Snap, Crackle, Crunch, Slap

I need to work on my new invention. Silent popcorn bags and a silencer to put in people's mouths at the movies when they eat popcorn. I don't know why, but the sound of the crunching bag and the munching people makes my insides feel all creepy. And I am sure I annoy people when I eat popcorn at the movies but I can't hear it.

It seriously never fails that when I go to the movies, there is either a single person eating a large bag or a couple eating a large bag. I am not sure what is worse. I think it might be the couple because they take a huge mound in their hands and pop in in their mouths and then they talk to their partner. "honey, did you notice the juxtoposition of the genre of the melodramatic cinematography?"

One Fine Day

I love this movie. I just watched it. I love when the little girl says, "he just wants to find a fish who isn't afraid of his dark chocolate layer."

i also love that this same little girl is ann on arrested development.

i also love that i was supposed to work today but instead i watched one fine day.

Laura's New Years Resolutions

Now, I know it is the "cool" thing to say, "I don't believe in resolutions. I think you should be your best all the time." And trust me, I am the first one to say that. But this year, I decided to make some resolutions that I think will help to better myself.

So here goes...

1. Dance to at least three songs everyday in my living room with the music on full blast. Preferably at around 1am to annoy my upstairs neighbor who thinks it is fun to throw his trash in my yard and make spaghettios for dinner every night which I can smell.

2. Eat more spaghettios so my upstairs neighbor can smell them.

3. Complain about my car only once a day rather than three times.

4. Take all of memory boxes out and organize them and throw out the memories I don't want to keep anymore.

5. Limit myself to one memory box a year.

6. Laugh at myself at least twice a day. Laugh at other people at least ten times a day.

7. Find a ALF t-shirt.

8. Bake more.

9. Get a flat screen TV.

10. Go to Iceland.

11. Grow my hair so I can put it in cute ponytails.

12. Cut my hair while I am growing it because it is driving me crazy.

13. Curse myself for cutting my hair before I could get it in cute ponytails.

14. Dye it black.

15. Ask someone out on a date.

16. Not an imaginary person.

17. Try sushi. *This is still up in the air. I am not sure I am ready for that step in my life.

Slumdog

I was just reading a friend's facebook page about how she loved Slumdog Millionare and it made me realize that I never actually talked about how amazing this movie is.

It has been years since I was so moved at a movie. I go to movies all the time and I pretty much cry at all dramatic movies. Unless they involve Kate Hudson. She just annoys me. Not that she does dramatic roles. I think she tried once. She won a Golden Globe for it. Questionable. Anyway.... I don't always believe in fate and destiny and soulmates but this movie for a second, made me think that it could happen. Actually, I need to rephrase, I don't believe in soulmates. I do however believe in fate and destiny. I do think things happen for a reason.

At the end of this movie, I actually let out a sigh. I couldn't believe how powerful it was. It made me think for a second, that maybe things really do happen for the best.

I am going to buy the movie poster and hang it up in my living room...to remind me.

Dreams

I have been having the craziest dreams lately. So many involve people from my past. And they also involve things like swinger parties. I was so pissed when my alarm went off the other day. It was more excitement in my dream then I have had for months!!! I was like, "quick...get me a sleeping pill, I want to go back!"

I looked up swinger in my dreambook and it wasn't there. So then I looked up sex and turned to page 126. Here is what it told me about my dream.

To dream that you are having or have had a pleasurable sexual experience, denotes happiness and contentment in your personal relationships. Hmmmmm. Not so much.

To dream of watching others have intercourse, denotes an inability to be part of a successful, satisfying relationship. Hmmmmmm. Interesting.

To dream of joyless sexual relationships, is a warning that you will be contemplating some undertaking which, if carried out, will steep you in disgrace and guilt. That's more like it!!

Seducer: for a young woman to dream of being seduced (i suppose a swinger party would include that), foretells that she will be easily influenced by showy person. Watch out showy persons!!!

Hold my tongue

I am going to do the unthinkable and actually hold my tongue for a moment here. "somebody" made a comment on one of my last entries. It sounds like something one of my ex girlfriends may have written. So, let's just say, if you are my ex girlfriend, could you please stop reading my blog. There, how nice was that? See...I can be nice. I said please.

Also, you may want to look at my blog entry titled, "creepy". Just saying. Damn, I tried to hold it. I really did.

Total Elliptical of the Heart

I do the elliptical for an hour a day. I listen to Beyonce's "Halo" for almost the entire time. Is that weird?

Pancakes

Hey....if you are reading this blog, welcome. Thanks for the pancakes. ;)

Thing that annoy me #2

When you run a mile or something and then a "runner" or as I like to call them "crazy, insane person" says to you, "oh my god. congrats. you should TOTALLY run a marathon with me!"

Just because you want to be nuts and destroy your body in a marathon doesn't mean I want to. When someone says to me, "I just ate a hamburger" I don't scream out, "oh my god, you should TOTALLY come kill a cow with me!"

freaking runners.

Xmas

Okay. I did the whole Xmas cheer thing. I sent cards. I sent out texts. Some people texted me back. Most ignored me. Yeah...Merry xmas. What I am really sick of though is how everyone is using facebook to tell us how wonderful their freaking xmas is. How cute their kids are in santa hats and santa tshirts and sitting on the tree and how cute they look playing with their new elmo doll. I get it.

I am a single, 32 year old chick with no husband or wife or kid. Last night, on xmas eve, i sat on my parents floor and watched a nazi movie. Yeah, that's right. merry xmas eve to me.

Can we all get back to real life now and forget about xmas. please. thank you.

And i really look forward to seeing the pics of your kids in their cupid outfits in a couple of months.

Laura Leary

I am reading Dennis Leary's new book, "Why We Suck" and I love it. Mostly because I could have written it. I have that angry, witty, sarcastic humor that he does and I pretty much think all the same things. I just haven't written them all down in a book. Yet.

Just the other day I was thinking that we should just give Texas over to the terrorists and be done with it. If we could just tell these guys/gals, hey, "take texas and leave us the hell alone." i think all would be better in this country. Let's be honest, all we will miss is Austin anyway. That is the only thing people around here ever say. "I don't like Texas. Well, i guess Austin is cool."

Things that annoy me #1

People who use the phrase and/or more than five times a day.

name game

Here's something I don't understand. Parents who name all their children with the same first letter. Also. Parents who name their children Paige or Jade.

Movies

Is it bad that I get really stressed out at all the movies I want to see? Why the hell can't I just be happy about my favorite thing to do? Urgh. My brain. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't left the house in three days. Maybe it's all the fried food. Maybe I need to make an excel spreadsheet. Yeah, that will do it. I will make a spreadsheet on the movies I need to see.

Home Sweet Ass Home

Top five things about being in Nashua

1. Steam shower
2. Mom cooks for me.
3. Chinese take-out
4. Steam shower
5. Steam shower

Cats...the Musical

You know what I love? The fact that Snowball loves when I sing musicals to him. Every time I do, he relaxes and purrs and puts his head into my chin. Love it.

Solar Power

I was thinking today about the idea of soul mates. Actually, I was thinking about it on my way to the grocery store to get more tea. Now, my thoughts might have something to do with the fact that I've had more organic tea in my system in the last week then I ever thought I would. I actually just bought more. I can't stop drinking tea because it is the only thing that is making my throat feel better.

