Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Friday, February 26, 2010


I have had a mouse problem for a few weeks now.  I first saw the little guy in my bathroom run from the wall to the radiator.  I decided to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen.  I went away for the weekend and came back and realized that there was a hole in my bathroom wall.  I covered the hole with an O magazine. 

Then I saw it again a day later run from the radiator in my kitchen to behind the fridge.  Then I saw it run from my closet to under my Ikea locker to the kitchen. And pretty much every night I have heard it in my closet rummaging around. I have set traps, put the electronic noise traps, banged on my wall.....rang bells, talked really loudly but nothing seems to work. 

I finally called the landlord and told him I needed help and that someone had to go through my closet because I can't deal with it.  He said he would put down sticky traps but I said "No! I don't want to see those."  (At my old job there used to be sticky traps and when they landed on them I would make facilities put the traps in hot water and let them lose).  Last night was the last straw. The mouse ran behind my TV.  Nobody disturbs my TV time.  I called the landlord this morning and said, "Sticky traps are a go."

I think the reason I get so freaked out my mice is because they scurry around all the time.  If the mouse could just be chill, I think we could come to a mutual arrangement.  For example:

Me: (sitting in my living room watching TV)
Mouse:  (walk in on hind legs like Stuart Little or Fievel) Hey Laura.  What's up?
Me:  Not much.  Just watching some TV.
Mouse:  Hey I was's really cold outside. Would it be okay if I just slept here out of the cold?
Me:  I suppose.  Just keep it really quiet. I don't even want to know you are here.
Mouse: No problem, Laura
Me:  And make sure you leave before I wake up and for gods sake...CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT BEFORE YOU GO.
Mouse:  Always do.  Thanks buddy.

I think then I would feel a lot better about sharing my apartment with a mouse. Especially if the mouse wore a fedora.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

In Person

Today is Thursday, which means that since Sunday at my parents, I have spoken (in person) with probably no more than 8 people.  This includes my therapist and my primary care physican before a pap.  Hardly anyone talks where I work so I sit all day by myself and then I go home to my apartment by myself.  I don't think interaction with less than 10 people in a week is good for me.  I have spent way to much time in my head this week. I don't like being around people always but I should probably go out once a week with someone just to keep my English up at least.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Oscar and the Couch Part 7: Laura's Oscar Predictions

Oscar and the Couch Part 7

Welcome to the seventh installment of Laura's Oscar predictions. While last year's show was very much a disappointment with Hugh Jackman's opening number, this year promises to be funny with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. I am very excited to see what they will do with ten movies up for best picture. How you can put The Hurt Locker up against District 9, I will never know. And I am really hoping they go back to the basics this year and actually show scenes of the nominated actors when they call their names. But alas, here are my predictions. Enjoy. Pass along. And watch March 7th!

Performance by an actor in a leading role
1. Jeff Bridges for “Crazy Heart”
Don’t turn your nose up because you say you “don’t like country music”. Seriously, turn down the Taylor Swift Pandora station you have in the background right now and keep reading. I think that Jeff Bridges is pretty much a shoe-in to win this thing playing a down-and-out country music star named Bad Blake. And I wouldn’t be upset if he did. At first I thought this was going to be the “don’t even get me started on Mickey Rourke” thing from last year about a white trash man destined to destroy his life but it was just the opposite. This was a role about redemption. And he was brilliant in it. My favorite line, “Ain't rememberin' wonderful?”

The scene they will show when Jeff Bridges is announced: when he loses the kid in the mall and he is drunk and he is talking to the security guard.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
2. George Clooney for “Up in the Air”
I loved this movie and I loved Clooney in it. Will he win the Oscar for this role? Survey says….no. They keep talking in the media how this was the role of Clooney’s life and he was destined to play this character. I’m going to disagree with this statement. I do think he deserves the nomation though. Great line from the film, “you’re a parenthesis.” Ouch.

