-get

I'm taking a quick time-out from writing about yoga for one blog that has nothing to do with yoga.

This was my conversation in a meeting today.  No lie.

Douchebag:  "Um, Laura. I didn't ask what you can't do.  I asked what you can do.  For two years you've been telling me what you can't do."

Me:  "No, I've been telling you what I am technologically capable of."

Douchebag:  "Aren't you a designer.  Why can't you just design it."

Me:  "I can. However, I'm not a web designer so I don't know how to do that part." 

Douchebag:  "Who can?"

Me:  "Well I'm the only one in my department with no support so I'm not sure."

Douchebag:  "Well I have some money in my budget to get a web developer."

Me:  "Oh really, you have thousands of dollars?  That's what it will cost."

Douchebag:  "No, it won't cause you will do most of it."

Me:  "Why don't you take some money from your budget and put me in a class so I can actually learn how to do it."

Douchebag:  "No, we aren't going to do that."

Ahhh, I love a company that believes in personal and career development.  Don't you.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Yoga Challenge Day 6

Day 6:
I didn't go to a yoga class today. Instead, I drove two hours with Fred up to NH and hiked Mt. Cardigan.  I haven't done a solo hike in years and with the way I have been feeling, it was really special for myself to be able to do that.  It was difficult at times for sure.  My legs were killing me.  I honestly have no idea how I climbed last year in Peru.  Yoga and hiking use different muscles I think.  Or maybe they don't but it is a whole different kind of exercise.  I wasn't out of breathe as I usually am hiking, which was good.  I just took it really slow.  I took what I am trying to learn in yoga, which is patience and taking one moment at a time.  I stopped hoping that I reached the top of the mountain and I just took it slow, swatted A LOT of bugs, stepped in a lot of mud and made it to the top in a little over two hours. 

Fred was very patient with me.  He was the most amazing climber I've ever seen.  I kept telling him he was a show-off.  We ran into two girls on the ledge and one of them looked at Fred and said, "do you know how lucky you are to be able to do this."  I just smiled because I am lucky too.  To be able to drive and climb and get to see such beautiful things by actually working for it....and to wear my sweeet under armour long-sleeved shirt at the top which makes me feel bad ass. So lucky.

Anyway, I did my flip the dog at the top just so I can say I did yoga.  The picture is above.  But, I think in a way, taking my time and knowing I was lucky, was also a form of yoga. 

Yoga Challenge Day 5

Day 5:
For the record, I took this picture days later. I forgot to take one on that day.  This is my hand at work.

I love Friday classes. There is just something so nice about finishing up a work week and then going to the 6:00 class.  It was the teacher Daniel's last day so he made it 90 minutes...and so many people love him that the class had about 50 people in it.  There was not an inch to be had.  I even got to see the person's feet in front of me, with a band-aid on it and everytime I did upward dog I kept thinking "i wonder what she did." 

Yeah, this focusing thing....I need to get better at it.  It is one of the hardest things to do in life.  Just focus on yourself.  I listen to what the teachers say and how you can't stop your mind but you can just listen for your breathe and I know that it is possible. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. 

I can figure out things like a back bend or a pigeon.  But, to actually take time NOT to focus on things I want to improve in my life; things I want to change, that is lesson I haven't mastered yet.  I am 35 and I haven't mastered it yet.  And that is what I am going to start to do.

Yoga Challenge Day 4

Day 4:
So, I didn't "exactly" go to yoga today.  Work was long and I had a thing to do to after work which lasted until 7, which meant that I missed one of my favorite yoga classes of the week.  By the time, I got Fred from my friend's house, there wasn't a yoga class left.  So, I decided to download a yoga application on my phone that I could use at home.  I had every itention of doing this but by the time I bought a cheeseburger and french fries from pizza etc, it was time to sit down for Grey's Anatomy and Scandal (which is actually getting better).  And Grey's....who is going to die this week!??  Anyway, so I would say day 4 involved buying a yoga app, which clearly in my mind, means I did yoga.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Yoga Challenge Day 3

Today was probably the worst day yet for me.  I couldn't sleep the night before and I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of solitutde and emptimness.  I couldn't get out of bed but I did manage to go in and see my therapist, who was super worried about me.  She called my psychiatrist who has decided to up my meds.  I am on the lowest dose possible (my choice) but unfortuantley, that works great when things in my life are wonderful.  However, when something goes wrong, I tend to be more vulnerable to losing it.  So, I'm upping the dose. No big deal. Whatever helps.  I cried all day.  I cried before yoga.  I cried during shavashana (or however you spell it) and I cried on the way home.  But then I got home and I felt a little better. 