Anyway, I was thinking about soul mates. And I decided today that I don't believe in them. I don't believe that there is one person out there for you. I don't believe that there is one person who will cure you and make the world okay for you and be there for you and support you and know you inside and out.

There isn't a tea that can do that. So how the heck can there be a person who can? Seriously though, what if your soulmate dies? What if you never meet your soulmate? What if you decide to never go to Whole Foods again and get organic tea? Then what? Then, you are just fucked. And nobody wants that.

Haha

I would like to start some discussion here on my blog.  Please comment.

What the fuck do you mean when you write the words haha in an email or text?  

Go.

Thank you.

Cree-PY!

creep . y:  

-adjective, creepier, creepiest

1.  having or causing a creeping sensation of the skin, as from horror or fear:  a creepy ghost story.

2.  that creeps:  a creepy insect.

3.  Slang.  of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is a creep; obnoxious; weird.

My "Ah-Ha" Moment

You know what annoys me?  Oprah's fucking Ah-Ha moments.  Also, when white guests on the show try to talk like Oprah.  

Things crazy roommates have actually said to me...Number 1

Scene - living room in new apartment two weeks after move-in date with complete stranger

Crazy:  "I don't know why you care if don't unpack my boxes in the kitchen.  You are never here. You don't even care about me."

Me: "Am I supposed to care about you?"

Top 10 things I learned while being sick

1.  I really wish I bought those straws the other day.  It is so much more fun to drink juice with a straw.

2.  There are way to many teas to choose from in the grocery store.  And I'm talking Stop-N-Shop.  I didn't even go to freaking Whole Foods.  I don't like green tea, even though I suppose that is something I am going to have to start drinking for my health.  I went with peppermint.  That's green.

3.  I have been really whiny and that is just not fun.

4.  I get really bummed that my muscles are sore and not because I went to the gym.  I miss the gym.

5.  The one week I am on the couch all the time, freaking Oprah is all repeats.  Please.  The one on today is about Sex and the City.  NO thank you.  

6.  When I am sick, Snowball is sick.  How cute is that.

7.  The holiday season can be such a drag.  It gets dark at 4 and people are always busy shopping and going to parties.  I do not have those parties to go to, especially since I work as a contractor and don't have company parties to go to.  

8.  I am however excited that I can be part of decorating a tree on Saturday.  

9.  When you wake up with your eyes glued closed and it isn't conjunctivitus, which I don't have, does that mean, I've been crying too much at movies?

10.  I suppose when I am sick, I realize that maybe, probably not, but maybe....I could use a roommate and/or a girlfriend.  No...not really.  Maybe just a friend who could bring me soup.  Nobody ever comes to Watertown, though.  

Crazy

I'm watching movies about depression and bipolar and schizophrenia and austism. This got me thinking about what it means to be crazy.  And I'm going to go ahead and put it out there that the only thing that I know is crazy fo shizzle, is when people say things to me like, "I'm falling.  Will you catch me."  That is all I know.

Jewish or just an Alias?

Is it just me or are all Jewish men lately sounding like Ron Rifkin?  

Cater

I just decided that when I get married, I am going to serve pancakes for the meal.  

Lesbian, books and coffee

I decided that I want to do a coffee table book on the hot belts that lesbians wear.  I just need to round up the lesbians.  And what is even more perfect, is that is doesn't matter what their faces look like....I'm just documenting the belts.  Unless they are hot of course, then I'll include faces.  

Round em up lesbians.  Round em up.

What I really want is a pure girl

Top 10 things I learned on Friday night at Pure.

1.  lesbians are scary.

2.  90% of all lesbians hide behind their own stereotypes.

3.  lesbians really need to stop wearing popped collars.

4.  lesbians are so gross in the bathroom. 

5.  obviously since all girls are gross in the bathroom.  

6.  i can dance longer than any lesbian.  freaking try me.  I dare you.

7.  lesbians love to drink bottles of beer by holding them on the top rather than the middle.

8.  lesbians wear the sexiest belts I have ever seen.

9.  lesbians worry so much about what they look like that they forget to smile, which is probably the number 1 turn on.

10.  i am going to be single for a really long time i think.

Only One?

So it is time for me to go to the movies 3-4 times a week.  I have to get them all in so I can write my Oscar predictions.  Maybe I'll even go all out this year and do my Golden Globe predictions.  That may be pushing it.  

Anyway, I often go to the movies alone.  Actually, now that I am single and my best movie friend has moved out of town, I pretty much only go alone.  When I say I love going to the movies, I mean I love going to the movies.  I would much prefer going to the movies than sitting at a dive bar having useless conversation with a bunch of idiots.  

Tonight, I went up to get my ticket and the guy screamed out, "only one???"  I was like, yeah, buddy.  This is freaking Coolidge Corner Artsy Fucky Theatre.  People go to movies alone all the time here so they can seem mysterious and knowledgeable.  I go for popcorn with butter, candy and a way to stop hearing people talk for a few seconds.

Two things happened to me in the theatre tonight.  1.  The entire theatre was empty.  This is a huge theatre.  Finally, people began to come in but seriously, there were like 3 rows empty in front and behind me.  This girl came in and literally sat down next to me talking on her cell phone.  She looked at me and sat down and then took out her Indian food to eat at the movies.

The sound of people eating popcorn makes me crazy enough.  I couldn't even begin to think what would happen if I stayed in that seat.  I got up and ran to CVS to go buy some candy.  Yeah...cheap candy.  I came back and sat somewhere else.

2.  After the amazing movie, I was feeling good.  That was until a mouse ran across the aisle.  bllahhahahh. 

Train This!

Is it just me or are the trainers at the gym coming up with stranger and stranger things to do with their clients.  I swear I won't be surprised if tomorrow at the gym I see the trainer put down some lillypads and make their clients jump around like a frog.  

Do what I do.  Get on the elliptical and save your knees from running.  Pick up some free weights and work on your calves.  Easy.

Tony

Can somebody please, please, please tell Tony Bennett that he doesn't have to make a new Christmas album every year.  Seriously...I am sure the past 20 years of his music will suffice.  

Wedding

Well, the time came again that I was able to go to a boring wedding.  Why do people spend so much money to have really boring weddings that really don't look like they have any meaning at all for the bride and groom.  

If I get married.  Or, when I get married I should say.  Because I am going to find someone to marry me.  Guy, girl....doesn't matter.  Somebody is going to marry me one day so I can have my flatware and dinnerware sets.  

Seriously, though...my wedding would include dancing, friends and good music.  There will not be 150 of my parents closest friends at this wedding.  

I will not have a checklist of things that need to happy at my wedding.  There will be a cake.  Obviously.  There will probably be two cakes.  There will be pretty flowers.  There will a Celine Dion song.  There will be pigs in a blanket.  And there will be a HUGE honeymoon.  The money will be spent on the four week long honeymoon.  

There will be pretty bridesmaids.  I don't need ugly people wacking up my scene.  

Question from two weeks ago

Why is it in the lesbian world, that many lesbians don't feel the need to wear pants that don't fit them?  I understand the baggy thing.  I even have some cargo looking pants myself. But why do they wear pants that are basically falling off of them when their fat bellies are hanging out.  Nobody needs to see that shit.