The scene they will show when George Clooney is announced: probably when he is giving his speech to the crowd of people talking about the backpack.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
3. Colin Firth for “A Single Man”
I have not seen this film yet. I really want to and I am sure he is fabulous in it. He plays a gay man. Not sure why people are surprised by this. Wasn’t he basically playing a gay man in every role he has ever done? Did people honestly think he was straight in Bridget Jones Diary? At least in Mama Mia he was finally gay. Anyway, probably a great role. He won’t win.

The scene they will show when Colin Firth is announced: haven’t seen it. Probably a scene where he is gay.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
4. Morgan Freeman for “Invictus”
This movie can without a doubt be nominated for most boring movie of the year. However, Morgan Freeman was born to play Nelson Mandela or at least born to wear those famous brown and yellow flower button down shirts. He was perfect in this role. He was the only thing that kept me awake during it. He will not win but kudos for a job well done. I even forgot for a moment that he was sleeping with his 27 year old step grand-daughter.

The scene they will show when Morgan Freeman is announced: whenever he said he is the master of his fate and the captain of his soul or some crap like that.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
5. Jeremy Renner for “The Hurt Locker”
Let me start by saying that I think this film will take it all. Sorry Avatar. Now, let me say that I would love it if Jeremy Renner won for this role. He had me captured from the moment he came on screen to the very last scene. And that scene were he had to take the bomb out of the kid’s belly. Wow. He acted with his words and his body movement and his eyes. I believed it 100%. He should win.

The scene they will show when Jeremy Renner is announced: probably the one where is is dissembling the bomb in the car and he gets all pissed off and throws his radio out the window.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
6. Tiger Woods for “I’m Deeply Sorry Press Conference”
I am not a believer that talented sports legends should cross-over into the world of acting. But Tiger Woods has proven himself a worthy player.

The scene they will show when Tiger Woods is announced: I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused those of you in this room. I have let you down. I have let down my fans.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role (or as I would like to call it this year….we couldn’t find anyone really to chose from so we just chose these guys)
1. Matt Damon for “Invictus”
Or should I say…any random guy for Invictus. Will somebody explain to me why Matt Damon is nominated for this? Was it because he, for once, did not a play a man with a Boston accent? ANY. Let me repeat. ANY South African could have played this role. All they had to do was put a blonde wig on the guy and it would have been better than Matt Damon in this role. (See…Sandra Bullock for blonde wig advice). Sorry Francois Pienaar. Thanks to Matt Damon, we still don’t really know who you are. Was Brad Pitt in this movie too? And I could have sworn I saw Ben Affleck in the stands or something.

Scene they will show when Matt Damon is announced: Was Matt Damon even in this movie?

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
2. Woody Harrelson for “The Messenger”
I didn’t see this movie. But Christoph Waltz will win so it doesn’t matter.

Scene they will show when Woody Harelson is announced: doesn’t really matter because Christoph Waltz will win.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
3. Christopher Plummer for “The Last Station”
I didn’t see this movie. I plan to. The only reason I can think that he will take this over Christoph Waltz is because he is the oldest nominee in this category and this is the first time he has ever been nominated.

Scene they will show when Christopher Plummer is announced: doesn’t really matter because Christoph Waltz will win unless of course they decide to give it to the old guy and the scene will probably have him throwing something and acting angry.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
4.  Stanley Tucci for “The Lovley Bones”
I didn’t see this movie. But Christoph Waltz will win so it doesn’t matter. I think this movie was supposed to get more accolades then it really did so they had to nominate it for something. I think it would have been better to nominate him for Julie and Julia.

Scene they will show when Staley Tucci is announced: doesn’t really matter because Christoph Waltz will win.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
5. Christoph Waltz for “Inglorious Basterds”
It took me three nights to get through this movie and I am sure I missed a lot since most of it was in subtitles and I was still watching it on my little TV. However, he really did do a great job in this role. The scene with the streusel was savory and I still don’t know if he knew Shosanna was the woman in the restaurant. He will win. Token Holocaust win. But well deserved.