The laundry, however, is not happy.  When will I have time to do it????

Day 3
Today was a new teacher.  He was okay. He talked with a very sweet voice and instead of affirmations, he really focused on how to do the moves. It was a foundations beginning course.  However, I completely rocked the plank, I felt myself do pushups with much more ease, and I did 3 backbends!  And I was sweating profusely again!!!  I need to google this. 

I decided that to reward myself when this is finished I am going to finally get that back tattoo I've been wanting for years. So, in June I'm getting that tat!!!  And my back will be looking really good for it!!

Yoga Challenge Day 2

It was really really hard to get out of bed on Tuesday.  I called in sick and basically laid in my bed all day crying.  It's just what I have to do.  We all have our way of dealing with hurt and pain and that is my way. I hate myself when I do that but it's part of me and that's all I can say about that.

Day 2
I like this teacher. I like what he has to say while he is talking.  You have to hold your poses for a very long time when you are in his class.  I managed to do pretty well and only had to go into child's pose twice, which was pretty amazing considering how I was feeling inside.  I tried to focus just on my breathing but of course my mind drifted to the girl and how much I love her but I found my way back to the breathing.  It doesn't hurt that my pants aren't tight anymore and I actually feel like my back is forming muscles.  Again, I did the backbend.

My boobs almost came out a couple of times.  I still don't understand why I seem to sweat more than anyone else in the class.  I look around. (Yes, I do even though you aren't supposed to) and I look at other people and I am drenched in sweat.  Drenched!  I need two towels and a yogitoe towel just to keep dry.  But sweating is a good thing. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Yoga challenge day 1

A few things have led me to my personal challenge of doing 30 sessions of yoga in 30 days. Mostly though I need to find my inner strength, which is also the name of my studio. Most days I will go there but I'll also do some at home.  It's hot and sweaty yoga, and I love that.  My friend called my a strong warrior woman.  Ironically, I've been called a warrior before. So, maybe I am. Maybe I can really do this. Maybe I can get stronger and get a fine ass and smaller boobs and plank the hell out of myself.

What I like about yoga is that you only focus on yourself and your breathing and making sure you are doing what is right for your body. Last night the teacher said to look forward and not around at other people, which we all have a tendacy to do. That's the truth. I am always comparing my life to other peoples lives. Love, success, happiness, adventures. I dont want to do that anymore.

However, at the same time, it is my turn to love and be loved back.  To myself and by others. And I do love right now. I truly do love someone with my whole heart but she is on a space break from me. I would do anything for her so allowing her to breathe and heal so she can come back to me is just something I am doing. It's so hard because I deserve this love and I miss it. But for now I need to look ahead and just focus on my breathing and the moves I am making and have faith that I will get her love and she will find the strength the same way I do.  So while this isn't exactly the break I was looking to catch, maybe it's exactly how it is supposed to be.

Day 1

I was a little tired going in to yoga tonight but I was also excited to start my challenge. At times I started to look around and compare my leg stretching with others but I tried to just focus back on myself. In time I'll get to a split. I did manage to flip my dog which was funny. I also did a wheel back bend for five breaths which was very satisfying. I remember when I was young I used to go from a stand to a back bend with such ease. I was also not a double d cup size then!!!! All in all I think I had a pretty good class. I did think about my girl but I will learn in the next 30 days to set those toughts free. Maybe if they are free, true love will prevail...I hope so.  Also, if I pray hard enough, a washer and dryer will magically appear at my door.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

What I'm Giving Up For Lent(il)

It's happening again.  I have decided to become a vegan for a couple of months to see if this changes anything about my body. Mostly, I would like to change the inside of my body and how I digest food but I won't get into the specifics of this.  I am combining my vegan diet with at least 5 days at the gym a week doing at least a one hour workout. So far, so good.  I am on day three and I have eaten really healthy foods with no cravings for anything bad for me.  And while nobody would ever notice a change to my body type yet, I can feel a bit of change in my stomach when I touch it.  Slightly.  I am talking really slightly.  However, I know big improvements are coming my way.  They have to!  If I am to give up fried foods, and ice cream and eggs and butter and work out all this time, I better see some changes.

I also did 30 girl pushups at the gym last night.  I need to slowly get myself back into doing the real ones. I can't believe how weak I have gotten in the past few years.  My ultimate goal is to get my boobs to shrink by tightening my pectoral muscles so fingers crossed for this!  I would for once like to put my arms to the side without my boobs getting squished.