Pledging Purity?

Why are all these young singers pledging purity by saying they will not have sex until they are married?  Who are they kidding?  I don't think you need to wait until you are married to have sex.  Actually, if you do that, you will most likely have sex once and then never again until you get a divorce.  Why can't these teens just wait until they are 18...then have sex.  They don't have to have sex when they are 15.  Just wait a few years.  Then do it. 

Seriously...The Color Purple was like a hundred years ago.

I was watching Oprah's special today on the World's "Smartest and Most Talented Kids Around the World".  First, no matter what the show is about, Oprah always finds a way to quote the Color Purple or in some way tell the world that she was in the color purple.  It just doesn't matter what the show is about.

Anyway, every time Oprah does this special, she has the same annoying kids on.  The one who can breakdance, the one who can name all the presidents, the one who can bend her tiny body backwards, the one who can hulahoop, the one who can tap dance.  And can I just say....when you go to Debbie Allen's school of dance, you are not an "average" kid.  

Also, the one who can play the violin, the one who can sing, and lets not forget the one who can yodel.  Yes, that's right...the one who always has to come on with a red ruffled shirt, pigtails with red bows and yodel.  

Still Life

Just because you have a camera phone does not mean that you should use said camera phone for your match.com profile.  No matter what people say, you DO judge by looks.  Everyone does.  And if you say that you don't, then you are a liar and I don't want to date liars.  At least not ugly liars.  So at least put a good picture up.  

Scrub

Is there a reason that Dr. Oz wears scrubs on the Oprah show?  There was a whole show today dedicated to the obvious things that we can do to make ourselves beautiful and the low-cost CVS purchases that we can use to do this.  

Oprah decided that Dr. Oz was the best person to describe to these women what it takes to be beautiful.  But my main question is why the hell does he need to wear scrubs to do this.  I could have sworn he was hard for half the show too.  Toe fungus, frizzy hair and acne doesn't do it for me but I guess it does for Dr. Oz.

Also, my favorite quote of the show was when Dr. Oz was talking about women's eye bags and he said something to this effect, "woman care more about the bags under your eyes than the men who love and care about you."  uhhhh....why can't I go on Oprah and say that for $10 million a year?

Saturday Morning

I was watching Hannah Montana on Saturday morning and there was a commercial for these dolls that are dogs that are all dressed up...and I could have sworn that one of the dogs actually said, "you are such a ho".  Seriously...I think that might have happened.  

What ever happened to Transformer commercials during the Smurfs?  I miss Azriel.  

32 things about my 32rd year

1.   I have had the birthday blues for a week. I am sick of it.  And I am done with the birthday blues.

2.  I was the only girl working out in the free weights section of the gym an hour ago and I think that is pretty cool.

3.  Sarcastic and cool Laura is back.  

4.  The Laura who lets pig fuckers get to her is gone.

5.  I am done with people who say they are coming to my birthday party and just don't show up.

6.  I am even more done with people who say they are coming to my birthday party and then call my other friend to say they are not coming instead of me.

7.  I am not done with people who at least try to let me know they can't make it.

8.  It is questionable whether I am done with people who get me stupid gifts from the supermarket check-out stand and cards that aren't meaningful because they care more about friends who will NOT stick up for them if the time came.  

9.  I am going to savor the friends who love and care about me and get me license plate purses, and sprees and dinners and who listen to me even when it isn't pretty.

10.  I do want to have children and if that means from a petri dish than so be it.

11.  I won't sacrifice happiness to be with someone who doesn't make me happy. And if that means being single for a long time, then well that is how it has to be.

12.  I won't pay $34.99 a month for match.com so people who don't read my profile email me when they are so not the person I would even be friends with never mind date.

13. I am going to take a cooking class.

14.  I am going to use my new Kitchen Aid mixer (Martha Stewart blue).

15.  I am going to do pilates again and get my kick-ass bod back.

16.  I am going to be able to do 10 pull ups in a row in two months.

17. I am going to find a job this year that makes me happy and it will not be in non profit.

18. I am going to see every movie I want to see because that makes me happy.

19. I am going to stop comparing myself to my "friends" on facebook who look happy.

20.  I am going to get a better score in scrabble.

21.  I am going to start writing my book instead of keeping it in my head.

22.  I am going to understand that I will have setbacks.  Like today and sleep until 4 but that is okay and I will get up.

23.  I am going to get a job that lets me buy a new car so I can get rid of the one I've had for 11 years.

24.  I am going to go to Iceland this year.

25. I want to find a cool tour to work on.

26. I am going to stop thinking about people who hurt me. Yeah right...but I'll go back to #22 on that one many times.

27.  I will no longer pick up my neighbors trash.

28.  I will make more people laugh because it is fun to do.

29.  I will continue to be honest and open my big fat mouth.

30.  I like being in my 30s.

31.  I have crows feet.  I never thought I would have crows feet.

32.  I will eat and watch TV by myself tonight and that my friends....is just fine with me.

Win-doze

I tried putting the plastic on my windows tonight while watching the Red Sox game.  I didn't think it was going to take so long to do one window.  I guess my windows are bigger than average windows because I here I was thinking that everything was going okay and this was actually going to work until I realized there was an inch and a half gap at the bottom of the window.

I contemplated just not worrying about it but quickly realized that would pretty much defeat the whole purpose of putting the plastic up in the first place. So, I thought I would use my super strength brain and cut another piece and tape them together.

Not as easy as it sounds.  The tape stuck all over the place so now when you reach the bottom of my window, there are two small holes (and this is after blowdrying for half an hour).  So, I'm about to go walk to my car and get the duct tape which I no longer need for my windshield wipers and just duct tape the holes.

I also blew a fuse which:

a.  left me in complete darkness

b.  stopped the taping of all my shows

Here comes winter.  I'm exhausted already.

Rachel Zoe Project

Did Rachel Zoe dress the candidates tonight?  That was so cool how McCain had a blue tie and Obama had a red tie and then Cindy had a red dress and Michelle had a blue dress on.  Oohhhhh. Well, Rachel needs to let Cindy know that if it wasn't for her blonde (?) hair she would have blended completely into the carpet.  

Speaking of the carpet, where was the guy who vacuums the floor?  Did Joe take over his job?

Eliza Doolittle.

You know what annoys me?  People who use the word lovely to describe things.  Things that just aren't lovely.  My old boss, Ms. Do Nothing for $90K a year used to say it all the time.  Oh, she is so lovely.  Isn't this room lovely?  Laura, don't you think this is a lovely place?  

No!  Things are not lovely.  They are nice.  They are great.  They are fantastic.  They are pretty.  But, they are not lovely.  Unless it is 1955 and we are talking about my mother's apple pie.  

Parton Me?

Do you know what just makes me really happy?  I mean, no matter what I am doing I stop and smile?  

The Target commercial with Dolly singing.  It just makes me really happy.

Registry

So I decided to register for my birthday.  

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registery/wishlist/1CFDJ4SN6BABL

Included are:  

1.  a drum set

2.  benefiber

3.  batteries

4.  a camera

5.  photo paper

6.  turkey jerky

I am turning 32 and I figure I have never been able to register for an engagement or a marriage or a kid, so why not get some of the things I like.