Scene they will show when Christoph Waltz is announced: either the streusel scene o the scene at the beginning when he is talking to the father who is hiding the family.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
6. Kayne West for "Half Ass Apology"
There hasn't been a rap star that has been more real and sympathetic since Snoop Dogg's gold plated toilet accidentally fell through his ceiling and nailed Celine Dion on her head causing her to now be infertile.

Scene they will show when Kayne West is announced: scene when he says he likes the lyrics about being a cheerleader and being in the bleachers.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
1. Sandra Bullock for “The Blind Side”
This nomination reminds me of Julia Roberts and her win for Erin Brockovich. Same idea. Different year. Different story. Take away the water pollution; add a poor black teenager. Delete the law. Add the football. Take away the cleavage and add the blonde wig. And hopefully Sandra won’t be wearing the same black and white Valentino dress. BTW…Julia declined this role because it wasn’t enough money. Just sayin. I loved Sandra Bullock in this role. Every time she was on screen, I wanted more. Will see win? It is between her and Meryl Streep and I can sincerely say that I have no idea. I am going to give it to Meryl Streep but I won’t put money down on this one.

Scene they will show when Sandra Bullock is announced: the scene where she tells the coach off.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
2. Helen Mirren for “The Last Station”
This is the only actress in this category that I don’t want to win. Why? One reason. I am concerned that Helen Mirren is turning into Dame Judi Freaking Dench and will be nominated every time she is in a movie. Although I understand this nomination because it was the only period piece that was nominated and of course a period piece needs to be nominated. Unless you call Amy Adams role in Julie and Julia a period piece because she was acting like she was PMSing the entire time. No matter, she won’t win. But I am sure she will look very classy as she always looks classy. Also, Helen Mirren was supposed to play Mariah Carey’s role in Precious but she had another movie to do. Mariah Carey should be on her knees thanking Ms. Mirren.

Scene they will show when Helen Mirren is announced: I haven’t seen this movie but I am sure a scene much like Christopher Plummer where she is yelling and throwing something.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
3. Carey Mulligan for “An Education”
I thought this was another simple but very well written movie and I think Carey Mulligan did an excellent job. Unfortunately for her, there are just a few stronger (and more well known) actresses this year so I’ll put this into the Anne Hathaway category last year and the Ellen Page the year before. The “yes, you were great but just not great enough” category. Also, can someone tell her she doesn’t need to stand with her head cocked to the side all the time? She can win cutest chick at the Oscars category though.

Scene they will show when Carey Mulligan is announced: probably the scene where she is talking to her teacher about not being wise. “I feel old but not wise”. Something like that.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
4. Gabourey Sidibe for "Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire co written by Diamond based on the non-fictional work Sit adapted by Emerald"
Ok. Those who know me, may or may not say that I gave this movie a very hard time! I left with my tail in between my legs. The acting in this movie was nothing short of brilliant. Will she win? No. Is this a worthy nomination. Absolutely.

Scene they will show when Gabourey Sidibe is announced: the scene when she tells her teacher she is HIV positive.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
5. Meryl Streep for "Julie and Julia"
I am a huge fan of Meryl Streep. I thought she should have won last year for Doubt. And I am still not over her loss for Bridges of Madison County. This year, I hope she wins. Is there anyone who could have played Julia Child with more precision than Meryl Streep? The answer is no! She was parfait!!!

Scene they will show when Meryl Streep is announced: there are so many to chose from but I think they will show her when she is on TV saying never apologize.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
6. Paris Jackson for “Goodbye to Father”
This actress came out of nowhere. In fact, we have never ever seen her before this funeral scene.