When I am on the elliptical for an hour I make up stories about my life.  Yesterday, I had just won $36 million dollars.  I decided to move to Hawaii and hire a personal trainer for $80,000 for 6 months to work solely on me.  He would help me train to get my body to look like Jenifer Aniston's body. I would also hire a nutritionist.  I wouldn't go home for 6 months and I would lose like 40 pounds of fat and gain beautiful muscles.  Then I would come home so people could see my body and how strong I am and then I would travel more. Before I knew it, my hour was up!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Oscar and The Grouch Take 8: Laura's Oscar Predictions

Oscar and Grouch Part 8 (I think):  Laura’s Oscar Predictions
This has been a busy year for me, with getting Fred and all. I didn’t have as much time to go to the movies because I didn’t want to leave him in the crate.  (Coincidentally, this was also my excuse for not going to the gym, going to the grocery store or just leaving the house in general).  Alas, there are many nominated movies that I didn’t get to see this year, I’m sad to say.  Also, there are a few that I saw awhile ago, one I fell asleep watching and one I refused to go see based on other people’s reviews. 

Is it me, or are the nominations this year kind of boring?  Brad Pitt?  George Clooney?  We’ve seen this a thousand times.  And based on the Academy’s love of her, I’m very surprised Amy Adams wasn’t nominated for her role in The Muppets.  And honestly, I’m very surprised that Judi Dench didn’t get a nomination for J. Edgar Hoover.  Also, where are the Brits this year?  I guess the Academy decided that instead of them this year, they would nominate the people who didn’t speak or are over the age of 80.  Or in some cases, don’t speak and are also over the age of 80.

Enjoy my predictions.  And enjoy the show this Sunday, February 26th!  

Demian Bichir for a Better Life:  It bothers me when there are articles saying that this guy “replaced” someone else in this category. He is in this category because he deserves to be in this category.  This was a small movie that packed a big punch.  It made me think about how things work in this country when it comes to immigration. It’s a really sad movie.  And Demian played the part really well.  This is the same guy who played Esteban on Weeds and this character couldn’t be more opposite.  He won’t win but congratulations for making it to this category. 

George Clooney for the Descendants:  I really loved this movie.  I really loved George Clooney in this movie. Is it Oscar worthy?  I’m on the fence about this.  I think there were a lot of scenes that really depicted the range he has as an actor but at the same time, he has played this role before.  He is definitely a top contender for this award.  And I’m thinking he is going to win.

Jean Dujardin for the Artist:  I loved this movie.  It was my favorite of the year.  It was just so cute and simple and heartwarming.  This movie reminded me that sometimes you can say the most by just using facial expressions.  (I happen to be very good at this talent.  Seriously, ask any of my exes).  I think Jean deserves the Oscar for this role.  I really want him to get it.  Not just because he is adorable and French but because he deserves it.  I knew what he was thinking and feeling the entire movie and he didn’t have to say a word.  I’m rooting for him.

Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy:  I had no desire to see this movie.  Everyone I know that saw this movie thought it was very boring.  Therefore, I can’t really say anything more about this except the only thing about this movie that seemed appealing at all was trying to say the title fast five times in a row.  Also, does anyone else have a hard time naming five movies Gary Oldman has been in? I mean I know he is a great actor an all but I can’t name a single movie he has been in.  It’s weird.  It’s always been this way for Gary Oldman.  I also get him confused with Stanley Tucci all the time.  Am I the only one?  Probably.

Brad Pitt for Moneyball:  This guy again?  I fell asleep watching this movie. I’m sure it was good but it just didn’t really send me that’s all.  And why the nomination?  That I don’t understand.   Does this have something to do with his charity in New Orleans? Is this because he is good friends with Ellen Degeneres?  Is it so Angelina shows up to the red carpet?  Honestly, I don’t get it. Because I don’t think it has anything at all to do with his acting because it wasn’t anything special in my book.

Actor in a Supporting Role:
Who Will Win:  Christopher Plummer
Who Should Win:  Nobody
Who Got Robbed:  Every other actor in every movie besides these

This could possibly be the category that I have cared the least about in the eight years I’ve been writing these predictions.  I don’t really have anything good to say about any of this.  Not because I think these guys did a bad job, but I just feel there must have been some better choices out there this year.  There must have been!  Jim Broadbent as Denis Thatcher for example in The Iron Lady?

