Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I guess I am ready to write about this now

I have been thinking for a couple of weeks about how to write about my trip to Baton Rouge.  It was only for a few days but it was very telling for me.  I thought about it a lot.  Then I got busy at work and I put it in the back of my brain.  The part of my brain I put a lot of things I don't want to think about anymore. I was feeling the back of my head today and I felt a big bump and I thought to myself, "i have a lot of stuff back there.  too bad I don't know what any of it is." And I said it to myself with that look I get on my face when I am confused.  The look some mistake as my bitch face.  Please follow the chart below to see the different faces.

Laura looking confused

Laura looking really annoyed

Laura pretending to care

Laura either up to something or happy

Anyway....I went to Baton Rouge a couple of weeks ago to go to my first ex boyfriends funeral. Heartbreaking.  He was 35 and he had ALS.  So devastating I don't even know how to talk about it. I dated him all through college and then moved to Baton Rouge with him.  Then when we broke up, I didn't see him again.  That was in 1999.  And I'll never see him again.  And for that I will be sad forever.  Because I spent so much time being upset about the time I had in college (I HATED COLLEGE)...that I let that stop me from calling him or talking to him again.  And he was a great guy.  But I did write him a card a few months before he died. And he got it. And I am so happy I did that.

But was most telling for me on this trip was this.  I don't have any friends that I've had for years and years and years.  People come and go in my life. And most don't stick for various reasons.  And as sarcastic as I am about keeps coming up for me in therapy and it bothers me. 

I am happy that I have met so many people in my life and whenever I feel down, I know have the power to think about those people. Yet, if I was to get married today, I don't have anyone who I could ask to be my bridesmaids. sisters of course. Not that I would have bridesmaids.  Just a thought.  And I actually for second thought, "who would come to my funeral?" which was so morbid that even I hit myself over the head for thinking that one. 

When we broke up, he met another woman and fell in love.  A wonderful amazing incredible woman.  And I was upset when it happened.  Upset for years.  Then I met her in Baton Rouge and she is one of the strongest people I've ever met.  And there love was one of the realiest and strongest I've ever heard of.  And then he died.  And she lost him.

Since him, I haven't had a relationship that has lastest longer than a few months. I have but they probably shouldn't have.  And I don't know what I have done wrong.  Of course I have theories...for another blog.

All of his college friends who have all stayed in touch were there.  And then I showed up.  And they were nice.  Very nice.  I don't think they realized the impact he made on my life.  And because I didn't stay in touch, maybe they didn't realize that it was very painful for me too.  But I loved him at one point, which is something they never experienced.  I may not have experienced his life after 1999, but that doesn't take away from what I did. And the one person...the one person who understood was his wife. She is so amazing.  I didn't cry.  Until the very end of the night.  Then I bawled. In a bar. Of course.  Sidenote...what's up with me crying in bars.  Hello....subconcious????!!!! 

I hated living in Baton Rouge. It was a tough time for me for a few years. I met some good people but something about Baton Rouge makes me really sad.  And I don't really want to go back. I surpressed a lot of my life in the back of my brain and I had a hard time breathing when I was there. 
But I'll go back to New Orleans to see my LA/Baton Rouge friends. 

Anyway, I am really happy I went.  And I am really happy I am who I am..even when I am down.  I might not have it all. But I have a lot.  And I am allowed to feel sad about things that are sad. And finally, I found a cause I actually care about.  Yay for me!  Move over homeless, alzheimers, disablities, breast cancer....theres a new cause to walk, ride, run for.  hahahah

1 comment:

becky said...

Wow Roost....pretty amazing experience, all of it. You're a rockstar and i love you for it!