Laura Goldberg

Laura Goldberg

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oscar and the Couch: The Recap

Here is what I learned from last night.

1.  WTF Kathy Irleand!! What was she doing as the red carpet host?  She looked like a giraffe.  A giraffe with a diamond studded collar.  Horrible!

2.  Could Kristen Stewart be more pissed off that she had to present an Oscar.  Guess what!!!  You are a nobody.  You should be on your knees with gratitutde.  And save your cough for off stage.  You had one minute.  Stand up straight. 

3.  I love Gabby.  I do.  And that's awesome that her self esteem is so high.  But really, you need to lose weight.  You had to sit in a chair specifically put there for you. If you aren't careful, you are going to be the fat black girl in all of Tyler Perry's upcoming movies the rest of your life.  It's not healthy. Try.

4.  Poor Meryl.  You should have won. But Sandra is awesome too.  How does that red lipstick stay like that all night???  When I put lipstick on, it gets smudged all over my face and stained for like three days.

5.  Miley Cyrus??  Don't open your mouth unless you are singing a song.  Don't act.  Don't talk. 

6.  Same with Jennifer Lopez.  She is beautiful. But then she opens her mouth and she sounds like street trash.  Stick with what you do best. Dancing about Louis Viutton.  And is anyone buying the Marc Anthony marriage.  He is hitting her over the head with a frying pan fo shiz. That puffed out dress is covering up some major bruisage.

7.  Um....could the actors of the 80s look more washed out????  Judd Nelson and Ali Sheedy. What happened to you?  M. Caulkin. Are you anorexic? 

8.  James Taylor?  Were you trying to advertise your upcoming tour which you are selling tickets for no less than $160 a pop for???? 

9.  I am glad that they went back to showing movie scenes when actors were announced.  EXCEPT for the main ones.  It's nice and all that other actors come out but I want to see scenes!!!

10.  Love Neil Patrick Harris. But wasn't funny.  Looking forward to the Tonys.

11.  Charlize Theron....rose boobs?

12.  Could George Clooney's girlfriend look more irritated that everyone was saying he was a lifelong bachelor?  He is going to break up with you in three weeks.  Get over it.  You got to go to the Oscars!  And you have kind of buck teeth.

13.  I knew Avatar wouldn't win it all!! I am happy for that.  I loved the movie but it wasn't an Oscar worthy movie for acting.  You won for special effects.  It's where you belonged.  

14.  LOVED how Barbara Streisand came out to give the Oscar to the first female ever to win.  It was a big fuck you for losing for Prince of Tides!  She might as well been sticking her middle finger up.  And ever notice that she can't clap because her nails are too long.

15. Messing up your lines is like falling in the Olympics. You practice forever for this.  Just get it right for the main event.  You get a gift basket worth $45k or something for doing it.  If I had to work for 30 seconds a year for that, I'd get it right.

16.  Still do not understand how District 9 was nominated. I don't think anyone in the audience understood either. I don't even think the director understood.

17.  Where was Jack, Nicole, Brad, Angie, Jennifer, Tom?   Where was the tension?  Where was everyone???

18.  When Barbara said, "the time has come", Kathryn assumed it was her.  Imagine if it was Lee who won.  That would have been hilarious!!!!!

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