When push comes to shove

Now it's always a fun experience going to a Red Sox game.  I mean two games ago, my right boob caught Manny's foul ball.  And there is always plenty of food to eat.  Last night, I had a foot long.  And usually I eat at least two Fenway franks and a pretzel.  But the one thing I wish they had a game, even when it is 50 degrees out, is dippin dots!!

Oh wait....they have something even better than that.  Last night, we had the honor of sitting in front of Mr. & Mrs. Drunky and Ditzy Drunkerstein.  If you can take a look a moment to look at the photo for evidence.  To the left, Mrs. Ditzy.  Mrs. Ditzy here used to work at Dippin Dots in the mall.  That's where she met Mr. Drunky Drunkerstein, who is a Verizon salesman at the kiosk at the mall.  

Now, Mr. D is shy....when "push comes to shove", he is really shy.  It took him five years to ask Mrs. Ditzy out.  Mr. and Mrs. D both really love to drink beer.  Mrs. D. likes wear jeans with lots of holes in it.  And according to Mrs. Pink, on my right, Mrs. D. is gorgeous with amazing eyebrows.  

About an hour into the drunken madness, Mrs. Pink asked Mr. and Mrs. D. when they met.  It was then that I turned around in what I thought was my inside voice, but was really in my very loud outside voice, "Two Hours Ago!". 

How are you?

Do people not realize that when I ask "how are you?", it is usually a rhetorical question?  It is not a chance for you to let me know how great everything in your life is, how you met a new girl, how you got a raise, how you bought a great new home, how life is just wonderful.  It usual just means, "hey, I am going to be nice and ask how you are so you can quickly say good and you?"  

Take that David Blaine!

Forget catching a bullet in your mouth or hanging upside for 60 hours.  

I just spend a whole two hours eating. That's right...eating.  And I lived to write about it.  Now that's magic.  Or was it an illusion?  Hmmm.......

My eggs are almost expired!

I was just exploring Craigslist to see about work and I thought I would try out 

1.  surrogacy

2. egg donation

But, with surrogacy, I have to already have a kid of my own. Damn.  And with egg donation, I have to be between 20-31.  That means I only have two months to lay my eggs!!!  

It is true.  The older you get, the harder it is to find work!

Have a seat....this one will shock you.

Clay Aiken is gay.  I am shocked and appalled.  I can't believe it.  I mean all the rumors that he was a straight laced heterosexual are not true.  Do we have any hope in this world?  

Also, I was just watching the new 90210. Yes, I was.  And I probably won't be watching that again. Anyway, I was watching what I thought were previews for next week shows until I realized it was a recap of last week's Privileged.  All the shows are the same.  

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch Fringe about a group of people with abilities and talents that are unexplainable.  Nothing at all like Heroes.  Nothing.

DVR

I love DVR.  I love cable.  I even love my little TV.  I have missed it so much.  I stayed up for hours watching on demand and the Daily Show.  It was amazing.  I watched Heroes..huh?  I watched CSI:  Miami and realized that there is no reason I can't be in Hollywood if David Caruso can spend seven years on that show.  How many sunglasses do you think they have in the prop room for the show...it seems his break every episode.  

I watched How I Met Your Mother and was a little disappointed.  I say the funniest part last night was when Neil Patrick Harris was acting like a puppy in love but really he was acting kind of gay.

Tonight, I get to record Fringe and SVU.  Love it! Love it! Love it!

Now if you can excuse me, I am off to watch the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  That show makes me feel better about my life.  And since I have been feeling kind of down the past two days, that will help.

Wait, does me feeling down the past two days correlate at all to the fact that all I've been doing is watching tv? Something to think about.  

Top five things I learned during my trip to LA

1. I love jerky. I mean LOVE it. Like...going to go online to www.getmyjerky.com and buy lots of it.

2. It's okay to drink a whole milk caramel iced coffee frap thing when it means you get to walk by Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres when drinking it.

3. I actually kept my cool when I walked by Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres.

4. I love port.

5. Klonopin is dangerous. Klonopin, port and ostrich jerky together would be amazing. Klonopin, port, ostrich jerky, turkey jerky and ellena and portia together would be even more amazing.

My Emmy Speech

"Oh gosh. Oh man. Thank you. This is so crazy. Bush sucks. I don't deserve this. Everyone said I would be so nervous and they were right. Vote. I can't believe I was nominated with all these amazing and gorgeous actors. This is such an honor. Obama.