Kenneth Branagh for My Week With Marilyn:  Unfortunately, this is one of the movies that I didn’t get to see and I’m sad about it.  I will have to wait for it to come out on DVD.  Therefore, I can’t really comment on the acting.  However, why does it matter, everyone has already made up their minds that Christopher Plummer is going to win. 

Jonah Hill for Moneyball:  No.  Enough said. Actually, no I need to say more. What in the hell is he doing in this category?  He hasn’t proven to me that he is talented enough for this yet.  He is like one of those annoying guys who talks over you and never lets you get a word in and thinks he is so cool but actually just looks like an IT nerd that you want to fix your printer.

Nick Nolte for Warrior:  ????  I’ll give him credit for being an ok actor because he did a good job in The Prince of Tides with my girl Babs but this is just the weirdest nomination ever. 

Christopher Plummer for Beginners:  He will win.  Why?  I have no idea.  I watched this movie and the whole time, I kept looking at the timer to see when it would be over and when it would start to get good. I thought it was boring.  I think the idea of the movie was cute and Christopher Plummer was cute in it but I am not sure what all the fuss is about.  Is it because he is playing an older man who is gay?  Is it because he dies?  I don’t get it. 

Max von Sydow in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close:  Again, I’m sad I haven’t seen this movie and I can’t comment on the acting.  I heard through the grapevine though that he also doesn’t speak in this role.  I understand that he is also an old actor or excuse me, a “veteran” actor and that it is his time.  But, Christopher Plummer will get it.  So these two oldies can just fight it out.  I don’t really care.  I might go to the bathroom during this time anyway.

Actress in a Leading Role:
Who Will Win:  Meryl Streep
Who Should Win:  Meryl Streep
Who Got Robbed:  Nobody.  I’m sick of all the reviewers saying that Tilda Swinton got robbed.  Honestly, who wants to see her dressed up anyway.  It is always despicably horrible. 

Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs:  I couldn’t have been more excited for this movie. When I saw the preview, I was just dying for it to come out.  I saw it opening weekend and I left feeling bummed.  The movie acting as a whole was great.  Everyone did a really great job.  But the movie.  Well.  It was just weird.  And the character of Albert Nobbs.  Well.  I just couldn’t really feel for her/him.  She did a great job portraying a male.  But, I didn’t feel for the character so for me, I am going to say she won’t win. 

Viola Davis for The Help:  She was terrific in this movie from the beginning to the end.  This was a character I could really feel for.  I think it is between her and Meryl Streep for the award.  Of course, I’m going to give it to Ms. Streep but that is for later.  Back to Viola.  My favorite scenes in this movie were when she was talking to the child she was a nanny for.  I thought it was so heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.  This movie followed the book to a T and Viola played her character exactly like I thought she would be as I read the book.  I’ll be happy if she wins but a bit disappointed for the Streepinator. 

Rooney Mara for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo:  I loved this book series.  I loved the Swedish versions of these movies.  When I heard that they were making an American version, I was totally pissed.  When I heard that the girl from The Social Network was going to be Lizbeth, I was like, “Uh ok. At least it isn’t Angelina Jolie.”  However, when I saw the preview for this movie, I was so excited because it looked amazing.  And. It. Was.  The movie was just as exciting as the orginial. And while NOBODY can replace Noomi Rapace in this role, Rooney Mara came close.  She was terrific.  I would be happy if she won the award but there is no way she will.  But props to her.  I mean, Rooney had to dye her eyebrows blonde for this role and get two nipple piercings!!  Can you imagine?  The horror.   At least about the eyebrows.

Michelle Williams for My Week With Marilyn:  Again, why didn’t I see this movie?  I think she would have a great chance at winning if this category wasn’t filled with other terrific women.  I am in love with Marilyn Monroe and I can’t imagine another actress who could have looked and sounded like her besides Michelle Williams. This is what, Michelle’s third nomination?  I think she has claimed her stake as a talented actress.  No doubt one day she will win one, it just won’t be this one. 

Meryl  “If she doesn’t win I give up” Streep:  Let’s recap for a second here.  1995 she was robbed for Bridges of Madison County.  Don’t get me started on this again.  2009 Julie and Julia she was robbed again.  (Although I really did love Sandra Bullock in the Blind Side).  And I agree that she should have been nominated in 2006 for The Devil Wears Prada and in 2008 for Doubt but I understand why she didn’t win.  HOWEVER, this is the year she needs to win her third Oscar.  She was just amazing as Margaret Thatcher. The movie itself, was just so so.  But from the moment she came on screen, I thought she WAS Margaret Thatcher.  You can give props to the makeup and costume team for this but it is Meryl Streep who made the character come to life.  She nailed the voice, the walk, the attitude, the personality, the happiness and the sadness of Margaret Thatcher.  She needs to win.  For the love of god, she needs to win.  Also, take a step back and think about the name Meryl.  Have you ever heard of that before for a woman?  Just a thought to take with you.