And...no, this party is not like Carrie Bradshaw.  Carrie was annoying.  I am awesome.  

Not Gold

If the question is did a silverfish just run across my living room and for a moment I thought it was a mouse because it was that big, then the answer is yes.

Diet

This is what is wrong with America.  

I made pumpkin bread tonight.  I went to the store and bought all my ingredients.  I got home and realized I forgot the pumpkin.  I walked to the corner store...no pumpkin. I walked to CVS thinking there would be pumpkin...no pumpkin.  I went back to grocery store.

On my way out, three rather large ladies from the grocery store Citizens Bank were standing outside smoking.  This is what I overheard. "I'm on a diet. I am starving myself.  All I ate today was a lean pocket."

That, my friends...is what is wrong with America.  Lean pockets and people who think eating them will help them lose weight.  

Cut it out! Or off!

I think my self esteem is in direct proportion to me needing a haircut.  The more time I have playing with my split ends, the more I realize I need to work on my self esteem.  

Or I need a better shampoo.  I went for the cheap Dove shampoo and conditioner but I think it's time to go back to Neutrogena.  

Maximum

This is just a random thought that popped into my head this weekend.  Sarah Palin and I were talking and she thought of this too.  

Is there a 160 maximum character limit on phones in China?  Because if so...they wouldn't be able to say very much.  Doesn't it take a lot more letters to say things in Chinese?  

Things I learned Watching the "Debate"

1. You don't actually have to answer the question asked. Especially if you are a maverick.
2. Americans are dumber than I orginally thought if they think that because Palin didn't
"mess" things up, that she is ready.
3. I actually want a leader who is smarter than me....not equal to me. If she was equal to me, then I could do it.
4. Jodi Foster and Mel Gibson were mavericks in that movie. That was a great movie.
5. Joe Six Pack and Soccer Mom are going to screw this up for us.
6. Babies, no matter what their disability, should be in bed before 8.
7. I want the job of the guy who vaccuums the carpet. He had the most press coverage on CNN tonight than anyone.

Sleep Eating Disorder

I saw a sign on the subway today about a sleep eating disorder study.  You can get paid $300 for 10 lab study sessions about eating and sleep walking or something.  Sounds amazing.  Truly amazing.  

There is a study for everything.  This will most certainly lead to obesity.  Except, if you walk in your sleep, then I guess you are losing calories after you eat.  So, really this might be the new exercise craze.  

Hit It, Smack It, Slam IT Down!

If the question is did someone actually send me an email today telling me not to chew gum in a meeting, then the answer would be yes.  

When push comes to shove

Now it's always a fun experience going to a Red Sox game.  I mean two games ago, my right boob caught Manny's foul ball.  And there is always plenty of food to eat.  Last night, I had a foot long.  And usually I eat at least two Fenway franks and a pretzel.  But the one thing I wish they had a game, even when it is 50 degrees out, is dippin dots!!

Oh wait....they have something even better than that.  Last night, we had the honor of sitting in front of Mr. & Mrs. Drunky and Ditzy Drunkerstein.  If you can take a look a moment to look at the photo for evidence.  To the left, Mrs. Ditzy.  Mrs. Ditzy here used to work at Dippin Dots in the mall.  That's where she met Mr. Drunky Drunkerstein, who is a Verizon salesman at the kiosk at the mall.  

Now, Mr. D is shy....when "push comes to shove", he is really shy.  It took him five years to ask Mrs. Ditzy out.  Mr. and Mrs. D both really love to drink beer.  Mrs. D. likes wear jeans with lots of holes in it.  And according to Mrs. Pink, on my right, Mrs. D. is gorgeous with amazing eyebrows.  

About an hour into the drunken madness, Mrs. Pink asked Mr. and Mrs. D. when they met.  It was then that I turned around in what I thought was my inside voice, but was really in my very loud outside voice, "Two Hours Ago!". 

How are you?

Do people not realize that when I ask "how are you?", it is usually a rhetorical question?  It is not a chance for you to let me know how great everything in your life is, how you met a new girl, how you got a raise, how you bought a great new home, how life is just wonderful.  It usual just means, "hey, I am going to be nice and ask how you are so you can quickly say good and you?"  

Take that David Blaine!

Forget catching a bullet in your mouth or hanging upside for 60 hours.  

I just spend a whole two hours eating. That's right...eating.  And I lived to write about it.  Now that's magic.  Or was it an illusion?  Hmmm.......

My eggs are almost expired!

I was just exploring Craigslist to see about work and I thought I would try out 

1.  surrogacy

2. egg donation

But, with surrogacy, I have to already have a kid of my own. Damn.  And with egg donation, I have to be between 20-31.  That means I only have two months to lay my eggs!!!  

It is true.  The older you get, the harder it is to find work!

Have a seat....this one will shock you.

Clay Aiken is gay.  I am shocked and appalled.  I can't believe it.  I mean all the rumors that he was a straight laced heterosexual are not true.  Do we have any hope in this world?  

Also, I was just watching the new 90210. Yes, I was.  And I probably won't be watching that again. Anyway, I was watching what I thought were previews for next week shows until I realized it was a recap of last week's Privileged.  All the shows are the same.  

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch Fringe about a group of people with abilities and talents that are unexplainable.  Nothing at all like Heroes.  Nothing.

DVR

I love DVR.  I love cable.  I even love my little TV.  I have missed it so much.  I stayed up for hours watching on demand and the Daily Show.  It was amazing.  I watched Heroes..huh?  I watched CSI:  Miami and realized that there is no reason I can't be in Hollywood if David Caruso can spend seven years on that show.  How many sunglasses do you think they have in the prop room for the show...it seems his break every episode.  

I watched How I Met Your Mother and was a little disappointed.  I say the funniest part last night was when Neil Patrick Harris was acting like a puppy in love but really he was acting kind of gay.

Tonight, I get to record Fringe and SVU.  Love it! Love it! Love it!

Now if you can excuse me, I am off to watch the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  That show makes me feel better about my life.  And since I have been feeling kind of down the past two days, that will help.

Wait, does me feeling down the past two days correlate at all to the fact that all I've been doing is watching tv? Something to think about.  

Top five things I learned during my trip to LA

1. I love jerky. I mean LOVE it. Like...going to go online to www.getmyjerky.com and buy lots of it.

2. It's okay to drink a whole milk caramel iced coffee frap thing when it means you get to walk by Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres when drinking it.

3. I actually kept my cool when I walked by Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres.

4. I love port.

5. Klonopin is dangerous. Klonopin, port and ostrich jerky together would be amazing. Klonopin, port, ostrich jerky, turkey jerky and ellena and portia together would be even more amazing.

My Emmy Speech

"Oh gosh. Oh man. Thank you. This is so crazy. Bush sucks. I don't deserve this. Everyone said I would be so nervous and they were right. Vote. I can't believe I was nominated with all these amazing and gorgeous actors. This is such an honor. Obama.