Well first. God. I have to thank my best friend and inspiration to join this crazy world of Hollywood, Tina Fey. You are my idol. And speaking of idols, I would like to thank whoever it was that decided that the hosts of reality tv would make great hosts of the Emmy's. Especially the 60th anniversary of the Emmys. And even though Phil Keoghan was not allowed on this stage, I revel in the fact that I can stand up here with the likes of Tom Bergeran and Howie. I admit I was a bit confused for a minute as to why the host of America's Funniest Home Videos was up here without Daisy Fuentes but then I realized that he also did Dancing with The Stars. It is great to know that you can win an award without actually writing or acting or producing or directing. And it is even greater to know that your award was one of the last given of the evening. And while it is a sweet gesture, can you please make sure that next time you are up here, you don't thank us; the real people in Hollywood, and tell us how honored you are to be part of us. Thank you. Vote.

I would like to thank the plastic surgeon who worked on Jeff Probst's face and gave him those delicious dimples. I would like to thank make-up artists that put together the face's of those desperate housewives. Women should have a right to choose.

I would like to thank Mariska for wearing a yellow dress and being so hot.

I would like to thank Judi Dench for not winning and especially for not being there if you did.

I would like to thank you for giving Laura Linney an award. Finally.

I would like to thank Josh Grobin for singing the theme song to my show while I walked to the stage. And by the way, it was an honor to hear you sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Mister Roger's Neighborhood in one sitting. I don't think I could have asked for anything better than that.

I would like to thank all the polar bears that are dying because of global warming and all the Republicans who think big homes and larger tax breaks for the rich will help with this.

I know. I know. I need to wrap this up. I would like to thank my wife. No, not my real wife. Quick take the camera off my real wife. I want to thank my fake wife.

Thank you Tom Hanks for producing another HBO film. Thank you Oprah for wearing a dress that made you look heavy. You and Bob Greene have some work to do I think.

I would like to thank the writers of Laugh In but maybe next time you will realize that it was pure comedic genius...thirty years ago. And while we are at it, my legs are tired. Do I really have to get up and bow every time someone who is old walks on stage. I mean, I know you are funny but standing up and sitting down so much is wrinkling my dress. And speaking of my dress.

I would like to thank Lauren Conrad for designing this beautiful and ruffled dress I am wearing here tonight. You are a true gem in the world of Hollywood and you truly deserve to be up here with me tonight. In fact, you deserve to be up here for the announcement of three awards.

Stem cell research will cure. Not God. Thank you everyone. Thank you!"

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 4

Scene:  Office environment.  Laura has just helped a co-worker with some design work for an event happening early the next day.  Approximate time this help took:  10 minutes

Manager:  Laura, that was very irresponsible of you to help out when you have your own work to do.

Me:  Helping co-workers in this so-called "team" environment is irresponsible????

Manager:  You made a bad judgement call.

Me:  This job is a bad judgement call.

Dixie-Land

Since I still do not have a TV, I now watch episodes of TV shows on my computer, which is just as nice as a TV.  I was watching a few episodes of Pushing Daisies.  This is a great show.  Anyway, on abc.com you have to sit through a 30 second commercial every ten minutes or so and then click a button to continue to the screen.  nbc.com doesn't do this.  

The commerical that kept coming on was for Dixie paper plates and I am about to march over to Madison Ave and punch the person who approved this ad.  I went to Syracuse and studied advertising.  True, I never really did anything with that but that was just because Syracuse sucked and they only wanted you to succeed if you moved to New York City.  Anyway, the commercial shows a bunch of young woman with kids saying things like, "I want a paper plate that is as strong as me." and "My children come first.  Now I have more time with my children because I have less plates to wash." or "I will no longer be defined by the number of dishes I wash."

Those lines are as generic as those women's marriages and lives.  Give me a break.  If I ever find that a paper plate is as strong as me, I give you permission to slam a pot in my head.  

1984

I think this is the last time I actually saw these on a plane.  I'd be lucky if I got a packet of sugar on a flight now.  I'll find out on Monday about the sugar packet.  I fly to LA non-stop.  Maybe if I am lucky some gay flight attendant (see older post) will stick an eyedropper in my mouth while I am sleeping and give me a drop of water or something.  That will help wash down the three ativan pills I take on the flight anyway.

Ticketmaster

I think Ticketmaster needs a disclaimer when it is freaking children's night at the theatre.  I went to see the Chorus Line tonight and I guess it was "teach kids about the arts" night or some crap like that, so there were like 600 hoodlums there.  They were clapping, they were cheering, they were screaming everytime a character said he was gay (it's the Chorus Line!).  They were driving me crazy.  I have an idea...why can't parents teach their kids about the arts like mine did growing up so we don't have to have all of the Boston area teens together at the Boston Opera House.  