Scene they will show when Paris Jackson is announced: Ever since I was born, daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him sooo…(tear, sob) much (tear, sob)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
1. Penelope Cruz for “Nine”
Come on! She won last year. Really? Didn’t see this movie and I probably won’t for awhile. Isn’t this the movie where Kate Hudson falls in love with Matthew McConaughey but he is too rich and handsome so he leaves her only to realize that he needs to jump off a boat and ride his motorcycle to the ad agency she works out and tells her he loves her? I can’t rememeber. Either way, she won’t win.

Scene they will show when Penelope Cruz is announced: probably a scene where she is in bed with hardly any clothes on. Can she even sing? I know she can act when she is in Spanish roles but I had no idea she could sing.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
2. Vera Farmiga for “Up in the Air”
I loved her in this movie and I would say she could probably win if Mo’Nique wasn’t nominated this year. In all honestly, I am not sure why they even nominated anyone else. Regardless, she was great in this role and if you haven't seen it, takes a surprising villain turn in the end. Maybe another year, Vera.

Scene they will show when Vera Farmiga is announced: the scene where she was explaining getting older to Anna Kendrick.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
3. Maggie Gyllenhaal for “Crazy Heart”
I thought she did a great job in this role. Do I think it is Oscar worthy? Not really. But that doesn't matter since Mo’Nique will win. Also, can Maggie wear a bra in any role she plays?

Scene they will show when Maggie Gyllenhaal is announced: the scene when she leaves Bad Blake after he lost her son.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
4. Anna Kendrick for “Up in the Air”
Again, I thought this was a great role and she did a fabulous job. Well really, her greatest scene was the one where she was explaining her perfect mate. I think that is basically the reason she is nominated. But she won’t win.

Scene they will show when Anna Kendrick is announced: the scene where she was explaining her perfect mate., which was a brilliant scene.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
5. Mo’Nique for "Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire cobased on the science fiction novel ‘Throw’ by Huey Lewy Gooey adapted for stage by Oogley Doogaley"
She will win. I have no doubt. When I first started watching this, I was annoyed by her nomination because it seemed all she was doing was abusing her child and swearing and yelling. However, the last scene was just amazing. It made me cry. I couldn’t believe how real it seemed and how even for a second…just a tiny second, you felt bad for the mother only to realize that she deserved everything she got. She will win. I just hope she doesn’t thank Oprah.

Scene they will show when Mo’Nique is announced: the ending scene in the welfare office.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
6. Janet Jackson for “Goodbye to Father”
While she had no actual lines, her heartfelt hand gestures towards to the microphone to niece Paris was heartwrenching. Even behind those sunglasses, stood a woman in deep torment.

Scene they will show when Janet Jackson is announced: the funeral scene.

Best motion picture of the year (Yes, there are 10 to choose from) I am not sure why they nominated ten movies when really it is only between two: Avatar and The Hurt Locker

Avatar – I think this was a fantastic and beautiful film. The special effects were off the charts. Will it win best movie of the year? I think it will take every other award including art direction, cinematography and director. But I think The Hurt Locker will surprise and take best of the year. As it should.

The Blind Side – This was wonderfully acted and a great story. Best picture of the year? No. Also, still not 100% sure what the hell the blind side really means in football. They went past this really quickly at the beginning and I was still trying to decide if I liked Sandra Bullock’s southern accent at this point so I lost out on understanding this.

District 9 – So glad we have ten to choose from this. God forbid this one gets knocked out of the running.
I didn’t realize 15 year old teenage boys jerking off in a sock in their bedrooms was the new target audience for the Oscars.

An Education – This is just another example of beautifully written and acted movie. If this were the BAFTA’s it would probably win. It is not. It is the Oscars so it has no chance.

The Hurt Locker – This will win. I know. I know. How can I say this will win over Avatar. Simply because overall it had it all (acting, writing, directing) and of course it showed us another side of war we might not fully understand. A side where we don’t have rainbow dragons to ride on.