Well first. God. I have to thank my best friend and inspiration to join this crazy world of Hollywood, Tina Fey. You are my idol. And speaking of idols, I would like to thank whoever it was that decided that the hosts of reality tv would make great hosts of the Emmy's. Especially the 60th anniversary of the Emmys. And even though Phil Keoghan was not allowed on this stage, I revel in the fact that I can stand up here with the likes of Tom Bergeran and Howie. I admit I was a bit confused for a minute as to why the host of America's Funniest Home Videos was up here without Daisy Fuentes but then I realized that he also did Dancing with The Stars. It is great to know that you can win an award without actually writing or acting or producing or directing. And it is even greater to know that your award was one of the last given of the evening. And while it is a sweet gesture, can you please make sure that next time you are up here, you don't thank us; the real people in Hollywood, and tell us how honored you are to be part of us. Thank you. Vote.

I would like to thank the plastic surgeon who worked on Jeff Probst's face and gave him those delicious dimples. I would like to thank make-up artists that put together the face's of those desperate housewives. Women should have a right to choose.

I would like to thank Mariska for wearing a yellow dress and being so hot.

I would like to thank Judi Dench for not winning and especially for not being there if you did.

I would like to thank you for giving Laura Linney an award. Finally.

I would like to thank Josh Grobin for singing the theme song to my show while I walked to the stage. And by the way, it was an honor to hear you sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Mister Roger's Neighborhood in one sitting. I don't think I could have asked for anything better than that.

I would like to thank all the polar bears that are dying because of global warming and all the Republicans who think big homes and larger tax breaks for the rich will help with this.

I know. I know. I need to wrap this up. I would like to thank my wife. No, not my real wife. Quick take the camera off my real wife. I want to thank my fake wife.

Thank you Tom Hanks for producing another HBO film. Thank you Oprah for wearing a dress that made you look heavy. You and Bob Greene have some work to do I think.

I would like to thank the writers of Laugh In but maybe next time you will realize that it was pure comedic genius...thirty years ago. And while we are at it, my legs are tired. Do I really have to get up and bow every time someone who is old walks on stage. I mean, I know you are funny but standing up and sitting down so much is wrinkling my dress. And speaking of my dress.

I would like to thank Lauren Conrad for designing this beautiful and ruffled dress I am wearing here tonight. You are a true gem in the world of Hollywood and you truly deserve to be up here with me tonight. In fact, you deserve to be up here for the announcement of three awards.

Stem cell research will cure. Not God. Thank you everyone. Thank you!"

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 4

Scene:  Office environment.  Laura has just helped a co-worker with some design work for an event happening early the next day.  Approximate time this help took:  10 minutes

Manager:  Laura, that was very irresponsible of you to help out when you have your own work to do.

Me:  Helping co-workers in this so-called "team" environment is irresponsible????

Manager:  You made a bad judgement call.

Me:  This job is a bad judgement call.

Dixie-Land

Since I still do not have a TV, I now watch episodes of TV shows on my computer, which is just as nice as a TV.  I was watching a few episodes of Pushing Daisies.  This is a great show.  Anyway, on abc.com you have to sit through a 30 second commercial every ten minutes or so and then click a button to continue to the screen.  nbc.com doesn't do this.  

The commerical that kept coming on was for Dixie paper plates and I am about to march over to Madison Ave and punch the person who approved this ad.  I went to Syracuse and studied advertising.  True, I never really did anything with that but that was just because Syracuse sucked and they only wanted you to succeed if you moved to New York City.  Anyway, the commercial shows a bunch of young woman with kids saying things like, "I want a paper plate that is as strong as me." and "My children come first.  Now I have more time with my children because I have less plates to wash." or "I will no longer be defined by the number of dishes I wash."

Those lines are as generic as those women's marriages and lives.  Give me a break.  If I ever find that a paper plate is as strong as me, I give you permission to slam a pot in my head.  

1984

I think this is the last time I actually saw these on a plane.  I'd be lucky if I got a packet of sugar on a flight now.  I'll find out on Monday about the sugar packet.  I fly to LA non-stop.  Maybe if I am lucky some gay flight attendant (see older post) will stick an eyedropper in my mouth while I am sleeping and give me a drop of water or something.  That will help wash down the three ativan pills I take on the flight anyway.

Ticketmaster

I think Ticketmaster needs a disclaimer when it is freaking children's night at the theatre.  I went to see the Chorus Line tonight and I guess it was "teach kids about the arts" night or some crap like that, so there were like 600 hoodlums there.  They were clapping, they were cheering, they were screaming everytime a character said he was gay (it's the Chorus Line!).  They were driving me crazy.  I have an idea...why can't parents teach their kids about the arts like mine did growing up so we don't have to have all of the Boston area teens together at the Boston Opera House.  

Also, can someone tell the person sitting next to me that no cell phones mean no cell phones.  That does not mean keep your Blackberry in your purse with a flashing green light for texts and then decide to text back inside your purse.  I can still see the lights.  

Why can't people just sit still for two hours. Why is that so impossible.  Maybe if tickets cost $2 but they don't!

Business Cards

I decided today that I am going to make business cards to pass out to all the homeless people on the street who ask me for money when I am driving.  They always come and stand right next to my window at a red light and I have to sit there and seem like a real heartless bitch by not giving them any money.  So, to counteract that, I will pass out a card.  On the card, it is going to say,

Laura Goldberg

Worked in non-profit for ten years

Has worked for a homeless service provider even

Has NO money in her savings account

Has no 401K

Still drives the same car I had in college

I might even pass out a granola bar or some peanut butter crackers with the card if I am feeling generous.  

Blue, Indigo and Violet...yeah, yeah, yeah

Why have rainbows turned into such a gay thing?  It's like...nobody can look at a rainbow anymore without thinking something gay.  If you have ever seen a full rainbow in Montana or Wyoming, you would have a totally different opinion.

And besides, if rainbows were really gay, don't you think there would be a pot of platinum at the end instead of gold?  Platinum is MUCH more fabulous than gold.  

Positive Polly needs to take a nap

So I was told that my blog about going to Nubble Lighthouse was too positive.  Thank you very much Ms. Baton Rouge.  Now, I can't help it that people are jealous because I live in an awesome area of the country that doesn't revolve around gators, football, hush puppies and racist people.  

Is that better?  

And you also called me a ninety year old woman.  Here is a list of other things people have called me so you are going to have to try harder to offend me next time.  :)

"You are a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body who sometimes sleeps with men."

"You are a 12 year old boy."

"You are selfish."

"You are dramatic." (only I can call myself that)

"You are nuts."

"You have serious issues."

"You are not the kind of person I want to know."  (that was from an ex.  isn't that just fantastic.)

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 3

This one was actually said to my mother.

Mom (with her hand out to shake at an event):  "Nice to meet you."

Manager:  "Oh.  That's okay.  I don't need to shake your hand."

Small Town

Why is it that there are always cops in small towns that stand in intersections that don't need cops and direct traffic?  And why is it that I am always the car that the cop stops while he decides to let everyone else go in twenty different directions for about ten minutes before he allows me on the road?  And why is it that these cops don't actually stand in intersections with lights but intersections with yield signs?  And why is it that people can't just figure out how to yield?  