Also, can someone tell the person sitting next to me that no cell phones mean no cell phones.  That does not mean keep your Blackberry in your purse with a flashing green light for texts and then decide to text back inside your purse.  I can still see the lights.  

Why can't people just sit still for two hours. Why is that so impossible.  Maybe if tickets cost $2 but they don't!

Business Cards

I decided today that I am going to make business cards to pass out to all the homeless people on the street who ask me for money when I am driving.  They always come and stand right next to my window at a red light and I have to sit there and seem like a real heartless bitch by not giving them any money.  So, to counteract that, I will pass out a card.  On the card, it is going to say,

Laura Goldberg

Worked in non-profit for ten years

Has worked for a homeless service provider even

Has NO money in her savings account

Has no 401K

Still drives the same car I had in college

I might even pass out a granola bar or some peanut butter crackers with the card if I am feeling generous.  

Blue, Indigo and Violet...yeah, yeah, yeah

Why have rainbows turned into such a gay thing?  It's like...nobody can look at a rainbow anymore without thinking something gay.  If you have ever seen a full rainbow in Montana or Wyoming, you would have a totally different opinion.

And besides, if rainbows were really gay, don't you think there would be a pot of platinum at the end instead of gold?  Platinum is MUCH more fabulous than gold.  

Positive Polly needs to take a nap

So I was told that my blog about going to Nubble Lighthouse was too positive.  Thank you very much Ms. Baton Rouge.  Now, I can't help it that people are jealous because I live in an awesome area of the country that doesn't revolve around gators, football, hush puppies and racist people.  

Is that better?  

And you also called me a ninety year old woman.  Here is a list of other things people have called me so you are going to have to try harder to offend me next time.  :)

"You are a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body who sometimes sleeps with men."

"You are a 12 year old boy."

"You are selfish."

"You are dramatic." (only I can call myself that)

"You are nuts."

"You have serious issues."

"You are not the kind of person I want to know."  (that was from an ex.  isn't that just fantastic.)

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 3

This one was actually said to my mother.

Mom (with her hand out to shake at an event):  "Nice to meet you."

Manager:  "Oh.  That's okay.  I don't need to shake your hand."

Small Town

Why is it that there are always cops in small towns that stand in intersections that don't need cops and direct traffic?  And why is it that I am always the car that the cop stops while he decides to let everyone else go in twenty different directions for about ten minutes before he allows me on the road?  And why is it that these cops don't actually stand in intersections with lights but intersections with yield signs?  And why is it that people can't just figure out how to yield?  

All that jazz

If anyone is ever feeling down because their life isn't exactly what they had in store, then you can tell me.  Better yet, come with me on one of my drives to pretty places.  Today I was driving to York, Maine to see the Nubble Lighthouse, which is one of my favorite places.  I was driving my mom's Lexus and the only CDs she had in her car were Elton John, Best of Broadway and the Chicago Soundtrack.  I listened to All That Jazz about twenty times because of that one line...."no, i'm no one's wife, but I love my life.  and all that jazz."  Then I looked outside and realized that is was beautiful out, the weather was perfect, the waves were crashing all around and I was actually feeling happy. Finally, I was truly just feeling happy.  

So, I don't have everything that I want and I am sure I will wake up tomorrow wanting more and more, but today I feel fine.  So, moral of the story...if you are down, listen to songs about people who are worse off than you, sing really loudly and don't listen to Elton John.

 

Invention

I was thinking last night about my idea for disposable colanders. I think it is a great idea. I can't stand washing colanders after I put the noodles in them. There is always one noodle that ends up getting stuck in one of the holes and hardens and just never comes out.

But then, I thought, even better would be a colander that actually turned into a noodle so then I could just go ahead and add it to the others and eat it.

i'm almost 32

i am living the dream. i have a big house. a garage with a bmw and a driveway with a lexus. i'm about to take a steam shower and then go into the jacuzzi tub after. then i am going to hop in my bed and watch the vma's in hd on my flat screen tv.

and even better. i just threw a load of laundry in my frontloader.

living the dream....at my parents. while they are on vacation. oh yeah, i'm almost 32. living the dream.

hot pink

um....yeah, pink is the hottest thing on tv right now.

Weigh In

When I have PMS, my obnoxiously large breasts get even bigger.  I hate it.  They hurt.  And I become obsessed (believe it or not...yes me obsessed) with picturing myself with smaller ones. All I can do is look in the mirror and imagine what life would be like if I could wear those tank tops you see at Express.  

I often wonder what they weigh.  I think five pounds each.  I am so upset with them right now, I actually got out my scale and tried to see if I could weigh them.  I just layed down on the ground a few minutes ago in my bathroom and put them on the scale but because it is digital it didn't work.  That or my scale was like, "loser, go eat your quesadilla and sit in bed a watch a movie and relax.  The last bitch that stepped on this thing would have killed for your body."  

