My Emmy Speech

"Oh gosh. Oh man. Thank you. This is so crazy. Bush sucks. I don't deserve this. Everyone said I would be so nervous and they were right. Vote. I can't believe I was nominated with all these amazing and gorgeous actors. This is such an honor. Obama.

Well first. God. I have to thank my best friend and inspiration to join this crazy world of Hollywood, Tina Fey. You are my idol. And speaking of idols, I would like to thank whoever it was that decided that the hosts of reality tv would make great hosts of the Emmy's. Especially the 60th anniversary of the Emmys. And even though Phil Keoghan was not allowed on this stage, I revel in the fact that I can stand up here with the likes of Tom Bergeran and Howie. I admit I was a bit confused for a minute as to why the host of America's Funniest Home Videos was up here without Daisy Fuentes but then I realized that he also did Dancing with The Stars. It is great to know that you can win an award without actually writing or acting or producing or directing. And it is even greater to know that your award was one of the last given of the evening. And while it is a sweet gesture, can you please make sure that next time you are up here, you don't thank us; the real people in Hollywood, and tell us how honored you are to be part of us. Thank you. Vote.

I would like to thank the plastic surgeon who worked on Jeff Probst's face and gave him those delicious dimples. I would like to thank make-up artists that put together the face's of those desperate housewives. Women should have a right to choose.

I would like to thank Mariska for wearing a yellow dress and being so hot.

I would like to thank Judi Dench for not winning and especially for not being there if you did.

I would like to thank you for giving Laura Linney an award. Finally.

I would like to thank Josh Grobin for singing the theme song to my show while I walked to the stage. And by the way, it was an honor to hear you sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Mister Roger's Neighborhood in one sitting. I don't think I could have asked for anything better than that.

I would like to thank all the polar bears that are dying because of global warming and all the Republicans who think big homes and larger tax breaks for the rich will help with this.

I know. I know. I need to wrap this up. I would like to thank my wife. No, not my real wife. Quick take the camera off my real wife. I want to thank my fake wife.

Thank you Tom Hanks for producing another HBO film. Thank you Oprah for wearing a dress that made you look heavy. You and Bob Greene have some work to do I think.

I would like to thank the writers of Laugh In but maybe next time you will realize that it was pure comedic genius...thirty years ago. And while we are at it, my legs are tired. Do I really have to get up and bow every time someone who is old walks on stage. I mean, I know you are funny but standing up and sitting down so much is wrinkling my dress. And speaking of my dress.

I would like to thank Lauren Conrad for designing this beautiful and ruffled dress I am wearing here tonight. You are a true gem in the world of Hollywood and you truly deserve to be up here with me tonight. In fact, you deserve to be up here for the announcement of three awards.

Stem cell research will cure. Not God. Thank you everyone. Thank you!"