All that jazz

If anyone is ever feeling down because their life isn't exactly what they had in store, then you can tell me.  Better yet, come with me on one of my drives to pretty places.  Today I was driving to York, Maine to see the Nubble Lighthouse, which is one of my favorite places.  I was driving my mom's Lexus and the only CDs she had in her car were Elton John, Best of Broadway and the Chicago Soundtrack.  I listened to All That Jazz about twenty times because of that one line...."no, i'm no one's wife, but I love my life.  and all that jazz."  Then I looked outside and realized that is was beautiful out, the weather was perfect, the waves were crashing all around and I was actually feeling happy. Finally, I was truly just feeling happy.  

So, I don't have everything that I want and I am sure I will wake up tomorrow wanting more and more, but today I feel fine.  So, moral of the story...if you are down, listen to songs about people who are worse off than you, sing really loudly and don't listen to Elton John.

 

Invention

I was thinking last night about my idea for disposable colanders. I think it is a great idea. I can't stand washing colanders after I put the noodles in them. There is always one noodle that ends up getting stuck in one of the holes and hardens and just never comes out.

But then, I thought, even better would be a colander that actually turned into a noodle so then I could just go ahead and add it to the others and eat it.

i'm almost 32

i am living the dream. i have a big house. a garage with a bmw and a driveway with a lexus. i'm about to take a steam shower and then go into the jacuzzi tub after. then i am going to hop in my bed and watch the vma's in hd on my flat screen tv.

and even better. i just threw a load of laundry in my frontloader.

living the dream....at my parents. while they are on vacation. oh yeah, i'm almost 32. living the dream.

hot pink

um....yeah, pink is the hottest thing on tv right now.

Weigh In

When I have PMS, my obnoxiously large breasts get even bigger.  I hate it.  They hurt.  And I become obsessed (believe it or not...yes me obsessed) with picturing myself with smaller ones. All I can do is look in the mirror and imagine what life would be like if I could wear those tank tops you see at Express.  

I often wonder what they weigh.  I think five pounds each.  I am so upset with them right now, I actually got out my scale and tried to see if I could weigh them.  I just layed down on the ground a few minutes ago in my bathroom and put them on the scale but because it is digital it didn't work.  That or my scale was like, "loser, go eat your quesadilla and sit in bed a watch a movie and relax.  The last bitch that stepped on this thing would have killed for your body."  

That would be a good invention.  An honest scale. I'm going to work on that.

Sprint Ahead

I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate Sprint.  I have enough bad stories about Sprint, I could write an entire book about it.  Maybe I will.  Well, after over an hour again today at Sprint, I finally have another new Sprint plan and another two year contract.  When I walked out today I said rather loudly, "why don't I just leave you my placenta on the way out."  What I meant to say was, "why don't I just leave you my uterus on the way out!".  My bad.  I'll say that next time.  There will be a next time.  I can promise you that.  

Oh you crack me up

I was sitting outside Redbones this evening with my sister and I was texting someone about a job interview tomorrow that I have.  Anyway, this guy walks up to me and asked if I was a drug dealer because drug dealers all have phones like mine so they can get in touch with their clients.  

Now if I was a drug dealer, two things would not be happening.

1.  I wouldn't be worried about a job interview I have tomorrow.

2.  I wouldn't be using a piece of crap phone from Sprint.

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 2

Manager:  You will never be a leader.  I do not see the potential in you.  

Me:  Well, I guess I learn from the best.  

Wealthy Men. com

What the f is this?  I just signed in to my my space.  I don't really expect any messages on this site anymore since I hardly ever use it. However, when I signed out I saw an ad for wealthymen.com and saw some listings on some of the wealthy and if I do say so myself, quite muscular men right near me in Watertown, MA.  I mean they are tan, and muscular and make more than $100K a year.  They MUST be great.  

If I knew I could have had such a high caliber of man right in my area, I would have never signed up for slackergirls.com.  Damn it!

Everything I know I learned from the airport

1.  Somehow the woman sitting next to me at the gate managed to get her entire manicure kit through security at the airport in Maryland.  That shouldn't be a big deal for me, especially if she was carrying OPI nail color.  However, she then decided that it would make sense to get out her nail clippers and start clipping her nails while sitting ten chairs away from me.  I could hear every single clip of that freaking clipper.  I couldn't even believe she had the nerve to do that in front of everyone.  And then she had the nerve to file her names and start polishing them.  I think the nail color was red and and on the bottom of the bottle was called, bloody punch!  At least, that is what I thought it should be called.

2.  No matter how many times I fly, I can never get over the fact that people do not know how to find their seats and sit down properly when they board.  It never fails that I end up standing three rows away from my seat for about five minutes while the person in front of me takes his/her time loading his/her luggage above the seat.  Call me crazy, but is is so hard to have your ticket in hand, look at the seat number and then quickly walk to your seat? All you have to do is sit down and get your bag in order while you are sitting.  Or better yet, get out the book you need and the ipod and have it ready so when you get on the plane, you can just throw the bag up and sit the f down!

3.  Is it necessary to call everyone you know while the plane is getting ready to take off? I don't need to hear your conversations about last night's dinner and how he paid for everything.  It's called texting people!!!  Try it once in awhile.  It is an amazing invention because then I don't have to hear all of your conversations.

4.  Traveling alone is hard.  Not for the reasons you may think it is hard.  I could say traveling alone is hard because it is lonely or traveling alone is hard because it takes all day and it can be tiring.  Oh no....traveling alone is hard because there is nobody to sit at the gate and watch my bag while I go to the bathroom.  Today, I had an hour layover. My usual routine is I look at the board and make sure my gate is the same.  And then I walk to the gate and make sure it is really the right one.  At the same time I am looking around for the closest Hudson News to get my People magazine or some other place to get a snack.  (Usual suspects are Sbarros and McDonalds).  Today, I wanted a pretzel.  However, I also had to go to the bathroom.  I knew the bathroom was after the pretzel place but there was no way I was going to bring the pretzel into the bathroom with me (another traveling alone problem).  I looked ahead and of course what did I see but the five men standing at the credit card stand just waiting to pounce on me and tell me all about the free airline ticket I can get.  I didn't want to do it.  If I went to the bathroom and then got my pretzel I would have had to go by them three times!!  But I did and of course I got annoyed when I walked by.  Then I walked by again and kept my chin down and then I walked by a third time and just started eating my pretzel and looked VERY busy.  Free airline ticket my ass....by the time I finish paying the $200 annual fee charge, I could have flown across the country.  Well, not really, but I could have at least paid to get my luggage on. 

5.  I took public transportation home from the airport back to Watertown.  Shuttle to blue line, blue line to orange line, orange line to red line, red line to bus.  What I learned here were two things. 

1. I need more friends who don't work.

2.  Only foreigners offered to help me with my luggage.  

McCain

That bastard. Picking a woman. Oh the games we play.

Happy B-day!

Thank god for facebook. Now I don't have to remember my friend's birthdays. Facebook tells me when I need to get my head out of my ass and send birthday wishes to people. What did we do before this amazing invention. You thought the Jew who invented the knish was impressive. He has nothing on this guy!!