Inglorious Basterds – Token Oscar Holocaust movie. Not surprised it is here. Won’t win.

Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire: otherwise known as Pull based on the Novel by Opal written by Ruby adapted for Gentle Pressure – Wonderful movie. Will it win? No. And kudos to Oprah for being able to mention herself in her own film she produced. We get it. You were sexually molested as a child. Moving on.

A Serious Man – I am so over the Coen brothers.

Up –Nominated for best animation (which it will win). Get out of best movie category please. If this wasn’t an animated film, it would just be about a sad man who runs away from a nursing home after his wife died. SAD!

Up in the Air – Not be confused with Up: The true story of a sad man who flies away in a balloon hiding from the nursing home. Will win best adapted screenplay.

Things to look out for:
 - Something to do with Michael Jackson's "This Is It" (even though we have seen this in every other damn award show this year).

 - Wyclef Jean singing a song to commerate Haiti with a standing ovation and a camera nod to Fergie.

 - Oprah crying when Mo’Nique wins

In conclusion:
Best Actor should win: Jeremey Renner
Best Actor will win: Jeff Bridges

Best Actress should win: Meryl Streep
Best Actress will win: Meryl Streep

Best Supporting Actor should win: Christoph Waltz
Best Supporting Actor will win: Christoph Waltz

Best Supporting Actress should win: Mo'Nique
Best Supporting Actress will win: Mo'Nique

Best Picture should win:  The Hurt Locker
Best Picture will win:  The Hurt Locker

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sans Frans

Things I learned that I could do without in San Fran.

1.  The sweater dress look that shows off the coochie. 

2.  The black outfits with the brown boots. I don't care how fashionable you think you are: brown boots don't go with black pants or a black skirt or a black and white striped shirt or really anything like that for that matter.  Here's an example of what not to wear (but I only had a carry on for the love of god so fucking sue me because I wasn't trying to be fashionble). 

3.  The bus system.  Kind of nasty.  Not that I am a huge fan of Boston, but at least on the buses you know where the next stop is.  Buses are disgusting in a general sense anyway and being the fabulous gay woman I am; I really shouldn't have to be riding the bus.  I should be on my commuter bike.  Oh wait, I don't have one of those either. 

4.  Coffee cups with stamped logos.  Really?  Are you trying to look like you are cheap and good for the environment this way?  Newsflash.  Your cup is still made out of paper.

5.  Homeless people.  Seriously, the weather is better in San Diego. Go there.

6.  Everyone in the west coast seems to think that Jasper is a good name for a child.  It isn't. 

Monday, February 8, 2010


This years Superbowl commercials made me sick!  What is happening?  Are the people in the ad industry really getting that lazy or are they hiring lameass Syracuse University graduates out of college to write them?  Come on!  There has to be someone out there who can be more creative than naked bodies, babies, animals and women in hot tubs. 

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I moved to NY after I graduated Syracuse with a degree in advertising.  What if I actually made it in the field.  Would I have succumb to the laziness that the ad industry so obviously has?  I guess I'll never know. 

Polly want to crack her?

Sometimes I think I am like a dungenous crab.  I have a really hard outer layer; sometimes it might even hurt for a second to touch me if you hit me on my thorny part.  But if you get the right tools to crack me, I can be cracked pretty easily and inside you find a nice succulent piece of meat that you can't get enough of.

The problem is a lot of people don't know the right tools to crack me.  You can't crack a dungeous crab with a butter knife.  You don't always have to be so gentle.  Sometimes I need to be kicked in the ass. But you also can't crack me with a rock.  I mean you can, but then when you do, you will make a big mess.  Meaning, don't try to get to know me by putting me down and being too tough. It won't work. 

Today, on the way to work, I cried.  Why?  Because two ambulances passed me and when I finally caught up, found out that they were stopping for a homeless man who I think was dead.  And it made me sad.  And it makes me sad that I have to drive by this everyday.  And that I have to work for such a sad cause.  And that I have to pass such saddness on the way to my sad cause. 