Actress in a Supporting Role:
Who Will Win:  Octavia Spencer
Who Should Win:  Jessica Chastain
Who Got Robbed:  Bryce Dallas Howard for The Help and Shailene Woodley for The Descendants

Berenice Bejo for The Artist:  Love this movie.  Love her in it.  Just like Jean Dujardin, I knew her every emotion and she didn’t have to say a word.  I’d say she deserves the award if it wasn’t for “The Help” of a couple of other really talented actresses. 

Jessica Chastain for The Help:  I want her to win.  She deserves it. However, it’s going to be her cast mate Octavia who picks up the Oscar this year I say.  I just think Jessica played the part of Celia perfectly.  I could really feel for her character and she was one of the only white characters in this movie who you could cheer for.  Her character was color blind, and just wanted to fit in like everyone else.  She might not win this year, but look out for her in years to come.

Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids:  Great nomination.  She was hilarious in this movie.  And before you go on and on about how comedic actresses never get nominated, let’s not forget that Renee Zellweger was nominated for Bridget Jones Diary.  She obviously won’t win, but good for her! 

Janet McTeer for Albert Nobbs:  I was so sure when I saw the preview and first read all the reviews of Albert Nobbs, that she would win for this role.  But after seeing the movie, I don’t think this could happen.  I mean, she did a good job playing a woman who lives as a man.  And how did they cover up those huge jugs of hers in costume????  If someone can help me do that to mine, I would be forever grateful.  You know, without the duct tape and all.

Octavia Spencer for The Help:  Yup. She took a shit in a pie and made Hilly eat it.  That is awesome.  Hilly was a bitch and deserved it. She also taught Ceclia how to cook fried chicken.  I think she was great in this role, but I am just so in love with Jessica Chastain in this movie that it’s hard not to be biased here.  I think Octavia will win it.  I’ll be okay with that.

Best Picture:
Who Will Win:  The Artist
Who Should Win:  The Artist
Who Got Robbed:  Wow, this is a toss up between Jack and Jill and Transformers 3.  Really nobody was robbed because The Artist deserves is among all movies this year

The Artist:  This needs to win.  It will win.  A black and white silent film in 2012 which shows us that simplicity can prevail after all.

The Descendants:  This would be my second choice to win.  I really did love this movie.  I think everyone in this film did a great job.  Even Judy Greer, who usually plays the annoying sarcastic friend who is always unlucky in love in comedies. 

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close:  I haven’t seen this yet.  Did the kid in the movie talk about his “heavy boots” as much as he did in the book?  That was the one part of the book that absolutely drove me nuts.  So if he did, I would probably give the movie a B-.

The Help: This would be my third choice to win.  This was probably one of the strongest casts in films in a very long time. 

Hugo:  I haven’t seen it but I want to.  Let’s just assume that Martin Scorsese will win for directing.  That is enough.  I don’t really want to hear him talk more than once in the evening anyway.

Midnight in Paris:  I would love this movie to win for best original screenplay.  Unfortunately, Woody Allen is still suffering from the whole sleeping with his stepdaughter thing and the academy isn’t taking him seriously.  This was such an original and creative movie.  Plus, it doesn’t hurt that I’m totally addicted to the 1920’s lately. 

Moneyball:  No. Enough said.  I don’t care that it took ten years to make this film, Brad. I really don’t.

The Tree of Life:  I haven’t seen this.  Some reviewers say it should win. Isn’t Brad Pitt in this too?  It doesn’t stand a chance.  Even if Jessica Chastain was in it and I’m sure was fantastic.  This won’t win. 

War Horse:  I really liked this movie.  Maybe it is because I am also addicted to war movies and animals.  This was supposed to be the movie spectacle of the year but as I said before, I think people weren’t really looking for a spectacle this year. 

Just some other things:
1)       1)  A Separation.  I heard this movie was amazing. It will definitely win for best foreign film. 
2)       2) Costume design always goes to those timely pieces so Anonymous will probably win.
3)       3) Makeup should be Iron Lady for making it the one character in any movie that didn't bother me because of the gap in her teeth. 
44    4) The camera will turn to Angelina looking at Brad no less than ten times.