Things managers have actually said to me...Number 1

Manager: "We need to have a staff office clean-up day."
Me: "Sure, when?"
Manager: "I think next week. We ALL need to be involved."
Me: "Sorry, I am on vacation for the next two weeks but just do it without me and when I come back, I will clean up my stuff."
Manager: "It's not just about your stuff, Laura It is a team effort."
Me: "Ok. How about in three weeks then?"
Manager: "I will be out on vacation. But go ahead and do it without me."
Me: " I thought you said we all have to do it and it is a team effort."
Manager (after only trying for three seoncds): "Well it is just too hard to coordinate that. So go ahead and do it while I am gone."

Is he gay or just German?

It's hard to figure out. This is now the second time I have taken a plane from Philly to Salisbury, MD and both times, the amount of gay flight attendants and pilots has exceeded all expecations.

The guy yesterday was on the fence for me, though. When I first got on the plane, I was like, oh yeah big time gay. He was blonde, with spiky hair and a ridiculous fake tan. He hot this huge shit eating grin on his face. Usually when I get on a plane, the flight attendants never smile at me. This guy was all about it.

Anyway, when he started doing his announements, I realized that he German...or Austrian. Hard to tell really. I could not understand a single word he was saying. Not that I need to since it is always the same speech. I think if I was a flight attendant, I would totally mix it up...give people a reason to take their eyes off the skymall catalog for a second and pay attention. I try to pay attention but it is just way too boring.

It got me thinking, maybe he isn't gay. Maybe he is just German and that made me laugh. But then he just got way too much enjoyment about walking up and down the aisle that I went back to my original thought that he is gay.

On a sidenote: I swear I am going to start having to pay to wear pants on the plane. You have to pay to bring on luggage and pay for your own drinks now. I can just imagine when you check in, there will be a button that asks if you will be wearing pants on the plane and if so, please insert your credit card for a $15.00 charge. People would do it. Maybe not the gay/German flight attendant but I would.

If the question is

Here is a game I like to play a lot.

If the question is did I lay in bed with a only a towel on this afternoon and then wake up two hours later naked with a self-help book on my chest, the answer would be yes.

I went to the aquarium today and saw the fishes

And by aquarium, I mean the Arsenal Mall in Watertown. And by fishes, I mean whales.  And by whales, I mean people.  

This woman was waiting for a parking spot in her minivan so I let her park but then she kept backing up and finally I threw my hands up in the air and said, "what the fuck?".  She waved me to go by her.  I literally parked next to her and got out and when I passed her, she had five children get out of her van.  I might have said something under my breathe like, "five kids. great" but don't quote me on that one.

I went to Marshall's to buy a new suitcase because I want to do a lot more traveling and my huge piece of luggage has just gotten a little too obnoxious...even for me.  In order to get to Marshall's you have to pass the Sprint cart in the middle of the mall. You know the ones where the guy with all the silver chains is standing there and says, "excuse me, can I ask you a question?" in which I always reply, "no." Except the one time when the guy said what service to do have and I said, "Sprint and it sucks."  

Anyway, going into Marshall's in the Watertown mall is seriously like going to a different country.  A sad, poverty-stricken country where people still wear white keds and tube tops.  I walked straight ahead to the luggage and picked out one that will work fine. I walked to the registers and I was second in line.  It was then that I realized that the woman working the register had a lisp.  I was PRAYING that I would get the other woman but of course I didn't.  "Ethcsuse me, would you likthe to shatve 10 perthent?"  "No."  "Wouldth you liketh to help juvenileth diabethees?" In my head, "no, but i would like to give you a dollar to help you go to a speech therapist."

Let's just say it was a boring day and this was the highlight.  I know I am going to hell but I swear I am caring person.  I swear!!  

I know they eat fresh but do they have to be so slow?

Everytime I go to Subway I wonder if it could be anymore possible for a human being to give less of a shit about his/her job.  Each time, I realize that is is most definitely possible.  Without fail, I will walk in and the guy (in this case it is always a guy) asks me what I want while he is working on another person's order.  

I say the same thing each time depending on my mood.  It is either, "a foot long turkey on wheat, no cheese, not toasted with lettuce, lots of pickles, cucumbers and honey mustard.  No chips or drink."  Or, I say, "a foot long spicy italian on whole wheat, toasted with provolone, lettuce, lots of pickles and a little bit of olive oil.  Yes, that's it. Yes.  Only that."  

I will say the whole thing and they will continue on with the other person's order.  Ten minutes later when they are done with this order, they will come back to me and say, "what would you like?"

N.T.M.H

I found a treasure chest last night.  All my old notes and cards from elementary school through college.  I had one of the best nights in a long time.  Thanks, Amy.  ;)

Off to go hiking for the day.  

TTYL 

G/G

You Rock My World Port!

Today was the first time I have ever gone to Rockport by myself.  I have always gone with family or ex girlfriends.  Ex girlfriends who say things like, "you take generic pictures."  I think that is interesting coming from someone who thinks spending a night drinking PBR is cultural.  

I found this amazing state park in Rockport and I used the morning to learn how to use my camera.  I love how the zoom allows me to get rid of all the hairy men with no shirts on who decided to continue to walk in my line of view and speak very loudly every time they went by.  

It was so peaceful to sit on the rocks and put my feet in the water, which was actually rather warm.  A wave came crashing and I almost got soaked and all I could think of was the scene in Grease (and yes, I know that scene was originally From Here To Eternity) but I like it better in Grease.  

I could live in Rockport.  I mean I am not a 50 year old lesbian who owns an art studio and sits around eating kalamata olives, but I think I could figure it out.

#40

I got my parking spot.  I also got a new camera.  I am so excited to start taking pictures again.  The world is my freaking oyster and I am about to say shuck it!  Yes, that is cheesy but I don't care.  

Laura...don't sweat the small stuff.

Why is it that the only thing I can worry about right now is the fact that I don't have a parking spot.  Never mind that I have no job and no clue and no idea where I am going.  I don't have a parking spot and that is all I can think about.  Oh yeah..it's cause I have OCD and that is how f-d up that crap is.  

Why can't I just have to check the stove a hundred times and wash my hands a million times a day. That would be so much easier than worrying about a parking spot.  

So to make myself feel better, I just went outside and said hi to all the cerebral palsy patients sitting in the parking lot next to the post office.  I just want to help them.  But then I realized that their wheelchairs were taking up a couple of parking spots and now I am back to my initial problem.  

People who say they don't like Celion Dion can kiss it!!!

I have been without cable and a TV for almost two weeks.  If I don't have a TV by September 22 when Heroes comes back on, I BETTER get invited somewhere to watch it in HD.  

Me not having a TV and cable at first seemed like the worst thing in the world (besides Celine retiring of course).  However, I am getting around it.  I am watching DVDs and all the episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  And really it is beautiful out and summer in New England so I guess I can deal with it for now.  

But as soon as The Office and Grey's comes back on and Heroes....I need a 42 inch LCD TV.  And now thanks to a certain someone who I won't mention, I now have to spend my George Bush money on rent instead of a TV.  

I am going for another walk now to go to Newbury Street to buy new glasses.  I have three pairs and now I want a fourth.  I am going to listen to Celine the entire way.  F-IT!

Things I learned on my two and a half hour walk

1.  A dead bluejay with its eyes open and wings spread apart makes me sad.  It also makes me contemplate the circle of life.