I want a job where I can wear jeans and bring my dog.  And laugh and make money. And go home.  I don't want to cry on the way to work.

Friday, February 5, 2010

New Dream Job

I know exactly what I need to do for work to be happy everyday. I want to be the DJ on xm radio's Broadway station (75). Are you serious??? I can talk about Broadway all day long and hang out with (what I can only imagine) hot gay men? Sign me up.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I put the eye in environment

Recently everywhere I go, I am reminded about how my life so closely resembles the environment. My life is full of things that are beautiful, uncertain and sometimes downright torrential.

When it comes to friends, I find that I have some kept in a nice sealed storage container that sits on my shelf protected from nasty things like mice. Or maybe folded up real nice and clipped or rubber banded. These friends are the ones that are always on my side; regardless of the situation or "dynamics" of a particular situation. These friends listen to me and don't judge me. But also, they don't let other people hurt me. I don't have many friends that are currently sitting on my shelf all nice and tidy. But the ones who are-know who they are.

I also have friends who I want to recycle. Recycling to me is so annoying. I know I have to do it and wash then and separate them from other trash, but sometimes all I really want to do is throw them away. These friends have been there for me but don't really know me the way I think they should. These friends can come back and I can have them in my life...but the second time around, they are always just a little bit different. After all, you can recycle but you can't ever get the original back. But sometimes the second time around things can look really cool.

Then I have friends who I just want to dump in the trash and never see again. These are the useless friends who have time after time proved that they are not worthy of my time. They are hurtful and they smell bad. There is just no reason to sort these friends into recycling. They belong in a landfill somewhere....waiting for someone else to deal with.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I try not to make it a point to discuss ex girlfriends on my blog by name and things they say. But you know what, if you are going to text me something so rude and ridculous. I am going to write about it.

Direct quote from my latest girl I "dated" who btw said about 5 of the things on my "Do not say to me list from this year".

Here are the text comments today (just so there is no confusion to how GIRLS ACTUALLY TALK TO ME. OH YEAH! Is that why you called me on Friday. Is that why you keep butt dialing me?

"After I discovered youwent to Seattle on my dime to screw a 3 day crew member, I really have no need to speak with you. You used me plain and simple. I thought you cared about me. It's a hard pill to swallow. I called you on Friday in a moment of weakness. I realize it was a bad idea. You didn't even have the heart to call me on Friday because you know you used me. You can't even apologize for what you've done. Of course you are happy just rolling to the next girl with my money, adding up all the things I gave you. Just like you showed off the watch Emily gave you. It only took me a few weeks to see your game that's why I became so critical of you. I coudl see you using me, waiting for the next gift or dinner.I sensed it at the Vineyard and I ignored I wanted to believe I was wrong. I've learned to never ignore my gut. I never wanted to bring you down. you do that to yourself. I'm not a vengeful person. Karma will take care of you"

Yes, ladies and gentleman. That is how girls in my past have talked to me. 4 of them this year to be exact. But no more. I will never allow this kind of manipulative, controlling, self-hating behavior take over again. I have reached the bottom of my fish barrel and complete emptiness. And when I did, I found something even better. Myself.

I find that only unhappy people are mean like this. No matter what happened (dated 4 weeks tops btw). It isn't me. Because I didn't say anything mean. I didn't. I just ignored. I just let it go as something that didn't work out. But she got mean. And that is because she is angry. But that doesn't make it ok to be mean to me.

In 2010: I DON'T DO MEAN. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. I REFUSE TO DO MEAN. If you are mean, I will not have anything to do with you. Except for my own personal gain (which is a chapter in my book one day).

Now that I've done that, I have met someone who is so incredible. Someone who will never in a million years make me feel as low, and worthless as the people I have allowed in lately. NOBODY disgraces that without a beating from me. Nobody.