That would be a good invention.  An honest scale. I'm going to work on that.

Sprint Ahead

I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate Sprint.  I have enough bad stories about Sprint, I could write an entire book about it.  Maybe I will.  Well, after over an hour again today at Sprint, I finally have another new Sprint plan and another two year contract.  When I walked out today I said rather loudly, "why don't I just leave you my placenta on the way out."  What I meant to say was, "why don't I just leave you my uterus on the way out!".  My bad.  I'll say that next time.  There will be a next time.  I can promise you that.  

Oh you crack me up

I was sitting outside Redbones this evening with my sister and I was texting someone about a job interview tomorrow that I have.  Anyway, this guy walks up to me and asked if I was a drug dealer because drug dealers all have phones like mine so they can get in touch with their clients.  

Now if I was a drug dealer, two things would not be happening.

1.  I wouldn't be worried about a job interview I have tomorrow.

2.  I wouldn't be using a piece of crap phone from Sprint.

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 2

Manager:  You will never be a leader.  I do not see the potential in you.  

Me:  Well, I guess I learn from the best.  

Wealthy Men. com

What the f is this?  I just signed in to my my space.  I don't really expect any messages on this site anymore since I hardly ever use it. However, when I signed out I saw an ad for wealthymen.com and saw some listings on some of the wealthy and if I do say so myself, quite muscular men right near me in Watertown, MA.  I mean they are tan, and muscular and make more than $100K a year.  They MUST be great.  

If I knew I could have had such a high caliber of man right in my area, I would have never signed up for slackergirls.com.  Damn it!

Everything I know I learned from the airport

1.  Somehow the woman sitting next to me at the gate managed to get her entire manicure kit through security at the airport in Maryland.  That shouldn't be a big deal for me, especially if she was carrying OPI nail color.  However, she then decided that it would make sense to get out her nail clippers and start clipping her nails while sitting ten chairs away from me.  I could hear every single clip of that freaking clipper.  I couldn't even believe she had the nerve to do that in front of everyone.  And then she had the nerve to file her names and start polishing them.  I think the nail color was red and and on the bottom of the bottle was called, bloody punch!  At least, that is what I thought it should be called.

2.  No matter how many times I fly, I can never get over the fact that people do not know how to find their seats and sit down properly when they board.  It never fails that I end up standing three rows away from my seat for about five minutes while the person in front of me takes his/her time loading his/her luggage above the seat.  Call me crazy, but is is so hard to have your ticket in hand, look at the seat number and then quickly walk to your seat? All you have to do is sit down and get your bag in order while you are sitting.  Or better yet, get out the book you need and the ipod and have it ready so when you get on the plane, you can just throw the bag up and sit the f down!

3.  Is it necessary to call everyone you know while the plane is getting ready to take off? I don't need to hear your conversations about last night's dinner and how he paid for everything.  It's called texting people!!!  Try it once in awhile.  It is an amazing invention because then I don't have to hear all of your conversations.

4.  Traveling alone is hard.  Not for the reasons you may think it is hard.  I could say traveling alone is hard because it is lonely or traveling alone is hard because it takes all day and it can be tiring.  Oh no....traveling alone is hard because there is nobody to sit at the gate and watch my bag while I go to the bathroom.  Today, I had an hour layover. My usual routine is I look at the board and make sure my gate is the same.  And then I walk to the gate and make sure it is really the right one.  At the same time I am looking around for the closest Hudson News to get my People magazine or some other place to get a snack.  (Usual suspects are Sbarros and McDonalds).  Today, I wanted a pretzel.  However, I also had to go to the bathroom.  I knew the bathroom was after the pretzel place but there was no way I was going to bring the pretzel into the bathroom with me (another traveling alone problem).  I looked ahead and of course what did I see but the five men standing at the credit card stand just waiting to pounce on me and tell me all about the free airline ticket I can get.  I didn't want to do it.  If I went to the bathroom and then got my pretzel I would have had to go by them three times!!  But I did and of course I got annoyed when I walked by.  Then I walked by again and kept my chin down and then I walked by a third time and just started eating my pretzel and looked VERY busy.  Free airline ticket my ass....by the time I finish paying the $200 annual fee charge, I could have flown across the country.  Well, not really, but I could have at least paid to get my luggage on. 

5.  I took public transportation home from the airport back to Watertown.  Shuttle to blue line, blue line to orange line, orange line to red line, red line to bus.  What I learned here were two things. 

1. I need more friends who don't work.

2.  Only foreigners offered to help me with my luggage.