2.  A dead mouse doesn't really make me feel anything.  Even a flat dead mouse.

3.  People don't know which side of the road to walk on.  Isn't it a natural instinct...something you come out of the womb knowing? Right side.  You walk on the right side.

4.  Don't think about ex coworkers when you are walking.  This nice guy smiled at me and I almost gave him the finger because I was thinking about her.

5.  People were smiling at me which means I must not have had bitch face on the whole time.

6.  People who say "on your left" annoy me.  I get it.  Seriously, just go around me.  I have my headphones in anyway and can't hear you and plus I see your shadow.  Just, go around me. 

7.  There are so many beautiful walking trails that go from my house to Boston.  I could get a dog.  Who knew!!

8.  New England is so beautiful.

9.  I actually stopped to look at a community garden and suddenly they don't seem so pretentious.  

10.  I am going to be ok.

P.S.

I didn't need couples counseling to figure that all out. I needed true friends, a wonderful family and a strong head and heart.  

Now that I said all this, let's get back to what is really important:  making fun of all the idiots in the world.  

If I was dramatic, I would be on Broadway!

I was accused today of being "dramatic".  That is a big time NO-NO in my book of insults.  Don't tell me to calm down, relax or chill out. And DON'T ever tell me I am being dramatic.  I am not dumb. I know that I can be extreme at times.  But, this morning a light went off in my head and I realized things I needed to do to move forward in my life and I think that is very positive.  But to be accused of being dramatic over this newly found light, well that is just not cool!  

I have spent over a year dealing with people who get drunk, who cheat on me, who act like my friends, who act like they care about my well being, who get jealous, who get angry, who want to take care of me on their terms, who want to fire me because of my personality, who want to make me cry so they can hold me, who want to see how far they can push me before I break (which I NEVER will), who want to use me for my talents and then just push me out the door!

Why don't these people realize that they are the ones who need the help.  I am done holding on to people just to say I have people in my life.  I don't need those people. I am a firm believer that people come and go in your life and come for a reason.  I know now when to let these people loose.  I want to tell all the people how I really feel but it won't matter.  They won't change.  They won't understand.  And they will only be jealous that I am moving forward and finding new positive solutions to my life.  Good-bye you fools!  Sorry if you think that is dramatic but you are the ones acting crazy!

Counseling

There is something seriously wrong when people get on waiting lists to be on couples counseling. I can't even imagine living in a world full of waiting lists.  A list to get married, a list to get married in a church, a list to have your gourmet wedding cake made, a list to put your kid in kindergarden, a list to to go to sex counseling, a list to go to couples counseling, a list to get divorced, a list to pick your burial ground.

I don't even make a list when I go to the grocery store.  I just walk down the aisles and see if I need something.  Or, even better, see if I want something.  

If you need counseling after six months, you DON'T need to be together.  I love how people try to tell me how to live my life and how I should feel in relationships when they have to pay a $20 copay to stay together each week.  It's a joke.  Seriously, a joke.  

Can you give a child whiskey?

Is it wrong that I wanted to pour an entire bottle of whiskey into the child sitting behind me on the plane on Friday? She was probably 4 or 5 years old and was just:
a: not cute
b: annoying

What is wrong with parents? There was literally NOBODY talking on this flight. Everyone was quiet with the exception of the mother behind me who decided that she needed to read a book to her child. I can't stand baby talk to begin with but when it is forced upon me in the seat behind me on a plane, that is just too much. And she choose to read the book while the plane was landing so I couldn't use my headphones to dffuse the sound of the mother trying to teach her child a lesson about asking for directions or some crap like that. Here's a lesson. Teach your child to be quiet.

When the plane landed, the girl said, "I want to get out of this stupid plane!" I turned around and replied, "Tell me about it, kid."

My cup runeth over.

Literally. I went bra shopping today and my boobs have officially runeth over the C cup. I didn't really want to admit it. I thought I could keep going thinking I was a C. It wasn't until Celine Dion's "Taking Chances" came on in the dressing room that I realized I must bite the bullet and face the fact that I have a very large chest. The truth is I am a D. And also a DD. So I wouldn't be so upset about the DD, I got a 38D and a then a 36DD.

I have no idea how you are supposed to go about finding a bra that fits. However, I have decided from this day forth, I will only bra shop when I am tan. The reason is, all the bras looked great on me because of my newly darkened skin. Also, because I went to the gym twice and have an alien's metabolism and my six pack is starting to form. Not really, but I can see a notable difference from three days ago.

When I finally decide that I don't want to get skin cancer and I stop tanning, then I will also stop wearing bras. Just you wait, ladies. Just you wait.

Why did I delete DETMA?

A few years ago I was on unemployment.  It was my job to call in every week to get my check. Let's just say that is the easiest work I have ever done.  Wait...am I supposed to say that?  Anyway, when I actually found a job, I no longer had to call in.  I decided to keep the number in my contact list on my cell phone under DETMA. I often keep numbers I don't need anymore.  I have know idea who half of the people in my phone are anyway.  I have names like "water person" and "ffj".  Who is ffj?  

I decided a few weeks ago that I would finally take DETMA out of my phone since I have been on a roll and have been working for about two consecutive years.  No...not at the same place.  Let's not be silly.  I thought "hey, I think I am finally at a place where I can take this number out of my phone.  I am growing up.  I am becoming responsible and do I dare say, stable??". 

Well, I woke up at 8:30am this morning to look up the DETMA number because, alas...it is time again to be on unemployment.  Maybe this time I'll put it under something else.  Maybe "sio"....stability is overrated.  

Young Lady

Number of times a manager/boss/CEO, etc. has said "you are in big trouble young lady".  

The answer to that would be TWICE.  Just saying.

3 Mexicans gave my yard a Brazilian

That's right.  I can no longer sing "Welcome to the Jungle" when I get home.  Last week, one of the thorns on the vines next to my door actually cut my throat.  I thought it might be the end.  

I woke up this morning and my yard looks like it was violated.  Big time.  

I don't want you dick, I just want to say hi

Why is it when people you have slept with in the past come in to town for a visit, and you try to call them to hang out because you are good friends, do they just assume I want to sleep with them so they ignore me?  NEWSFLASH:  I really just wanted to say hi and eat dinner.  Men.  That's why I stick with women.  Women would always eat dinner.

gym-gyminey, gym-gyminey, gym gym giroo

Days since Laura has been to Boston Sports Club:  zero!

That's right.  Today, I officially made it back to the gym.  It really is like riding a bike. Not that I would know since I hardly ever ride a bike or even have a desire to discuss bikes or anything pertaining to bikes or wheels or spokes or rides or anything on that matter.  (That is for a later posting).  

I did an hour on the elliptical and I must say I felt great. I was watching men's water polo on TV but realized very quickly that I have no desire to watch men's water polo on TV. So instead I listened to my shuffle to all my sad and sappy songs.  All the depressing lyrics just made me want to go faster.  Then I listened to my salsa music and realized that I want to learn how to salsa.  I must have been practicing on the elliptical without realizing it though because the next thing I know my keys were falling all over the place and the guy next to me said, "you are making quite a racket".  PS:  when you listen to music rather than watch TV, you can see yourself in the screen like a mirror.  You better believe I was chasing that hot girl in the screen.